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My mother is dealing poorly with the lockdown. In the midst of this “new norm” my mom moved into a beautiful assisted living memory unit due to her not dealing with the isolation at her retirement apartment. Food was delivered to her door..visitors discouraged. Even hall walks not permitted. Her Lewy Body Dementia escalated quickly during these weeks of lockdown. Now at the new facility for 5 weeks..She can not remember we called or did “door visits”. She now believes we have “died”. She was so surprised when I video called ..”I thought you were dead”. We had talked 2 days prior. I have mailed cards, brought gifts, did video calls, participated in a car parade and made regular calls. They have activities. She wants to die. She can not understand about the virus. She may not die from the virus Itsself but I will not be surprised if she dies from the lack of family contact. My friends 86 yr old mom died this week in a nursing home..Despite all the calls etc her mom refused to eat, begged for visits, and finally succumbed...death by deprivation appears to be another way they are dying from the virus..There must be another way to handle this!
My mother celebrated her 88th birthday today in a locked down Memory Care Unit. We were able to Skype with her which was reassuring for us that she appeared healthy. I had dropped off a cake but the staff had already gotten a cake and balloons which was so kind. Although it is particularly difficult to not spend time with her after visiting daily, I think her risk of contracting COVID19 is lower in this environment (as long as staff maintains good screening and hygiene practices) than out in the community. Good luck with your loved one!
I think my mom's 91st birthday will come during this lock down. I usually bring her to my house for special occasions, but I'm sure they will have a party for her at the facility. It's just that she doesn't really understand what they are doing if I don't explain it to her. They invite everyone and my mom only does well in very small groups. I'll try to see if the care givers will follow my advice to have her party small. In fact, in my mom's world it might not matter what day we celebrate her birthday. She won't know what day it is.
I am in Australia, we are about a fortnight behind the rest of the world. Last week I visited my mother in anticipation of a partial lockdown. I live a 4 hour drive away. I explained there was a flu virus around, that although no one in the facility was sick they were going to stop all visitors to stop the bug getting in. Although we would not see her for some weeks we would ring the staff everyday to make sure she was ok and they would tell her we are ok. I downplayed the seriousness of the pandemic and what is happening in the world yet hopefully managed to get through to my mother that she was not being abandoned. She had been a nurse in her younger days so I tried to use that to advantage, saying she would have enjoyed the challenge of barrier nursing. She was more concerned that she could not recall being a nurse. My mother is in a memory care unit with advanced progressive dementia. The owners have several of these aged care facilities and elected to go to full protective lockdown by the time I had returned home. The government has only ordered partial lockdowns at this stage so the facility were being really pro active. This could go on for months during which time other health issues might have her heading for the exit door yet again...happened 3 times in last year but she rallies. I am so pleased I tried to explain the situation because it might be the last time she saw a familiar face. I did not think I had penetrated her muddled mind, but when I left an hour later my mother said she would try to not get sick and instructed us all to do the same. Note.. she had not really been acknowledging us as family recently, just as a familiar face. I do not care about that, we just do not want her to feel abandoned. I guess my advice is to alert your elders and loved ones without alarming them. I hope my experience helps those to find a pathway at this diabolical time in world history. PS We are planning to send little parcels and cards to distract her. The staff will help her open her mail and ensure everything is sanitised. It is just as much in their interests to keep residents in a steady emotional state especially where dementia behaviour is concerned.
I tell my MIL about the virus, restaurants are closed, and limiting grocery trips...she gets it...Then the next day she asks why restaurants are closed and wants to send us to the grocery for every little whim. We are over 60 and my husband has a medical condition so I really want to limit these trips out as much as possible. I don't want to get sick or worse because someone wants a box of fig newtons!
I’m told Dads facility will help resident’s families video chat or FaceTime so residents can have some sort of contact during this trying time. See if that’s possible, it might help a little? Good luck!
My dads 90, in MC and has a vague understanding of what’s happening. I told him it’s a nasty disease that targets people 60 and older (I’m 60). I said govnt is protecting us. I said he and his bldg. B tenants are the kings and queens being protected; they always have been. The difference now is they’re still being locked in and we’re being locked out for a short time. It’s all about protecting the precious. He got it. Thinks it’s not necessary, but knows he’s safe! Corny, but it worked😊
I doubt there are many Alzheimer patients who even know about a virus going on. It's not going to register in their heads. No one is allowed into my husband's memory center and he doesn't have the ability to talk on the phone. Have not seen him in two weeks. I worry that he has no clue where I am (I already know he doesn't know where HE is), why I don't come, what's happening. It's very worrisome. I may not see him for weeks and weeks. I have an idea by the time I see him again he will have permanently forgotten me after 52 years of marriage. Going to the facility and standing outside and having them bring him to the window is NOT an option for him. He's on his feet, he's a flight risk and will try to come through the window to get to me! So I just sit here and try to stay occupied. My blood pressure is soaring.
Sister, I am so sorry you are going through this! My heart goes to you. I’m in similar situation with my mother. People tell me to sit outside her window. No! That would make things worse for her. I believe your husband will recognize you when this is over.
My 91 yr old mother collapsed and was taken to ER 2 days ago. She had her second UTI and dehydration from a gastrointestinal illness. After discharge we decided she could not get enough care in her facility which was limiting visitors so brought her home. Not ideal as my house has stairs and not set up for someone mobility impaired. I let her watch the news and tell her she needs to stay here to be safe from infection (from Covid19).
Your loved ones with cognitive issues may not understand the reasons for lock down - ever. The simplest answer is to tell them you are sick and can't visit... which in a twisted kind of way is the reason all our at risk populations should be in isolation now.
A little black humour to give a little laugh I suppose, but my mother ...advanced progressive dementia.....often has the staff ring me to calm her down. She insists they are all being locked down for some reason and staff will not tell them what is happening. If they ring during the very real protective lockdown it will be an interesting conversation! I am in Australia, the arrival of full on pandemic is still about 2 weeks away at the current trajectory. Most facilities are only in partial lockdown but where my mother is resident the owners jumped the gun last Tuesday and put the place into protective lockdown a week ago. I accept that my visit last week may be the last time I see her, or even just the last time she saw a familiar face. It is my fear that she will feel abandoned, something she has dreaded all her life, the legacy of a dysfunctional family where her father left his wife and 6 children to fend for themselves in the aftermath of the Depression. We are all in this crisis together. We are all moving mountains as we care for our elders. We are alreadt strong so we WILL prevail.
Not very well I put mom in ambulance 3 days ago she has UTI not virus been tested. No visitors since she hot out of isolation. Nurses are telling me she is confused not being able to eat. Frustration that I can't go there, we eat dinner every night together I leave her with aides to go to work come home and we hang out, dinner, tv, help her get ready for bed. Now I want to go there and can't.
I suggest you don't. They won't understand anyway. Whatever you say today you will have to repeat anyway. It causes unnecessary stress and confusion. Give them music - earphones and a small ipod that you can load with familiar tunes.
I have not seen my sister for 2 weeks due to corona lockdown at the facility. We were lucky enough to finally get a spot at a new facility-they are also in lock down. I was told I could come pick her up and then drop off at new facility-Neither places are not saying they have cases or not. Residents are in private rooms-staff are being checked daily upon entry to building-presumably all residents monitored too-since most have probably been exposed from visitors etc. before the lock down started. I did tell sis the "flu" is going around and that we don't want to make her sick. I will visit when I can. She won't remember what I said-she did not ask anything more. Sis is crying a lot and very confused from the change-horrible timing for change/lockdown but had to grab the spot after digging for new facility for 5 months. Trying to arrange phone dates with her-staff will need to dial my number and get her on the phone-she can not do this by herself now.
Side bar on new facility hunt: I requested nursing notes from previous place as we had been turned down at 2 places during Jan-Feb-I suspected something in the facility info was causing a road block for us getting out of there. Discovered nursing had included partial-one sided-notes of a phone conversation about a medication change-only including what nurse says I said to her. Some was true some was not-nurse said I yelled at her and told her the facility is a dump. I never yelled at anyone there ever and would have never told them out loud the place really is a dump and the staff are negligent nearly every day. -I did not want to create a situation where they would do even less than nothing for my sister. This nurse had an attitude with the dr. office about med change also. Nurse was bad news when I was not compliant with their demands to change meds-and created a reason for potential places to refuse us when she portrayed me as "the problem in this equation". Also discovered past community did not provide correct/current medication list to the new place so now we are trying to sort that out now on top of everything else. I did send an email to past facility admin about the phone call the same day-yes I did cut off the woman because I did not want to get irritated and angry with her about the way she was talking to me-I said I have to go now-click.
I take care of my 94 year old Mom who has Alzheimer's/dementia and I have not told her about this virus. I also would not take her to any store that has people in it for fear of her (and myself) contacting this virus from someone else.
Where I live we have plenty of nature (waterfalls, mountains, etc.) so there are pretty places to drive and just look at the scenery.
I think just going for a drive (when your car if fixed) without going inside a store would be helpful to your Mom. If she wants to go inside a store you can say "Mom, now is not a good time to go inside because there are too many people so let's enjoy the drive okay?" or something like that.
My 82 y.o. Alz. mother hasn't gone out for days and she's getting bored being indoor. I do feel bad for her, but between the cold, the rain, and now the virus, there's no place to take her. Costcos are packed, so are supermarkets, other places are closed. She asks to go out. So I have to make up excuses to tell her. Her understanding of things is that of a kid so we have to give her straight forward simple reasons.
Roads are being fixed, so can't drive today. Car is in the shop. It's raining right now. Maybe later. I'm sick today.
We recycle the excuses as she doesn't remember hearing them before. So each time is the first time for her.
Any local sights you could drive her to? Pretty or dramatic scenery? At least it would an outing for an hour or so, and you wouldn't have to get *out* of the car.
I told my mother and she appeared fine but next day she wanted to go home to her mother. Praying, folding her hands and singing to Jesus comforted her.. She wanted to take us all out to dinner today but I told her we have to stay home because of the virus. We watch Fox news all day long so she definitely knows what's going on. Don't know if it was the wisest decision to tell my mom.
I don't see anything wrong with telling them. As long as their mental capacity is okay and they will understand. My mom is 89 and where she is living, I doubt that they told anyone about it. There are 17 people living there with different levels of dementia and alzheimers. Guess that some people might freak out when they hear something like this? Who knows? Just glad that my mom is being cared for very well. She sleeps a lot but she has been through a lot also.
These folks, many of them , actually remember the 1918 flu stories from their own families. It is as simple as telling them that there is a bad flu season going on here now, so bad that they are very afraid for the older, younger, and immune suppressed people catching it. They will absorb this either more or less well, and with a real bad dementia are not going to understand not seeing family. But do the best you can without scaring them too much.
They are constantly asking what is going on... Why is everyone home... And you can't esxaoe it on news.... Plus ... With not going out for lunch or social events.
I tried to tell my mom over the phone why I'm not allowed to visit her. She said she doesn't have the virus and asked if I do. I said no. Well, then why can't I visit? There was no way to get her to understand anything at all over the phone because she thinks her assisted living is her own house, so how can anyone tell her who should visit and who shouldn't. In fact she kept forgetting who she was talking to. Today I will try Skype and see if it helps her to know who I am, but I think I'll not try to tell her anything about the virus.
MIL lives in the country, isolated - so that's already in our favor.
But she wouldn't really get the seriousness of it (to be fair, she would have poo - poo'd the seriousness LONG before the dementia too, she just doesn't care -if she wants to go to town, then she wants it now, all else be darned!)
So I just told her "You can't go to town for awhile. There is a virus going around and it's dangerous - they are saying anyone over the age of 60 has to stay home" She's 83 ;) She doesn't drive, I'm the only car she can get in and out of -- so if I don't take her, *hopefully* that means she stays home.
I didn't say "Because you are old" she would say "No I'm Not" I didn't say "It's not safe" she'd say "I'll be fine" I didn't say "We don't want you to go" she'd say "I don't care"
I blamed it on THEY . . . those mysterious folks in charge :) Not me, not her, not family!
I'm just hoping she doesn't go across the road and try to get the neighbor to take her. She got a dividend check in the mail this week, and it's burning a hole in her pocket. Just thinks she has to go to town RIGHT NOW and get that baby cashed *sigh*
I wouldn't mention it at all. When I was caring for mom we had unprecedented wildfires about 60 miles away. Mom was so worried and it effected her behavior negatively. Nope, would not tell her about CV, she would never be able to understand and would lash out. No more television news, for sure!
We had the news on at first and found my dad had a very bad dream That night, terrified we had to “go home and get out of here!” He really didn’t understand what he was afraid of but I do believe he did know subconsciously something was wrong. We haven’t had it on TV again or tried to talk about it in front of him since.
It really depends on what level they’re at. Can they understand what you’re saying? Would it frighten them? Unless you need to speak with them regarding self-isolation and personal hygiene like hand-washing, I would not bring up the subject of a pandemic with someone suffering with dementia just as a topic of conversation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Although we would not see her for some weeks we would ring the staff everyday to make sure she was ok and they would tell her we are ok. I downplayed the seriousness of the pandemic and what is happening in the world yet hopefully managed to get through to my mother that she was not being abandoned. She had been a nurse in her younger days so I tried to use that to advantage, saying she would have enjoyed the challenge of barrier nursing. She was more concerned that she could not recall being a nurse.
My mother is in a memory care unit with advanced progressive dementia. The owners have several of these aged care facilities and elected to go to full protective lockdown by the time I had returned home. The government has only ordered partial lockdowns at this stage so the facility were being really pro active. This could go on for months during which time other health issues might have her heading for the exit door yet again...happened 3 times in last year but she rallies.
I am so pleased I tried to explain the situation because it might be the last time she saw a familiar face. I did not think I had penetrated her muddled mind, but when I left an hour later my mother said she would try to not get sick and instructed us all to do the same. Note.. she had not really been acknowledging us as family recently, just as a familiar face. I do not care about that, we just do not want her to feel abandoned.
I guess my advice is to alert your elders and loved ones without alarming them. I hope my experience helps those to find a pathway at this diabolical time in world history.
PS We are planning to send little parcels and cards to distract her. The staff will help her open her mail and ensure everything is sanitised. It is just as much in their interests to keep residents in a steady emotional state especially where dementia behaviour is concerned.
I am in Australia, the arrival of full on pandemic is still about 2 weeks away at the current trajectory. Most facilities are only in partial lockdown but where my mother is resident the owners jumped the gun last Tuesday and put the place into protective lockdown a week ago. I accept that my visit last week may be the last time I see her, or even just the last time she saw a familiar face. It is my fear that she will feel abandoned, something she has dreaded all her life, the legacy of a dysfunctional family where her father left his wife and 6 children to fend for themselves in the aftermath of the Depression.
We are all in this crisis together. We are all moving mountains as we care for our elders. We are alreadt strong so we WILL prevail.
Side bar on new facility hunt: I requested nursing notes from previous place as we had been turned down at 2 places during Jan-Feb-I suspected something in the facility info was causing a road block for us getting out of there. Discovered nursing had included partial-one sided-notes of a phone conversation about a medication change-only including what nurse says I said to her. Some was true some was not-nurse said I yelled at her and told her the facility is a dump. I never yelled at anyone there ever and would have never told them out loud the place really is a dump and the staff are negligent nearly every day. -I did not want to create a situation where they would do even less than nothing for my sister. This nurse had an attitude with the dr. office about med change also. Nurse was bad news when I was not compliant with their demands to change meds-and created a reason for potential places to refuse us when she portrayed me as "the problem in this equation". Also discovered past community did not provide correct/current medication list to the new place so now we are trying to sort that out now on top of everything else. I did send an email to past facility admin about the phone call the same day-yes I did cut off the woman because I did not want to get irritated and angry with her about the way she was talking to me-I said I have to go now-click.
Where I live we have plenty of nature (waterfalls, mountains, etc.) so there are pretty places to drive and just look at the scenery.
I think just going for a drive (when your car if fixed) without going inside a store would be helpful to your Mom. If she wants to go inside a store you can say "Mom, now is not a good time to go inside because there are too many people so let's enjoy the drive okay?" or something like that.
Jenna
Roads are being fixed, so can't drive today.
Car is in the shop.
It's raining right now. Maybe later.
I'm sick today.
We recycle the excuses as she doesn't remember hearing them before. So each time is the first time for her.
Poor mom.
Plus ... With not going out for lunch or social events.
But she wouldn't really get the seriousness of it (to be fair, she would have poo - poo'd the seriousness LONG before the dementia too, she just doesn't care -if she wants to go to town, then she wants it now, all else be darned!)
So I just told her "You can't go to town for awhile. There is a virus going around and it's dangerous - they are saying anyone over the age of 60 has to stay home" She's 83 ;) She doesn't drive, I'm the only car she can get in and out of -- so if I don't take her, *hopefully* that means she stays home.
I didn't say "Because you are old" she would say "No I'm Not"
I didn't say "It's not safe" she'd say "I'll be fine"
I didn't say "We don't want you to go" she'd say "I don't care"
I blamed it on THEY . . . those mysterious folks in charge :) Not me, not her, not family!
I'm just hoping she doesn't go across the road and try to get the neighbor to take her. She got a dividend check in the mail this week, and it's burning a hole in her pocket. Just thinks she has to go to town RIGHT NOW and get that baby cashed *sigh*