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My fell 9 days ago in the bathroom and broke her neck. She's 87 years old. She was living with me at the time. She's been in the hospital since but hasn't eaten in over 8 days now and they can't get her meds into her. They stopped her IV meds and want her to take meds by mouth. She is refusing and is completely confused, scared and just plain not there anymore. I guess they call it hospital psychosis. Today, the docs want to talk to me about alternative solutions for her meaning feeding tube I guess. She is a DNR and I am absolutely sure about her wishes. She would never want to live this way at all and has stated many times before this that she was ready to meet God. She is not paralyzed from the fall. Has a neck brace on as surgery was out of the question. They have her hand tied in mittens cause she was pulling off the neck brace. She's become a very difficult woman now and is actually not very nice. I adore my mom so please know this before I ask this next question. I'm an only child so I have no other people to really ask. Should I allow the feeding tube so she doesn't starve to death and gets her meds or should I do what she has asked me to do and allow her to eventually "go to God"? Even writing that sounds like I'm a horrible person. I'm really lost here so any help would be appreciated.

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You don't sound like a horrible person. You sound like a person who is in agony over a decision you're going to have to make. Don't feel alone.

I take it from your question that your mother doesn't have a living will. It sounds like you've discussed matters like this with your mother, though, and that she's made her wishes clear. If you know your mom's wishes are NOT to have a feeding tube, then no, don't let them place one. She may surprise you and begin to eat again, and she may not. Whichever, if she's made her wishes known, honor them.

My question would be why the hospital stopped her IV if she's not taking anything by mouth. Just because they WANT her to take her meds by mouth and she can't doesn't take away the fact that she still NEEDS her meds, as well as they hydration an IV can provide.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Making choices like this is not easy, but remember: sometimes we have to do what is right, not what is easy.
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My heart goes out to you. You are in the spot we all dread. But at least you know your mother's wishes. It is not like you've been out of the country and barely know the woman -- you have intimate knowledge of her attitude. I agree with BelleFleur: honor your mother's wishes.

It sounds likely that in order to keep a feeding tube in place she would have to be restrained even further, either with drugs or physical restraints.

You are not a horrible person at all. Far from it. You love your mother enough to consider what is best for her, not what is easy for you.
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You are a kind and loving person trying to do what your mother would want. My heart breaks for what you are going through especially being an only child. Go with your instincts - and what you and only you know to be the best decision for your mother. Breaking ones neck at the age of 87 is such a traumatic experience - can't imagine. Bless you and I will keep you in my prayers
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I have been in your shoes. My beloved mother in law was put on life support & a feeding tube after she had a heart attack on the operating table. Marie was a active & vibrant 85 year old. Fortunately she & I had talked about end of life issues. She did not want to live like this. My husband & I made the most difficult decision of our lives, we took her off life support. It was heartbreaking, but we did the right thing. It was an act of love for us. You are a loving & compassionate daughter & just want the best for your mom. Good luck to you.
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Pray very hard...and listen for God's answer. He created this life and will guide you when he needs to take His loved home again. God bless
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My dad's hospice nurse asked me if my dad were his old self and was looking down on the situation, would he want to live like this? My response was no and so we stopped his heart medications and he passed 5 days later. You know your mom's wishes and even if she is confused she may have made her choice by refusing to eat or take her medications. I know it's so very hard but whatever your decision, go back to what her wishes are and you will make the right choice. My prayers are with you ~ Kuli
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I cannot say enough about the kind words you have all given me. Mom does have a living will but what I didn't understand was that even if they put in a feeding tube, I can ask to have it removed. I thought that was it once you put it in. Kuli I think that that is exactly what she's doing. She's making her choice. Last night in a very brief moment of clarity for her, she asked me to let her go. Then she was back to not knowing anything. I don't wish this situation on anyone and I sincerely thank everyone who answers this question. I'm taking a xanax and laying down for myself. BTW, did I mention that my husband was put in the hospital last night for pancreatitis? When it rains it pours and I feel very alone right now. I have a great daughter but she's pregnant and I don't want to put any more on her right now but she has offered. I really don't feel like talking to anyone at the moment. I just want to be alone.
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I remember well when my MIL had to make a decision about a feeding tube for her husband ten years ago. THEY HAD NEVER DISCUSSED THESE ISSUES. He was 80 and unable to swallow anymore. She did it and later regretted the decision. AFTER I got back home (I was with her then) I researched feeding tubes online and basically found that they may extend life a few weeks or months but do absolutely NOTHING for the quality of life.

If you know your mother's wishes - then follow them. If you know she would not want to live this way - why force her to? If you have discussed this issue with her and know her wishes - SHE HAS MADE THE DECISION ALREADY - you are only respecting it.

The doctors should be able to tell you her prognosis. If she has a good chance for recovery - at least continue the IV meds and fluids. IF her prognosis is poor - well, there will be an unhappy outcome and tears. We can live 30 days without food, 3 days without water, and 3 minutes without air. (an old saying of my mom's)

We cannot make your decision - but I would think twice before inserting a feeding tube into an 87 year old person who is ready to meet God. Ask the doctor what will be the quality of her life if you do everything medically possible? It may NOT be the quality of life she would want to live. Sometimes we are only prolonging suffering.

When I researched feeding tubes after my father in law was operated on - I found that often they do this procedure for monetary reasons - not humanitarian ones.

These are sad days for you and I am so sorry you have no one to help you bear this burden. Whatever decision you make, may it be the right one for you and for your mom. It will be difficult - not matter what.
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Another problem with feeding tubes: Once they are inserted - the doctor -legally - is NOT allowed to remove it. My father in law only lived a few days with the tube. And they were not good days.
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I was told by my doctor and by the hospital docs that if there is no improvement wityhin4 weeks, it will be removed at my request. In the meantime, I am going to try and coax her to eat again. This is so hard. I just want her to have peace. (If I don't do the feeding tube, she can't be sent to rehab. If not sent to rehab, she will be sent home or I would have to self pay for the nursing home. I can't do either at this moment.
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I hope you have a happy ending Bhenson. Take care and keep in touch. :0)
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I was in a similar situation, except that it involved my father. My father finally begged me to make certain his DNR was obeyed despite the fight my siblings put up against it. Dad died with me holding his hand. His wife of 63 years, my mother, just did not believe he would die. My father felt like a prisoner to the tubes, and I miss him very much but I know he is no longer in pain. He also has his dignity back. The feeding tube was not pleasant but was not a serious problem. He was not hungry,but did not have to struggle to eat. I will pray for peace for both of you. Rebecca
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My only question is would she recover some if she was fed, or would she continue to live in a terrible condition.

I recently made a couple of decisions on my father's behalf. He was 91, his organs were failing, he had no will to live, and had a living will. The hospital staff did work and found his carotid arteries were mostly blocked. They asked if we wanted surgery to clear them. I said no. On the day he died, they asked me in the morning if we wanted them to do CPR if his heart arrested. I said no. I was able to say no without hesitation and with no guilt, because I was speaking for my father. If you know that your mother is not going to recover, your "no" will be speaking for her. God bless you.
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You know her wishes, respect them and let her go be with God. My mom also lives with me and has a dnr and a living will, I will respect his wishes when that time comes for me, will keep you in my prayers, many hugs
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would rehab really improve her condition. does she want to go to rehab?
my mom and dad went through these same things. the only reason they went through rehab was because they wanted to please me. my mother passed away 1 yrs ago and my dad is slipping away day by day. i just want my dad to be comfortable, safe and cared for, for as long as he can.
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When my sister's cancer was taking over, they said to remove the feeding tube was the most humane act, as it gives more pain than not, and she said that she would rather be free of pain than living a few more days. Refusing to eat is the dying person's request for release.
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The Quality of our life makes life worth living or can make life a living hell.

I think of my own father, who spent his last two years laying in a bed in a nursing facility - slowly dying from a brain tumor. He could still eat, but had an IV for fluids and he lingered and lingered. The final year he was unable to talk. I know in my heart that he would have preferred death, but death didn't come easily for daddy.

He was always so active. A cowboy in his younger days. He was an avid gardener and outdoor person - had hobbies (he was a Rock Hound and made lovely jewelry) and loved to play with his grandkids. We didn't use any heroic efforts to prolong his life - he just lived - far longer than he wanted to. We would never have done anything to hasten his passing, but certainly did nothing to help him linger either. There is nothing easy about watching someone we love so much die. It is so very hard to say goodbye.

I lived in another city. I remember the last night I spent with my dad. I talked to him and held his hand and his eyes told me he loved me. I sat on the floor next to his bed for a very long time while he slept. Before I left - I told him good bye and told him he didn't have to hang on for me - to rest if he needed to. Then I went home. I got the call early the next morning that he was gone.

I have never stopped missing him. It has been forty years and it's like it all happened yesterday. I still have flowers from his yard and a night blooming Cerius cactus he gave me when I got married 44 years ago. Wish he were here to see them.
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Feeding tubes are a wretched experience, my best friend ( in her 60's and capable) has had constant problem; much maintenance required, regularly replacing them, leaks, clogs...trips to ER to clear out. Don't go that route... Hospice Nurse is right...Mom knows best. You are a terrific daughter, wife, mother.
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At 87 it sounds like she has lived a long life. This is obviously a very hard decision for you. But, that just shows that you care very much for your mother. That is the way is should be. Look to your heart, her wishes and the medical staff's opinions. Then decide what the best choice for her. Whatever you decide may not be the best choice for you. My guess is that you really want her to stay in this life with you. But, it is her quality of life and her wishes that you must consider, not yours. I am sure you will do the right thing. Take care and God bless both of you.
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Yes, I faced the same thing about ten years ago. My mother had a stroke. After her treatment in the hospital, she was placed in a nursing home, to hopefully get some strength back, so that she could come home. While in the nursing home, she developed Sepsis, from diabetes, and had to have her leg removed. That was the hardest decision that I've ever had to make. They assured me that if they took it off, that she would live. They called, and called, until I gave in. I spoke with my mom about it, and, she said that I should not have to make such a decision. But, due to their insistence, I finally gave in. She never got better. She died a couple months later.

At first, I was so guilt filled, and angry. I hated the doctor, because, he said that she would live, if they removed her leg. I had to finally come to the realization that she would have died either way. And, that I did what I thought was best at the time. It is the saddest think in life, when we have to make those kinds of decisions. I thought back to the kind of woman my mom was. She would not want to live sick, being the kind of person that she was.

Above all, know that you are not selfish or anything other, than trying to make the best decision that you can make. And, that is all that you can do. I wish you peace.
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do you have Hospice centers in your area ?they will take her wether shes on a feeding tube or not. It doesnt cost you anything. Ask the hospital case worker to help you get the info and refferals you need, Most cities have long term facilities. 4 weeks is a long time to deal with this kind of pressing question
hugs to you.....
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These are good questions to ask. In my mind it boils down to dignity and quality of life. My husband chose to turn off his mother's life support. It was an easy decision. We use extreme measures when it is contraindicated, for our own emotional needs, not our loved one's. His mother recovered, but it was a good decision.
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Last year, my mom had a massive stroke, and I was faced with the same questions you are facing. She had a living will and DNR. I decided she would not have wanted a feeding tube or to live like she was having to (she was 86) live. The doctor put her on hospice. They paid for everything except the aides I hired to help me. She was happy I brought her home and I was happy to have her here with me when she passed away. I am a only child, so I know what you are going through.....it can be overwhelming. Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to.
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A common side effect of a feeding tube is severe diarrhea
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As a doctor told me when facing less difficult circumstances as you...

"There is a difference between being alive and living."

You know what should be done...what your mother would want. You're feeling guilty coming to that conclusion or saying it. You are not a horrible person for thinking this way. Your conscience is speaking to you.

I wish you, and your mother, peace.
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Dear Behnson,
I was in your shoes one and one half years ago. I still am in your shoes, since I did agree to put a gastric feeding tube in mom when she suddenly stopped eating, taking meds one and one half years ago due to dementia. She was 84, now this April she will be 86. I have full time care for her in her own home, with caring home
attendants that I hand picked. Mom never told me what she wanted to do if she were in that situation. I couldn't live with not feeding a disabled person, and especially when she made me her health care proxy, it was my responsibility to do what is best for Mom. That is the million dollar question. Well, initially I regretted the decision, she wasn't happy, but then after a few months, she adapted to everything, all the while being in her own home, her own bed, and I visited and orchestrated all the details . I have had opportunities to talk to mom, she has kissed me and is so happy to still see me and my children, Her ability to speak has diminished, but we get her out of bed each day, she gets wheeled into her living room and looks out the window. She has gone to church, has gone to her first grandchilds wedding, she knows that she is still loved. She is TOTALLY dependent on her caregiver for food, mediicine and water. Was this worth it? I don't know. The feeding tube will wear down, In order to change it, the doc would have to pull it out which I am sure will hurt mom, only to replace it with a another. I will not do that, but I know that I will feel guilty then too, as I felt guilty about making the choice of her living or dying. You see, Dementia has been taking her, and is she can't eat or drink, then
maybe we need to accept that it is her time and we don't have the responsibility of saving her life, if her life is only supported artificially. So, I don't have an answer for you, but if your mom has already expressed her wishes to you, then I would respect her wishes. I didn't know my mom's wishes. Take her lead. Show her love, and let her take control of her life and death. I have had moments with my mom that I would never have had by artificially feeding her. But, I 've just allowed her to be in a compromising life situation, in the best possible living environments, her home. Who was the feeding tube really for? To alleviate my guilt and responsibility to save her? Was her medical condition going to get better? No. So, try and come to terms with the idea that mom is going to die. Take a look at how that feels for you. The feeding tube could extend your mom's life for a few years. What kind of years will they be and would she want to live in a compromised situation, totally relying on someone else for survival.
I send you blessings and courage. Any day and any phone call I will be facing again this situation, but I think, I am more inclined to let her go now. May God Bless.
Helen
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Dear Behnson,
I was in your shoes one and one half years ago. I still am in your shoes, since I did agree to put a gastric feeding tube in mom when she suddenly stopped eating, taking meds one and one half years ago due to dementia. She was 84, now this April she will be 86. I have full time care for her in her own home, with caring home
attendants that I hand picked. Mom never told me what she wanted to do if she were in that situation. I couldn't live with not feeding a disabled person, and especially when she made me her health care proxy, it was my responsibility to do what is best for Mom. That is the million dollar question. Well, initially I regretted the decision, she wasn't happy, but then after a few months, she adapted to everything, all the while being in her own home, her own bed, and I visited and orchestrated all the details . I have had opportunities to talk to mom, she has kissed me and is so happy to still see me and my children, Her ability to speak has diminished, but we get her out of bed each day, she gets wheeled into her living room and looks out the window. She has gone to church, has gone to her first grandchilds wedding, she knows that she is still loved. She is TOTALLY dependent on her caregiver for food, mediicine and water. Was this worth it? I don't know. The feeding tube will wear down, In order to change it, the doc would have to pull it out which I am sure will hurt mom, only to replace it with a another. I will not do that, but I know that I will feel guilty then too, as I felt guilty about making the choice of her living or dying. You see, Dementia has been taking her, and is she can't eat or drink, then
maybe we need to accept that it is her time and we don't have the responsibility of saving her life, if her life is only supported artificially. So, I don't have an answer for you, but if your mom has already expressed her wishes to you, then I would respect her wishes. I didn't know my mom's wishes. Take her lead. Show her love, and let her take control of her life and death. I have had moments with my mom that I would never have had by artificially feeding her. But, I 've just allowed her to be in a compromising life situation, in the best possible living environments, her home. Who was the feeding tube really for? To alleviate my guilt and responsibility to save her? Was her medical condition going to get better? No. So, try and come to terms with the idea that mom is going to die. Take a look at how that feels for you. The feeding tube could extend your mom's life for a few years. What kind of years will they be and would she want to live in a compromised situation, totally relying on someone else for survival.
I send you blessings and courage. Any day and any phone call I will be facing again this situation, but I think, I am more inclined to let her go now. May God Bless.
Helen
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Hi, It's Helen again. If you decide to not articially feed mom, You can certainly get Hospice involved right away. Talk to hospital social worker and doctor. If you are up to it, you can have mom brought home, asap and get the mitts off her hands, let her smell some chicken soup you can be cooking in the kitchen, they'll arrange for a hospital bed and home health aids, and her mood should improve and those last moments may be the ones you may cherish the most. Get her back into her familiar surroundings if you can handle it. That's what I would do.
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Search for a Living Will. If none exists, then talk with all the physicians surrounding your mother. If one does exist, then read it carefully as to the paragraph on Food and Water. Keep tabs daily on her vitals and her gneneral condidion. A DNR does not preclude a feeding tube........DNR simply means "Do Not Resucitate".
I would insert the feeding tube, and add a heated I V. Make sure she is comfortable at all times. She will pass anyway and probably soon. If you do all these things, you will have no regrets. God Bless you and good luck!
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What a decision to have to live with; If it were me ; I would talk to my mom and try to look deep into her eye's for the answer. Hopefully, I would be able to see and feel what it is that she wanted. God Bless you, I'm sure whatever you do, will be the best for your mom. It's clear that you love your mom very much, and I know this is probably the hardest desicion you will ever make in your life. Your mother believed in you to care for her. Take a deep breath, swallow and .... believe in yourself. Don't allow anyone, including the doctors to make this decision. You can do this.
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