My husband has been taking financial advantage of my 89-year-old mother for nearly 15 years. When she moved into a senior community in 2005, we moved into her house as newlywed renters, paying a fraction of the market rate; it was purely a short-term arrangement. But one year became two, two became three, and on and on it went, despite my objections. Not only was my mother not being paid a fair rent, but in 2017 I learned that my husband stopped paying rent entirely many years earlier, and that my mother has had to deplete her savings to cover her own expenses. Her only income has been social security and a small monthly annuity payment. In keeping with the situation, the house has slid into deplorable condition due to huge deferred maintenance issues. There's more: in 2006 my husband convinced my mother to take out a $50,000 home equity loan so that he could pay down credit card debt, and over the years he would frequently ask her for smaller personal loans as tide-overs to the next paycheck. He always claimed to be on the brink of a financial/professional breakthrough (he's a scholar/university lecturer) and for a long time I believed he would eventually make things right. But that was a forlorn optimism. I've confronted him numerous times about these matters but he invariably becomes defensive, dismissive, tries to shift blame onto me, makes a swift exit.
My mother now has advanced dementia. In January I was shocked to learn that my husband is 1) successor trustee of her trust and 2) a 40% beneficiary of her trust. I can only imagine that he exerted major undue influence on her while the trust was being set up. In fact, he accompanied her to the meetings with the estate planning attorney. We had only been married a year at that time and my mother knew him only on a surface level.
I've been actively distressed about the exploitation for the past three years but lacked the confidence and courage to expose it. My husband has a strong support network of friends and colleagues and would be an unpleasant opponent. I'm an only child with no other living relatives to turn to. I no longer have funds of my own to afford an attorney. I sent the estate lawyer a letter asking for help but she refuses to get involved. I don't know a way forward.
good luck.
just get that anger and keep it. Get you and your Mom away from him.
You need a criminal lawyer as notgoodenough has stated.
On the surface of this you and your husband financially abused your mother. You need to do everything you can to make this right, even if it means you do some jail time. Call the police after you find an attorney tomorrow.
Nice advice for a woman who simply let 3 yrs pass
Did you have an financial adviser? someone outof the family to oversee the finances? get that open talk now with him.
DEEP QUESTION:;; IS HE PLANNING TO DIVORCE YOU AND TAKE ALL YOUR MOM'S MONEY? I don' know. I just read the first prompt.
Look at all her accounts. and finanacial advisors that she had prior to your hubby. anyone you trust? If not, I have financial advisors whom my relative has been with for over 30 years now. very nice. Yes, they make their money, probably more that we are, but we are getting a bit too. more than th banks.
Talk to an attorney about elder abuse regarding the debt owed to your mother that you described above: fair market value rent, personal loans, and trust beneficiary, successor trustee status. Is there a power of attorney or will? If your mother has legal capacity even with dementia she can sign a new power of attorney.
Long ago as a young mother I did not know that my ex was friendly with my mother without my knowledge and borrowing money from her. He claimed that we were having difficulty paying bills due to my stay at home status. That was not true as I had savings and planned for the year off. It was probably one of the worst experiences in my life to discover my ex taking money just not from my mother but my best friend with the same sympathy story. The floor dropped beneath me but through the confusion I just left. I paid his rent until the court made the decision so he would have a roof over his head so he could parent our child. I ended up with full custody and protected my mother and friend from further financial abuse. My ex was looking to exploit anyone in my network of friends or family and moved onto someone new quickly.
I hope you find strength and take care of yourself through your ordeal. Please do the right thing.
You need to protect your mom; but you also need to protect yourself.
The divorce attorney can wait. Seek a criminal attorney A.S.A.P.
Financial Abuse, you say, "I no longer have funds of my own to afford an attorney..." Where has your money gone? Are you working? Most credible family law attorneys will give you a free consultation.
You apparently know nothing about your family's finances, otherwise you would have know long ago about your hub's actions. I was in the same boat. My ex was supposed to pay the bills and mortgage, I paid the school fees, all child expenses and groceries. After the end of the marriage I all my utilities were cut off as he had not paid them in 5 months. The mortgage was paid 2-3 days late each and every payment. The property taxes were in arrears too. I was scared silly with only $500 in the bank.
At one point my ex would not get a copy of the family car key for me. Kept saying it was too expensive to order one in. Turned out it was not one of the special keys and it cost $5 to get a copy. Little things that seem reasonable for a while start to add up.
Is there a local Women Against Violence Against Women organization in your community? I was able to get free counseling from the local one and it was a huge help. Is there a woman's shelter in your town?
Gaslighting: This is what he is doing when he tries to shift the blame.
My ex was well loved in the community. But when things came to light, some people's feelings changed too. If you hubs does not have tenure, he could find his contracts are no longer renewed.
Next steps:
Get a free legal consult
Get counseling
Get a job, if you do not have one.
Get your own bank account if you do not have one
Contact your local APS and explain the situation to them, but do this after talking to the lawyer.
https://www.justice.gov/elderjustice/prosecutors/statutes?field_statute_state=MD&field_statute_category=All
You can choose to enable his criminal behavior with your silence or you can report him and divorce him. I don't see a middle ground.
For YEARS, you have known that your husband has been - there's no way round this - stealing from your mother. You have been too apprehensive about his response to tackle the issue in any meaningful way.
You need to get help for yourself, first. Look online for domestic abuse helplines and speak to an adviser. Just take the first step.
In not very much time, I wouldn't be at all surprised if you find out that quite a lot of people in that "strong network" wish they could confront your husband about quite a variety of issues. Think of yourself as a whistle-blower.