How can mom live on a $45 per month stipend after facility/Medicaid absorbs her SS income?

Time to switch to a different mode. If you're taking her to a restaurant or bringing fast-food meals, start making extra when you cook for yourself and freeze it to take to her when you visit. Shop for items she needs in thrift stores (some merchandise will be new with tags, donated by a store, if you prefer not to buy used). Haircuts might be found at a local beauty school, where students cut hair for a reduced price. I don't know what Medicaid thinks about how much is left over for a person to live on. I doubt if they think about it at all. It's Medicare's mission to provide a low-cost care facility for those who have no means to pay for private care, and that's what they do. Nothing else. I'm sure it's very hard on you, and good luck.

It's doable but some sacrifices would need to be made. How much do you think mom would need, with room, and board, utilities and food being covered? As for food, they may offer little to save money and also to cut down on any waste.

As Fawnby mentioned you could bring in what you felt mom would need and that the monthly allowance she gets would not cover.

Your panic attacks aren't going to change anything so try not to get worked up over it. Yes, this is how it really is. Welcome to the wonderful world of Medicaid-friendly care facilities. This is how it is. These places are basically a storage facility for old people. In some states people can keep $60 a month of their income because technically a person in a care facility doesn't have to live on it because the facility meets their basic needs of food, shelter, clothing, medical/hygiene care.
Fawnby makes excellent suggestions. Look for clothing at thrift stores. Look online for any local beautician schools and ask if the students offer reduced-price haircuts to care facility residents.
Shop in bulk for food items that your mother can keep in her room like snacks, fruit, if the facility allows it. This will make up if she's not getting enough to eat with the meal portions.
Whatever you do, don't allow her $45 a month to go into her in-resident account. The facility will screw her on that money. You keep that money back and spend it on her snacks and soap and anything else she may need. It won't cover it all, but at least it's something. Letting the nursing home have it will mean she gets nothing.

Indigo108, when my Mom moved into a Nursing Home, she came there with the clothes that she already had at home. I saw no need to purchase any new items. I brought her robe back home as she didn't need it, as the Staff would make sure the patients are dressed before breakfast.

As for the nursing home meals, talk to the Staff. Everyone's cooking style is different. I never brought in restaurant carry-out for my Mom, I wanted her to get use to eating what the nursing home served. Now, my Mom had late stage dementia, so her needs were different compared to others in the nursing home, she never noticed what she ate.

We also must remember that Medicaid is taxpayer funded, thus you and I both are paying. In order to give the patients more in stipends, the State would need to cut corners somewhere else or either raise taxes. I am glad that Medicaid is available for those who need it.

Have you talked with the facility about her not getting enough food? They can provide her with extra if she isn't being filled up by the quantities provided. She should be getting snacks 3xs a day as well.

If buying her clothes is a problem, ask if the facility has a clothes closet, everyone I have ever seen has one.

Realistically, once she is set up, you aren't buying blankets, slippers, robes, shoes, clothing every month. She doesn't need a haircut every month, she doesn't need food delivered all the time. She or you may want those things but, the reality is, you nor she can afford all these extras, how do you meet her NEEDS is the reality you now face.

Did she not have a wardrobe before placement? No shoes, robes, slippers, blankets? I am just curious why she would need so much stuff.

I hope you can let go and stop stressing about what can't be changed. Just because she wants something doesn't mean it can be provided for her. Speak with the facility and get her larger quantities, nobody should have to be hungry.

Unless all her personal items have vanished I am sure she has shoes, pants, tops, pj's, blankets, body soap, hand soap, shampoo and a whole host of other items that can be brought with her.
As far as supplies like briefs (aka diapers) wipes, ointments, gloves those will be a constant purchase (unless she is on Hospice then they will provide those items as well as some will also provide personal items like shampoo and soap)
Since clothing seeps to vanish in care facilities despite having names on items purchase outer wear at resale shops. Resale shops are great places for blankets as well. (Personal opinion but I would not buy underwear at a resale unless it was packaged new item and I would be cautious about shoes just because of the possibility of warts or fungi that might be transmitted..maybe I'm odd)
Haircut is not a monthly expense. When it was no longer possible to get my Husband into a chair to get his hair cut I learned quickly that I could cut his hair and it was passable.
I think you need to reassess what "things" are Wants and what things are Needs and what are Vital items. Make your purchases based on importance.

Oh, I just thought of this...many areas have "Diaper Banks" where donated pull up, tab briefs, pads, wipes are donated and distributed to those that need them. So if you need help with that check your local Senior Center and ask if they have a "Diaper Bank"

She should be glad she is on Medicaid and getting her nursing home paid by the taxpayers. What she needs and what she wants are not the same thing. Ask the facility about giving her more food. The nursing homes I was in provided all toiletries. Did your mother not have clothes at home to bring with her?

Mom just passed away and all her clothes were donated to a NH (or more likely, to several) for that exact purpose, of having a little 'closet' where residents could 'shop'.

She also had enough paper products to last her a year, lotions, soaps, hair stuff, the list goes on. We could have completely stocked a small NH with her stuff.

You could also share this info with family members who go visit. Have them ask her if she'd like some treat when they come to visit. Mom, who could barely eat, would pound down a QP w/ cheese, fries and a large shake and we'd just sit there and look at her in amazement. Even just bringing in a bag of snacks is a nice break.

Yes. $45 a month is crazy small---but again, as has been said, Medicaid is gov't run and it's one place they don't overspend!

My parents in law had ‘small portion’ problems with Meals on Wheels. They didn’t want the soup or the desert, only the middle course. Could that be an issue for your mother too? And you really need to find that dietician!

Because your mother had so little clothing and bedding through past problems, wherever she went (even God Forbid into your home) she would have needed some of the things that are now costing a lot. Let's hope that it settles down as it all comes clear.

Indigo, are you local to mom?

If you are, I recommend going to the facility at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Speak to everyone you can about portions. She isn't going to get a special diet unless it is ordered by her doctor but, she should be getting enough.

I know how hard facility placement is and I wanted everything just so for my dad. The reality was that I had to learn to accept good enough and fill in the blanks myself.

Your mom has been declared incompetent to be placed against her will. That means she isn't functioning on all cylinders and anything she tells you should be verified.

My dad said it was awful, staff said it was great and the reality was in the middle. Watching my dad when he wasn't aware of my presence showed me the truth of the situation. You should try this to give yourself firm facts.

I know it is tempting to outfit her completely but, I would encourage you to go slow and see what is really needed.

Sounds like a tough situation, rest easy knowing she is at least safe and fed for now. Breathe and don't jump to her rescue. This is a Marathon not a sprint, even though it feels that way now.

You can do this! Great big warm hug full of strength for you!

She shouldn't need any more, the taxpayers are footing the bill for her care. She doesn't need an extensive wardrobe at her age. Every resident complains about nursing home food, so I'd just ignore that. It's the easiest thing to blame and try to guilt trip you with. She won't starve.

My experience with LTC

My Mom had more than enough clothes but the turnaround was 3 days. Her name should be inside the clothes put there by the laundress. Any new clothes I did bring in went right to the laundress to tag. I took pictures of everything I took in. If I was missing something, I asked the laundress to look for them and they usually showed up. Socks were the worst so I bought a dozen of them from a local flea market.

"As far as supplies like briefs (aka diapers) wipes, ointments, gloves" these do not need to be supplied in a nursing home. I actually had a hard time getting them to use the toiletries I brought in. I had a special brush to keep Moms hair from flying away and they kept using those plastic bristle things. I found 3 in her drawer, 2 in pkgs. I took them out to the desk and told the nurse I left a note asking them to use these what I left that was sitting right on Moms side table. Your Moms toothpaste, soap and shampoo should be provided by them. Diapers and wipes definitely. I am sure I got a list of items provided. Ask if they have one. The only time I had to supply diapers, wipes and toiletries was in the AL. Gloves were provided by the AL for their staff.

The $45 is from Moms SS. That is what the State allows. Yes, it will probably only cover a haircut and NHs usually have someone come in one a week or so. The one my Mom was in, allowed your own stylist to come in. Make sure that comforter has her name on it. Shoes, use a permanent marker and put her name in the inside on the sides. Mom had 3 pair in different colors but the aides always grabbed the black. Should be something to get in and off easily and comfortable.

A couple of times Mom had strange tops in her closet with her name in them. First time I took the top to the desk and said this was not my Moms. The second time I was told that if a staff member finds a donated item they think that Mom could wear they pull it out for her. Neither top was something my Mom would ever wear. And she had nine outfits in total. I kept her top and pants together on the same hanger. At first I washed her clothes after a week leaving 2 outfits behind. No need to supply my Mom with clothing. But, as said, u may want to take advantage of the donations. If u weren't there thats exactly what they would do. And thrift shops. The NH should be supplying sheets, pillows and towels.

My daughter says they give too much food in the NHs she has worked. The State tells them what proportions they need to give them. She says there is a lot of waste.

All I can say is Mom probably has it better than she has for quite a while. At least u know she is safe. The Hospital found she was an "unsafe" discharge. I wouldn't look at is as "against her will, I would look at it as she was saved from herself.

Ask her social worker if there are any grants she might be entitled to. She came in to the facility with nothing but the clothes she wore, by the sound of it, so there might be help available to cover what most people would consider the very basic possessions.

Your mother isn’t living on $45 a month. Her housing, food and care are being paid by the taxpayer. $45 a month is ‘pocket money’.

Indigo, your profile doesn’t suggest that your mother isn’t capable of tracking down the dietician herself. M is in the facility all the time, it should be easier for her than for you. The dietician needs to know IF the food ‘has made her sick/diarrhea’, which seems unlikely. You shouldn’t be buying her take-away food.

You clearly have a difficult mother, but don’t get angry at everyone else! Perhaps the place doesn’t live up to her expectations (or yours). I don’t have hand soap in our own bathroom, only handwash. And I usually wear OpShop clothes, for recycling principles as well as for more choice for my body shape. You’ve said nothing about the care, only the food and the money. What standards did you expect?

You say that M ‘was transferred to this facility by a hospital against her will’. If she walks out and goes back to ‘hotels and shelters and worse’, it will be her choice. Don’t blame everyone else, and please don’t do the panic attacks. It sounds as though you have felt driven in the past by M’s behavior and complaints, and you could usefully set up some boundaries yourself.

If she is getting loose stool from the food a conversation with the dietitian and/or the facility doctor is warranted.

You say, "She was homeless for many months. Living in hotels and shelters and worse. It is a long story, but she was transferred to this facility by a hospital against her will. Now that she has nowhere else to go it is the only opportunity for a somewhat safe/sheltered environment."

Your mother is safe and housed/fed/clothed and cared for, warm in the winter & cool in the summer. Stop worrying about how she can live on $45 a month and start feeling relieved she's no longer homeless, living in shelters and worse. That's my suggestion. She will figure out how TO live with $45 a month for incidentals once she acclimates to the SNF. It's amazing what we humans are able to adjust to and live with, once our options are removed. I grew up my entire life where a whole family used ONE bar of soap; 1/2 at the sink and the other half in the bathtub/shower. We had no idea what 'hand soap' was; soap was soap. Once your mother has the basics, she won't need more sneakers, clothes, shoes or blankets again for quite a long time. When she does, it's off to thrift like so many of us do in these times of ridiculous inflation b/c who's going to spend $125 on a pair of shoes ANYWAY? I'd be shopping at thrift even if I won the lottery, just saying.

Is life in a Medicaid SNF perfect? No. But neither is life for a homeless person living in a shelter.

I wish I could find good shoes for 125.00.

Fortunately, the ones I buy last a long time, so it doesn't hurt so much to pay high prices.

I am happy you guys can buy shoes at thrift stores. Never gonna happen for me, I have seen to many funky feet and I don't even want ones others have tried on, that's my thing and all shoes get a good spray of Sniper before they are worn.

Please verify what your mother is saying before you act. My father liked to tell stories about his assisted living that I found were far from the truth.

First, she has gone from homeless to a place where she is safe...and she is complaining?

NHs have plenty of donated clothing. Ask about that or visit Goodwill as everyone suggested.

Your mother probably doesn't want to be there so she is going to complain about everything and anything just to see you jump. Stop, let her settle in and realize this is her new normal.

Stop buying her takeout. Go there and see what kind of food she has. Talk to the staff there if you have any issues. Buy her a few snacks to keep in her room.

My father's biggest complaint was the food. Yes, it was not my husband's gourmet cooking.

”what happens…. no family”. My experience is for those who had no family that participate, it was the Salvation Army that came around couple of times a year to provide for extras for the NH residents. The social worker at the Nh gave them a list and details on those residents.

Your moms room&board are being paid for by Medicaid. In theory, her basic needs are provided and why your State has set her personal needs allowance at $45.00 a month. If approached carefully, it can cover clothing & toiletries replacement, on premises beauty shoppe once a month. If she is pretty much completely without clothing, shoes, personal care products, the social worker will know a way to get her what she needs. Not what she wants but what she needs. Big, big like Gulf of Mexico big, difference between these,

And to me, the “what she wants” is the issue here. If your mom was living on the streets and drifting through homelessness periods, something is off with her. And for whatever reasons you are doing things to coddle her. Stop! She is creating scenarios as to why she cannot be in the facility…. “food makes me ill; they take my $; i don’t have shoes; they don’t give me sought time to eat/bathe/dress; they want me to do things I can’t do yada-yada”….. by saying these things she’s creating reasons as to why she needs to leave the place. And you are playing into her drama by bringing her outside meals, taking up her cry of how can I live on $45 a month. Stop! Your mom needs to accept that this in fact is where she needs to be now and this is where she is to live from here on out. I’d be quite concerned that she will walk out of the NH and back onto the street if given the opportunity. NH cannot stop her if she takes a runner.

I’d be especially concerned what she does end of this week / next week. Why? Well if she’s is used to getting her SS$ and spending / squandering it right at the beginning of the month, that $ will not be there ever again for her as all but $45 is her required copay to the facility. She’s used to this $ & living pattern from when she was homeless. If she has left other housing placements, when they too had copays of her income or had rules she had to follow, she will try it again. Please please pls do what you can to make her feel positive about this facility and that it’s where she needs to be. If you need to go to a couple of activities to get her involved to be at them, do that. If she’s been homeless, her social skills may be lacking. You may need to do therapeutic fibs to her….. like “yes mom, I’m looking into another NH, but it takes time to get thru things as so much documentation is missing”….

If she does a runner, go to the NH and get all her clothing etc and box it up for future use. They can only do a bed hold for a couple of days. If this happens, clearly ask them what the exact timeframe is and get her stuff before that ends. Unfortunately unless you can find her and bring her back asap, they will release her bed and she will end up doing this whole process again.

I don't know all of the details regarding your mother's past - so I'm going to do a lot of speculating here. You mention that the food in the nursing home is messing with her stomach AND at the same time that she is not getting enough to eat. In addition - she went from being homeless to the nursing home. In my experience - which is strictly observational- I have never personally been anywhere close to homeless but I have done some work serving food in a homeless soup kitchen sponsored by our church - here is what I have seen.
Those that I have encountered did one of two things. Either they ate until they literally couldn't eat anymore ( we weren't like a daily soup kitchen/shelter - we basically had a set up where different churches sponsored different nights once a week so it wasn't a consistent daily option) OR they would eat and then ask for "to go" boxes and take as much as they could with them to make it last as long as they could. Most of the foods we offered were shopped and cooked by the members of the churches so as you can imagine these weren't foods that traveled well or lasted well as leftovers. But they didn't care. They would save them and take the food with them.
Why do I say that? While I recognize that Nursing Home food is not lauded as 5 star cuisine by any stretch of the imagination - I'm wondering if your mother is potentially having stomach issues due to the large paradigm shift in her eating habits alone? She went from (I'm assuming) not knowing when her next meal would be, not having consistent food, not knowing where the food came from or the actual safety of the food she might be eating to eating - while less than stellar food- it should at least be consistently prepared and meet safety standards.

If she is on a bunch of medications - this could also be causing her major stomach problems. My FIL has almost consistent stomach issues -that range from diarrhea to constipation on a pendulum thanks largely in part to his medication cocktail - he eats nearly the exact same foods every day by choice. (at home).

So while I'm not saying that her stomach issues are NOT the fault of the food - I'm just raising the possibility that there could be other issues.

Additionally - is her issue with the portions being too small also potentially due to her concerns that she is afraid she might not eat again for a while or period? Or are the portions truly too small? If she was homeless (and has mental illness issues on top of that) I would definitely suggest that YOU need to see these foods and the portions with your own eyes before taking her word for it. Her perspective could be a bit skewed by her mental illness and her surroundings. And for many who have been homeless there is a level of PTSD when they are in situations where they get consistent meals on a regular basis. They take time to adjust to knowing they will have a regular meal and they don't need to hoard their food or eat as much as they can because they don't know when they will eat again. Is there some potential there that she might just be having issues with that and not the actual portion sizes?

I would suggest, if you are local - that you need to assess the situation for yourself. There are ALWAYS going to be adjustments in moving to a Nursing Home for anyone regardless of the situation they come from. But they are there because they require the type of care provided by the staff there. If she is truly having health issues due to the food, then I'm sure that a doctor and nutritionist would find some way to address it. But you would have to figure out if it is really that or just something else altogether first.

Your mom will not need a haircut, blankets and new shoes every month. The issue that is requiring all of the money is the food. If you feel compelled to give her "better" or "different" food than what the facility has, then maybe bring her a plate from your own home on occasion. No one can afford to eat out every day.

We just moved mom into a medicaid memory care and I agree with you, the food is not good. I have walked in to mom getting served plain white grits on a paper plate. Another time was northern beans with sliced onions on a plate. Mom refused to eat either. I have accepted that I cannot fix this problem. Sometimes I bring her home and let her have dinner with us or I swing by just to check on her and have a danish in hand, etc. My mom loves tacos, so I will bring her a taco on occasion.

You will drive yourself crazy if you think about it too much. Just try to supplement her meals on occasion with something from your own table so that you're not going broke and neither is she. At Christmas, buy your mom a new sweater and a pair of comfy pants. She's not going to wear out all of her clothes with the lifestyle of a nursing home.

Hello, I can imagine it’s all new to you but, we learn to adapt and you can too if you don’t allow certain emotions to over- ride the (wants, needs and desires) the three are oh so different! We need air to breathe
( personally) I desire cold air( desire) but I’m satisfied with any flow of air
( need). We need sustenance for our bodies personally I’m a poultry person( desire) but beef, pork, liver etc … will do( need)lol well could just be a vegetarian 😊
All I’m saying is appreciated that which can be appreciated and if ever it needs to be changed then do so!! Just don’t allow you emotions to rule you!!
Best wishes💕

Just want to say again after reading the newer posts. Not sure about ALs and MCs because they are private but NHs are under State regulations are under certain guidelines when it comes to the meals served. As I said earlier, my daughter worked in NHs for 20 yrs and said the residents were given too much food because of State regulations. I think ALs and MCs are under similar regulations since inspected by the State. Yes, the food is probably not to everyones liking. No salt, no spices, but thats because they are serving lots of people with different health problems. Check with your State and find out what their dietary requirements are.

James "plain white grits on a paper plate. Another time was northern beans with sliced onions on a plate" I would research this. If grits was breakfast, I think there should have at least been eggs and fruit served. Beans and onions does not seem to be a meal to me either. And if Mom does not like it, an alternative should have been given in my opinion.

Try local churches for clothing and toiletries needed, even blankets. My church kept a clothing closet that distributed monthly at a food pantry. People could also come in by appointment to "shop." Our youth group also collected toiletries for "Manna Bags" for the homeless, so those items were available as well. And others are correct about the NHs having clothing available. My LOs who lived in them were often dressed in clothes from the clothing bank, even though they had their own clothes. If staff who did the bathing and dressing couldn't find the person's clothes for whatever reason, I think it was easier for them to just grab something that "sorta fit" from the bank than to search for their own.

I have wondered that as well. In my state you get $64. I cover everything else for my mom, the lotion she likes, her cell phone bill, things to eat, personal care items.
It's starting to add up each month, I have been able to budget it so far. The worst part is, for me, her feelings about financial dependence on me.

My mom is 100, gave generously her whole life, to her church, charities, etc. It's hard for her to accept financial help. I fib a lot about how much things cost.

I try to donate items to the place she lives which is a nice faith based assisted living that, thank God accepted Medicaid waiver. Someone there always needs something. But with inflation, prices of just regular stuff like hand lotion is ridiculous. Many visits to the dollar store and sales and coupon shopping for me to try to cover all these items not provided.

There may be some agencies , organizations that may help cover some things like this. I am looking into in my area as well. I guess I am just grateful she is in a decent place but the financial for all the extras can be a real bite.

What they claim they provide vs what they truly provide is two different things. Did you nit hear that the food gives her the rubs and it is in small proportions and they are too cheap to have soap in the bathroom? Some of these places advertise one thing to lure you in and then do whatever they choose once they get your money. It is despicable.

I've been in three nursing homes. I was well treated in all three homes. Two of them were strictly private pay. The other had Medicaid beds. The food in the one that had Medicaid beds was terrible. I got out of there. The portions in all three places were, to me, good sized portions. I do not have a big appetite and I am on a special diet because I have insulin dependent diabetes and chronic kidney disease.

I used the beauty shop in one of them. My haircut was $8.00. They charged $14.00 for a wash cut and blow dry.

Indigo108: Perhaps initially the $45 stipend would not be enough. But let's face it, after a short while, she may have accumulated all the clothing, shoes and incidentals that she will need. For the food, please check into FREE food pantries in Narberth, PA such as the Caring Cupboard. I am in Maryland and I routinely stock the local Caring Cupboard located in my locale.