Those of you who have followed my story, know all the details. First of all, I would like to thank this forum for all the advice and care. The doctor finally convinced my dad to spend the rest of his skilled nursing care days at the NH facility. The plan is for him to be there for about two months at which he will be re-evaluated. This is all a heavy load although I'm so glad he is in a place that he is being cared for and I do not have to worry endlessly and I was almost to my breaking point. But I have often wished I had a sibling to help make some of the decisions and to deal with him. If you are an only child, how do you cope? I admit I feel some guilt (I know I have no reason to) for him being at the NH. This is one of the reasons I started counseling.
You are doing fine without them.
I'm an only. I can make decisions without having to run it past anyone else or listen to how they would have done it better(but didn't). I don't have to feel angry at someone who is not pulling their weight or self righteous that they aren't doing as much as I am. Sure it was all on me but I had peace of mind knowing that from the start. I think people with siblings expect that they will all step up eventually and are devastated when others don't want to get in as deep as they are. I don't have to deal with that crushing (although self inflicted) disappointment. My mind is free to get the job done rather than dwell on what others aren't doing.
I would like to upvote this sentiment a million times! Very wise words!
Exactly how I feel. I posted something similar earlier in the thread when I mentioned not to take the ‘grass is greener’ approach.
I stumbled in this area for far too long! My therapist and this forum set me straight. I am grateful for being told what actually works and what doesn’t work.
My caregiver days for my parents are long over. Like others who are no longer caregivers I have stuck around on the forum in hopes to be able to shed some light for others who are still struggling.
I am delighted to read posts such as yours.
Do not feel guilty for placing your father into a NH; you have made the best decision for him. You can go and visit your father in the facility as often as you wish then you can go back to your place and enjoy your peace and quiet.
I lived three states away from my folks but luckily had just retired and could make the long drive as needed.
it’s a long story but eventually I was able to get them into assisted living. It was a rough transition, dad had dementia and mom was falling all the time.
I went through the guilt and second guessing myself about their care. It helped to talk with some good folks on this site. Loads of people have managed difficult care situations by themselves. You can do it. There were times when I didn’t think I could keep going as so much was going on with two elderly parents at the same time.
My folks are gone now and over time I’ve quit bearing myself up about the past. We do the best we can with the hand we’re dealt.
When I cared for my mother, I was POA and sole beneficiary.
I took care of her in my home when she left the hospital at age 89 with a partially successful shattered hip, realized after 9 months that no one was benefiting from that, placed her in an excellent local SNF visited almost every single day for her entire 5+ year stay, saw her flourish in their care, and paid almost a million for it, HER money and worth EVERY CENT.
Eleven years later, I entered into a similar situation, this time as independent POA with a second “trusted” POA who left as soon as the LO was placed in the AL of my mother’s previous residence and moved 1,000 miles away. We POAs were once as close as siblings.
I managed all of the care of that dearly loved family member for the 5 years she was in care, visited at least 3 times/week until the pandemic struck, wrote 5 checks per month, maintained contact with the nursing staff, therapists, and residence management, brought small gifts and cards on holidays, arranged treats for staff(s), took care of any issues that arose, arranged for her funeral, and loved her dearly every minute she was in care.
The other POA wrote one check, once a month, visited two or three times a year, and harassed ME constantly via email.
Be careful what you wish for…….
True, there were times I wished I had siblings so everything didn’t land on me. (assuming I’d have siblings who would help)
Overall I appreciate that being an only allows me to make decisions and act on them without having to contend with a committee.
That's one smart doctor! Getting dad to agree to 2 months is a start. Let all of this be in the doctor's hand.
We got mom to agree to a 3 month trial in an IL facility "just for the winter", because it was impossible for us or caregivers to get to her in storms. By the time spring came, mom was settled.
I am responsible for everything for my mom from physical to financial (including bodily care, care of my mothers run down, cluttered, home, paying bills, hiring a lawyer).
Not only does my sibling not contribute, but mom has given him thousands of dollars. This happened shortly before she went on hospice, before I took over her finances. Now she asks me to get cash to give him. I I told her “I” will be responsible for that cash when she has to apply for Medicaid. I have to remind her a couple times a week that I can’t do that.
My brother makes more than I ever have, but he is deeply in debt. That is his own affair, not moms. I deeply resent her giving him money after he lived in her house rent and utility free for 10 years (due to his filing for bankruptcy). He didn’t even help maintain the house while he lived there.
The good thing is that he supports all of my care decisions. A lot of folks on this board are not only providing all the care, but enduring sibling’s unhelpful suggestions or outright criticism.
Sorry for the rant. I wish you the best. You are doing the right thing.
I coped by learning to trust myself and my instincts with regard to my parents bc I had their best interests at heart AND my own best interests at heart. I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself or my marriage for my parents, but I wanted to make sure they had the best and SAFEST life possible as they got very old. I learned to make decisions w/o second guessing myself (for the most part). I leaned on my husband who's super supportive also. I was always there for mom and dad, advocating for them but backing off when they irritated me. I had no pushback from siblings to contend with, so my decisions were not argued with.
When your intentions are good, you can trust your decisions, imo. Your father is in the right place now, thankfully, and the doctor will keep telling him that at each re-evaluation every 2 months. This situation has nothing to do with you, bc you didn't cause his age or his related illnesses and issues.
Yes in an ideal world every one would help each other but that does not always happen.
Read some of the posts and you will see that there is everything from antagonistic behavior, backstabbing, undermining, theft, disregard and on and on. And a few that get along.
You do not have to consult with other family members to get the OK to do what needs to be done for your dad.
If something needs to be done you can approve it without making 2, 3 or more phone calls, arguing with 2 of the 3 that dad needs to see a dermatologist, or he needs a new pair of shoes.
On the other hand I get that you want to bounce your thoughts off someone else just to make sure you are making the right decision.
If you have the information at hand and you make a decision based on that then that is all that can be expected. No one is perfect but if you make choices with his best interest at heart you can sleep well at night knowing you have done all you can do.
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