My husband has been in memory care for about a year, during the Covid shutdown. Since I have been visiting him on a regular basis now, he seems really stable. Today the doctor wants to take him off 2 of his medicines that may have been making him drowsy. He is incontinent however and a little unstable on his feet but I’m thinking with help from a caregiver I could bring him home. My hesitation is that this stability may not last and then I would have to go through the whole process of getting him in a decent place again (since there’s no guarantee he could go back to same place). He seems happy and content there. Am I just being selfish because I miss him so much? My family is telling me he is doing well because he is getting good care and they remember what I went through before. He had started wandering and was not always sleeping when he was home but he seems to have passed through that stage. Thoughts on this?
My advice? Leave well enough alone. IF he is happy and thriving, then isn't that what you want? Do you really want an incontinent, memory impaired husband living at home again and all the stuff that ineviatbly goes along with that.
He won't get better. You know that. Think back to how it was before you moved him to MC. Was it wonderful and easy on you?
What you are 'missing' is the Dh you married and the youth and vitality that come with being young and leave us waaaay too soon.
For me, just the incontinence would be a deal breaker.
Don't make any hasty decisions. Think back how it was to have him at home and what toll that took on you. If he qualifies for MC, then he must be fairly high need.
Good Luck--this would be a difficult decision for anyone.
My dad did really well in a supervised situation with others to socialize with, proper meds, timely, nutritional meals and snacks, then he moved and the slow, steady decline started.
You know change can cause a downward spiral for alz/dementia patients, it is a crap shoot to make this kind of change. Dementia never improves, it is degenerative. Good days can fool us all and make us question the diagnosis.
What about doing day outings to see how he is able to deal and most importantly to give you some one on one time with him?
Please listen to your family, they saw the trees you couldn't see when you were in the midst of the forest. Your well being is important for you and him, he needs you to advocate for his and becoming a burned out, exhausted caregiver is not an ideal situation for ensuring this well being for both of you.
Hugs, it is so challenging to know what to do with this rotten disease.
Regular schedules are important with dementia, and changes like moving can really cause a step down in functioning, so be aware of that.
I needed to be daughter, not caregiver. It affected me, my husband, my ability to go anywhere, or help with my grandkids.
My advice is to visit often as you can, maybe even get a video chat device so you can chat even on days you can't make it(we use a Facebook portal)
I love my mom, but she is in the best situation for her. In her right mind, she wouldn't have wanted me to go through what I did. Everything thing about this disease is hard. If his needs are being met, keep him where he is. Nothing is perfect, but I'm sure he would not want you to risk your physical or mental health.
Why not run this question by the spouse forum at the Alzheimer's website to see what they say? I only say this because it's a spouse specific forum and someone over there may have tried this.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=2147485438
No.
No.
If you bring him home, what will you do when the wandering starts in again? He may have 'passed through one stage' of behavior right now, but what happens when he enters ANOTHER phase of behavior you're unable to handle alone at home??
Let common sense prevail. There is NO common sense surrounding the dementias, and the behaviors that change dramatically from day to day. The reason there are Memory Care ALs popping up everywhere is precisely b/c the vast majority of us are unable to handle our loved ones at home without a team of people and a facility specifically designed for their care.
Best of luck
He has 24/7 card and supervision at the moment. Additionally he has a routine that is working for him.
Still visit, but also explore hobbies and interests of your own to enjoy in your free time.
My former bil has Paranoid Schizophrenia, when he was in an institution he did well. He did not have to worry about anything, but when he was moved into 1/2 way houses in the community, things went downhill fast.
To answer your question whether you are being selfish, yes, I am sorry to say so. This is selfishness in that it benefits you more than it wd benefit him. You are thinking wirh your heart while positive and benevolent thinking is realizing he is happier where he is.
So my advice: Don't do it unless you have 24/7 help.
Second, I brought my mom home. I have round the clock care through Medicaid. I pay them extra out of my own pocket because you have to pay more than $12.50 for good help. I’m glad she’s here. I love seeing her every day. But it’s very challenging to find good, honest, reliable caregivers and we have no privacy. Sometimes drama too. It is doable but tough.