My parents are from Pennsylvania and moved out of state to our farm almost 4 years ago. They both have Alzheimer's and are in middle to late stages. About a year ago, I asked them their funeral wishes and tried to talk them into cremation. They went back and forth on it, but finally asked for a traditional burial. I would really like the simplicity of cremation and hauling their body back to the burial plot they purchased in PA would be very expensive and stressful for all of us. They have limited funds and I'm trying to be careful with it so that if one of them passes away before the other, they will have good care. Even if we go with a traditional burial here locally, the time will quickly come where they will not have money for it. The reason I am asking this now is because I would like to pre-purchase funeral expenses. Should I violate their last wishes in order to save their money for quality care? They are currently in AL and will have to be moved to a nursing home when they run out of money --- the nursing homes are horrible around here. But also part of me wants cremation because it will be so much easier for me. Opinions?
I made this suggestion also. It’s very easy to buy caskets in other places outside of the funeral home. Some people order them online.
Funeral homes definitely hike up the prices of caskets.
Personally, I would rather be cremated. I have no desire to be in a casket. I will be dead and certainly won’t care about being in a fancy casket.
YS wrote the obituary/ life history. The funeral itself was planned by mother, down to the speakers, music and length of time (UNDER 1 hr).
All this made it so much easier on us kids. And we were not expecting her death, really, so it helped to KNOW that we were doing it the way she wanted. And we were able to be CALM throughout it all.
On the flip side, when FIL died, he left zero instructions. His 3 kids were floundering around trying to decide what to do. The casket alone cost almost $20K. He already owned the plot, but that was the extent of his planning.
Since I had no real 'authority' and I was NOT caught up in grief, I was able to get the 'kids' to agree that as a 42 year vet of the FD, he should be buried in his dress uniform (unbeknownst to the kids, I had already taken the suit to the cleaners and bought new underwear and socks.) I planned the music and 'helped' the family make the decisions that, oh, I wish my FIL had done. They also chose a headstone which wasn't placed for almost a year. It is huge and kind of gaudy-looking in this tiny 'town' cemetery.
My DH and I have opted for cremation. We have our 'urns' and I have written out brief obituaries. This year we will purchase the niches for our urns in the same small cemetery that dad is in). IDK whether we'll plan for actual viewings/funerals yet, but will decide that soon.
I'm not doing all this to save money, but as a final 'love you' to my kids. Based on how they all acted when I went through cancer a couple years ago---they won't miss me too much.
We went with the cremation, no viewing except to ID before cremation, no casket, just a cardboard box. There was one loudmouthed relative complaining about the no viewing, and I just ignored him.
My parents were never large to begin with. And you know how it can be for some elderly people. They just get skinnier as they age. Well, skeletons with flesh is a more appropriate description. Both of my parents died being extremely thin.
Daddy chose to have a ‘closed’ casket because he felt self conscious about being so thin. Mom understood and that is what she did.
We had a few relatives complaining that they couldn’t see my father in the casket! They acted like they had wasted their time attending my father’s wake because they didn’t get to gawk at him.
Their attitude made me sick! It hurt me that they said these things to my mom knowing that mom was grieving for her husband of over 50 years! People can be real Jack A$$es! Can’t they?
If a burial is that important to a person then it should be important enough for the person who has specific wishes to make those arrangements before they die.
Putting a financial burden on loved ones to carry out your final wishes is wrong.
I wish you the best in these tough decisions. You will have to do the best you can in your planning.
Even cremation is expensive if you use a mortuary to do it. I used a mortuary for my dad, and it cost $2500. When my mother died three years later, I used a cremation-only company and it cost $750.
I had a conversation last weekend with my extremely devout Catholic MIL. She shocked me by saying she wished she hadn't had my FIL's body at the rosary the night before his funeral, because it cost her an additional $1800. I suspect it was far more than that as they had to embalm him, do gruesome make-up (I advise not having an open casket after brain surgery 🤢), rent a casket, and have him transported to and from the mortuary by two mortuary employees.
All that, and he ended up being cremated afterward and buried in a tiny plot you wouldn't bury your dog in.
I assumed that whole production was her choice because of her religious devotion, but no -- she was scammed, plain and simple. We estimated that FIL's funeral cost right around $30,000-$40,000 once all was said and done.
I believe you should use the funds where they can most help your parents, and that's when they're alive.
Whether or not you are a "person of faith", since we only borrow this mortal shell for a relatively short period of time, the means of disposal really shouldn't matter.
I have told my husband/children that when my time comes, to please do whatever brings THEM comfort after I'm gone. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
My DH and I haven't even bought a burial plot, since we really have no idea where we - or our kids - are going to end up. Silly to purchase a plot here in Orange County NY if we end up moving across the country later in life.
Our intentions are to leave enough money so our expenses are paid for; but in the event that doesn't happen, then our kids are under *no obligation* to pay for anything! Donate our bodies to science, med schools. etc. We will be beyond caring. I am Christian, and believe in eternal life, and in that belief, I sincerely hope I don't have to worry about the same crap after I'm dead that I have to worry about while alive, because frankly, that sounds like the opposite of Heaven to me.
As you have a farm, you might check if you can do a burial on the farm. Here it’s possible if the rules are followed – distance from neighbors and underground water courses etc. It’s not common, but it is possible. It makes it easier to use a shroud rather than an expensive casket. After a cremation, it’s very common here to sprinkle the ashes in the sea, which is just down the road and was often a favourite place for the deceased and family.
One thing you could consider is to go for cremation, and then bury the ashes in the cemetery. Crematoriums often have a cemetery attached. You can have a funeral at the cemetery in the usual way, it’s just a smaller plot. That’s the way it’s often done for the overseas deaths. I think that people sometimes think on an instinctive level that cremation will be painful for the body. Of course it’s not. Spend the money on the living!
My grandmother would always say to everyone, “Give me flowers while I am living. What happens after I am gone doesn’t matter. Don’t wait until I am dead to give me flowers. I would rather enjoy flowers when I am alive.”
One uncle donated his body to medical research.
All of the others except one bought plots. Only one of my uncles who served in WW11, Korean War and Vietnam chose to be buried in a military cemetery. He chose to be buried in his uniform. He loved to talk about his army days!
Funeral expenses have gone up tremendously. Not everyone can afford this. There are ways to cut expenses if you choose to have a wake.
My cousin died unexpectedly from a heart attack in her forties. She left behind three children and a husband. They were not wealthy and her husband had health issues that he was addressing himself.
What he decided to do was to hold a service, with open viewing, in a ‘rented’ casket. This cut the cost way down by not having to purchase the casket. Then he had her body cremated. They have a family plot but he chose to keep her ashes.
Everyone in my family always did the large wakes and funerals. My father did not want an ‘open’ casket. He had lost so much weight and he was self conscious about being so thin. He didn’t want people to see him in that shape.
Some people came up to my mom and me at his wake and started complaining about his casket being closed! How rude!!! They acted like they had wasted their time attending because they couldn’t gawk at him. It made me sick. I loved my father so much and it hurt me that people said this to my mother who had just lost her spouse of over 50 years!
My brother was cremated. That was his desire. His urn was placed in our family plot.
I was shocked when my mom who was never completely comfortable with the idea of cremation saying towards the end that she was fine with cremation so it would cost less, and all of her friends and many family members had died off. Covid made things more complicated as well.
You do whatever you need to do. Preparing for final arrangements shouldn’t be stressful. You have been through enough. Cremation is fine to do!
My husband and I have decided to be cremated. I have no desire for people to look at my dead body.
I had nightmares as a child from my great aunts telling me that my relatives were ‘just sleeping.’ I thought that when I went to bed that I would end up in a wooden box and not be able to get out.
I go to wakes, funerals and memorials for my family and friends to support and comfort the remaining living family. The dead are already gone. Their souls are in heaven. That’s my belief.
My friend on the other hand who cared for her sister with Downs Syndrome felt that she should have the big funeral because it was what her deceased parents wanted for her. They have a plot in a beautiful cemetery. My friend took out a special insurance policy to cover the cost and paid for the notes on that policy. Her sister got the fancy burial and she wouldn’t have had it any other way. So, it is your choice to do what you feel is best.
Other ways to save, cheaper caskets. I have heard of people ordering caskets online because they are supposed to be a lot cheaper.
There isn’t a need to embalm if you don’t do a viewing and then you can have a simple memorial service.
Best of luck.
I believe the parents need to prepay now that setting aside funds may not work if they have to go into a facility.
Not sure why they are insisting on being buried in PA rather than where this family farm is. Maybe they just dont want to be out the money for the burial plots. But i think they can be sold if that's the reason.
For example, in NY, you still have to hire the services of a funeral director to do a green burial. A friend of my husband requested a green burial, and it wasn't really less expensive that a traditional one. Family still had to pay the funeral home, and the plot was *super* expensive - like thousands of dollars, because there are so few of them in this state.
There was also a poster here some time ago - a caregiving daughter whose mother wanted a green burial. She came here in here in near hysterics because, according to what she understood about green burials where she lived, she was the one responsible to wrap her mother's body in the shroud and to get her mother's body out of the home and to the graveyard. Since it was just her, there was no way she could carry mom's remains out of the home. She was also having fits of guilt at the idea of going against mom's final wishes.
I was willing to do a lot for my mom but throwing her lifeless body over my shoulder in a fireman's carry to get her out of the house is not something I would be able - physically or mentally - to do.
When my nephew died it would have cost us over 3k just to transport his body 400 miles and another 2,500.00+ to prepare the body for transportation. That didn't include any burial or services at the other end. It could have easily exceeded 30k and I wasn't doing that. I would rather give it to the living.
Personally, I find it utterly ridiculous for anyone to expect family to fork over tens of thousands of dollars to bury a dead body that they are done with in a specific hole.
The plot is such a minuscule portion of the expense. Yet people think they have paid for a burial by buying a plot. So sad.
If the money isn't available because it was used while they were living, you have to do what you have to do. It's not your parent any longer, it's just a dead body.
Scripture says...ashes to ashes and dust to dust...this proves church teachings about cremation are not scriptural. Just in case your parents are concerned about their souls if cremated, they needn't be.
I would do the cremation and be sure to follow their wishes for everything else.
Another option would be to donate the bodies to a medical school. They’ll cremate them for free once they’re done.