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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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He was getting lost, driving on an expired license and couldn't remember his address or phone number. He calls my son every other day asking about the car.
No. Not unless you take the phone away. Son could stop answering the phone. Your husband will let the car situation go eventually. That's the good news and the bad news. I'm sure he has quiet a bit to say about the car and your son when this happens and it's hard for you to hear. Let your son know it's a problem. Perhaps he can let the call go. Then later in the day call his dad back. He may have forgotten by then. Then you can let son know if that works better. Mary I know you have a hard job. I'm wishing for you calmer days.
That is soooo hard! Giving up his license and car were the hardest thing about my husband's dementia, according to him. He mourned that car for a year. Yes, the focus on the car eventually goes away, but it can take a lot longer than you'd like.
In this case maybe Son could not take Dad's calls, but instead call him. He might be more in charge of the topics that way ... or not.
No foolproof suggestions here, but I offer hugs to you, your son, and especially to your husband.
Remind your husband that the son had an emergency need, and it was his idea to generously give him the car...he will bring it back at Christmas. White lies, repeat the next day if it works.
Ask hubs, where do you want to go, I will take you.
Lots of ways to deflect this... The car is in the shop. Son needed it because his car is in the shop The doctor said while you are taking this medicine you can not drive the car With each of these statements follow up with ..."let's do this" then you can drive where you need to go or if you have no plans to go out say we need to do the dishes, the laundry, some cooking...anything that will get away from the subject.
It took a while but eventually my husband forgot about the car or at least he did not ask all the time and was satisfied when we went for a drive. With dementia of any type keep one thing in your mind about a behavior that you are trying to work with.."This to will pass" For every "problem" the solution will happen due to another decline that will bring with it another set of "problems" that you had not anticipated. So while it is a "problem" now, relish the fact that he uses the phone, calls your son and talks. Soon he will not use the phone, he will not know his son, he will stop talking....
I agree with Grandma1954. Keep giving him reasons why the car is not available. If his dementia is bad enough that he cannot or should not drive, chances are he will not remember your responses. You can enhance your answers by telling him what is being repaired on the car - needs a new battery, had a flat tire, the alternator needed to be replaced, etc. Then change the subject. There may come a time when you need to reduce his access to the phone.
Driving - - tough subject. I dreaded this situation for years before it happened. Before my Dad's illness, he was always heading out in the care to do something. Errands, dogpark, or just going for a ride. Multiple times a day. He didn't like to sit at home. I totally dreaded the day he would not be able to drive anymore.
When illness struck and that day came, every day he wanted to know when he could drive again, where was his car, etc. He said it was my fault, I was keeping him from driving. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't want him to be stressed out, and I didn't want to be the bad guy. So I told him the truth: It wasn't me keeping him from driving, I would love nothing more than for him to drive again....as soon as the doctor said he was medically cleared for driving. If he didn't believe me, I told him to ask the doctor himself. But until then, I would happily drive him anywhere he wanted to go at (almost) any time. I told him I knew that it wasn't as good as driving himself, but it was better than sitting at home all day and we could spend time together. And sure enough, the next time we were at the doctor, he asked. I knew the doctor wouldn't let him drive again. But where I've never had to have this conversation before, doctors have had it many times and can do better with it. Of course, then he was annoyed with the doctor, but he also respected and believed the doctor. And eventually, he got used to me driving him around.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
In this case maybe Son could not take Dad's calls, but instead call him. He might be more in charge of the topics that way ... or not.
No foolproof suggestions here, but I offer hugs to you, your son, and especially to your husband.
White lies, repeat the next day if it works.
Ask hubs, where do you want to go, I will take you.
Have son change his phone number?
Even though she passed her drivers license renewal test at 88 and didn't really drive anymore the thought that she couldn't was very hard on her
Dementia is a long tiring journey for everyone
The car is in the shop.
Son needed it because his car is in the shop
The doctor said while you are taking this medicine you can not drive the car
With each of these statements follow up with ..."let's do this" then you can drive where you need to go or if you have no plans to go out say we need to do the dishes, the laundry, some cooking...anything that will get away from the subject.
It took a while but eventually my husband forgot about the car or at least he did not ask all the time and was satisfied when we went for a drive.
With dementia of any type keep one thing in your mind about a behavior that you are trying to work with.."This to will pass"
For every "problem" the solution will happen due to another decline that will bring with it another set of "problems" that you had not anticipated. So while it is a "problem" now, relish the fact that he uses the phone, calls your son and talks. Soon he will not use the phone, he will not know his son, he will stop talking....
When illness struck and that day came, every day he wanted to know when he could drive again, where was his car, etc. He said it was my fault, I was keeping him from driving. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't want him to be stressed out, and I didn't want to be the bad guy. So I told him the truth: It wasn't me keeping him from driving, I would love nothing more than for him to drive again....as soon as the doctor said he was medically cleared for driving. If he didn't believe me, I told him to ask the doctor himself. But until then, I would happily drive him anywhere he wanted to go at (almost) any time. I told him I knew that it wasn't as good as driving himself, but it was better than sitting at home all day and we could spend time together.
And sure enough, the next time we were at the doctor, he asked. I knew the doctor wouldn't let him drive again. But where I've never had to have this conversation before, doctors have had it many times and can do better with it. Of course, then he was annoyed with the doctor, but he also respected and believed the doctor. And eventually, he got used to me driving him around.