Help! I need some guidance!
Hi-
My mom and aunt are essentially bed bound. They could use a wheelchair for some independence but they don’t. I’m covering the weekends and taking time off from work to cover the days the helper can’t be here. This week it’s Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I live an hour away. Today mom asked if I was in a bad mood. I said, no, but I felt hopeless. I asked where we were going with the current situation. She blew up and said it would be over when she was dead. She’s waiting for the doctor to put her in a nursing home she says.
Look, am I a s——y daughter? Should I not feel resentful? Are what my aunt and mom expecting of me normal? Because of the helper being out, I’m caregiving 2 extra days. They have never once offered to reimburse me for gas. They claim to understand how the situation impacts my life, but I feel like the help. As long as I’m here to cook their meals and give my mom her 5:00 wine. I’m so confused! Should I really be this pissed off?
Your are taking care of 2 people. Is the aide coming back? If not, have mom hire someone else. Or you might just have to be honest and tell Mom it may be time for that nursing home because you can do this much longer. You can't jeopardize your job.
No ur not a s _ _ _ y daughter and yes you have the right to feel resentful. Because in my opinion, a parent should be making their childs life easier when caring for them, not harder. And children need to learn its OK to set Boundries with their parents.
“Should I really be this pissed off?”
yes!
especially if they don’t show appreciation.
i’m guessing they never did what you’re doing, for elderly LOs.
a loving mother + aunt, want you to have your own life.
a mother who doesn’t care about your life, doesn’t care about the impact on your life.
you must care.
and she - must - care too.
she must not make you drown.
hug!!
If your mom and her sister want to remain together it might be good to look into Assisted Living for both of them, there will be help as your aunt declines and needs more help. Hospice can come in and help as well. (You could have Hospice in now and that would help but the CNA is there only a few times a week and the Nurse 1 time, more often if necessary. )
It might also be possible that both of them would be eligible for Hospice.
But with Hospice you would get equipment that will make it safer and easier for the caregiver to help both of them. A sit to Stand or Hoyer Lift. and Hospital bed with mattress that can go a long way in preventing pressure sores.
You are not a sh--y daughter you like so many other caregivers that are trying to hold it together and do what might be the impossible. There are statistics that show that there are a great number of caregivers that die before the person they are caring for. This is for a variety of reasons but it is an eye opener.
And yes you should be pissed off if mom can do many of the things you are doing for her but she won't. You can try to break the cycle and start refusing to do things for her that you know she can do for herself.
These women either need full time PAID caregivers in home 24/7 or they need to both move into Skilled Nursing together and share a room. You can go visit them there once a week to say hello.
Time to set some boundaries. Tell your mom and your aunt that your “work schedule is changing” and you are no longer going to be able to come in and cover those extra days. Ask if they need help finding a substitute caregiver. Perhaps the caregiver you have knows someone who can fill in for them.
Go in once on the weekend, and take those other days for yourself! Self-care is important, too! Then when you do go in, you won’t feel so resentful about it.