How can I get my spouse to understand that my mother in law's home is a fall hazard?

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How can I get my spouse to understand that my mother in law's home is a fall hazard?

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Hello,
We live with my 85 year old mother in law. She has a lot of health issues and is very set in her ways about how her house is. She has a lot of rugs, and one rug is clear plastic. It is not stable, and moves when we walk on it. I have tripped on this rug about 4 times so far. He says there is nothing to stick on the back of it. I told him that I have already tripped and sprained my foot, and his response was to be more careful. We have been arguing about this. My MIL placed the rug there and I guess he is afraid to bring it up to her to remove it.
Also, MIL had home health aide come to the house and the nurse mentioned to her that the rugs were a fall hazard a few months ago, but the rugs are still there. How can I make my husband and MIL understand how dangerous these rugs are, as she could fall next?

Fall Prevention Family Caregiver Mobility

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I bought this round IKEA rug home once. DH hated it because of the shape.

After he tripped on it once, he rolled it up & told me it was now in the garage if I wanted to see it! It could only come back if securely taped down.

I liked the rug but valued him more ☺️ so I threw the rug out.

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Remove the scatter rugs and plastic runners asap, she will trip eventually and YOU will end up with all the extra work. Husband has already told you that you need to be more careful after injuring yourself on the rugs, nice sympathy. If the complain tell them you need to get them up because you want to deep clean living areas which will include main carpet cleaning service coming in. Stash throw rugs in basement or attic and do not replace after carpet is cleaned. Don't want to put them on clean carpet till you can get them cleaned too, looking for most reliable company with the most affordable prices (area and throw rugs usually need to be brought to a facility to be cleaned properly) Go thru rest of the house for other safety hazards and remediate them too. (Grab bars in shower, declutter, pitch expire canned goods, check meds for expiration dates, ect.) She may harp because that's the way she is, tough love needed sometimes. I will not allow you to be severely injured if there is anything I can do to stop it from happening in the first place. Telling your husband that he would be the one who has to care for her if she falls is like spitting in the wind, not going to happen will be your problem not his. MIL (who moved in with us) fell and broke upper arm when with her daughter, her balance was off due to sling immobilizing her arm, needed help with pants to use bathroom. Told MIL to call my cellphone if she needed to use bathroom in the night. First night I heard her get out of bed (I purposely stayed up later than usual) went in her room to assist her, asked why she didn't call me, eh I can do it, no she couldn't, told her fine you don't want to follow the rules, I'll make sure she has help when needed. Proceeded to put blanket and pillow on the floor in her room after getting her back in bed. Told her if she didn't want to call for help she'd have to step on my head, solved that problem, called a couple times a night after that. Never did have to sleep on the floor but I would have. They are stubborn and set in their ways, if your husband is too afraid to step up and do what NEEDS to be done for his mother's safety you need to. 4 words, NOT on my watch. Other thing is a home safety assessment ask her home health aide she may know what is available., ie senior services etc. Good luck, you are going to need it.

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You may have to wait for one of them to trip and, hopefully, not fall. They do make rug tape that might help.

Does MIL shuffle her feet when she walks? If so, tell hubby to drag his feet as he walks over the edge of the rug a couple of times so he can see how a shoe or toe could catch the edge and trip him. What did MIL say when nurse mentioned it to her? Maybe have the nurse bring it up again with an example of someone who fell, broke their hip, and never got around good again.

The other thing may be to relocate area rugs to places where MIL doesn't walk all the time. She still sees her rug but not likely to trip on it.

And for a little on the devious side - you could fake a fall of your own when neither of them in the area. Fold the rug over a little and start hollering for hubby to help you get up. Say - that's it, the rugs are gone before me or one of you gets killed. Limp around for a little while and see if that drives the point home to him and maybe her, too

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Good grief. Sometimes someone has to step up and not be afraid to make an executive decision.
You might just have to explain to your husband your concerns and tell him you are going to make necessary safety modifications.
With my mother, no one ever wanted to make her disgruntled, so if they suggested making changes for the sake of safety, she'd always say "no", they'd just throw up their hands as though they had no power.
Puhleez!! She says "no" to EVERYTHING, unless it's going to McDonald's for ice cream. Lol.
I basically told them they were being chickenchit and I made necessary safety modifications. I mean what she gonna do?
No, she didn't like it at first, but she got used to it.
When she asked (fifty times), "what happened to that rug that was here?" My answer every time was, "I put it away because I don't want you to trip over it and hurt yourself."
Then eventually the question became, "Didn't there used to be a rug here?" My reply always, "Yes, when I was little."
Soon after, she never asked anymore.
Make your answers or reasons simple and the same every time.

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I adore your backbone, common sense and your wicked sense of humor! Your post made me smile. 😊

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Imho, remove the scatter rugs immediately as they are a trip hazard and that is well known to all elder care providers. Healing broken bones is far WORSE than dealing with someone being upset. I say "no" to any remediation of the problematic rug. It must be removed from the home stat.

True story - My late mother broke her femur on a scatter rug and it wasn't at HER home.

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Just go through the house and safety proof it - without permission or notice. Because if she falls and hurts herself, dealing with the consequences will fall disproportionately on you.

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MsRandall: Great response!

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First of all, you can buy a double sided tape. I have beautiful area rugs (and I can't walk) so I double taped them onto the carpet underneath. Health hazard is now removed and the rugs look great. Second, if he refuses to remove them, tell him he is going to completely responsible if she falls.

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Double sided tape. There's actually a type made for rugs. Quick trip to the hardware store and you're all set and don't need to die on this particular hill!

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I know this will sound like a crazy solution and will cause an uproar of some sort, but what if, mysteriously, the plastic rug should simply disappear. and not be found. You can take the blame, but suggest that everyone just see how mother-in-law manages without it. Is she in more danger? Is it causing some difficulty for her to walk without it? She will be upset, but can you endure this and will she remain so forever? Will your husband forgive you? I don't know your family dynamics, but with MIL in danger, would this not be worth a few temporary risks to family harmony?

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If your spouse doesn't heed advice of professionals (social workers, medical), this denial might be met with an injury to your MIL. This sounds so very sad to realize - and how deep denial runs - for family and elder - and all too often nothing is done until something happens.
* Do NOT wear yourself out 'trying' to convince spouse (as this is a trap many fall into);
* Unfortunately, we cannot 'make' anyone (do anything) / understand potential health risks if they are not open to listening.
* If you spraining YOUR foot didn't do it, I don't know what can - to get your spouse to see the light - and the potential danger HE is putting his mother in.
* You might ask him to read these responses. It takes you a bit out of the equation.

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My suggestion would be to remove them yourself. When my mother had fallen (outside of the home at someplace else), before she could come home, they advised that all throw rugs be removed. we did it and even if my mother would have thrown a fit, they would have still been removed. You might want to tell your MIL that if she falls and gets hurt, she will end up in NH and probably won't be able to come home. AND since YOU have fallen and your hubby doesn't seem to show care, maybe you should find a small apartment for yourself and let him handle his mother. I bet it wouldn't be long before things would change. I know I sound harsh, but what IF you fall and break a leg or hip...then what? who is going to handle everything. Of course, I am sure that IF your hubby fell on that plastic rug (never heard of them) it would be gone in a heartbeat. Wishing you luck and don't fall...

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Try the "sending out to clean" gambit or "take them up for the season" gambit to "freshen up the look of her home. Once they are out of sight, they will probably be out of mind.

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My MIL lives on the opposite coast, but on a visit I tried to get her to remove the throw rugs. She became hostile and said “you just have to know how to walk right.”

After the first fall, BIL tried to get the rugs away from her and he was also unsuccessful. She did not have dementia but she “got her Johnny Bull up” over this issue.

In the second fall she broke her ankle. This got her into assisted living where she belonged. Not in a run down apartment with a negligent landlord and a dangerous snowy staircase she couldn’t get down anymore.

The dear lady is 99, very frail, and down to 73 lbs. She’s holding out for 100 so she can get on television as she’s been trying to do since she was a flirty, Clairol dark auburn (she still keeps this up even in her quarantined nursing home) girl.

The woman has an iron will. She’s even outlived two of her children. I think she’s gonna make it.

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I hope she makes it to 100!

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Tell husband and MIL you’re taking rugs outside to clean/wash. After a few days throw them away b/c they probably won’t be missed. If they are mentioned you could say...oops I guess they’re still outside I haven’t had time to get to them.

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Safety first always, throw the rugs away. Let her be mad. Anyone will tell you throw rugs and runners are a big fall risk for the elderly not to mention any of us!

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Maybe try Alien Tape. Stick it down.
If you fall, who will take care of you?
There are professional people that can evaluate your home for hazards. From the moment they drive up they look over your home inside and out for safety problems. They suggest
a “File of Life” be posted on the fridge. This is medical history so that if the ambulance is called they can evaluate the situation faster. They will also install grab bars at the correct height. I heard this from an online group Care Partners
How to stay living in your own home. 4 steps.
Maybe AARP could direct you to a service like this.

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Just came to me, the way they walk. As they age its more of a shuffle. So much easier to catch that edge and down they go. Me personally am afraid of a fall. I find I do better with no shoes on. Just my bear feet when in the house. I have 3 flights of stairs, 6 stairs each flight.

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My MIL was the consummate perfect showplace house person. Professional decorator and all. As a result there were a ton of unnecessary things all over their house after she passed away that FIL deemed had to stay where they were. But they were causing problems. The biggest of these was all of the little runners she had in every hall - on top of carpet, so the edges wouldn't stay down. Larger rugs in carpeted rooms with the same problem. Even our kids were catching the edges and falling. And at the time FIL was living there alone. So we rolled them all up and put them in the attic. He yelled about it at first but we just told him that it was dangerous and unsafe and they weren't coming back out. He never missed them and eventually forgot about them.
The clear plastic rug, is that a rug/carpet protector? Get rid of it. It probably only has the little plastic points on the bottom that are supposed to grab the carpet to hold it in place and if it isn't safe, there really isn't a need for it anyway.

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I agree about the rugs. Even seniors who don’t have dementia can be ridiculous over dangerous rugs that are trip hazards. After begging, explaining, and politely insisting that my mother remove the trip hazards, I took action in her home by throwing them away, I said I did it for ALL of our protection...my parents and me....I was even tripping on them. I bought some lovely decorative pillows for the living room and new shower curtain to make up for it and my mom was fine with it.

I’m not sure why so many seniors can’t appreciate that one fall can mean hip fracture, surgery, rehab, and maybe nursing home. How can a flimsy little rug be worth the risk? It boggles the mind.

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Remove the clear plastic rug. When they ask about it say it was an accident waiting to happen and I removed it. The other rugs, I bought some liquid rug backing from Hobby Lobby. It helped tremendously and the rugs stay put.
If not then let nature take its course and whomever will fall and get hurt. But not you because you are being careful. Then your husband can be the one that is responsible and stop being coward around his mom.

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You don't. You do what you need to do to make the house safe and that is the long and short of it.

You are a caregiver and you do not need permission from anyone to do what is in the best interest of everyone's safety.

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Start with rug tape. It holds rugs down firmly to the floor. Use it under all the edges the entire length and breadth of the rugs, and it'll keep even the edges from coming up. It works extremely well.

I use rug tape on all the rugs in my house, including the small one in front of my kitchen sink.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07H88SWCM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fab_RkMFFbPSWSMRG

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Thank you! Read several reviews and am ordering it; review says cats can't shove and flip the rugs, so will work great here!

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I have a friend that is in this situation. Every time she told her mother in law that she wanted to change her environment to keep her safe, the mother in law responded by saying, “You are getting the house when I die. When I am dead and gone then you can change it to your liking. I am not dead yet!”

My friend’s solution now is that she completely ignores her mother in law and allows her husband to handle it. She says if she falls she will end up in the ER and maybe then she will learn.

Her mother in law doesn’t dare speak to her son like that though. She still tells him not to change anything but she says it nicely to him. She’s a person that only goes after women. She would never go after a man. No dementia. She is just controlling.

It has caused quite a strain in my friend’s marriage. At one time she thought about divorcing her husband over his mom but feels like her mother in law may be dying soon since she is in her 90’s. She says she is staying out of spite now because her mother in law hates her.

Everyone has to do what they feel is best but it is a miserable life pleasing a stubborn mother in law.

Fortunately, I did not have that problem. I had a wonderful mother in law. She was a lovely woman.

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Only the good die young...

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I imagine your MIL has put down a clear plastic rug to protect the floor underneath, yes? It can't be there for warmth or aesthetics, surely.

It's no good talking to your husband about this. Afraid or not, he clearly is reluctant to tell his mother what to do.

But what does your MIL say about the nurse's advice, or when she sees you (and presumably others) being skittled over like ninepins? Does she tut? Does she say oh dear? Have a nice trip? Is she blithely unaware that this is a real problem?

I agree that it is a case of her house her rules, but there may be approaches which will carry more weight with her and gain her agreement to removing or at least re-siting her rugs.

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So where is the line drawn when the homeowner has dementia and cannot he reasoned with? There has to be a line drawn somewhere when it comes to safety hazards. MIL has dementia, it’s not like she has sound judgement anymore. Since it’s her house, her rules, I guess she can also block all the doors with furniture if she wants? Leave the stove on? Have access to matches? Be allowed to drive?

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If your MIL is no longer competent than sorry I disagree that “MILs house, MILs rules”. Because if her dementia, all safety hazards should be removed. Including dangerous rugs. You can’t reason with her because of her dementia. So she no longer gets to make ALL the rules. You’re responsible for her safety now that you are living there and caring for her. So I agree with the advice to remove the rugs.

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What is it about that generation an throw rugs. I was told by a man I worked with, former rug salesman, that they actually ruin a carpet. My Mil had them from the front door to the back door.

Sorry, but its MILs house, MIL rules. You aren't going to change her mind because she is set in her ways and second you can't reason with someone who suffers from Dementia.

What you need to do is have the Nurse talk to your husband about the dangers. If MIL ends up in ER and the cause is a rug, let him go and sit with her and deal with ER. Bet those rugs come up.

Maybe you can start one at a time. See if she notices it missing. If she does, tell her you are washing it. If she asks again, say its drying. This will work if she has lost the ability to know one day from the other.

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The suggestion to take them away one at a time was going to be my suggestion, with "answers" for each missing item. The plastic one needed cleaning. It's drying. It's cracked, will need another. Whatever you come up with! The others should disappear, one at a time. Cleaning, frayed, stained, whatever excuses.

Same for hubster - him telling OP to be more careful is just plain stupid for a response. Sure, she can be "mindful" that these are hazards, but HIS mother can't/won't. If HIS mother falls and breaks a hip, WHO is going to be responsible for that AND take care of her????? I would ask the nurse to brow beat this dummy, until he gets it. Pamphlets, documents, word of mouth to his face, pictures, if possible, of the resulting injuries.

But, don't count on him or wait for him to get it. Toss them (or if need be store them in a place neither will look!) one at a time, over time so it isn't quite as noticeable, have excuses for MIL as to where they are and why they haven't returned until she forgets about them. Depending on her level of dementia, out-of-sight generally leads to out-of-mind. It did for my mother - 9 mo in MC, she forgot about her condo and returning to it, but then focused on the previous residence! Not seeing my brothers led to her no longer asking about them. Haven't been allowed to visit since mid-March, so hopefully she still remembers me!!!

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First of all, you sound like the voice of reason in your home.

I am sorry that you have tripped on these rugs. I agree that they are heath hazards.

When my mom had home health the head nurse and the physical and occupational therapists did a walk through in our home to point out what could be a potential danger. It is their job to alert the family of hazards.

I understand that your mother in law is set in her ways. Unfortunately, that is common for certain people to resist change.

What’s up with your husband? I don’t like that he told you to be more careful to avoid tripping again.

Has your mother in law fallen? Is that why she had home health? Has your husband fallen on those ‘plastic’ rugs?

I am not hoping that your husband will fall. I am not a malicious person, not even with foolish people but if he would fall he would see for himself that your home isn’t safe.

Sadly, some people see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. Nothing you say will convince them.

I suppose it may take a serious accident for something to change. I hope not but your husband and mother in law are being stubborn.

Best wishes to you and your family.

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An alternative to lealonnie's answer. Buy a big roll of duct tape and tape down all edges. It will look terrible and the tape will have to be replaced regularly, but it should keep the rungs in place.

Since when is clear plastic a rug?

We have a vacation rental. I buy new bath mats each season. The ones I bought last year slid all over the ceramic tiles in the bathroom. I had no idea. Luckily the first guests of the season told me. Yet the same rugs did not more on the laminate flooring. So I used them as door mats.

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Here's what you do: You remove the rugs yourself and throw them in a dumpster somewhere far away from the house or donate them, if they're in decent condition. When asked about these rugs, well gee, you donated them to Goodwill or ARC because you fell over them for the LAST TIME.

Your MIL is very very fortunate to have you living with her. She has to make some compromises in order for you to CONTINUE living with her and helping her, and that includes saying sayonarra to hazardous rugs and any other hazardous things that are lying around.

You can't make a man 'understand' much of anything when it comes to his mother, it seems to me. So stop trying, and just do what YOU have to do to ensure a safe living environment for everyone. If DH doesn't like it, then he can agree to move you BOTH out of there and into a nice home which YOU can decorate as you see fit.

Good luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them! You are entitled to have a voice and to use it!

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THIS! So much THIS!
When MIL is asleep, get that clear thing and haul it away.

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How can I get my spouse to understand that my mother in law's home is a fall hazard?

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