My MIL who is in her 90's has her mind. She can talk to anyone about anything but cannot rationalize things well. Her common sense has diminished. She won't read a menu well because she does not have the attention span to read all the options which confuse her so she picks one of the first items she reads off the menu. She does not plan well anymore or have good judgment. She has CHF, diabetes, Stage 4 kidney failure.
I've heard that sometimes people with vascular dementia can be angry and hateful. She certainly is that! She does not like that she went into assisted living and cannot handle the word "no" which we have to tell her sometimes now that my husband and I are responsible for her. Is there an easy way to diagnose her. If it is determined she has vascular dementia, that would explain a lot of what we have recently been going through and we would be able to explain it to other family members who are not aware of all the realities we deal with.
My mom never fully accepted it was dementia. However, I knew it had to be when he would carry his shorts and boxers with him to his chair after using the bathroom and then put them on. My father was obsessively modest around me from the day I was born and he never would have done that with me in the house if he'd had all of his faculties.
Although I knew that his behavior was being driven by a fading brain, it didn't make the situation any easier. When he finally passed, it was a huge relief.
Chances are she'll never be happy in assisted living. Unfortunately that's life. I've had my mom in and out of skilled nursing all year for a variety of ailments. My biggest regret was letting her leave early in January because "they aren't doing anything here". I did it because I was sick and tired of her calling and texting all day long about how the food was so horrible and she was starving. It was a huge mistake. She's now totally bedridden and had I made her stay in January, there is a slim chance she would have been able to at least stand and transfer again. She belongs in a nursing home and refuses to go, but that is another story. You've already got MIL in assisted living. Let the family know that unless someone other than you and hubby are willing to take her in full time OR live with her at her house full time, then she's not going anywhere.
We've been through several telephones, and now it's the remote. She keeps getting the Spanish-speaking button to work somehow so she loses the voice on the channel she's watching. I keep getting calls about there is no voice on my TV. Back and forth we go like raving lunatics. Stop arguing with your mother-in-law and agree with everything she says. No matter how ridiculous a statement she makes, just agree with it. It doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, all you need to worry about is keeping the peace. If your other family members believe that your mother-in-law does not belong in assisted living, have them take her in. I guarantee you she will be out of their homes within a week and your family members will stop arguing with you. Nobody understands the misery of dementia until they're forced to see it and deal with it daily. Sigh.
I wish you the best of luck in this extremely frustrating situation
As an only child, I solicited help from my cousin, a geriatric nurse who Mom likes a lot, to speak to Mom about the dangers of no a/c and windows closed during this past summer (which I’ve been talking to her about for 3+ years). Terry said she NEVER heard Mom speak to her in that tone and Mom was NOT happy to be ‘told’ about the a/c by Terry.
This and many other oddities are now documented for Mom’s ‘new’ doc. Looking forward to his response after he receives fully executed Advance Directives allowing me to speak with him. Wondering if it’s vascular dementia, as well.
Keep us posted. I’ll do the same.