My husband has been taking financial advantage of my 89-year-old mother for nearly 15 years. When she moved into a senior community in 2005, we moved into her house as newlywed renters, paying a fraction of the market rate; it was purely a short-term arrangement. But one year became two, two became three, and on and on it went, despite my objections. Not only was my mother not being paid a fair rent, but in 2017 I learned that my husband stopped paying rent entirely many years earlier, and that my mother has had to deplete her savings to cover her own expenses. Her only income has been social security and a small monthly annuity payment. In keeping with the situation, the house has slid into deplorable condition due to huge deferred maintenance issues. There's more: in 2006 my husband convinced my mother to take out a $50,000 home equity loan so that he could pay down credit card debt, and over the years he would frequently ask her for smaller personal loans as tide-overs to the next paycheck. He always claimed to be on the brink of a financial/professional breakthrough (he's a scholar/university lecturer) and for a long time I believed he would eventually make things right. But that was a forlorn optimism. I've confronted him numerous times about these matters but he invariably becomes defensive, dismissive, tries to shift blame onto me, makes a swift exit.
My mother now has advanced dementia. In January I was shocked to learn that my husband is 1) successor trustee of her trust and 2) a 40% beneficiary of her trust. I can only imagine that he exerted major undue influence on her while the trust was being set up. In fact, he accompanied her to the meetings with the estate planning attorney. We had only been married a year at that time and my mother knew him only on a surface level.
I've been actively distressed about the exploitation for the past three years but lacked the confidence and courage to expose it. My husband has a strong support network of friends and colleagues and would be an unpleasant opponent. I'm an only child with no other living relatives to turn to. I no longer have funds of my own to afford an attorney. I sent the estate lawyer a letter asking for help but she refuses to get involved. I don't know a way forward.
I too had an abusive, Manipulative husband for 30 years.
He moved into the home I was renting from my mother on section 8 housing assistance as I was a low income single mother. When I confronted him about paying rent he constantly threw it in my face that I hadn't paid a dime to her before he moved in. That was incorrect and also had nothing to do with him paying his way.
Even after he started making a decent salary, he withheld funds. I would get his check, say $500 and he would tell me he needed $300 of it to pay personal debts. I was supposed to pay utilities, buy groceries, and dress 3 kids with the balance.
When I got a part time job I pushed him into buying the house from her. He didn't exactly agree. He told me to go ahead and pursue a loan without divulging his name, his social, his income, or any other pertinent information about him to any lenders, absolutely making me play a fool. Yet, I succeeded in spite of his sabotage by meeting a broker at my hairdresser's who welcomed the business.
She advised me to transfer the title to our name and we got a refinance loan. We settled our credit card debt, and paid my mother 3 times what she invested. (We didn't qualify for a loan because of the debt and no down payment.) Thank goodness for that hair appointment.
I was real pleased with myself for finally getting my mother what she was due and proceeded to take the abuse right on the chin from then on.
He didn't like how I paid the bills so he took that over and I watched as they multiplied in the mail slot, counting and calculating how far we were behind, a nervous wreck.
In the meantime, he got more credit cards. Rather, he got credit to pay off credit but then he'd use the old credit, even after cutting up the cards.
Then he refinanced the 8% mortgage to pay off the brand new car he had to have, and paid off another batch of credit cards.
Next, he took out a second mortgage to pay off more credit cards. After that, there was a questionable insurance claim and finally, he filed for bankruptcy. I say "he" but you know my name and income was right along his. He finally left me for a woman 20 years younger, leaving me homeless for 4 months.
Go figure, his new woman received a substantial inheritance. Unfortunately, she passed this past year and he's on his own.
All told, he gave me $140 cash and the leftover junk from our house, for 2 kids and 30 years of marriage. What I got was 2 babies that I thought needed a dad. I was very wrong.
I am so glad to be here to help my mom and make up for what he did and even happier to be rid of him.
The moral to this story is he will use you until you are all used up and have nothing left for yourself.
Take everyone's advice and RUN from this man! Do it smartly so you can make him pay. Do it before you get too old to enjoy life.
Good luck, charK60
FOLLOW THAT:
PUT YOUR WINGS AROUND YOUR MOM - PROTECT HER
Main Court House, Paralegals, but the MAIN THING IT LISTEN TO : YOUR GUT
DO NOT DISREGARD YOUR GUT FEELINGS. Honestly, that is your best bet. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Take what is said on this forum, and just know, you are questioning YOUR GUT. JUST FOLLOW IT. PLEASE
I didn't know that. Should History be erased every time too? Honestly, is this how "phishing" works? I DO need to take some computer courses. I usually and reluctantly ask my kids.
When you made your marriage vows back then to tie the knot, two were to agree to marry for better or worse, second for richer or poorer. I don't think it is really my business, but you since reached out to us, I am am going to ask anyway: Who was this man at the time you married him? And, how long were you married to this guy? I also want to state that he does not appear to have a positive family background and therefore has been unstable for some time. Any warning signs before your his abuse to your mother?? From what I gather, it is time to divorce him. If you cannot afford an attorney, please look into a State Attorney for free. The State will look at your assets to determine your eligibility status. Please get help now before it becomes way too late. And, I would like to hear back from you what action was taken and its outcome.
I Care along with our other readers.
All the best! Patathome01
I understand leaving him will be hard for you - you haven’t left him yet, probably because you don’t know where to start.
(1) Obtain documents (if quickly possible) which can help you illustrate what happened. If you can’t do this quickly, go straight to #2.
(2) Contact the police and get a police report filed.
(3). Apologize to your mother.
(4) Contact a divorce attorney.
(5) Pack up his things and arrange for them to get to him without interaction or contact by you.
(6) Do not talk/write/text with him. He manipulates you and it is an unhealthy relationship. Contact him only through attorneys.
(7) You will be okay, now and forever. In fact, you will be much better.
(8) Allow yourself space and time to grieve. Loss is hard, even when it’s needed.
Lots of people are in difficult relationships. You only have one life, and he is wrecking it for you and your mother. Don’t give him another hour.
This is elder abuse. There is also financial spouse abuse. It needs to stop. I personally would like to see this man condemed, divorced, & jailed.
But much more, I would like the OP to restart her life.
I would start with getting a mobile phone & laptop on her own. So she can call & connect to others privately. Getting a separate bank account is a priority. Getting separate income. Be that paid work, unemployed benefits, pension whatever. Direct to OP's account. Then separate living. Then best pro-bono lawyer possible.
All this will take enormous courage & when dealing with people who think they are above the law, people who play very dirty, no morals it will be even harder.
I hope the OP can start to gather a support team. A good friend or two. An experienced social worker. A Pastor or religious leader if appropriate.
The problem is laid bare now - with all the hurt. Like a planecrash. Now it's time to find the survivors, get a team, survive & head to a new post-crash life.
My fervent prayer for her is that she isn't held responsible too!
Things get tricky with finances when you're married.
I am totally in NightReaders court!! Hopefully she will seek legal counsel immediately!!
things about you to others for years.
Her neighbors, the estate attorney, people at the bank.
What ever.
He may tell people you are:
lazy
don't care about your mom
too dim witted to manage her money
don't like your mom
your mom doesn't like you
you can't be trusted and on and on
Anything that may explain why he is involved
in everything and you are not
One person said for years his wife was a
secret drinker, passed out by 7 pm from
drinking every night,
She wasn't, not at all, but then when he
was seen dining out with other women,
he got sympathy because
his wife was 'a drunk'.
She wasn't she was at home, waiting for him
while he was out with 'the guys'. For years.
a lawyer that specializes in this area. You usually get a
30 minute consultation for $50-$75 dollars. They can
give you guidance and ideas of what you can do what you
need to do, how to do it.
I don't know if it is something that legal aid might be able
to help you with our not.
The other thing is contact your county Agency on Aging,
have your documentation ready (keep an extra copy of everything
some where other than at home, may even 2 copies in 2
other places (friend, coworker, rented bank box, what ever))
This may be a case for elder abuse. Financial abuse is abuse.
Whether by a family member, friend, or stranger.
Look online at your local and state laws as what they define as
financial abuse, but this would certainly seem to qualify.
Whatever estate person helped set this up for him will be
of no assistance, because HE is their client, not you, they
have a duty to him as their client.
Don't say anything to your husband. If he knows what
you are considering, he will do everything to thwart you, or
he may threaten you and/or your mother.
Do you have any friends you grew up with that knew your
mother, or co workers (yours or hers), or her friends, neighbors?
A minister?
These could be possible allies to help you., and support you.
If you do have your husband investigated for elder abuse,
he will find out. He may threaten you, your mother.
Record any and all threats. Let him leave or kick him
out, or you leave. You are not only doing this for you
but for your mother. He has robbed her for years, thereby
robbing you.
Your mother has no one but you to stand up for her.
If you cant stand up and fight for yourself, stand up
and fight for her.
Plan on making a new life for yourself.
Once her money is gone, he will be looking
for a new source of money, and that will not
include you in his life. You will be left with
no husband and no money.
At least if you fight him now, you could end
up with some money, but more importantly
with a lot of strength and self respect and self
confidence.
He won't get any better. He has no remorse.
He is very sneaky, He can not be trusted.
Best wishes
Stay strong
You raise an excellent point!
If he goes to jail, he is not earning wages and therefore can't pay child support or alimony!!
Sometimes the fear of going to jail sends a very clear message!!
Best of luck.
I don't trust the lawyer he found, either. The only person who should be in the room when your mother signed these arrangements would be your mother and the lawyer.
I'm not sure if you have your own funds but I would contact the office on aging in your area and fully explain the situation to them. Hopefully, they will be able to direct you to an attorney or to the state's attorney general. Ask them to use your private cell phone number. If you have any friends - yours not your husbands, see if you can use their address to receive mail but it might be safer to get a post office box. Protect your mother and try to get physically and legally away from your husband at the earliest possible moment. Not sure of your age but life can begin away as long as you have hope, integrity and breath. Good Luck and keep us updated.
I'm sorry that you are going through this and at the same time you need to get tough and start looking after your's and your mother's financial welfare. You're worried about your mother's financial welfare, what is going on with your personal financial situation. Get in contact with a Senior Services organization to help you with your mother's issues and at the same time look at your credit and your financials and make sure you are in good standing, especially if you are going to divorce this man. If he will cheat your mother (essentially you) he will definitely cheat you. You expect that you'll get certain things from him if you get divorced, but if he has been scheming all this time don't expect anything different in the future. Take care of yourself, be strong and don't let a bully intimidate you. Also, get support, you don't have to do this alone.
As a retired licensed Social Worker I have seen financial abuse by family and community members. When an individual, such as your husband, demonstrates a lack of integrity to an elder by financial abuse, I usually assume that this is just the tip of the iceberg and other abuses to other people will or have occurred.
Your Mother's attorney does not want to implicate herself. Later you can file a grievance against her with the board of licensing. She could be held financially culpable if the case is proven.
I would also suggest that you get support emotionally from outside your relationship with your spouse. I am concerned that you may also be at risk. Certainly, your husband has made arrangements to receive nearly half of your mother's estate with no reference to you, her blood relative.
This is a difficult situation to find oneself. Good luck in moving forward. Your Mother deserves to be protected from this date forward.
Try finding a decent lawyer with experience in elder law that can work at a reduced rate or maybe even for free (pro bono).
https://www.probono.net/
https://www.nolo.com/lawyers
There are lots of resources on the internet.
After your mother passes and if the house is still in her name, your husband already has the 40% if the house is sold. Expect him to buy you out in a divorce and you will be out.
Was the 50k HELOC paid? That should've gone to home maintenance rather than cc bills. That should be assigned to you and your husband, and to your husband if constructive fraud and elder abuse is argued in divorce. Your mother should be reimbursed on top of the rent.
Maybe the intent of not paying rent was so your mother depleted saving to spend down and become medicaid eligible. Was your rent intended to pay for her care home? Or the heloc and house tax and insurance?
Girl, get account #s on everything financial, protect yourself, the house and take care of your mother and get him out. Even if paralyzed, keep moving.