Heartbroken and then this... Has anyone had anything like this happen?
In the past I have dealt with much nastiness from my brother and sister in law regarding my parents - to the point of them calling law enforcement. I thought that we had mended the fences a bit, but my mom passed away yesterday in hospice. I was not there when she actually passed but was the last one in the family group to leave and thought I was last one to see her. I found out that my sister in law ( the one who had said some nasty stuff to mom in the past) went back down there without telling me or my dad. I was too tired to drive back but both of us would have went if someone else had driving. I am very angry that she was with my mom when she passed and my dad and I were not. It's like one upmanship anyway - like I will outdo you in things you do for parents. Interesting, if she did not mind us knowing she was there - she let the nurse call to tell me instead of her calling. I am so angry. She is not HER mom - she's my mother.
Has anyone had anything like this happen. I honestly do not trust anyone in my family anymore. This is just added to the intense pain that I feel.
I do agree with Alva, that holding onto it isn't good. Maybe she went back to apologize for all the nasty things she said to your mother.
I remember when my MIL died one of my sisters-in-law watched as the nurses took her off the ventilator and she died. I thought it was bizarre, but she has to live with it, not me. MIL was already gone by the time I got into the room to say my good-byes.
Remember your mother. Mourn your mother. Allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself the time and space to feel sad. This is about you and your loss. Your SIL does not matter!!
May the memory of your mother be a blessing to you.
Will there be a service? Will SIL be there? See how she behaves before drawing any conclusions or confronting her about her going back. If you want to know why she went back a good time will suddenly open up to ask her in private.
I too think you are projecting your grief on to your SIL. You need to let it go and get over whatever problems you have with her. It’s all in the past and its not healthy to dwell on it and remain angry over it. especially right now. I can tell you that when my MIL was actively dying, done of us were thinking about each other. We were thinking about MIL. I doubt your SIL was thinking about you or your dad. You had both been to see your mom so I don’t think it’s fair to harbor resentment toward your SIL for not driving you back. How was she even supposed to know either of you wanted to go back? No one knew your mom was going to pass. Why do you think it was her responsibility to take you both back?Understandably you are grieving but you are channeling it in to anger and resentment toward your SIL.
I do not understand why your sister in law being with your mum at her death has triggered you? None of you knew that your Mum was going to die yesterday. How was it a betrayal, underhanded or insensitive that she was there when Mum passed? I know you and your Dad would have liked to be with your Mum when she died, but often people will wait to die after the family has left the bedside. I know my Granny waited until her birthday and once the family had left her bedside.
The next weeks and months are going to be hard, please take care of yourself and Dad.
Her body cannot be released to your brother and SIL. As her husband, your father controls this situation and decides what will be done for her whether cremation or burial.
Should your brother arrange and pay for a service that's his business and you and your dad are under no obligation to attend because your mother will already have been given the sendoff she wanted.
I understand that there are hurts and angers in the past. I hope that you can get past them and grieve your mother's loss in peace.
First, not even the Doctors/Nurses can pinpoint when death will occur. It was really the Nurse's responsibility to call ur Dad and tell him that she/he felt that death was eminent. Your SIL may have just happened to be there when Mom passed. My Mom passed 20 min after my nephew and I had been there.
When my sister passed, a coworker was there. When my Mom found this out she said "OMG of all people, the one Donna disliked the most". She died at 9:25 we had left 2 hrs before. It happens.
I think you should let it go. It sounds like ur SIL is immature and needs to be the center of attention. Had an Aunt like this and she had no friends and not well liked by her nieces and nephews.
Dad is now the important one. You need to be there for him. He will need help getting everything together. If she tries to take over, quietly make her aware that Dad has a daughter. That you can handle things. Don't make a scene and don't complain to Dad.
When my Dad passed, my brother, SIL and I went to order flowers. My SIL took over. I allowed it until she was asking Mom about the flowers from the great-grandson. I then asked (I thought nicely) for the book because my daughter asked me to represent her in picking out my grandson's flowers. My SIL didn't talk to me the rest of the day.
So sorry for your loss. Take it a day at actime.
Does she think she is being helpful by being a control freak? I actually had a friend who did this. Notice I used had, past tense. She lost all her friends too by trying to do everything her way.
It’s sad because they truly think they are only trying to help. Plus they view everyone else as inferior and can’t do what they can do. They end up chasing everyone off.
Your mom knew that you and your dad loved her. Hold onto that thought.
I won’t defend your SIL. I don’t know her. You do. There will always be people who want to one up or out do. I understand how annoying that is.
I have no idea what her intentions were so I can’t address it. I don’t think that is what is most important right now. Nor are your siblings. Trust me, I have crappy siblings too. My brother wanted to report me to the police too.
I feel that the most important thing is that you lost your mom. You will grieve that loss. Put the rest on the back burner if you can. I wouldn’t even discuss this with them for now. Emotions are at their peak now and you know it would end disastrous.
Hugs. Take care.
You really have to bite your tongue around these people to keep from giving them the reaction, positive or negative, that they want. I'm so sorry for your loss - it makes dealing with these people ten times harder. It gets better.
Great advice!
Remember the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I wonder also - does hospice not call the family?"
It does not matter what she told your mom. Your mom is in a better place where she sees Truth. The lies don't matter to her anymore. It's harder for us here on earth but we can't change what has been, only what our reaction is. Your mom was with *someone*, which is a good thing, no matter who it was. I doubt your mom really perceived who was there, just that there was a link to the earthly as she made her way into the spiritual realm.
And your Hospice probably does call family. This brings up a very important aspect of Hospice - the services for the family. Perhaps you could call and ask what is available to you as the grieving daughter, that you just need to talk to someone. You will be able to tell someone that you are so disappointed that you did not get to be there because you were not called. That you think they should call the person on the care form, no matter what the person who is visiting tells them about the person on the care form. That "complaint" might actually make it into policy if it's not already, and if it is policy, they might have a review session with the nurse who was present. Hospice offers aftercare and this is exactly why - all the unanswered questions. I think you will be helping others if you make it known since there are so many dysfunctional families.
I pray you can find peace with what happened as your mom made her way over. I know you miss her!
I had two aunts and the older one was terribly jealous of the younger one, so leaving it to a family member to decide who is there and who is not, is very disturbing to me. We just assumed about hospice and we assumed wrong, I guess.
I do miss her terribly, but finding notes she wrote to me all over the house!
Your grieving will be complicated because of your Sil's secrecy, her betrayal of trust, and yes, it has caused you more pain, or you would not have written about it. She was there, and did not call you, but had the nurse call. Another slap in the face. She was your mother, yes she was. And you will miss her.
Please do not give a moment of your time to regrets. You will be sad enough that she is gone. If you want to just give up any anger that Sil has brought into your life, you can and will need to. Honor your Mom's life with good thoughts of her only.
I am so sorry for your loss. May God grant you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.
The notes that your mom left for you are her way of loving you and telling you how very much you meant to her, that is such an amazing gift to leave for you. She obviously knew your heart towards her, don't give any head space to your SIL, she doesn't deserve any more from you.
I pray that you receive a sign from her letting you and dad know that she is not suffering any longer and that she will be waiting to hold you again.
And yes, get counseling. For grief *and* anger. Continuous anger only hurts you, no one else. It seems simplistic and frustrating, but you’d be amazed at how you feel when you’ve gotten past it. You don’t have to say that she didn’t do something very hurtful, but accept for yourself (and your dad) that she is who she is and that you can’t change her.
Long story short... it was my half grown kids & I that were keeping vigil. I was supposed to call my husband when death was “pretty close”. My mother-in-law happened to come for a short visit & 20 minutes after she left her husband died. My husband got there about 8 minutes to late to be with his dad.
There wasn’t an hour to notify anyone in my situation, it was down to minutes.
Did your Sister-in-law know that you would go back to the hospice if she were driving? Maybe she just thought it would be nice if someone were there so she went. You were tired & needed to rest or you would’ve stayed. It just happened that your mom passed while she was there, it’s no one’s fault.
This happened to my friend. The nurse instructed her to go home and get needed rest. That’s when her mom died. The nurse even told her. She is ready to die and does not want to let go in front of you. The second she got home. The nurse called and said that her mom had died.
Still, I understand how the OP feels and she knows the circumstances. I get her hurt and pain.
Regarding the passing of your Mom and missing being there at the time of her passing, we had my FIL dying and on Hospice in our home, and I knew that the end was near, but I did not think he would pass on the morning that he did. I had only just been in his bedroom with him and he had spiked a fever. I wasn't sure what to do so I left the room to call our Hospice Nurse. In just that moment that I was on the phone my husband realized that he wasn't breathing, from looking at the baby monitor we had just installed. We rushed into his room together, the Hospice Nurse still on thge line with me, and he was gone, I was shocked, it all seemed so sudden, but that just must have been the way he wanted it, still it upset me as I had cared for him for so long and expected to be with him in his last moments.
No matter how we try, we just cannot predict anyone's time of death, it is always unexpected.
The grieving process is different for everyone and yours will be your own personal journey, don't rush it, as it will come in waves, interspersed with all the good memories, and that your Mom has placed notes around the house is such a beautiful tribute to you and the loving care that you gave her, she knew that you would need those sweet reminders that she is still with you, but in a different way, she must have Loved you so very much.
Pay your SIL no mind, and try to think that she was just trying to be loving towards your Mom there in the end, just let that go now, and don't give her the satisfaction of Any thoughts or words on it.
The night that she passed I couldn't sleep, though I was exhausted, and I was lying in bed softly singing hymns that she liked. Right about the time of her death, I felt a sharp pain in my back and then it was like I heard her say ' I heard those sweet songs.' This was before I knew she had passed away.
My prayers to all of you going through Christmas without your loved one. My grandma passed right before Christmas too and I remember my mom saying "Christmas in heaven - wouldn't it be glorious?"
Love the way your Mom thought, Christmas in heaven-wouldn't it be glorious.