Can I be held legally responsible for damages to my Mother's house or injuries that may happen to my Mother in my absence?

Your mom may want to be left alone but she is no longer able to make those kinds of decisions on her own. You could potentially be held liable if you left her alone and there was an accident in your absence especially since you are aware of previous mishaps.

I don't blame you for needing a break. You definitely need one. But before you take one you must line up in-home care for your mom or arrange for her to go to a facility while you take respite care.

With no reasoning skills, as you describe, I would be afraid to leave her alone for any length of time. The number of things that could go wrong are endless. I would fear liability, plus harm to her and others.

Rarely do dementia patients admit they are not able to take care of themselves and insist on round the clock supervision. In their mind, they're fine. That's when they have to be taken care of as you would a child who isn't capable of looking out for themselves.

Getting her to accept the care is the key. There are many ways to do that, ranging from insistence to persuasion. I would certainly halt her cooking ability, even if I had to disable the stove or pull the circuit breaker.

Seek help

Contact your local office for the aging and local hospice programs -- not because she needs hospice, but because they have lists of respite care options such as facilities or people who can stay with your mother while you are gone. I think, although I'm not positive, that even Medicare covers short periods of respite care. It will be well worth finding options because you cannot survive 24/7 care year after year. You must get periodic relief (more frequently than every two years) and there is help available. Your mother won't like it, but you are going to have to do it anyway for both your sakes. Good luck.

You can't leave her alone - that is an absolute. She is quite clearly at risk. I am in UK so things MAY be different there - BUT you are entitled to a break. You have a lifespan care act that may enable you to access respite - Im not to sure how it works but you might want to look up The Lifespan Respite Care Act of 2006

If you can access it you can usually - and it is usually not a given force your Mum into respite care for one reason and one reason alone. If you don't have a break then you are going to have a breakdown...at this point it will all be taken out of your hands and your Mum would be put into care possibly permanently.

So to put her into care for a week or two while you have a much needed break is realistic and you must have agencies or possibly grant agencies/charities that would enable this.

If you rang APS and said you were on holiday for a week they WOULD step in and then there is a risk that you would be prosecuted for neglect. However if you consult in advance to arrange the care and are insistent on it then you won't be leaving her alone. She might be stroppy as hell initially but she will forget soon enough - My mum hates going into care for a week but she goes because I HAVE to have a break - all my family know when I need one - I cry a lot at stupid things.

We live near a hospital and found many great nurses and aids who were more than willing to come sit and care for the elderly for only $10 an hour. This is as inexpensive as we could find. The agencies charged from $18-$24 an hour. But with a nurse, we were safe.

We also found the Sister Servants of Mary - a catholic order of Nuns whose only ministry is to come and sit with the sick and dying to give the family a break. This is in New Orleans, and I don't know if there are similar groups in other cities, but you could call Catholic Charities and ask. They did not charge, but of course welcomed donations to their Order.

My question is why would you leave someone in that condition. I hope no one leaves me alone if i am like that, i might start myself on fire or fall and be alone in pain. Your moms dpao needs to start setting up a care and pay schedule. My mom was at your moms stage 17 years ago. I did the at-her home care and shes now been with me 8 years. Shes 94 non mobile and non verbal , incontinent and swalowing problems. So as you see, this is a long road. Make plans. My plan is morning help and i can get out. I use carecom and went thru many before i got a good woman. Use your moms ss or etc to pay them, ir yourself. Good luck

I agree that you have every right for a break, but that it's best to hire someone to come in. If you have volunteers in your community such as HomewithDad mentioned, that's ideal.

If not, in-home care agencies offer varying hours. I'd start with having someone come a few hours a day while you are there before you take your trip. Then take your break and keep the help if you/she can afford it. You shouldn't be on duty 24/7 for years at a time.
Good luck,
Carol

If you have an electric stove it needs to be put on and shut off at the breaker box every time you use it. She could start a fire while you are in the bathroom or sleeping. This almost happened to our family when a loved one got up in the middle of the night and left a burner on for several hours while 3 family members were sleeping including me. Thankfully no one got hurt in our case. You cannot leave your mom alone at all and you need to take steps to make everything safe for her when you are in the home but not within visual contact with her. A time will come, if it hasn't already, where you will not be able to keep her safe with just one person with her all the time.

Dear Reverseroles, it is because she is desperate probably even to get in groceries much less get a hair cut or go to the dentist herself. and to Moms2nddaughter, take her to your sisters for a few days and d*mn that she wants to sleep in her own bed. That's as selfish as it gets on her part. When she gets there, she will have a good time and the break will be good for both of you.

What do you do when the family does not help with anything for their 86 year old father. My boyfriend and I had to move back in his home to care for him and we do everything for him period. And it's putting a big strain on our relationship. I didn't want to move back here at all. It's not fair we have no freedom at all, but the rest of the family does. Please someone.

You cannot leave your mom alone, and you know that. Stop letting your demented mom run your life. You already KNOW what's wrong with mom. Now I'm asking, "What is wrong with YOU?" Hope this is a wake-up call. You desperately need one.

I feel your pain, for 5 years nobody helped me. I finally gave up and hired a live in helper who gives me 3 - 4 full 12 hour days per week. She works part time elsewhere. My daughter is finally pitching in for 10 hours a week. Mother pays both of them out of her social security and VA Aid in Attendance benefits. You might check and see if your bf's father has VA or if he served in the military. It could boost his income by up to $1800 per month for the veteran and $1100 for the widow.

My mom is has similar issues to yours but I have taken a few precautions and I do leave her alone for short periods of time because I have to work. I took the knobs off our electric stove and bought a microwave with a child lock because she did accidentally leave it on too long and melted something that set off the smoke alarm. Honestly though, my friends mom did the same thing and she doesn't have dementia, just pressed to many numbers and then fell asleep. I also have camera's in the house (den, kitchen, living room) to check on her occasionally so if she fell I would know.. I work only 15 minutes away so I usually run home for lunch. I leave her food to eat, snacks, bananas, and water so she eats, watches TV, plays with our dog and sometimes sits on our living room sofa with the dog and people watches out the window. She doesn't try to leave the house so she seems to do well on her own. Each person has to assess their own situation and determine their own plan of action. If she wanders than maybe she can't be left alone or she may leave the house. Also never, ever leave car keys, dangerous liquids, scissors or knives where she can get them. I am an only child and I am afraid that some people don't realize how hard it is when everything falls on your shoulders. personally I think you need to have a talk with your siblings and instead of them going on a vacation, they need to come stay a week at the house while you take a break. They have just as much responsibility to care for he as you do. If they won't then they should pay for a sitter while you go away for a week or weekend. If your sister lives close enough to take your mom then she lives close enough to get her butt over to your house and sit with mom for a day or a weekend. So sad if that is an inconvenience for her but you have been inconvenienced for a while now.

From my perspective working in care management the first thing that is needed is to learn about how to handle dementia. Your local library may have a DVD set that helps explain the process, what to do and may actually show you the deterioration of the brain as it shrinks and the damage that occurs to the brain. It is shocking when you see how little of the brain still exists.

Next I suggest you call your local Alzheimer's Association and ask to speak with a counselor. They are available 24/7. They can help you decide what to do.
In my opinion, the reason things are so difficult, is in fact because there is a need for a care manager. If you wish to take on that role then there needs to be what we call a care plan.

Decisions will need to be made as to how yor mother's care is handled from the most basic of tasks to how are the bills going to be handled, who is going to be the Durable Power of Attorney f(DPOA) for finances and most importantly who will be DPOA for Healthcare.

You can seek answers on the internet but also locate an elder law attorney in your area. Ask for a one hour consultation so that you understand what is necessary and what is required. Don't just speak to the first person you find. Look into all of the elder law attorneys, ask around, then when you have identified someone you like go ahead and make an appointment.

Hope this helps. Good Luck.

I have 3 caregivers who help with my mom but she is alone overnight. We are now looking at a memory care center for her after an incident when she was trying to cross the street, a lady picked her up and to make a long story short, the police were called. We unplugged her stove a couple years ago, had to put a lockbox on her thermostat so she wouldnt burn out the unit and are constantly looking for things she has misplaced. All of the decisions fall on me as my brother is uninvolved. I am afraid that an accident will happen if Mom does nor enter a facility but she does have periods of lucidity and i am dreading the fallout when i inform her of the necessary move. At least the facilities i am researching will take her dog, which is a huge deal to her. For her own safety, the integrity of the house she is renting and my own sanity, i am forced to act but i am not looking forward to her reaction. Its tough alll the way around....

Why would you allow your mother with dementia - as you've decsribed with the "reasoning" power of perhaps a toddler - make a decision about YOUR life? OR her own? She is not apable of doing so. YOU are the adult now and it is up to you to make the best decisions for both of you.

The fact pattern you described is familiar. I typed in a search of agingcare.com for "elder neglect" and the top article is on self neglect:
https://www.agingcare.com/News/The-Hidden-Dangers-of-Elder-Self-Neglect-146760.htm

Your question about legal responsibility is important. Can a family member simply walk away from someone whom they have cared for? There may be many theories of liability. Rather than write about all the bad things that could be imagined, I'd like to mention some of the resources and approaches that you could look to, for help with these difficult and frustrating circumstances.

Have you called on the Area Agency on Aging, ASAP (Aging Services Access Point) or town senior center? There may be many resources for care and assistance available to you. These agencies should provide you with approaches that can work.

Alzheimer's Association offers support groups and training for caregivers.

If you need legal authority to protect your mother's finances and health, a Conservatorship and/or Guardianship petition can bring the needs into focus and provide you, or an objective professional Guardian, with the authority to manage care and finances. There may be a charitable organization that provides guardianship services in your area.

The ASAP and/or an elder law attorney can help you identify home care reimbursement and payment programs that may be available through Medicaid, state agencies or the VA if you mother or father are veterans.

There's no denying the difficulty of the situation, but finding help to serve your mother's best interests is an accomplishment that is worth the effort.

Wow, thank you for this question and for all of the answers.

First, yes, of course, if any of us relinquish responsibility that we have taken on and that results in harm to another, then we are responsible. You and your mom could be sued for all sorts of things. Just as if our child causes harm or damage.

Second, there is a rule of the sea: you don't make long passages alone. It is forbidden (though stupid people do it) because it is so dangerous. The boat and radio need to be tended 24/7, meaning you cannot sleep. And you must sleep!

For me, this analogy is clear. Caregivers need plenty of back-up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Third, I would like to point out that one's family member need not be in the worst possible condition for us to suddenly be placed into the "responsibility harness." My husband has a number of medical issues and he is doing quite well with all of them. We have lots of labs and appointments and all, you know the drill. He is a brilliant man. BUT he has just slipped in his own abilities that teeny, tiny little bit that put him over the edge--to where I have to take over, literally, every day something new.

It started in November 2014 with his not being able to drive. He would kill someone, believe me. But here is the kicker: he himself has not decided not to drive. This means that for the last ten months I have had to pretend that, heck, that's just where I wanted to go, too.

OK, so this means that I am so doing all of the driving no matter what, no matter how trivial and unnecessary I find the trip. But also in the last ten months, he has, with diplomatic grace, passively transferred ALL responsibilities to me. I now do EVERYTHING from the garden to the car to the computer to the house to the paperwork, insurance, blah, blah, blah. And, on top of that, he has just begun to: leave drawers open, leave the fridge open, leave the water running full blast (and can't hear that), leave lights on...

And as I was saying, this is someone who is doing pretty well. He can feed, bathe, and dress himself. He can so some small workouts at the gym, he can do a tiny bit in the garden. He reads a lot and writes to friends. And yet at the same time, he has abdicated all responsibility.

I guess what I am saying is this: the responsibility net is wide and deep. It can scoop us up long before our loved one is in a really bad state.

The thing that helps me the most in this period of limbo, don't laugh, is to remember that God doesn't give us more that we can handle. When I remember that, I perk up.

I don' know if this is helpful to others but it certainly has been cathartic for me.

Medicare doesn't cover what you need. I'm in this boat right now. I smiled where you said you couldn't begin to go into what you have to do in a day or the myriad of ways things can go wrong. I like to say Mom is like a 2 year old with life experience, ha! Medicare calls what your Mom needs 'supervision', not 'skilled care'.

Anyway, if you are in NY, there is something called the Nursing Home Diversion Program. Your Mom will need to qualify for Medicaid (there are ways to handle the spend down - like pooled trusts - and there's no 'look back'). Then, if the care she needs can be provided in her own home cheaper than going to a nursing home, Medicaid will pay for it.

Alternatively, If you have private pay funds then use them! But I'm guessing you would already be doing so if you could. Churches often have folks who will visit seniors, you can use this time for respite.

If you do end up having to find a nursing home for her, make sure they specialize in dementia care. I've found that the 'average' nursing home is a terrible place for someone with dementia who also has emotional/behavioral issues. They cannot provide the one-on-one staff these patients need for their own safety.

Please contact your Area Agency on Aging. They have so many resources I can't even count them. You NEEd a break and there are senior "day care" centers who would offer a high level of care for your mother while keeping her busy.
A couple years ago, I met a man who cared for his wife while she was dying of cancer. He said, and this is verbatim, "The caregiver goes down with the ship". This is not true if the caregiver gets support and time off.

I agree with the others who suggested having your sister come & stay with her. Why not rotate every other weekend! You need a break! Best wishes it happens for you soon.

She sounds like she is unable to make competent decisions about her health or financial affairs due to moderate to severe dementia. You should consider your respite another decision that is not up to her anymore simply because her cognitive impairment prevents her from grasping the reality of the situation and negative effects of her refusals.

I agree with previous posts suggesting starting out a few hours here and there while you are present to get her used to the idea of someone else caring for her in the home. I would not leave her alone without another caregiver present - many things can happen the least of which being sued or brought up on charges. I have had home care aides show up at a person with dementia's house and have them locked out or the person forgets they said yes to the care. We've always found a way around it and never left her alone.

Caregivers with experience in dementia and Alzheimer's care should be able to work around your mom's resistance - if they cannot then they are not the right person. Come right out and ask when interviewing candidates - "how would you get around resisting care?".

Lastly - yes get an elder law attorney and geriatric care manager to consult on these issues of competency and guardianship. You may have more options than you think with the right support!

You need respite care to come in (at your expense) to watch her (regardless of what she thinks about it). If you have MPOA and POA, you are responsible for her and leaving her alone knowing full well she could burn down the house makes you culpable and negligent in the eyes of the law. I have the same situation with my husband and just checked out having a sitter, but at $20 an hour, Medicare won't pay, neither will Tricare for Life, so he is going with me when I need to be gone more than 30 mins. (shopping). He doesn't turn on burners like when we had gas, but I worry about him leaving doors open and having the dogs out in the heat for too long. You must protect your mother from herself, and since dementia is a terminal illness, just put your needs on hold. Do you have any neighbors or friends that could spell you? I know it is hard, and I'm sorry for the loss of your father...

We are dealing with a similar issue and would love it if someone with real knowledge and/or experience with the issue of liability would reply.

I have no idea what your responsibility would be in case your mom started a stove fire and unplugging the stove and microwave when not in use is a great idea! But otherwise you are providing round the clock live-in care for your mom and that is not neglect. Your mom has access to medication, food, shelter, companionship, etc. I was just discussing this issue with my husband (a doctor) and was asking what he does if a frail elderly person is injured when they were at home alone. Could the family caregiver be charged with abuse or neglect? He said that it is highly unlikely. Most likely, he would refer the patient to a social worker to make sure that arrangements are made for discharge -- will the person have adequate supervision when they return home, or will they need to find another living arrangement for the person? (And by the way, that is a lot of work and most social workers will not pursue that unless there is no nearby family and/or patient’s family is adamant they can’t provide care at home.)

Here is a description of what is considered elder abuse and neglect:
helpguide/articles/abuse/elder-abuse-and-neglect.htm

And from National Center on Elder Abuse:
http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/faq/index.aspx

If you need to run an errand and have to leave mom for 30 minutes -- if she is not a wanderer, stove is unplugged, etc. -- that does not sound like neglect. I have never heard of paid caregivers who will run to your house at a moment’s notice to babysit for half an hour. These things need to be scheduled in advance and sometimes the necessity of the errand outweighs the risk of leaving the elderly person home for a short time. If she has a “button” (for Life Alert or similar) and is capable of using it, it seems reasonable to occasionally leave her unattended for short periods of time. Sometimes the comfort of the person being able to stay at home balances out the risk of leaving them alone, and that is something the caregiver must decide.

Area Agency on Aging, the VA (if your dad was a veteran), Catholic Social Services, and Jewish Community Centers often have some help available, and some states offer PACE programs (which provide senior day care free of charge to most people who enroll.) None of these agencies, as far as I know, offer nighttime help or “last minute” requests (unless you enroll her in an adult day care) and they are all stretched thin. AAA (and CSS which work with them in our town) and the VA have been a huge help to us, but it only alleviates a small part of the burden. You sound like a very loving daughter and I hope you find support!

For the people offering “have to’s” and “musts”, it seems like Moms2nddaughter is weighing her options and risks, something that family caregivers do all the time. It is not an easy decision to place someone in a nursing home. Unless her mom is wealthy, hiring visiting help is going to be a challenge financially, outside of the above agencies which will probably get you 12-16 hrs a week total, if you are lucky. Finding a facility for her mom is going to be a challenge in a lot of ways. I am pretty sure she is asking about liability because she is trying to weigh her risks/costs/benefits of keeping her mom at home versus those of trying to place her somewhere. Real information will help her make that decision. Offering your judgement telling her what she “has to do” with worst case scenarios of all the harm she might hypothetically be doing when she is already caring for her mom round the clock is only going to increase anxiety, when she obviously has enough to deal with already!

Since I just had an agency come to my house, there is a four hour minimum, and yes, they could supply someone on a moment's notice. I was referring to real neglect if the person were to not do any safeguards to protect the person with dementia when they left the house. I worked as both a nurse and social worker in home health care too.

If you have issues with the oven/stove like we did, Ma lives with me also, buy a digital ceramic top one. This is worth all the money and safety in the world to us. The one we got also has a "lock" option so she could not turn it on. If Ma has the money use her funds to purchase it. Peace of mind.

Sorry Ferris, I wasn't referring to your post. I was referring to the earlier, more mean-spirited ones. We had agencies tell us that they could supply someone at a moment's notice too, and hopefully the one you found is better about that than the ones we have used. We have found that often an agency says one thing, but they don't actually have enough people working to actually be able to deliver on that promise.

And also it is a little bit different dealing with a spouse than it is with a parent or grandparent. Your husband probably sees you as his peer and equal. No matter how demented a parent is, they still seem to see their adult children as children and do like to acknowledge the child "knows better." If Moms2nddaughter's mom is at risk, the daughter knows she needs to do something. Convincing the mother that things are changing and she will have to go along with that is another matter.

When we encountered this with my mom, one thing we upgraded was her homeowner's insurance and we put a pretty big umbrella on it for not much cost. After she dismissed all the 24/7 caregivers we faced a period of 'home alone' while we arranged a memory care unit bed...For us, that was a good thing to do. We couldn't stay with her, and she didn't accept anyone staying with her. Oh yes, and we did disconnected the stove at the fuse box, upgraded the fire extinguishers and smoke alarms, got a life-alert she would not wear, I have lost track. We just felt that having strong insurance would be a good idea.