My mom died 3 years ago. I have 1 sister but she doesn't have a relationship with our dad. I talk to my dad every week for an hour and a half (usually the same conversations over and over). I am all he has. I have known for several years that he has symptoms of dementia, but I just go along with whatever he says. Today, for the first time, he has turned against me. He said I visited him 2 weeks ago and stole his tax returns. He also said it appeared I was on narcotics. The last time I was really there was in December. I have been planning to visit him next week, to go to the tax preparer and also to help him with his bank account. He claims that he has no money and his social security and retirement pay aren't going into his bank account. I was on the phone with his bank and him 3-4 weeks ago to go over his account and the money is going in, but he doesn't believe it. So today when we talked on the phone, he turned on me for the first time. He said I was there 2 weeks ago and took his tax returns. I kept saying I wasn't there, and he is convinced I was. He got very angry, told me not to come next week and hung up. I don't know what to do next!!! Help!!
P.S.......For some reason placing our loved ones in a facility against their will makes us feel guilty. It did me. But I know now that it was the right thing to do. There was no way I could have handled what was to come on my mom's long 13 year journey. She's gone now for a year but I know she's at peace and probably remembering more than I do! :))
I saw your post this morning. I think this is the day you will be flying .
You are in a tough situation. And this is a Holiday Weekend.
A Wellness Check could be a good thing.
A relative arranged an order with Law Enforcement. Relative called 911. Ambulance arrived. The wife was refusing transport to hospital by anyone.
The couple lived within the city limits but thru the Sheriffs Office an order was issued. The order was called a Health Warrant. The order was executed similar to a Search Warrant. The process happened pretty quickly, within the day.
My first call when arriving in your Dads town would be to Law Enforcement. Not 911 but the non-emergency Number. If that Law Enforcement agency has a behavioral or mental health branch or possibly a branch that handles calls dealing with Veterans specifically that is who I would speak with.
And don’t forget to mention Dementia and that you had been threatened with a knife!
If the above route fails, then yes ask for a Wellness Check. I wouldn’t approach the house or your Dad with the Officers unless he was behaving in a calm manner.
You being in the driveway, at a distance might send him into a tirade, which as upsetting to you as it might be, might be a good thing for the officers to see and document.
If you are able to get your Dad transported, then hopefully you will be able to have his physical and mental health evaluated when he is in the hospital. Then if the stars are aligned and the Hospital discharge planner or Social Worker can help you put together a plan for your Dad.
Best of Luck to you today. Stay Safe.
Getting a 72 hour psych hold ( if you don't have POA) is a court procedure. You need to figure out which court has jurisdiction and make a formal petition.
I chose to share this with you just so you can be prepared, and because there are two comments on here that I found interesting and wonder if they could help.
--@BarbBrooklyn -
1 - You said something about asking the local police for a "wellness check"? Do you know of any cases where the police actually helped with this? I called them when my Dad was driving his car in a blizzard and was a danger to others. They told me that they couldn't do anything to help!!
2 - You also mentioned that "they may take to him to a psychiatric facility for an involuntary evaluation". This would be the perfect thing to do, but even though my Dad was crazy, violent, threatening us, and mentioning that he'd be better off dead, NONE of that was enough to have him taken anywhere involuntarily. It was a nightmare, and I ended up having to come home and take care of him. I wish more than anything that I had not made that decision. It was the most miserable time of my life.
@BARBAR92 - I am not trying to be a DebbieDowner; I'm just sharing my experiences (and those of my friend) and how frustrating it was that it seemed no one was able to help us and that our fathers had too many rights (even though both of them were clearly crazy and needed help.)
I hope and pray that you have a different ending to your story.
As far as the accusations he is making, I just wanted to mention that with Dementia Patients many times, if they watch a lot of TV, can confuse real life with the shows.. IF he watched one of those crime shows and the child was stealing from a parent, in his mind that is what is happening to him..
Good luck, keep us updated
but also, as far as vitamins, Vitamin D deficiency is quite common
If you don't want to be the one to be in charge of your father for any reason, the state can assume guardianship and be "the one" who puts him in a nursing home or memory unit. The state will appoint a professional who will coordinate his care and Medicaid (and all his money will be spent on care and then some government aid kicks in). You won't have a say so on where he lives, but you can request a certain part of the state if that would be more convenient. The best part is that when he is angry with you, you can leave and know he will still be taken care of. ((Hugs))
I wrote a letter to my mother’s doctor and listed 23 items of things that my mother had done and that she is having issues with her memory and it needs to be addressed and that I a diagnosis of what she really has. I went with my mother to her doctor’s appointment and her doctor told me she received the letter before speaking with my mother. She asked my mother how’s your memory was these days and my mother said fine. I told mom you know your sister had a few memory issues and her doctor jumped on that saying you know you are getting older and we want to make sure everything is okay or if we need to address something, so I am going to send to a specialist and I told my mom I think that is a good idea and she said yes. Her doctor had the neurologist contact us and we set up appointment and they did testing plus a MRI and we got the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. It was very upsetting for my dad, but unfortunately or fortunately my mother didn't seem to care. About 7 months later my dad passed away and even then, my mom didn’t seem to really understand or care that her husband of 65 years was gone for good. She cried the first night and after that my brother nor I have seen any sadness. Luckily, for us we already had a Power of Attorney, and Do Not Resuscitate orders from doctor's just in case. These were our parents wishes. My brother and I had discussion with our parents about a year earlier regarding end of life. I know it is a hard discussion but everyone should do it. At this time my dad was 87 yrs of age and my mother was 85. My mother has always been a very frail person and doctor said any resuscitate would do more harm and break ribs and could puncture an organ and she probably wouldn't survive it.
Since you do not live close my brother and I would advise for you to research and visit Memory Care centers and seriously consider putting your dad in one. If he is still able to make decisions have a Power of Attorney drawn up ASAP. Once they reach a certain stage an attorney will not draw this up, you would have to seek a Guardianship which is costly and time consuming. Take POA to his bank so they can make a copy and know you will be writing checks under a POA, but do not add your name to account, this may affect Medicaid in the future. Also, send a letter and copy to utilities or any investments her may have, etc. He will shortly reach a point that he will be unable to pay bills or pay correctly. Also take away checkbook he may write a check that is not needed, or someone con him out of money. My brother always secretly put $20 in her wallet (usually when she was in the shower, so she didn't think he was up to no good) in case someone took her to lunch or shopping. $20 is not a lot of money to lose. She would put the money somewhere and then couldn't find it most of the time. Also, hide his meds and make them up in a sorter and make sure someone is there watching him when he takes his meds to make sure he takes them and takes them correctly. You have to learn to get creative on how to handle issues and to respond. Sometimes “little white lies” is not out of the question, especially when it is for their own good or just to keep them happy and not upset.
Here is my mother story: My mother’s Alzheimer's and now in the later stages. I live 650 miles away and my brother lives in the same city and almost all my mother's care fell onto his shoulders. When my mother got to the stage of accusing, not making sense at times, and not really taking care of herself, leaving appliances on in the house, my brother and I decided it was time to put my mother in a memory care center. Oh, we did make arrangements to have someone come in 3 times a week 24 hours a day to stay with her and help her out, but that just wasn't enough. We also worried that she would go for walk and not find her way back home. This happened once when my brother was there, and he fell asleep and my mother decided to go for a walk. It wasn't until a neighbor (they knew she had Alzheimer’s) called and said that they saw my mother by herself 2 blocks over and was acting like she was lost. I asked for a letter from her neurologist which stated she could not drive or live alone. I sent a copy of the letter to State of Michigan drive vehicle department and also local police department to have my mother drive license revoked and if some reason she got lost and the police was called they would know my mother’s issues and phone numbers to call. We also hide her car keys and my brother took her vehicle to his house and when my mom asked about her vehicle my brother told her that she let my nephew borrowed it while his car was in the shop being repaired and to this day if she mentions her car we tell her same story and she will say "oh yes, I remember that" and usually will asked do you know when he will bring it back and we always tell her that they had to order a part and it hasn't come in and she accepts that. Of course, since her Alzheimer's is now more advanced she doesn't talk anymore. She will smile if spoken to, but that is about it.
It was not feasible for me to quit my job move up there by myself and leave my family to take care of her and my brother still worked full time, so neither of us could be with her full time. Neither of us were of retirement age and had to work to support our families. We researched and visited many memory care centers and found one we both were pleased with and that was clean, did not smell and it did not look like a hospital format and it was in the same city where my mother and brother currently lived. The memory care center she is in is separated into units of 7 patients in same each unit, so they see, talk and eat with those same 7 people. My mother has her own room and they have a living area between 7 patients, but if they want they can go visit the other units and if they need assistance there are attendants that can guide them. They also have a sitting room with a huge fish aquarium and huge TV and you will find several patients sitting there watching one or the other. If they want to eat in their own rooms the attendants will bring their food into their rooms. My brother or myself can eat or even stay the night if we want too, which is nice. If there is something my mother doesn't like food wise we let them know ahead of time and what to substitute and they will do that. They see to it that my mother's hair is washed twice a week and cut when needed. They have a podiatrist come in and cut finger and toe nails and address any foot issues once a month. If my brother wants to take my mother somewhere he lets the attendants know when and where he is taking her, and they will have my mother up and dressed ready for my brother to pick her up. They also pack a small bag with a change of clothes and extra depends in case they are needed. My mother will stay in the same room until the day she passes away, so there is no moving around to unfamiliar areas, upsetting her in anyway. Of course, the facility that my mother is in is self-pay for the first 2 years and after that if her money is gone then they will accept Medicaid for the reminder of her care and stay. We have been there when the attendants didn't know we were there and we heard and seen how kind they were to other patients. There is no way that my brother or I would have been able to take care of all of my mother needs as this disease progressed. We have been there when it's been bath day and the attendants kid around or talk to the patients while walking to the showers that is calming, comfortable and the same coming back to the room. The patients seem content and happy.
My brother has periodic meetings with the administrator and attendants regarding my mother needs and care; to see if changes are needed in her care. We have added hospice to come in twice a week and that has seemed to help. At the stage my mother is at my brother and I have taken my mother off all her meds, there is no need to continue statins and Alzheimer's meds are not going to do her any good at this stage. My mother has been there almost 2 years, and this was the best thing my brother and I did for her. Please consider the same for your father. You will know he is well taken care of and not have to worry.
She had told me, "You'll NEVER put me in one of those places!" I thought about HOW I could get her out of her apartment. I checked out some different ideas. The police told me they could do "an extraction". They escort them out. HOWEVER, I had 2 different doctors statements declaring her incompetent. She had put me on her bank accounts a couple of months prior.
I came to this site and learned about "therapeutic fibs". I lied to her and told her we were going to a doctor appointment (she loved going to the doctor!).
It worked like a charm.
There was definitely an adjustment period in the MC for about 2 months but all is well.
I don't know if you could do a 'police extraction' since you have no incompetency ruling or diagnosis of dementia by a neurologist or family doctor. Contact the last doctor he went to for help.
This is a tough situation. I'm glad to hear that you won't be going alone to his home. Try to get one person from APS AND a policeman to go with you. You can document his response on your phone to show his doctor.
Hopefully some intervention will get him to the hospital for a checkup. If he's found to have dementia while there, the hospital social worker should give you resources of Memory Care homes in the area and help you apply for Medicaid for him.
This is so hard. 😢
I'll be praying that he transitions smoothly and there will be an opening in an appropriate facility.
Expect to be gone from your home longer than you planned. There is so much running around to do. Rent a car or try to use his.
God bless your family.
This week, before you go there, make phone calls and arrange to have police or someone in authority to go with you.
Try calling the facility you've been working with near you to see if they have suggestions or information about VA help in Dad's area. Perhaps they have a social worker or assistance officer. I think most counties have a Veteran's Assistance Officer that might be able to help you or direct you to help.
If you run into a dead end looking for assistance there, don't give up. Call agencies in your dad's area until you get someone to help or direct you:
His doctor, or
The agency that cared for your mom, or
The local Area on Aging,
The County Welfare Dept.,
The County Health Dept.,
The local police or Sheriff,
AND God.
Don't go it alone.
I'm not kidding about calling on God, either. Once I spent hours on the phone seeking help without success. When I finally gave up on all my resources and prayed for divine help, things came together for good.
Many of us on this site will be praying for you, please let us know how it goes.
I had a similar situation with my dad, 450 miles away, thought he seemed to be having cognitive decline, however, my dad was married to someone 30 years his junior, so I wrongly assumed that he was getting medical attention and care, even if he did not tell me.
My husband and I were called by him for help, scared the beejeebers outta me, my dad never asked for help, long story. Anyway, when I took him to the ER, I did not ask him, I told him, something is wrong and you need to see a doctor. In his mind he knew, so no battle there. I too was told that he needed to be put in memory care, I believed them but, held off on making that decision, locked down behind locked doors, in wheel chair or bed 24/7. After my dad received the proper medication and nutrition he in fact did not need memory care, it would have killed him to be put in that kind of facility. So before you make that decision make sure he gets treatment. Very well may need memory care but right now needs to have care, period. Be his advocate and don't let the doctors and nurses blow smoke up your skirt, make them communicate and explain things, I found that a benefit for my decision making, I knew what I was dealing with. My dad was in hospital and skilled nursing for 2 months total between the two, actually 3 places, one skilled nursing facility was a joke so I moved him to a better facility. He was able to move to AL and his caregivers argue with me that he does not have dementia. Okay, whatever, he still needs help with activities of daily living and med management. He is doing great and he is 1000x better.
So long story to say please, let him be treated and then decide what level of care is needed. A sick body can reek havoc on the brain and sometimes it is not a forever ailment. He will never be able to live alone again but putting him where he doesn't need to be will destroy what ever is left of your dad.
May God give you strength and wisdom on this journey. Take care of you during this difficult time and know that it is not forever, even though it will feel that way some days. (Move him nearer to you as the 1st move it will be the hardest move for him)
Hugs and love to you 🤗