How can I accept that my manipulative/abusive mother (now 15 months in NH) is my responsibility as I am her POA/healthcare advocate?

MissGypsy, you do realize that you do not have to deal with her to advocate for her.

You also do not need to act as her POA or advocate.

If you walked away, she would still be cared for and if she needed an advocate the nursing home would involve DHHS and they would do an emergency petition that would make her a ward of the state and she would have a court appointed guardian to act in the capacity you are now, without the history.

I don't usually think walking away is a good idea but, I know there are people that can destroy you if you don't protect yourself. Only you can decide if you can walk away and be okay with it.

You could still visit, if you chose to.

You matter and your well-being matters. Don't let her need to abuse you cause you to lose that.

I agree with Isthisrealyreal.

Sometimes distant nieces or great second cousins or whoeverer are asked to be POA, as the only viable family member.

They may choose what level of involvement - from frequent visitor to completely hands-off in the background.

They may outsource many tasks to accountant, law firm, or geriatric care manager.
Someone can then be authorised to authorise any purchases the NH may request for your Mother eg haircuts, more clothing, new shoes.

You could choose to be completely non involved. Think about what feels right for you.

Have another think about what you need and don’t need to do as POA:

1) You don’t have to visit. You don’t need to witness the ‘Queen Bee’ act, the nastiness or the unreasonable demands.

2) She is on Medicaid, so the NH takes most of her money and keeps her small amount of spending money in a trust account that she can ask for. That isn’t enough for ‘frivolous spending’. The NH can’t give her what isn’t in the trust fund. She shouldn’t have finances that you need to handle at all.

3) She needs very little in the way of purchases. Her clothes will take a long time to wear out, her creams etc should last for ages. The NH will have some residents who have no family left at all, and they will have a ‘personal shopping’ system for buying what is needed. Ask about it.

4) You can cut right back on interaction with ‘nurses, social workers, activities coordinators, dieticians’ and anyone else involved in her care. You give them permission to make their own best decisions, without your involvement. They probably think that they are doing you a favour by keeping you in the loop – they aren’t! Once again, remember that some residents have no family left at all, and this is what happens for them. The staff can deal with the ‘nastiness’, and you don’t need to be an intermediary or to apologise for bad behavior.

5) You can limit involvement, and the information that comes to you, to serious emergencies.

If you look at this list, don’t feel guilty if you decide to go along with all of it. However you can pick and choose what you will do, and what you won’t do. You can also change your mind as you see how things work out. You may find that getting rid of some of the stresses means that you can keep a ‘decent’ amount of involvement without going around the bend.

Best wishes, and I hope this helps!

Are you suggesting that you wish to give up your POA?
Now that your Mom has passed from well abled into dementia it is too late to do this easily, but it can be done.
What you should know first is that, if there is no other family member willing to take this on, then Mom will fall into guardianship of the state. At that point you will have little to zero input in her placement or her finances, though--with Mom being on medicaid--there may be few finances to worry about.
Once you have decided to resign you will need an elder law attorney; it is more difficult to resign care of a person with dementia that it is with one who is well and competent. You will need to notify each and every entity that you deal with that you are no longer POA.
Short of resigning, I don't know what boundaries you can set up for yourself, but sounds like you will need some. You say Mom was removed from independent living and now is in a nursing home. You might consider a visit with admin to work with a her about a careplan that precludes Mom's constant outreach to you.
I am so sorry you are enduring this. There are so few choices, and this must be so anxiety provoking. I surely do wish you the best.

Once my Mom was in a NH a lot of responsibility was lifted off my shoulders. If I didn't have her house to sell it would have almost been perfect.

I took in her personal toiletries, right there next to her bed, but for some reason the aides did not use it. They used what they provided. They have toothpaste and lotions. She has a Personal needs account where a small amount of money (in my State $50) is placed in the acct monthly. This can be used on haircuts, snacks, sodas whatever she needs. If you buy her something with your money, you can be reimbursed from the acct. It has to be spent because it effects the 2k in assets (amount maybe different in your state) she is allowed. Its counted as an asset. If you want, you can put xrtra money into the acct.

I allowed the NH to become payee of Moms SS and pension. I figured if there was any problems with either after Mom passed (like pulling back payments too soon, which happens) the NH would have to deal with that. Ask the financial office for the form allowing them to become payee.

Since Mom is only allowed about 2k in assets, what other expenses does she incur? Medicare is her primary and Medicaid secondary so should have no other health insurance. You should NOT have any out of pocket expenses. If Mom does not have the money, then she does not have the money.

You should need no interaction with anyone now Mom has been there 15 months. Time to tell them to handle things themselves. Unless its an emergency, you really no longer need input. POA does not mean you have to constantly be involved or run Moms errands. If they are having problems with Mom then they need to handle it. Tell them you need to back away. I give you permission to do this.😊

You are the compassionate child. The one who wants to make everything right. The one who is trying to find love from a person who can't give it. She doesn't know how. And you don't deserve the abuse she hands out. She has lost friends and family because of how she treated them. Her heath is the way it is because she didn't take care of herself. This is not your fault. You can't fix it.

Your profile says nothing about Dementia being involved. You may want to tell Mom that you are going no contact. You no longer will take the abuse she dishes out. She is on her own so she better be nice to the staff because they do more for the nice residents. That the NH can take care of her basic needs. Then you talk to the Director of Nursing. Tell her you want no more calls unless its an emergency. That Mom is competent enough to express what she wants and doesn't want. She has been there 15 months so they should understand why u need to back off. If you receive any calls from them, other than an emergency thank them for the call but that you have asked that other than for an emergency, you were not to get calls. Its now between them and Mom.

You can block Mom. Call her when you feel like it. As soon as she gets started tell her you are hanging up and hang up. If you don't want to visit DON'T. She has brought this on herself.

I totally sympathise with you likewise I have POA work full time and have to deal with all of this as my mother is in hospital with dementia she hasn’t been a good mother and I struggle to be sympathetic fed up with all her accusations her moods and don’t bother coming back to see me attitude dread hospital phone calls etc you are not alone try and find some me time and try not to let it stress you out I’m afraid we are stuck for now good luck

The only mother I ever knew was a good kind woman who as nearly as I can piece together, had lead a fairly normal life until the day I was born, then suffered a HORRIFIC surgical delivery (of me) that caused her to suffer with severe anxiety/agoraphobia for most of the rest of her life.

It took me DECADES to make peace with the fact that although her tragic condition resulted from my birth, I wasn’t “complicit” in its cause.

She truly did what she was able to do, but only because her 4 younger sisters were a part of my early years was I able to access a fairly normal adulthood.

I know the path you walk, and I will tell you that you MUST divorce YOURSELF from “…the wounds from the past…” to free yourself from the treadmill of her destruction.

Your description of your current life suggests that you are still in an emotional “push-pull” with your mother, and SHE won’t put the rope down, so for your welfare, YOU MUST.

I know this, because I lived your life until I was in my middle 20s.

NOTHING you have written about your mother’s current life is intertwined in YOUR life.

You didn’t make her the woman she is. Caring for her is an onerous occupation, but what she is or why she’s who she is now is not part of YOUR PRESENT.

Make your contributions to her management a “mitzvah” - the gift that you freely give, and expect nothing back. It took me YEARS to perfect my ability to do this, but it can be a wonderful release when and if you do.

YOU are worth the effort it takes. Reward yourself, tangibly or otherwise, for each task you feel obliged to perform. Cut your actions toward her to essentials, NOTHING that is “extra”. You have observed that she is not ABLE to accept your kindness and generosity, so STOP OFFERING IT.

Seek the help of others to do the basics.

Last, and probably at this point, MOST IMPORTANT, you must give yourself 100% permission to IGNORE her lies, slights, and insults. Her caregivers ignore her, and couldn’t care less what pretensions and actions they observe from her. Your welfare needs you to adopt the same policy.

It is a difficult life being the child of a parent who is unable to express the gentler loving feelings that we all crave, but you can become a good parent to yourself.

I did. Come back to the Forum when you need a renewed dose of resolve. You can expect to receive it here.

First off, know that you are not alone! My 89 year old Dad has been steadily declining - MDS and stage 4 CKD. As his conditions progress, he gets more and more angry and takes it out on me. Seems I can’t do anything right. He complains about the food at rehab and so I bring him different things to eat as often as I can. When I do, I usually hear some complaint about what I chose to bring that day. The dr’s, nurses and staff tell me, “Oh, your Dad is so cute and nice”. Seems he is nice to everyone but me. This is going on for at least 4 years now. Multiple falls, hospitalizations, a few surgeries, toe amputation, and lots of IV’s. His mind remains sharp, but his body is failing. I understand why he would be in a foul mood, but some days the way he talks to me just hurts so bad. His angry tone takes me back to when I was a child. I have been reminded of how my Dad would sometimes talk to my Mom and that really hurts. I am a very emotional person…can’t help it. It’s just my nature, but I have gotten stronger and can let some things go. I have also learned that I do not have to be at the rehab facility every day. It’s not healthy for me and I am entitled to enjoy some time for myself. Being POA, advocate, and daughter is a full time job. Be sure to give yourself a break as often as you can. Definitely return to the forums for support. There is comfort in knowing that there are others going through the same exact thing. We’re all just doing the best we can.

So much good advice here. I would add that you consider seeing a psychologist for a little to help you make the transition from being her punching bag to being the human you deserve to be. You don't need to make it a life long endeavor, just enough therapy to help you make the break.

❤️ No advice. Just understanding. You are not alone.

You are in the grip of a Narcissistic parent’s manipulation whereby she has successfully convinced you that it’s your role and purpose in life to meet her wants and needs at the expense of your own. I know that, because it happened to me. I resented it, felt sick every time I ‘had’ to go and see her. It drove me to the edge. I was no longer able to appreciate or enjoy my life, it was taken over by her needs and as well as being totally unco-operative, she would blame me for her unhappiness and everything that was wrong in her life. She was also very abusive, both verbally and physically. ‘You’re an idiot.’ ‘You fat, ugly cow’ (I’m a size 10), ‘you smug bitch’ ‘you pompous cow’ and my favourite ‘you’re a bully! And I was brought up to hate bullies.’

After 2 years of being the sole carer during lockdown, I got to October last year and I was having very dark thoughts, despite having a loving marriage of 35 yrs, 4 beautiful grown children, grandchildren, a fulfilling career and a comfortable home, etc. I was overwhelmed at the thought of being solely responsible as POA, which Mum took pains to tell everyone I’d tricked her into signing! My brother has been out of the picture for a while - he came back briefly when I was moving mum into extra care housing to help. And he really did help, but he was rewarded with her full on victriol, so has retreated again. I realise his absence was self- protection.

The best thing that ever happened to me was that my desperation reached such a bad place that I finally sought counselling. I began in January and already have made such strides in coming to understand the dynamics. My counsellor has helped me to work through the sadness and grief of a mother who wasn’t able to meet my child’s needs. I’m actually in a place now where I can have empathy for her, set some boundaries to make it possible to take care of her without it being at the expense of my own mental health. I’ve also realised that her behaviour has nothing to do with me and is a result of multiple childhood traumas she suffered - a coping strategy, which has devastated her life, as well as mine.

Consider, if you can, seeking professional support. It has changed my life for the better and I’m able to care for my Mum as I wanted to, with professional carers, whilst still being able to take care of myself.

Good luck. Take care of yourself. You matter!

Lots of good suggestions here. It's ok to explain to the nursing home that you are at a different point in your life, the you will not be visiting so often, that you know that they take good care of your mother, etc. They will understand, and not judge.
As the caregiver child in my family of origin, I struggle with some of the same issues, including siblings who seem to have no issues.

I completely identify with cringing every time the phone rings. When I see that it is the facility I let it go to voice mail, check the message to see what it is about. If it is a staff member I can usually deal with it over the phone. I have requested that my mother not be assisted in order to call me. Her dementia is such that she cannot use a phone without help. But my mother is a master manipulator who can still convince even some seasoned staff to help her. You are not the only one who feels the wounds from the past are ripped open each time she lies, manipulates and puts you down. I have been told by the Director of the facility to limit my visits to once a week at the most. I have started making a big effort to live my own life away from my mother and I feel much happier most of the time. I also try not to engage or fall for her latest drama. It's easier when I don't see her as often. Remember her situation is not your fault. You've been a good daughter,

You are not alone in our forum and will not be trapped. Don't let your mother take advantage of you! Does she love you at all? Sounds like mental problems. I just do not understand how people with their own problems have children they are unable to love. Has she also seen her doctor, perhaps a psychiatrist herself? I went through problems with my mentally ill, manipulating mother, and Thank God, I have two professional siblings who got help for her and moved her away from me to be placed in an out of state facility near my brother back in 2013. Medications helped her sleep better and also managed Mom's multiple health conditions.

Everyone here has given you great advice. You don't have to remain being your mother's POA if you don't want to. Make an appointment to talk to one of the social workers at the nursing home. Then tell them that you think it would be best for everyone if you gave over POA to the NH or for them to petition for conservatorship of your mother. They will do it.
As for the wounds of the past being ripped open every time she lies, manipulates, and puts you down, I think that happens to us all. You're a human being and you have feelings. You don't have to tolerate abuse from her or anyone else and you shouldn't. You don't have to take every call from her. You can hang up if the conversation starts getting abusive. When you visit her, you can get up and leave if she gets snide and abusive. It's okay to.
My last care client who I was a caregiver to for seven years never drank, smoked, ate right, exercised regularly, and wasn't overweight at any time in her life was invalid from dementia by the time she was 70 years old. By the time she hit 71 she was bedridden in diapers needing to be washed, fed, and dressed by caregivers. She lived like that for eight years.
My grandfather who drank and smoked his whole life dropped dead at the age of 97 while arguing with his neighbor about a fence. He was literally smoking a cigarette when he died. You never tell in this life.

I believe you can resign from your lofty position and free yourself. You can block phone calls, you can move too far away to be helpful or you can just say, "NO." You sound judgmental and angry and that is your right, but why live in a state of resentment.............resentment is your cancer and is eating you alive.

Remember the movie, "Network" and line, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore." Limit yourself to occasional FaceTime visits IF you're so inclined.

You are not qualified be her POA/health care advocate. Find a way to get out of that responsibility. It's unfair to your mother.

I am very sorry for your situation. To be the only person caring for an elderly parent is horrific. To be left alone with all of the responsibility and no support is the most isolating feeling. Do you have a spouse with whom you could delegate some of these responsibilities? Does a social worker help with these things? Would your sibling be willing to take one aspect of your mother's care over? Even a tiny one? Otherwise, I am out of ideas and just want to offer my empathy.

MissGypsy: Perhaps you can resign your POA.

Sounds like you have burned out. Being POA for someone who you have not have the best relationship in years is rough. Maybe it's time to relinquish the role of PoA. Not sure where you are but in NJ you tell the NH social worker that your want to give up this role. If there is no one else who wants it, the NH then applies to the state who will appoint a guardian to the resident in question. The court appointed guardian will then take on all duties of the PoA.

Being POA is also your choice. You can ask social services or case management to ask the courts to appoint a guardian ad litem to manage her affairs.

Resign your position as POA and healthcare advocate.

I am at a loss to understand how you came to accept these without appreciating that they in themselves made you responsible for all decision-making related to your mother's financial and personal wellbeing, but I do know that you are by no means alone in this. Goodness knows how many well-intentioned family members cheerfully fill in the forms and then forget all about them; and even more never ever get round to reading the explanatory notes and guidance that usually accompany them.

You don't have to do it, you know. It is your choice. Everybody else has got away from her, and there's nothing to stop you doing the same. Is there?

So many other people are giving you good advice. I just want to tell you - you are not alone. I don't care much for my mother yet here I am taking care of her needs. I dont like the position I'm in, but the person I want to be dictates that I should do my best to fulfill this role.

My mother has NPD and the rest of us have suffered from it. And now she has Alzheimers. As an adult, I chose to go no contact several times because I could feel her influence affecting how I was raising my kids and I didn't want that for them. I'm very proud of the fact that I have taken my experience as her child, worked through the many issues that caused, and grown into a healthy adult with healthy adult children BECAUSE of who she was (anybody can be a good role model OR a cautionary tale). Now, after burying two husbands and a sister, she considers me to be the only member of her family remaining (she has two stepchildren who care for her quite a lot but she has no regard for them). After fifteen years of estrangement, she contacted me five months after her second husband died and I went to visit and found her malnourished and showing distinct signs of dementia. That was three years ago. After one visit, she made me her DPOA, MPOA, sole heir and Executrix. Then she declared she no longer wanted to make financial decisions. She has a sizeable estate that came to her through the hard work and wise planning of her second husband. She refused to consider that his children should have any part of the estate or the decision-making regarding the management of it (I keep them informed as a courtesy and I plan to share the estate when the time comes). I feel like this is largely because she felt she had to buy my cooperation and loyalty. To be honest, it IS a lot of money, but if I didn't feel considerable love and respect for both my dad and my step-dad, and if I didn't feel they would be pleased that I am looking out for her, I would and could walk away. All the money in the world isn't worth the abuse she doles out sometimes. Most days I do okay. If she is behaving badly, I position myself as a caretaker - nothing more. Because of her Alzheimers, I try to be very consistent in everything I do- visit at the same times, call at the same times, etc. If she becomes too abusive, I leave right away and tell her I will see her in a few days and I let staff at her AL know I won't be there as planned. I don't feel guilty for leaving her alone on Christmas or Mother's Day - she chose to be alone because of her bad actions. I don't feel guilty for taking breaks. And I try real hard not to fall into old patterns of avoidance when insults start - I stand up to them as I would with anyone else and I leave if she doesn't back down. If I find myself feeling the old weighted down victim-y feeling I felt before I got on top of things, I back away. First and foremost, I have to protect my own mental health. I've worked too hard to get to where I am to allow her to drag me back down to where she had me as a kid. If I ever found myself unable to maintain my own healthy mind, I would not hesitate to step aside and allow someone else to do the work of maintaining her. BTW, I know it's mortifying to watch your mom abuse staff at her NH, but they know how to deal with people like that. At least that's what they tell me at Mom's AL.

Hi Gypsy,

I know that feeling all too well. I moved my mom to assisted living recently to ease the stress on myself because I was taking care of her and her home on top of my own family and my own home. I almost gave up guardianship because I just couldn't do it anymore. Once she was in AL, I thought that would calm down but then AL staff called me all day long about this or that for a couple of weeks. It stressed me out and overwhelmed me to see their number pop up constantly. I eventually had to speak with the director and let them know to please not call me unless it was an emergency or something I needed to OK on. Because I had my own life, job, and family and it was a constant disruption to call about things I didn't need to be aware of.

I also came to terms with that just because she was my mom, didn't mean I had to visit her. My mom was also very verbally abusive and mean to me as a kid. She was terrible to me after my dad passed recently and it made me resent her even more. I still took care of her in regards to getting her care. I felt like I had to visit her in AL because I was the only child, but I finally accepted that it was making me more depressed even thinking about going there because I honestly just didn't have the energy.

If you decide to give up POA/Guardianship, you might feel guilty, but do it for your mental health. You have to take care of yourself at the end of the day, and don't let people guilt or manipulate you otherwise.

Hi there,

You are not alone. My mom is a narcissist and have spent a lifetime seeking her approval. Last fall, while still doing well (she just turned 92) I wanted to discuss with her and my two siblings the impending elder care issues, etc. I am only child that lives locally. I had been providing all "assisted living" (i.e., shopping, cooking, laundry, etc.) No one wanted to talk about it. However, the one decision that was made was to transfer her accumulated savings to my brother (out of state) because (I suppose as a male) he would be able to make good decisions (I'm a lawyer, he's not.) I didn't know she had done this unbeknownst to me. I found out after she fell in January and I had to deal with all of the aftermath being the only one here. Anyway, it was just a final straw to a lifetime of being thought of as "chopped liver" even though I'm tap dancing my heart out just to be viewed as the good girl. So..... I am struggling like you between being an empathetic daughter (she's now in nursing home and not very happy) and establishing the long overdue (but very necessary) boundaries I've needed to manage my life in balance (work, husband, adult child, friends, hobbies, volunteering, etc.) Take a breath, and a day at a time, and know that you are not alone. I feel those scars picked at, poked at, and that sometimes bleed, too. Keep your chin up and know that YOU matter and deserve to be happy and live your own life. She has lived hers and you are doing your best.

I am posting again to report that I am feeling much better about my situation thanks to all of you who posted powerful, compassionate and supportive replies. My former therapist is coming out of retirement to work with me on a short-term basis, boundaries are in place with Mom and I will implement the "mitzvah" idea as well as many other excellent strategies. Will keep POA for the time being and see how it goes. Many thanks and hugs to all of you. We will keep each other strong.

An update: Mom took a fall in the NH 10 days ago because she doesn't think she needs her walker. Staff are constantly reminding her and she receives PT 3x/wk to build muscle strength and improve balance. Anyway, she broke her arm, was in the hospital for 4 days and has since returned to NH. While she was in the hospital, I was on the phone 2x with doctors and multiple times with nursing staff and social workers; and also with NH staff to keep them informed. (As POA, the hospital would only release info to me.) arranged for her release. No problem...I thought I was doing all the right things and being compassionate as I listened to Mom's story and encouraged her, lifted her up and so on. In the meantime, my only sibling called her long-distance and she had nothing but negative things to say about myself and my husband.: We bring her all the wrong clothes, don't bring her snacks, don't call or visit her enough and that we are in "our own little world"...you get the picture! Just visited her at NHand she did nothing but complain. She's not eating well nor is she cooperating for PT/OT (now 5x/wk). and while there I met with her Nurse Mgr, Nurses, Social Worker, PT and Dietician. No gratitude whatsoever, and while with Mom, she was giving me orders about what she wanted and needed (she seemed well enough for that!). I am doing my best to balance her needs as well as my own, but the lies, manipulation and narcissism continue. I try to be a loving, caring daughter, but there is little to no reciprocation. Just venting - I have enough feedback, ideas and strategies to last a lifetime. Thanks for listening and hugs to all of you!