I did something terrible. I pushed my father towards his bed. Maybe 15 feet.
I have a lot of anger built-up. He has caused so much pain for myself, siblings, extended family and especially my mom (who I came home to care for while she had Cancer. She passed away in 2015). I have stayed to take care of him.
He is an alcoholic. He is so wicked with his words. There is no way to enjoy life with him constantly complaining about the smallest things.
Long story short. I lost it. I should have laughed and pushed it away, but my emotions took over. He complained I had my bedside lamp on and, "How dare I!" I feel like a small child again, scared of him.
I made a mistake pushing him. When he came to complain to me, I just lost it.
I am so tired. I wish I didn't have to be here, but I have no choice at the moment. Or else, it's homelessness.
That's my vent. Thanks.
I am here taking care of him because I lost my job back in 2021. I have several brain tumours and it's hard to function most days. I have lost my hearing and cannot walk most days. It's all around awful.
I am trapped. I continue to look for work to no avail.
I am not a bad person, but I know when I've been mentality punched for so long, I will explode.
People can make you feel certain ways. Emotions are so powerful.
I am so tired and sad.
Anyway, that's my vent.
Am I terrible for having done what I did?
I couldn't control it. It wasn't intentional. I just got SO angry I lashed out and saw red.
I don’t have an exit plan. Been out of work since 2021.
and life isn’t cheap. Not when you’re single.
i can’t do much at the moment. I am stuck.
until I get a job, I’m here dealing with everything, while my siblings continue to live their own lives.
they don’t do much other than speak with my Dad on the phone. And then complain to me they are the ones that are suffering more than I am.
I can’t believe it. They suffer more through the phone than I do living with him.
it is the most ridiculous BS ever!
You are NOT a bad person.
Let me tell you a little story.
Years ago the facilitator of the support group that I attended handed out an info sheet. (I am going to get the exact percentages incorrect but that does not matter)
This paper said that 80% of caregivers admitted that they got angry at the person they were caring for.
My comment to the group was...
That means 20% of the people responding lied.
You can not do this day in and day out and not "loose it" at some point.
A few things you can do. And these are for YOU not him.
Get a Caregiver to come in and help you. Dad pays for the caregiver.
Find resources that will help you help him.
*contact local Senior Center and see if they have any programs that will help.
*If dad is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission or the VA and find out if he is entitled to any services. Even a little help is better than none.
*contact Area Agency on Aging find out what help they might know of.
When you get angry do one or more of the following.
If it is safe...walk away.
go out of the house, go for a walk or just sit down and gather yourself.
Practice meditation. All you have to do is just sit calmly and focus on you, block other things out. Just a few minutes is all it takes. Breathe slowly, calmly.
Contact AL anon. You can talk to someone if you need to.
Let YOUR doctors know that you are a caregiver and in a stressful situation. This will effect your health.
I absolutely adore your comment that 20 percent lied. Oh, so true!
Best of luck to you.
Agreed.
I had an awful moment but things are so much better now.
I liked to think that weakness isn’t a terrible thing. It makes you “real” and you understand and grow from whatever scenario you were dealing with.
Gosh, humans are so complicated. It’s hard being alive.
I would bet that we all do.
We are HUMAN not super beings.
If we did not have the capacity to be ashamed of something that we have done that we are not proud of then we lack compassion. I would not want anyone caring for me or a loved one that lacks compassion.
We learn as we go. How to deal with stresses, how to redirect our frustration and anger.
I also have moments that pop back into my head that I am not proud of.
I did what I would do if he were cognizant...I told him I was sorry.
I know in my heart that he would have forgiven me...the difficult thing is to forgive myself.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
While you didn’t plan to lash out with your father, it’s completely obvious that you feel awful about your behavior.
I find your honesty quite refreshing! You are a hurting human being. Hurting people often unintentionally hurt others, not on purpose, but out of frustration. Plus, lack of prolonged sleep can cause serious issues.
It’s miserable to be completely exhausted and still have to care for another person.
I agree with Grandma, if someone claims to be perfect they are lying! No one, absolutely no one is perfect. Every person on this planet has been angry and lost their patience when they have been pushed beyond their limits.
My therapist said to me in therapy, “Anger is a natural response to being provoked. It’s not always a bad thing. It can actually help us to resolve a problem. It’s far worse to bottle up our emotions and ignore a situation.” My therapist also told me apologize, if necessary, and to forgive myself when I overreacted to something.
Our parents know exactly what buttons to push. They are frustrated too. I’m certainly not excusing bad behavior but sometimes it’s unavoidable and we lose it!
I understand perfectly why someone becomes angry in certain legitimate circumstances. I much prefer honesty over someone who is passive aggressive with their nasty digs and a self righteous attitude.
I really hope that you can figure out a way to find placement for your dad, so that you can take care of your own important needs.
Your posting breaks my heart and I wish you peace in the midst of this horrible situation. Please let us know how you are doing.
Call Council on Aging in your area. Get an assessment and recommendations for your father.
My heart is heavy and I really am not a bad person.
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a placement for my Father.
I come from a family where we take care of our elders. This home is his and he will never leave it to live somewhere else.
He is 76, but has a terrible heart condition (that I have recently learned).
He is an immigrant and we are from two different worlds.
I do love him, but patience is so very limiting some days.
I made a mistake, and I did apologize to him.
I am thankful he did not use harsh words towards me. I think he understood why I lashed out and he gave me a hug.
My biggest issue is my heart. When I give everything I have and then get hit hard, I lose control because I bottle it all.
I wish he could use his words with me and understand my perspective. But, that isn’t the case.
Anyway, thank you.
You mention that your dad is an alcoholic but you do not give any other medical conditions that require that you care for him.
If you can provide more info that might also be helpful.
I posted earlier and I would like to add something else.
Sometimes, when a person is living in dire circumstances they are susceptible to harming themselves. Although, it may be unintentional, it happens. Other times, people will deliberately harm themselves as an escape from their misery. There is nothing worse than feeling trapped.
Anxiety and depression are extremely common in caregivers who don’t see a way out of their dilemma. Often times they neglect themselves in order to care for others.
I neglected myself as a stressed out caregiver. I couldn’t eat from being so stressed. My stomach was always in knots and I lost so much weight that my doctor and therapist were concerned. Others will overeat and have health issues stemming from eating too many unhealthy foods to try to comfort themselves.
Very often we neglect our own medical needs, both physically and emotionally. Some people become so depressed that they may turn to substances such as drugs or alcohol. They may sink so low that they are suicidal.
You know the consequences of being an addict. I suspect that you are most likely like I am who shied
away from substances after seeing the damage done by using. My oldest brother was an addict. I never wanted to end up like him. Sadly, some people follow in the same footsteps as the addict because it was their only frame of reference.
Please take care of your own physical and mental health. You owe this to yourself. You deserve to receive proper care. Look into care for your father.
It’s very difficult to take care of myself since I’ve been a caregiver all my life. Not just with my parents but with my siblings and friends as well.
I don’t know anything else and struggle to find a happy medium.
I will try harder to be nicer to myself.
Be well. Thank you for your response.
You are not well with brain tumors. Do you know that 40% of caregivers die before the person they are taking care of ? You replied to another on this thread that placement is not possible because in your family you take care of the elders.
I would argue that brain tumors gives you an exemption to caregiving . Please look for appropriate care for your father to relieve you of caregiving . And also take care of your own health issues . If not, I fear Dad will end up in a nursing home anyway without you being able to visit him .
Do you receive Social Security or Social Security Disability? Medicare, Medicaid or both? I think you need to talk to someone about what are you going to do if things get worse. Your Office of Aging maybe able to help. Does Dad suffer from a Dememntia? If so, maybe time to place him in an Assisted Living or Long-term Care. Then you take care of yourself.
I said Todd, that would be illegal. He said killing someone is illegal too and he cannot see how I put up with my mom (he lives out of state) without getting to that point.
I assured him I would not do something like that, but I guess the point is its our responsibility to create the borders or space so we dont let the nutty parent drive us to do or say things we regret.
You were not a bad person for doing what you did but I think we all need to find ways to prevent the other person from pushing us to that point.
Someone else in your family needs to take care of your father. Call someone now and explain this. It is not a good situation for either of you.
Good luck.
At the very least you'll have people who understand what being with a problem drinker is like and how they manage to deal with it. You may meet a fellow caregiver too!
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
I think what is critical here is that you pay attention to your own red flags. You say you didn't do it intentionally and I completely believe that. It is incredibly easy to be provoked to anger by a parent who has caused you pain your entire life. It is also a dangerous position to be in - caregiving for them as they become more vulnerable -but no less antagonistic, angry or abusive.
One of the things that a lot of people like to tout when talking about caregiving, especially in relation to never putting your parents into a care facility, is a Bible verse about children honoring their parents. The huge, key thing they leave out every time is the part about parents (fathers) not provoking their children to wrath/anger. Now of course not everyone believes in the Bible - but it seems that it doesn't really matter if they do or not, plenty of people will use it as a "reason" for you to do things they think you should do.
I think you really need to consider where YOU are right now. Even the most mild mannered person can be provoked when backed into a corner and fight or flight kicks in. Your father makes you angry. He likely brings back feelings of fear, frustration, panic and any number of other negative emotions just being in the same room with him. And you have years of pent up anger under the surface that have never been dealt with. Also, you have your own health issues that you are not really being allowed to focus on because you are having to focus on him. Everyone deserves the opportunity to focus on themselves at some point - and if you are not well - that is quite frankly - the critical time to take that opportunity. That isn't selfish. That is prudent. It is necessary.
Your father needs care from another source. Be that another family member if they are willing, or an assisted living or nursing home. You have done more than enough. It is time for you to take care of yourself.
I wish I knew how to fix your situation...
You haven’t had a job for over a year. While you are caring for D, you can’t get a job and an income. Until you get an income, you can’t move out. Until you move out, D is calling the shots.
You say “I come from a family where we take care of our elders”. Well, lots of us do – most of our grandparents and great-grandparents had no option other than in-home family care. These days, most of us do “take care of our elders”, but by making sure that they are somewhere safe and comfortable, not by being a live-in maid. This is the point at which your family’s history changes.
You also say “This home is his and he will never leave it to live somewhere else”. Well, this depends on whether he can force you or someone else into being his live-in maid. If he can’t, he will soon be looking for care ‘somewhere else’ in a facility.
This situation isn’t working for you, and it is going downhill fast. I’m puzzled about your ‘several’ brain tumors, but anyway it’s time for you to stop behaving like a 12 year old being pushed around by an ungrateful dictatorial parent. You need to plan your way out of this. Your way out will also give a way out for Dad.