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We live in NJ and are retired. Anita is a 68 year old previous work friend of mine who I socialized with over the last several years who lives in CT. She is an independent single person who lives alone. She lives near her best friend, an older woman who she asked to be her primary POA. Anita has asked me to be her "back up POA" but I am leery about taking this on. Anita pays all her bills by mail and has nothing set up on a computer and despite being her "friend" we have been the ones who always entertained her which we didn't mind, but we have never been invited to her apartment. Previously when driving from NJ to Cape Cod we couldn't even drop by for a pit stop. Weird. She has some relatives in CT who she says she does not see often. When dealing with my mother's affairs I saw how even with a POA it was difficult to manage another person's affairs (ie social security not accepting POA's) How can I tell her I don't want to take on this responsibility, especially at a distance without offending her?

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I would just be honest and short.  Tell her thank you for trusting me with that kind of responsibility, but I can't.  Tell her you have other family members that you are responsible for and you know your limits.

That's all you really need to say.
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Yes, being a POA can be a time consuming task when action is needed. I think you could just tell her that the distance is an issue for you even as a back up. I believe she can always assign her attorney the role of POA if she doesn't feel comfortable asking anyone else.
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After reading all the responses on how no one wants any part of being a POA... then what prey tell does an individual do to attain someone in case if an emergency situation. Especially if he/ she has no family? Asking for a friend
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Dosmo13 Nov 2020
Try to to choose a friend who is willing...willing and able.
Not every friend is able. They might be willing, but not have the foggiest notion what you need. You want a POA who will make wise decisions, one who has good business judgement and/or knows credible professionals to consult when needed.
Don't be upset if a friend declines your request. They may be a good friend but just be uncomfortable with the responsibility. Hopefully you'll be able to choose someone with some qualifications, and with whom you are on good or friendly terms, even if not your closest friend.
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It’s an easy decision to say no. The way to do it is this.

“I’m so sorry I just can’t take this on. I wish you the best.

and then shut up.

don’t give any excuse as an excuse is something she can pick apart. Then you’re set up to defend your position.

Keep saying I just can’t.

if she really pushes you against your will, she’s not really a friend.

then you can logically say that you just don’t want to.

good luck!
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TouchMatters Nov 2020
A person could start with "I don't want to do it, thanks for asking me though." And stop talking (not shut up). Smile and change the subject. And/or get up and leave or hang up the phone if necessary. Do not engage in the 'enlisting process.'

Of course, with my response below, dementia must be considered and responded to accordingly. i.e., a person with dementia cannot process hearing "NO" as a person w/o dementia can. Learn how to communicate in this (often) new language. If the person cannot comprehend, they need to figure out, perhaps with social services and/or family how to proceed.

Too many people are too afraid (conditioned) to not assert themselves, to not believe that how they feel is okay (to share) with another person. Self respect, self-love IS telling another how you feel, with clarity and conviction.

As I just read (Katie, a spiritual leader said) "It isn't your business to like me, that's mine."

Whatever the question or request it, it is up to the person asking to handle and deal with their own needs and it is up to the person being asked to take care of their self and do what they want/can/ feel inclined to do in same way (i.e., sharing a responsibility or finding a win-win).

Most important, it is up to the person requesting to deal with the answer they receive and decide how to handle it; it is not up to the person declining (whatever is asked) to take on the responsibility for how the person handles it, feels about it, etc. How they feel is their business. Do not take responsibility for someone else's responsibilities. This seems to be how so many are indoctrinated; perhaps it is based on religious beliefs. Whatever or however this happens, it is up to each of us to put our self first so we CAN function - then we take on what we can and want to. Don't let yourself you go with a sinking ship. We are here for each other. gena
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Do not do not do not. Being POA is something you do for close, very loved ones. It is a labor of love but it is labor. Reserve your strength and energy for your nearest and dearest only.

Don't even agree to be secondary. I was secondary POA for my parents, my very closest friend, and her husband, and secondary for their impaired daughter's trust and health. My father, my friend, and her husband all died within months of each other and I was left settling three estates and caring for two individuals with multiple health problems and dementia. You never know how the future will unfold. Please listen to the excellent advice you are seeing here and say no. And keep saying no.
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Katie22 Nov 2020
Maybe this woman has no close relatives.
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If you’re not comfortable being a back up POA then just say that. The distance is too significant for you to deal with. Some people have to deal with distances. I live in the mountain west, the memory impaired brother in Chicagoland and the other brother is in the Boston area. In setting up the POA I knew it was very important for my brother to feel comfortable with the people selected. His daughter and I are joint POA for finances. It sounds like you’re not sure you’re close enough with this woman to be a backup and that’s OK . If she raises a big stink then you know where your friendship stands.
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Perhaps some misconceptions here? POA does not mean that one "has" to do anything. It means that one has the "power" to sign documents for the person in question. That being said, this friend probably has expectations of what LaDivina1 will do for her, if necessary. LaDivina1 clearly states that she does not want this responsibility, and needs to be clear about that with Anita. I fail to understand why that should be hard to do for a grown woman, especially when Anita is not close with LaDivinia1. I wouldn't hesitate to ask my close friends to be my POA, and I would not be the least bit offended if they said "no." They would not turn me down without good reasons, and I choose to go with that. That's how grown women behave.
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If you are close to her age, I would use that. The major issue is the distance she is from you. I went thru this with my sister (94). I lived 2 1/2 hrs away and it was very difficult to manage her care even after moving her to an ASL. The decisions that have to be made About the care and managing their finances. It was very time consuming and this was my sister. I WOuld not take on responsibility for a friend with distance being issue, money an issue, and you would be responsible till she dies. I would not want another, it is as a job, time consuming and ties you down. If u enjoy your free time and being able to do things, I would say NO To this responsibility
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Imho, the answer that you should give her is a "No, you cannot do this." I knew a woman similar in nature to this person - an LPN, who worked pro bono for me until I could arrive at my mother's house. It turns out this businesswoman, who worked as a night nurse at clients' homes in 12 hour shifts never had any technical wherewithal. She even had the audacity to ask me - "Don't you think that your mother had a T.I.A."? My response "No, my mother suffered an ischemic stroke." She also continued to question why I had an email address; she did not although she ran a business!
Sorry, that was a little off topic, but I was trying to imply the strangenesses.
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tell her your doctor advised against it due to your health.
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Distance is a HUGE factor as well as age along with the other issues mentioned. I am POA for my able bodied mom who is not computer savvy and a bit wiffy, 89, 125 miles away. Just getting food to her this year has been difficult. Thankfully my son has been able to help.
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I agree with other responders. Holding a POA for someone is a huge responsibility. Your friend should consult an lawyer who specializes in elder law. She can find lawyers in her area via www.naela.org (National Association of Elder Law Attorneys. Please don't feel any guilt for refusing this responsibility. It is hard enough to act as POA when you really want to perform that role, much less when you have reservations about it.
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No No No!!!!!
Unless you have a 100% free time to devote to this, you are computer and legal savy, you don't mind no upside, you don't mind be legally responsible if something goes wrong. Run as fast as you can away from this... I am speaking from experience........
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Perhaps your friend is a hoarder. I know a woman like this, she would always have me pull up to her house and honk the horn and she would come out. I have known her for 40 years. Once I had to use the restroom and she begrudginglyly let me in...and the place was packed full of stuff and not cleaned!! I just pretended to use the facilities. She was and is a major shopaholic and even the shower rod had clothes hanging from it wall to wall.
As for the POA....it is sad when there are so many people with no one to do this, but there must be other ways if no one wants to take on that responsibility. I will be facing this most likely some day.
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PoofyGoof Nov 2020
That’s exactly what I was thinking— hoarder.
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I asked my best friend to. Be POA in case my brother predeceased me. I started by saying she could say no and I would understand. She was honored to be my POA. Even so, it was hard to ask. You may want to say you want want her to have a more appropriate person for this.
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Just tell her....what's she going to do? Kill you?....ijs
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I recently endured a life-threatening emergency and it was a real eye opener as a good friend was with me and made the 911 call and kept some other apprised, until my sister (out of state) got involved... but people I had entrusted (and who vaguely may have recalled) my having them be my ICE people (in case of emergency) were out of the loop for the most part. No hospital visits (except for one person, after the crisis period had passed). No feedback before major decisions were made, although it was a critical time and decisions had to be made...for instance I was helicoptered to the nearest major hospital for surgery. The ride alone tallied up to $47K putting me in debt (situation yet to be resolved). So as I recover I am reconsidering the choices I made. One I trusted greatly has yet to communicate at all with the briefest "how's it going/hope you're coming along type email when we were regularly in touch....It is a very important decision and if you have been selected it was no doubt done with much thought, and clearly a great deal of respect for you, knowing you were of the ethical and moral belief system that you would respect your friend's wishes and follow through. This brings great comfort to people. But clearly you know yourself well, and know the issues well. Would you feel differently if the issues you mention were resolved? Then I think you need to convey with sensitivity and respect and kindness, that you must decline at least unless these concerns are satisfactorily addressed for your comfort and you feel you have all the info you need. I understand about SS but there is also a way to set up so you can be a representative payee and I imagine there must be a way to set this up when everyone is alive and well. I would as always suggest the investment of touching base with an elder law attorney who is very familiar with these issues if certified...and make sure all your t's are crossed and i's dotted....In a way you are being held to the highest standards and should be honored to be chosen for this role. I would think it would be a "mitzvah". And if you at least are the executor of the estate, you are also entitled to compensation.
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Dear LaDivina1,
I write from the patients point of view. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ 4 1/2 yrs ago. I was diagnosed when my DW and I were doing Estate Planning for our family. My DW has both my Medical & Financial POA's our adult children are the backups. There is a lot of work to do with both of these powers. Should the current POA decide they don't want to accept the responsibility and they default to you, you are taking on a Second World of Work. I once agreed to be a POA for a co-worker, who was in bad financial straits, and no family, I had to walk away from it and let the Govt take over. I was too young and too irresponsible for all of the duties that were attached to it. My impression from reading your post, is to say, I'm sorry, I am no longer able to serve in the position you wish me to take on. This will then give them time to find another alternate, that lives in the same state that they do. I wish you good luck, and I'll send some prayers up for you.
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My father in law had his oldest daughter set up as trustee of his revocable living trust and POA. She lives in MA, father in law lived in WI.

When it all hit the fan, she could not manage his affairs from out of state. So she resigned as trustee and POA and my spouse who lives in WI assumed the duties.

There was a LOT of work and time needed to perform the duties: banking, investments, health care decisions, housing and other arrangements that needed attention as his health deteriorated.

So it came time for my dad to set up general durable POA/health care POAs, as well as a personal representative for the estate. He named me since I had a career in finance, was the oldest and most trusted child.

However, the estate includes a family owned and run business, and a valuable commercial rental property. I would have had to manage all that, plus time spent with the health care issues, which was a lot. Knowing how much time and trouble my spouse had with managing his dad's affairs, I resigned all those powers and my younger brother and sister assumed the duties. So I think it's only fair that the two who will inherit the assets do the work related to that.

Assuming POA and/trusteeship and later, personal representative for an estate is a lot of work, and being out of state, the distance is a problem as well. I'd tell the friend that you cannot assume those responsibilities. She should look to a bank or trust company to manage the financial piece and a nearby friend or relative to manage the health care POA.
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As Nancy Reagan used to say "Just Say NO"
"If" this woman is a friend of yours, the foundation of friendship is being honest and clear. You do not need to give her any reasons or excuses. Thank her for considering you and say:

"I need to decline and appreciate the trust you've placed in me."

Period end of conversation. "IF" you continue to talk and give reasons, it will open a[n unnecessary] can of worms and reflect some level of guilt or discomfort on your part -- Although you could say,

"I have too much on my plate now and can't take anything else on. Thanks though for thinking of me. "

P.S. I did turn down a friend who asked me. It was way too much responsibility for my comfort level. Friends - friendship = personal integrity and honesty. If you are not accustom to this way of 'being,' with others, it is a good opportunity to practice . . . practice believing in yourself and how you feel as being okay. More than okay.
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I speak from a lifetime of experience, and I will be 87 in three weeks. I personally did become a power of attorney for a lady who was like a mother to me. It is impossible to tell you in a few words how my life utterly changed. No one knew it at the time but she was being scammed, to over $l00,000, and horrible things were happening. When she was hospitalized, her niece with POA realized there was a terrible problem and asked me to take over. My life was threatened because I got the $l00,000 back. I have a huge 3 ring notebook with every detail of every situation that occurred - it was a nightmare from hell. In the end, I won every battle (and boy did I learn about life and people) but I took care of her for 28 years until she died at age 98 - but I loved her and my job. Much later I took over as a POA for two people I knew for 50 years. Everyone thought I was insane (I was but didn't know it then). I was the POA for l4 years until the husband's mental issues got beyond help and he became a diabolical monster and I resigned as his POA although I still serve as the POA for his wife in the nursing home. It is a huge, and I mean huge, responsibility and you will face situations you never dreamed of. Unless you are strong and have the know how to handle just about any possible situation and are willing to step up and take the time involved, think twice. Not everyone is suited. I myself needed a POA and it took going through several before I found the two perfect friends who are my POA's. However, in turn, I made sure all of my affairs are always l00% perfect and current and they know everything at all times. I don't think this "friend" is quite that open. How about suggesting an attorney or a bank if you don't feel comfortable - go by your gut instinct. There is a reason you are hesitating. Listen to your feelings.
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Simply tell her that you feel the responsibility is more than you can handle. Leave it at that. No more needs to be said.
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You are wise. Here is one of my favorite acronyms about how to deliver news that might make someone feel uncomfortable: BIFF brief, informative, firm, friendly
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
PERFECT
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My younger sister wanted me to be her POA but when I asked her to make a list of her bills and how they are paid and where things are kept she procrastinated with each deadline I gave her and then she told me to stop nagging her! That was it! I told her I couldn’t do it for her and she found someone else.
And by the way even if you agree to be POA at one time, you are allowed to change your mind.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
You are so wise. It is a hard job. I will tell you the truth, I did this for my brother, both POA and Trustee of Trust; he was organized, had a simple estate, and was quite with it at the time and more than helpful. BUT IT IS A JOB. Just dealing with the Spectrum Phone Company about broke me over the course of the year. I won't even talk about all the rest of it. After a solid year it was somewhat organized and then he died suddenly and I did the Executor. Again, easy estate. AFTER ALL THAT I told my domestic partner, who has a very complex Trust for which I am appointed Successor Trustee, that I would not stay listed, and would not do it. And we made other plans. I knew at 78 I am beyond all this; my mind is SO relieved.
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LaDivina1,

You're wise to be cautious!!

Being someone's POA can be very time consuming and difficult!!

If she's truly a friend, she will understand that it's not a responsibility you're able to take on.

Best wishes!!
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No is a complete sentence.
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I would tell her that it is an "honor" to be trusted like this but due to distance you feel that you would be unable to effectively manage her affairs from a distance particularly if it may include in person management.
There really is no other, or any explanation needed. It would be more difficult if you did take on this responsibility then had to tell her in a year or so that she would have to find another POA or inform the lawyer or the court that you are withdrawing as POA.
"We" have so much trouble saying the simple word NO. Or to be more polite, No thank you.
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Offer to help her find a practical POA, and explain the downside to her of you trying to do it.
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I would gently explain to her exactly how you are feeling.

I agree it should be a family member but when that can’t happen I would try to source out a para legal that would do the process. There would be a cost to that but most times that’s ok.
I have seen families torn apart over our final decisions. It can be very difficult for some.
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Just tell her you have too many responsibilities in your own life that you cannot take on being her POA right now. That is strange you have not been invited to her house. Red flag!!! Back away slowly!!
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gdaughter Nov 2020
Not being invited to the house may seem odd, but it's possible the person feels uncomfortable about her housekeeping (or lack of it) or doesn't have the time to keep up and make a good first impression...who knows why....maybe not a good cook?
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