My father is 77 and I am 51. I’m an only child. My father lives alone in the same house he’s lived in for 50 years. It is NOT a safe environment for any senior - let alone someone like him who had back surgery 3 years ago, walks with a cane, and has a very unstable gate. For most of my life, my father was not a regular dad. My parents divorced when I was 5, and although I saw my dad every weekend until I went into high school, he was barely involved in my life. My father is also an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. 3 years ago, he underwent back surgery because he went from walking normal to walking wobbly, to not walking at all in a 3 week timeframe. The surgery was successful (he’s not paralyzed) but it definately had a severely negative effect on his quality of life. He has lost confidence, rarely drives, is angry most of the time, and barely does anything. He refuses to accept his physical condition as his new normal but does not do anything to fix it. He won’t try P/T, won’t use a walker, WON’T stop drinking, and is basically a recluse. His memory is spotty which I know makes him nervous but he really doesn’t admit that’s a problem either. Doctors visits are because I force him to go (and take him) but I am usually so embarrassed at his outbursts and rudeness while we’re in the waiting room. He calls me every day several times a day asking if I want to go to lunch - then do I want to go to dinner....then to say basically nothing at all. It's literally become like a life sentence for me. He doesn’t demand that I come down to visit him but he’s soooooo lonely and I feel like I should because he asks every day. I don’t want to push him away but I don’t want to enable the situation either. I’m completely at a loss but this has become my new full time job. I think he looks at me as a friend or a client or something! I don’t even know for sure that he thinks of me as his daughter (who has kids of her own and a life.) I dont know what to do or where to turn.... I can’t imagine my life staying like this. I worry all the time. What should I do?
I am now 2 yrs in of caring for him. My home is in VA and he is in CT, in my childhood home. The first yr I went back and forth and spent the whole winter with him. By spring I thought I was going to lose my mind. He would fight and resist me on everything, insist he could take care of himself (he couldn't) refuse any help, and generally be a nasty curmudgeon constantly. It was so draining. So I began to spend more time at home than with him. Then last Sept he fell and ended up with a spinal compression fracture and a fractured pelvis. I took this opportunity to take away his truck keys, which meant no more alcohol, but increased anger and nastyness to me. I also moved in with him FT as I could see no other option. But, it's killing me. His house is a moldy old new England colonial and I am very allergic. The stress of the situation and dealing with his narcissistic, petulant, abusive personality is affecting me in many ways. It will take me a long time to recover.
Right now I am in the process of placing him in a care facility. He will not like it but too bad. I have lost everything trying to care for him..my health, my wealth, my sanity, my relationship. Don't let this happen to you!!!! I wish I had found this forum earlier to help me understand that it was not my obligation to do this. He was a sh*tty, abusive father , and he still is.
In retrospect I realize that I should have just left him alone to live his life based on his choices. Yes, he may have hurt himself again. Yes, he may have fallen down and no one found him for days or weeks. He may have killed himself by not eating and drinking himself into oblivion. But I would still have my life.
Let me repeat myself and the words of others: YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO MAKE THE SH*TTY LIFE HE HAS CHOSEN BETTER!!! HE DOESNT DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION AND CARING. HE WILL NOT KNOW HOW TO APPRECIATE YOU. IT WILL DRAIN AND DESTROY YOU AND YOUR LIFE. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!!!
This is your opportunity to learn and practice boundary setting and tough love. I bet, like me, this is an important lesson for you. And like me I also bet you have spent your life seeking the love your father never gave you. I can guarantee you that choosing to take care of him, allowing him to continue to engage in his lifelong behaviors with you, and not disentangling yourself from him will NOT have you find that love either. LOVE YOURSELF INSTEAD.
I wish you the best in moving forward in a positive life affirming way that protects your life, your kids, and your sanity. Don't let any sense of guilt or obligation put you into an untenable situation you will regret. Feel free to reach out personally if you would like.
Blessings...
1. Alcohol abuse teaches a person to lie, manipulate, and know how to get what they want by any means necessary.
2. Alcohol abuse causes brain damage, or other medical problems that cause brain damage. After every surgical procedure, Dad got a little worse with memory, self-care and anger.
3. Assisted living will not work because they are not prisoners and can run amuck.
4. We could not make him do anything because even with a DPOA, a person has to be deemed incompetent before you can make them do anything.
5. You have to let him fail. All of us siblings agreed that we would put severe limits on our aid and assistance because he refused any outside services. He would not even let us clean, wash his clothes, or help him with medications.
All he wanted was to be able to call us anytime day or night and demand we take him to the store or bank, which was an opportunity for him to buy stuff to hoard and buy booze. He was shoplifting items in the store, and buying cases of pet food on sale. He does not have a pet.
So we said once every two weeks someone would take him to the bank or store. He refused to use the senior shuttle system, giving a variety of complaints.
So he did fail, after tons of drama, extra efforts at manipulation, and lots of verbal abuse. We knew he had brain damage, but there was really nothing we could do.
He got the evaluation during a hospital stay where all us siblings refused to take him home. I was able to get him transferred to a skilled nursing home. And apply for Medicaid, and my brother got guardianship of person. So Dad is now safe, clean, and we are able to breathe.
6. This is a long process, be strong. You owe yourself not him.
Everything about it is sad. Especially
since there is no hope that he will ever be anything other than what he is. He is not able to give you anything emotionally.
Save yourself. You can without giving up your heart and soul.
Or maybe a servant/friend. I've seen very rich isolated housewives turn their
housekeepers and gardeners into confidantes (I know because it's happened to
me and others I know). They have total control over relationship and because
they also have control over the individual's pay, the hired help is forced to play the part of an obsequious friend. There is no reciprocation. Neglectful and/or narcissistic parents try and form the same type of bond. I think. And punish or guilt trip you when you wont submit to their terms.
You can't care give someone out of this mindset, but you can die trying. As he's unsafe where he is, you should explore different living options for him. Worse comes to worse, report his situation to social services. But try and get him onboard first to live in a healthier environment with assistance.
He needs help, and there are not enough of you to provide it. In a care facility
there will be a small army of people to assist him. Not just you. It is really better for both of you.
So true!!!!
dysfunction for decades. I've seen very frail seniors living well into their 90's at
home and way past 100 in a facility. You could be stuck doing this for 20 years. No joke. It's not in either of your interests to do so. Each time he falls,
or forgets to eat, or stays shut in all day, he loses a little more of himself and
needs to take more of your life force to keep going. That's the reason a number
of caregivers die before the person they are care giving. They are quite literally transferring their life force into the other person so that they can keep going.
There are better solutions out there. For both of you. Living a lonely shut in life
mired in alcohol, and dependent on one person, that isn't good for him either.
You are doing a great job! Don't forget that.
I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I feel like I am my parents only social outlet. Aside from work... They didn't cultivate many friendships and now... They are retired. In addition... Obnoxious. (obsessed with politics) Sorry. There, I said it.
So for friends...Welp, they have me. I am in the same town. (and I could care less about politics! Or watching the 24/7 news channels 24/7...)
I had to decide how much time I am willing to spend. And so do you. I have to say....your going three times a week and being a hour away is definitely plenty! I try to see my parents once a week. And try to call them a few times in between. Is it possible to not answer all his calls? Would you worry if you didn't? You can listen to his messages immediately and decide about when you will be calling back. You could have some stock things ready.... Sorry dad, I'm cooking dinner. If you are okay? I'll talk to you later. Or, I'm coming tomorrow, we can talk then.
Type or write out a few things you can say. Then practice. Sometimes we get into the habit of letting them keep yakking when we need to go!
I tell myself it isn't my fault that my parents don't have friends. I will say the same to you. It isn't your fault that he doesn't have friends.
And I will tell you again, you are doing a great job!
Hugs.
Sparkles
Sounds like my Father apart from the alcohol and he is much older(92) and now in care facility.
Believe me I understand. Like you tried everything to help him but he refused to do anything to help himself. He thought he knew best. All carers,doctors,physios, mental health team,nurses,the list is endless were hopeless according to him. I now realise what he wanted was a personal slave to do exactly what he wanted without question. I had to wait or a crisis when he was in hospital to get him in care as he's a complete refuser. I have power of attorney which is a must or they can do what they like. Mental health doctor and hospital doctor deemed he had not capacity to make decisions about his wellbeing so I could decide. He was not eating, washing,going out. Sat all day with curtains shut but refused to believe anything wrong. He's still at it demanding to get home and says being kept in care against his will . It upset me at first but you have to make yourself toughen up. For your sake and well being. I can now just walk away when he starts. It's taken me years to get to this stage. I still love him and care about him but I am not allowing him to bring me down or take over my life. What a rant. Hope it helps
I agree you do not need to answer your phone every time he calls. That’s why we have voicemail. So what if he doesn’t like it. You decide when to pick up the phone. I and many others here have had to do that with our parents. Even the sound of my dad's personal ring tone would give me anxiety so if it was evening I would block his number. He was in AL so I knew he had help if needed.
You must do what you can to protect yourself and not enable. You can learn these skills through Al Anon. Report back. We care!!
The solution is that he can choose to go to AA and join the thousands who have, with God's and one anothers' help and encouragement, faced their reality and "hit bottom" and stopped drinking one day at a time...
There is also an organization called Al-Anon which is for loved ones of Alcoholics. There are no dues or fees....Loved ones often suffer as much or more than the alcoholic.. I urge you to consider going...You will be made welcome immediately. You will find them in most every town of any size...My own town of 75,000 has seven or eight meetings at various places each week... You will be amazed at how these folks have learned to cope with their loved ones alcohol problems.
Meanwhile, I also urge you to find the courage to tell him you are only going to visit him (choose your number) times a week unless he stops drinking. Offer to take him to an AA meeting. If he says he is not an alcoholic, or that he can quit anytime he wants to, but does not want to, or that he likes to drink, or that if anyone was in his situation they would drink too, or tat he "isn't as bad" as many others, or will switch to just beer, tell him to have it his way, and just do not see him so often....Do not attempt to say "You are an alcolholic" or argue with him about it... No one but the problem drinker can stop the drinking.....It cannot be done. You must stop letting him lean on you so long as he is boozing. I wish you well....
Grace + peace,
Bob, a recovered alcoholic
I
Anabox