I take care of my 90-year-old mom. I'm 56 and feel like my life is slipping away. How can I balance my social life and her care?

You can't ...... without some tuff love!

My Mum is 95 years old, 98% blind, barely mobile, lives in her own unit and has heaps of help from Blue Care, and of course moi!

She is demanding, hurtful, uncaring, selfish, narrow minded, argumentative, viscous when she wants to be, demands her own way 100% of the time, everything must be done "right here right now", is an expert in using emotional blackmail, thinks that the world (and I) owe her a living and to be quite frank, if I was dead on the footpath, she would walk over me rather than stop and see what was wrong! She is a "take no prisoners" old dear and it is her way or the highway. So, as a married guy, I am now on FOUR (4) anti depressant and anti anxiety pills per day, of which around 90% is a consequence of her fifteen years of bullying me, all of which I stupidly took without ever standing up to her!

If I even try, I am hit with the "oh you just like to hurt me, you don't care, you never help me, I'll have a stroke today, you hate me, you don't understand, I am 95 and blind (like I never knew!!), I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to sell out and live in a caravan, you'll be glad when I die and on and on and on ..............."

I have wrecked my health trying to look after her, my marriage was/is/might be in serious trouble due her constant harassment, but it has all changed!

'Cos on January one 2014, I changed!! I just stopped everything except ensuring her health was OK, her finances were in place and she was being cared for properly. I had called ID put on my phone and I don't even bother answering the 3-5 calls a day she makes - all with demands or bad news!

I visit her once a week, have a meal with her likewise, hang up the phone when she starts on me, let her ramble on with her crazy ideas, IGNORE her constant criticism of me and my failings as a son and you know what? It has worked!! But I do feel guilty treating her like this but you have to realize that the Mum you once had is gone! Her ability to reason, understand, comprehend and act maturely are all lost characteristics and you are simply the "whipping boy!"

The surprising thing is that she seems to have accepted it! I treat her respectively and lovingly but refuse point blank to be bullied by her and treated as a slave with no life to myself. And that is the hardest bit! You won't get it right first off but the more you try the easier it gets and I'll guarantee your Mum will slowly (and reluctantly) adjust to the new you!

You sound like a sole carer, as I am 'ços my wife hates her - and living with her must be sooooooo stressful!

My Doctor tells me he sees more Carers in need of help than the ones they are caring for!

Give it a go, you have nothing to lose! When you hits on you, get up and go for a walk and tell her you will be back when she treats you with love and respect, not as a doormat! It DOES work!

And of course I love her as a true seventy year old son does! regrettably, I live only a couple of k's from her unit - she is still independent in that respect - and happily sits in her comfy electric reclining chair - that I bought for her - and issues orders and demands 24/7.

Can you put Mom in adult daycare during the day so you can work and also get respite for yourself? If she has medicaid, call up her medicaid and see if they do cover adult daycares and respite programs in your area.
Where I live, my grandpa's medicaid pays for his adult daycare for up to 5 weekdays and includes his meals. It's been a lifesaver for me. If it wasn't for adult daycare maybe I would have given up and quit.

The last resort would be to put her in a nursing home but you know you read all these negative experiences with nursing homes. That's if there's really no other choice and if you can not handle the burden yourself then yes, nursing home would have to be the last choice. But look into adult daycares first.

I agree, Put her in a nursing home and make a life for yourself. You will find as I did, your life is slipping away because of our duty to our parents. I have been a care giver now for 23 years. My folks are in a nursing home now and should have been in one many years ago. My life was of no concern to them only that I was to be available to constantly cater to there relentless needs. It angers me now that I allowed it to happen. I was asked to shop, pay bills and deal with home support thieves and drive in all kinds of horrid weather even though I live 2 plus hours away. It didn't matter. I came to resent them both for being so selfish and uncaring to wether the roads where icy or in torrents of rain. If you don't make changes soon, your life will be gone and what have you done except be a slave to a parent. Sad but true. Visit your mom and care for her needs but don't become trapped because it will happen.....

Anksana-Moon

Frankly Benson you are screwed and, until she dies, you'll never have a male close friend, lover or husband and by then ... even at your age (and I'm older), older men want a nurse with a purse and someone to look after them - back to square one. Put her in a nursing home. visit, care for her needs, and go make a life for yourself.

This may have been mentioned in a prior post (as I see there are 22 of them at this point and I confess I have not had time to read through them all thoroughly) but my mother has had several falls that have not broken any bones or even been particularly upsetting to her. But, she does have an emergency alert pendant and she has used it a few times and the EMT's come and get her up, check her vitals and tell me "she's ok." Sometimes she calls me and my husband (we're about 10 - 15 mins. away) and once she's up she seems fine. Last time was just about a week ago and she told us to not rush....she'd managed to get a pillow, her TV remote and obviously had the phone and she was sitting there watching her favorite show, NCIS when we came. It's sometimes more upsetting to us than to our parents when these things happen. But, of course, if a broken bone or worse occurs as a result of this, other arrangements, even if they are only temporary, need to be made. Good luck benson123 and please know you are doing a very good thing being there for your mom - not all of the elderly are so fortunate, as we well know.

I just think it is so sad

I am single, in my mid-40s, no kids, and have been a caregiver for my Mom for most of my adult life. I’ve struggled with a lack of social life as well, and the feelings of guilt, or fear that something will happen to my mom in my absence. Or that she will simply be lonely or afraid if I’m not there. And unfortunately, the fear that our lives are “slipping away” seems more profound the older we get. But, in the end, it is the life that we have chosen to live, and it is in our nature to care for those we love. In my personal experience with my family, I believe that quality is much rarer than most people think, but it is something to feel good about! Don’t get me wrong, I have my days when I feel very isolated and different from everyone, but I can’t NOT be me—if that makes sense. But what I am learning, and what others have commented on, is that we just need to do a better job of taking care of ourselves too.
I don’t have many friends, but the friends I do have are close to their mom, or their dad, or to both parents and truly value the time that they have with them. So although my friends are married, they understand my commitment and in some ways probably envy my “freedom.” It can be a very lonely freedom, but at the same time it has value. I think too often, people view a social life or the need to get married as the only life worth living—but it sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom, and that’s, as they say, priceless!
Enjoy being with your mom, but try to get out more—even if that means once a week during the best time to leave your mom alone (or in someone else’s care). It will make a big difference. And if you do one thing every day that makes YOU happy—then it’s a life well-lived. I know all of this is just talk and I know you have hopes for a different life, but I disagree with the idea that we have to wait until our parent isn’t here anymore to find that life. It’s out there---maybe not everything that you want, and maybe not everything at once, but who really has that? If you got married at the age of 60 and you lived to be your mom’s age—just think—you could be married 30 years! That's more than most marriages last today, so there’s still a lot of life left to live! I wish you all the best!

I know the difficult time you are having my dad was cared for by my mother i would get calls and other family members would also to come and pick him up off the florr he fell 13xs dementia, my mom insisted on her care for him up untill the very last fall and they took him to the hospital the drs assisted in saying possible pneumonia which kept him 3 days then to a rehab and then nursing home, it is so difficult to make decisions for our loved ones we fell guilty i did at times but knew he was safer where he was , i am a caregiver for the elderly , my dad refused my help which i understood. There are many programs and private cna can help out to give you some relief especially if you need to leave him alone there are alot of good people out there, you mentioned church talk to the pastor , people will also volunteer to sit with him and make a meal try to not let yourself go in this process , alot of elderly have no family thats were i seem to come in .. make some calls to age of councling in your area and also you can call any agency for homecare they ccan guide you as well

Consider this..The flight attendant on the airplane demonstrates the oxygen mask and says, Put this on first, before your children. In other words, take care of yourself first so you can take care of others. Our folks had their time and now must accept old age with its issues and limitations. My 86 yr old mother was traveling around the world at my age (63) and had an exciting life. But I am watching out for her plus my son in a wheelchair. I refuse to indulge my mom with her "wants" to be entertained. I take care of her necessities, dr visits, cleaning her apt but I deserve my time too. I just lost my little angel, best friend, cousin, at age 58. She sacrificed her whole life to take care of her parents, and would do every silly thing they thought of.. The stress was over-whelming and she didn't have the ability to say No. So at this young age, she is gone, without her "time", and her parents are still maintaining, managing fine without her.. When she thought it was up to her for their survival.

At 85, my mother still lives alone, in a way. What is really going on is that I have put numerous safe guards in place so that she usually has someone with her or checking on her from the time she is up until she goes to bed. I don't think my mother really wants anyone with her, yet. However, this will change soon, and we have decided boundaries --- mine and hers. That way if she reaches a point where she is not rational, she will have a routine she recognizes. In your situation, I would try to add one independent thing every two weeks to your daily schedule. My next door neighbor created a garden outside her mother's window so she could hear her but she had her own private time too. She also had a sitter with her mom every Saturday so that she could go shopping, etc. She sat on the front porch with a friend or neighbor at least three or four nights a week for an hour. These are just suggestions and may not be of any use to you. When my father , who is now deceased, was ill and in hospitals for over 8 months, I was a teacher of special needs children and held several other minor positions. My son was just old enough to drive and drove better than I did. I tried to use the long drives to relax and drink tea while talking to my son about life and school. I helped him with studying for tests by using his review sheets. I graded papers and wrote lesson plans, and I read when I had time. Most importantly, I slept when I could. I learned to nap. What I am trying to say in an awkward way is that we can often do most of the same things, but we have to change how and when we do them. I was with my father for precious time each day. My son saw him and helped, but I also sent him to visit with relatives and friends in the waiting room. The days I had with my father are days I treasure. I am grateful for everyone that helps me with my mom. She is in a small community. I know I can continue being me when I need to physically be with Mom. I am 58 and am very active. Some of those activities will have to stop but not all of them. My church and Mom's church have already discussed ways to help me. A true church family, not matter what faith you are, is a blessing. I wish I lived nearby to give you a break. Take care and create your life --- perhaps it will look different ,but you will have control of it. Best wishes.

This is for Benson123 and also Eyerishlass, who commented that her dad died in May and she is still trying to regain her balance "socially and emotionally." This really hit home for me. I was sole caretaker for my mother for 12 years; she died in February at the age of 103, and I am still "off balance" as well, precisely because I just did not take good enough care of myself. In each one of those 12 years I lost a little more of my life and my "self" because oddly enough it just seemed easier not to fight it than to make much of an effort to keep myself occupied socially and otherwise in ways that did not involve my mother and her needs--or her perceived needs at least. In the last two of those 12 years she started to suffer from dementia that was getting steadily worse. There were more and more times when I thought I was actually crazier than she was; I managed to keep my cool most of the time, but I was absolutely seething with resentment. Now that she's been gone nearly 8 months I'm just starting to regain my perspective. When I look back on all those years I can see that I pretty much did that to myself--slowly but surely. I declined lots of invitations to lunch, dinner or a movie because I felt I was too tired, too busy, or frankly just too depressed to make the effort. I really regret that now, because my social "circle" is really, really, really small, and I am making a monumental effort to get myself out and about where I can hopefully meet people and make at least a few more friends. Believe me, I know the constraints--caregiving is incredibly time-consuming and worse, life-consuming. But as I look back now, I did a pretty darn good job all those years, and it would not have made any real difference if I had made more of an effort to take care of myself, at least a little; I should not have allowed myself to sink into such isolation. I was so gradual I barely noticed, which is the scary thing, that I just let it happen. By the time I tried to get away occasionally my mother had become so hysterically clingy that it was much harder than it would have been had I done this more often all along. Maybe someone else can learn a little something from my experience and new perspective on this. God bless all of you.

My grandpa is 91 years old and he has dementia. I take him to adult daycare 1-3 times per week. I am also a single mother to a young son so I have to balance being a caregiver to grandpa and being a mother to my little boy. Adult daycare is a lifesaver for both caregiver and loved one. I got the adult daycare suggestion from this website. So I encourage you to take your mom to adult daycare. If mom has medicaid, call her medicaid and ask for any "respite" programs and adult daycare programs that they will pay for. Respite programs funded by medicaid, they give you a voucher so you can use for when you need respite and they watch mom for you. My grandpa's medicaid pays for up to 5 days a week for his adult daycare so hopefully where you are located they pay the same.

I read your post from your mother's point of view. My daughter will be 56 when I'm 90. She's an only child, too. I want her to love me and look out for me, but I want her to have a life of her own for when I'm gone. Your mother may be frail and afraid these days, but I think she also wants you to be happy now and happy later.

My daughter is just home from college, and I'm noticing that I want her to get out of the house more because I like time for myself. She needs to start her life, not remain attached to loving but soon-to-be elderly parents.

Please push yourself to get out and get a life now. That is what your younger, healthier mother would want for you - your happiness.

Classic Borderline - Livia from the Sopranos - hahaha. If you ever need a lesson in Borderline mothers watch that series before Livia dies. I think a lot of us could relate.

while caring for an elder your life is indeed slipping away. it was the one reality that troubled me the most. the loss of self is so subtle that you dont even see it coming until your hiring relief in order to get out and work. i dont have any good advice, i just understand the sense of loss. i have no regrets about the 6 years i spent with my mom but it took a toll on me. i built a second trike in the last 3 years just to have some sense of accomplishment. pretty absurd. one guy has no need for 2 trikes. sigh

I agree that you have to make yourself do your own self care because no one else will do it for you. Some other ideas are you can set time apart to get together with your social friends at the same time your mother is spending time with her friends. This is a good thing to do at church. My mom goes to her church and I go to mine. A full time job will be important to support yourself once your loved one goes and if you want to get married then it is important to get back into the dating game. Maybe Aging Care. com can have a section for singles who are in caregiver roles and possibly are looking for special someone to communicate back and forth and lead to a dating relationship.

This is me now at 44 and I'm a single mother and work fulltime. I have completely isolated myself and son and prior to the past two years we had a full life of friend and, activities. I feel guilty all the time about not giving my son enough time and energy. Unfortunately his dad is not in the picture and I am his only parent. I do have family help but I can see that I have to make some hard choices. Basically if my mom doesn't walk soon (broken hip 2 months ago) she will have to go into nursing home and lose her home. I am not the only child but one sibling lives out of state and the other had a hip surgery also and I have to help her also. My dad passed 6 years ago and my mom who was always selfish and difficult is more so. I am also struggling with getting my social life back and giving my son more time before its to late and he is off to college.....sigh....its hard and when I do have respite I am thinking of all the things that need to be done so I am never relaxed! I hope you find an answer and share it back here as I need one also.

If she does not have dementia and can be left alone, then get out and join the dating game. You have nothing to feel guilty about since you have been a good child and taken care of your mother. If you keep being isolated, then when she dies, you will still be alone. Time to act now before she leaves...

I can remember when my mother was younger, she fixed herself up, but an empty whiskey by her side, and this is what I found when I got home from school.
Do you know anything about Livia on the Sopranos?

I'll be short...please put yourself on your "list".
Even if it is only to take one hour of every day and get out
shopping, exercising etc. Keep in touch with your friends and family
even if you only have time to send a quick email.
One day your mom will no longer be there. You will have alot of time to do more
things as you once did, but you should always make your life and your health equally as important as you are making hers!

In response to your post about "Your life slipping away". I felt that way also for many years. Twenty two of them to be exact. In my case my mother is not nice. She was anything but supportive when I needed it the most. How my dad put up with her for 64 years, I have no idea. She is VERY selfish and stubborn and 95 yrs. old. I am being blamed for her ailments and why she is in a nursing home now along with my dad. Balancing work, home and parents is the hardest work you will ever do. Especially if distance travelling is required to care for their constant needs and requests. I started a crochet sweater in 07 to keep me from going insane when I took 4 months off work to care for my mother while my dad was in the hospital again. I helped me focus on something else other than my mother being difficult and treating me like dirt. After I was back home and dad was back home I put the sweater away because when ever I looked at it, it reminded me of those 4 terrible months I spent catering to her every need and got no thanks what so ever. This summer I pulled the sweater out and finished it. It's now is a monument to self preservation and the only good thing that came out of that year. There will be many hurdles to conquer. My parents are safe and cared for and I don't have the constant worry about my mother being on the floor all night because she fell out of bed again. I am an only child and now 58 yrs. old and I have no children as well. Be glad if your mother appreciates you. Mine doesn't and never will.
Good luck and put yourself first. It's a hard call but you have to. I was told this by the nursing home case worker. Put any guilt you have aside. You can only do so much.
Anksana-Moon

One of the things I do and am still trying to do is not feel guilty if I leave her alone for a few hours. My mother can do that--be alone for a little bit. If I am going to be gone, I make sure that people (family and friends) can call to check on her. I do like you do---worry about the great "what if" when I am away. I have put as much safety in place as I can but the little guilt and worry is still with me. I do get out (socially) at least twice a month. Part time work---if you can call that getting away--takes me out weekly. My other biggest concern is providing for her social entertainment or keeping her busy. She likes to do nothing really, craftwise. Some (and I say 'some') family members visit. One neighbor visits on occasion. I take her with me to some places. If I take her out shopping, she doesn't want to get out of the car, so sometimes we just go for rides. There is no Adult Day Care nearby and it is pricey. IHSS does not provide for 'babysitting' as they call it. I feel it is all on my shoulders to make some kind of life for her when I barely have a life of my own. I know it sounds selfish, but I am nearly burned out. Sometimes I just want to isolate and do absolutely nothing. But I agree with the first comments---you need to do SOMETHING to keep from going crazy.

Someone said to me... it's all about perspective.

When you look back on this time in your life, you may consider it the greatest blessing of your whole life. I would suggest that you look on the internet for the things people accomplished later in life.

I think it was Grandma Moses, a very, very famous painter, who started painting at age 60 ish. I've been thinking about how nice it would be now to pick up a paintbrush and how simple. Laura Ingles, (don't quote me on accuracy) wrote Little House on the Prairie in her mid 60s. Roget (of Roget's Thesaurus) published that around age 70 and then added to it until he was in his 90s.

Those and other things are amazing to me.

My mom used to say, stay in the positive. Lay down only positive thoughts and experiences on your brain. Read good books, watch uplifting TV and movies. Look at a blade of grass or a flower and marvel at it. Each day, something positive can build up our brains to happy and fruitful lives. We can find something positive in every thing... for example, look at your current situation as a challenge, a great puzzle to be solved. Think of yourself as a mystery detective and search for clues to solve the challenge. Like a great skier tackling a steep hill, it's not easy... but it can be fun and exhilarating.

When ever I'm feeling down and doing something I don't want to be doing, I stop and think if it's possible for me to look at it in a different more positive way. I take a shower, do my hair and a touch of makeup, put on clean clothes and a smile and start again.

Joel Osteen said one day, we have all that we need right now. So, on that day, I took a look around and started to dig out the basement. I know there is a pony in there somewhere!

Quick note also Bensen - Eyerishlass had good strategies - put some measure of important activities into your breaks - depends on what time intervals you can find. Resting is important in between, but if you can also find some activity that will help prepare you to meet some future goals, you can progress slowly too. I used to read when I had down time, including some reading towards a future goal, as well as relaxed reading. I know the panic, after years of caregiving, feeling that one's life is slipping away, and I'm glad my caregiving has let up for now, so I can pursue new paths - and THAT task is complicated, draining and challenging and takes lots of exploration. I'm glad I learned first the value of slowing down, in my elder care times. You might be able to take one adult ed or other class - or can add in some work that helps in some other area of your life (do the sewing projects or organizing projects, bit by bit - bring your ironing board over, learn makeup techniques.... whatever you think will support your later changes) - and you can feel that you are actually, in small ways, preparing yourself for the time - which will come all too soon when your mom won't be there with you. You will find you do not regret this special time you have set aside to be with your mom. Best gift in the world, opportunity for some experiences you could not get otherwise, and if you make that the best quality you can, you won't regret it. I don't - whatever life I have next, I learned a whole lot about love and attention, care and laughter, in my years of working with elders and love and human uniqueness in years of helping my brother.

My goodness sweetie you sound so much like myself, I have done nothing but dedicate my entire life to taking care of others and always put myself in the back seat. And although you are trying your best to do anything possible to keep them happy and safe it is unhealthy for you. You need to take care of yourself, you need friends that are willing to listen to you vent and not take offence or judge you. You are to young to get caught up in a non social life. The more that you withdraw from outside life the worst it is going to get. You are no good to your mom when you are so caught up in your own emotions. You so need to get respite care in to give you some very much needed personal time for your social and your very emotional wellbeing. The longer you let this go the worse it will get for you, even if you go sit in a park read a book it is a step. I try to setup a spa day for myself once a week, even though I do it at home it is for me, all me where I take time to pamper myself. Try it, it is a great way to relax and get rid of the stressors in your life. Don't close yourself off cause mom will move on and you will be caught up in this same rut if you don't take charge of it now. Very best of luck to you. Hugs & Hugs

Eyerishlass, I need to reply to you first - good post, and good strategies and perspective. And lying on the floor is not the worst experience - it can be a calm time! I knew a manager of a small company in the small town where I used to live - he took care of his mother, who lived nearby, but also worked. He was a really nice and kind man, and loved his mother, and she said this arrangement, living alone at home, in the same town as he worked, was what she wanted. He went home every lunch hour. AND, here's the part - several times, he found her on the floor. And when he had talked with her about that, doubting the safety of this arrangement, she insisted, very surely, that this was no big deal to her. She knew she would just lie there and wait for him, because she knew he was coming soon enough. I had to laugh a little, at this odd arrangement between the two of them. Of course, we don't want anyone who has fallen to lie in pain - but lying on the floor is not as bad to the person, as it looks to someone arriving, for when you arrive you fear the worst. But if there is not a big pain injury, after you've fallen, staying still on the floor can be OK. In my elder care work, I've had a patient slide to the ground, not often, but when they do, before helping them up, I might sit on the floor with them, as they regain their energy to use as they get up, slowly and strategically, with my help. I might put a pillow under them, so they can rest and relax. And sitting there with them, I've found we are both relaxed - no more danger of falling, we are sitting on the floor! So don't think it was the worst! In the book, My Mother, Your Mother, slow medicine, the MD author also talks of the calm he achieves by sitting on the floor with his fallen mother.

I read your post and the first thing I wondered about was your mom. Is she able to stay by herself for short periods? I felt the same way you do when I was caring for my dad in my home. I was in my early 40's and needed some kind of outlet. I couldn't sit around all day in case my dad decided to walk down the 2 steps into the den or in case he had a bout of incontinence. Of course, we both know there's more to caregiving than that but at the time I felt that my dad could stay by himself for several hours. I decided to do volunteer work and I committed about 8 hours a week to it. It got me up, it was something scheduled that I had planned, and it got me out of the house.

I don't know about you but it's very easy for me to isolate so I had to force myself to have lunch with a friend occasionally or do other social activities. Purely for my sanity. I went back to church.

But my dad was able to stay by himself for short periods of time. Your mom may not be able to. It depends upon that.

But as able as my dad was, one morning while I was at my volunteer job he fell and laid there for hours before I got home. I had tried to call him when I was done at the job and he didn't answer. I thought me might be in the bathroom or something. He was very hard of hearing. But when I got home all the lights were off and there was no sign that my dad had been up and I knew I'd find him on the floor. And I did. This is the event that put him into a nursing home. And as I write this a part of me wants to feel totally responsible. It was MY fault that my dad laid there on the floor all morning. Had I been home that wouldn't have happened. But the other part of me knows that I could not be shackled to that house day in and day out and have no outside contact. Even my dad had social activities he enjoyed! I was not wrong in wanting that for myself and neither are you.

Without knowing your mom's condition I would strongly encourage you to get out and be a part of life. If you're anything like me, isolation begets more isolation. The more I stay home in my cocoon the more I want to stay home in my cocoon. Call a friend and have lunch. Donate some time to a worthy cause that you feel strongly about. Join a church. Put yourself in situations where you're around other people.

I was a caregiver to my dad for over 5 years. He died in May and I'm still trying to regain my balance, socially and emotionally. This site helps. I'm glad you're here, benson.