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Annabox, when you start going to Al-Anon you will learn that alcoholics are wonderful manipulators and your dad knows how to push your buttons. Al-Anon is a wonderful way to help you and you'll learn to recognize the manipulations. Good luck.
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DO NOT give up your life.  Your dad made his bed and will now have to lie in it.  You can assist but do not let yourself be manipulated.  It will be hard but you will need to learn to say no, mean it and take care of yourself.  Or you will continue to be more resentful, full of rage, with high blood pressure and a host of other ailments.  These older folks can hang on forever - look now into assisted living or a healthcare worker to help bathe, cook, clean and whatever else he needs.  He needs to look into selling his house and getting into a senior living environment.  Good luck!
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bigsun Sep 2018
Perfect
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Wow, we have a lot of elders out there abusing alcohol! I thought my situation was unique. When I try to explain it to people they don't have a clue. I don't know anyone personally who's parents are like mine!
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Dear Annabox,
My father was a raging alcohol almost his entire adult life. He died the day after Christmas 1996, suffering from alcoholism and other related medical issues. He was a Policeman for 30yrs, suspended three times, the guys would put him in the back seat and drive him around for his entire tour of duty. Yet he was decorated three times over the years for heroism saving other citizens lives. He was not willing to do anything to treat his alcoholism. He was also abetted by my stepmother who insisted beer and wine were not alcohol. He made the decision not to do anything to save his own life.
I learned at a very young age from my RN mother that he had to make an effort to save himself. I was also taught that yes, we could pray for him, yes occasionally visit him. The number of times he promised to meet us at the park and watch us ice skate, come to see us play in Little League were innumberable. His final suspension came two days before my high school graduation. Dad didn't show up again. I decided to give him a wide berth and limited the time I visited with him and allowed my children to visit with him. I would call him only two or three times a year, usually he'd be full in the bag and raging. Fortunately for me there was 400 miles separating us.
I encourage you to take the tough love position. He wants to behave like a child, remember he is not your child. Focus on your own husband and children. Give them all the love and attention they need. Let them know when they are old enough to understand, the genetic component of alcoholism and how it could effect them. How it has affected you.
Most importantly, make plans for your senior years. Talk to your children about how you want to be cared for, appoint a DPOA, prepare Medical Directives, Wills, or form a Trust for your property to be distributed from. This will save
a lot of trouble for your children.
We have made all of these plans for my DW and I. I was diagnosed with early onset Dementia/Prob ALZ 2 1/2 years ago. Now, my DW and I are enjoying our lives to the fullest with little to worry about the future. We've made the plans.
Please, I know it is hard, but you and your DH deserve to focus on yourselves and your children. Time is short, don't continue to allow yourselves to be captive, to someone who won't help themselves. Pray for your Dad, I still pray for mine, 22yrs after his death, that is something big you can do, on your own time. I will pray for you and your family's emotional and physical help.

Final comment. We've always told our children, we are your father and mother not your friend. We should all have our own friends and spouses, parents can't be both. They will thank you later. Our adult children have said thank you to us for making that distinction.
God Bless you all.
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Harpcat Sep 2018
What a great response! Peace my friend.
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Annabox, just read through your story plus much excellent advice you’ve been given here. It’s always surprising to see how many have walked a similar path, and they care enough to be here practically begging you to be bold enough to change your life and quit being sucked down with this mess. You have to know your dad isn’t changing, I really hope you will
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Hi, sorry to hear about this experience. If I could have gone back in time I would have me appointed Guardian, and thus him incompetent. This will hurt, but at a bird's eye view, seems very humane, as he might end up hurting himself alone in that house. I would have the house sold and the proceeds to it go to a new one story place with services, like a residence that has other seniors in it but with their own private home within the home, if they have them there, or near to you, you would be actually helping him and not having your life force eaten away in the process. Yes, he is lonely, he has no social skills, obviously, yes he is depending on alcohol to wile away the hours until his death, probably depressed. He is going to try to get into your life more and more as he may not have any social skills and is probably aware he has no way of making friends at this stage, his dependence on booze, according to Gabor Mate and addiction talks he has on YouTube, seem to be a cry for a lot of hugs and reassurance.....I don't see him improving social skills unless he is signed up for some kind of a program where intergenerational contact is part of a program, like, with little children (some senior homes near a daycare for example, who are collaborating and having weekly visits) or home visits with a pet, so that he has some kind of companionship for some days of the week outside of family. There is a Meal on Wheels service we have here, where they visit seniors who live alone and spend lunch with them bringing them food for a small fee. As again, he owns a home, selling it would give him the resources that can be used for caregivers who would come in and take care of him for a few hours a day. Every day, and then you could visit him once or twice a week when you are relaxed and in the mood to help out. I would however get cameras set up in his unit or new home.... so that you keep everyone honest. I personally have trust issues when it comes to hired caregivers coming into your home. That's just me though.
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Jasmina Sep 2018
Wow your area has a great meals on wheels program. I volunteered for awhile. We had a ton of hot meals to deliver, and just had time to drop off the meal/s.
No time for socializing but for a few mins. We never ate lunch with the residents. I'd have 50 lunches to eat. Some people were friendly and welcoming. A lot were happy to be left to their own devices. They were usually crumbly and annoyed with life.
I did report some things but it fell on deaf ears I think. Or they just notitlfied the family. Most of the elderly I delivered to should have been in AL, where more eyes were upon them for safety reasons.
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If I could go back in time, I would have had myself appointed guardian, I am in Canada, so I do not know if you have something similar, when someone is incompetent to make decisions and such. I would have sold the house and moved him into a smaller easier to handle abode, if he is adamat about living in his own dwelling, I might find a very safe one story place and with the proceeds of the original house sale, would have some services come to the home daily to take care of his needs so that YOU do not have to do it all.
He would protest, I am sure but the choices have to be made clear, and in writing or much like in that movie 50 Dates, that would repeat the choices to him so that he can't say "he don't remember" what you said or planned. Seriously, drunks are everywhere, and the worst thing any human, bad or good could go through is solitary confinement. Choices or not, you can't expect that an old man is going to have to fall one more time before he is presented with his final choices, good or bad. He has no choice if you took over and set it up so that he was watched via camera for security, letting him know you know he is safe, and also, having other people outside of the family come to help him, to alleviate your burden.
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