My sister, Joney, is loyal to Harry but he won't let her talk to anyone. She shakes so badly now and relies on him for everything (like making a phone call). We set up meals on wheels and a house cleaner, but he won't answer the door or phone. I've been told that they dumpster dive for food and their low-income apartment wants them out because of the putrid stink of food and cat smells. They were kicked out of low rent housing because Harry would bring home junk from the dump grounds until the house and yard were overflowing. They never married because it would deplete their SSI. How do we set up a legal intervention to keep Joney away from Harry?
I always recommend Liz Scheier's memoir about attempting for decades to help her Mom who had personality disorders. She never managed to do it even with the help of the City and State of New York. It is a lesson in just how helpless we really are in these situations. The name of the book is Never Simple.
By SSI do you mean supplimental income? Sister should be getting Social Security disability based on her parents earnings. At 70, she should already be on Medicare.
People that have some type of brain injury usually contract Dementia at some point. Harry at 70 could very well be showing signs of Dementia and depending on what type, show aggressiveness or be violent. Is there not someone who oversees him? If so, talk to them about how he is and maybe a mental evaluation is in order. In the meantime, talk to a lawyer and see what it would cost you to seek guardianship. Call your County Disabilities dept and see if there are group homes where your sister can be placed. Guardianship does not mean u have to physically care for her but will allow you to make decisions for her.
I'd call APS tell them the situation, and go from there. You didn't mention your sister having a POA. If she doesn't have one, tell the APS Rep you'd like to apply to be a POA. Maybe they can put you in touch with a lawyer you can afford to represent you in court to help you attain a POA Proxy.
Something tells me that once Harry knows you've got POA, he'll be out the door so fast his shorts will have to run to catch up to him!
Good Luck!
Prayers.
Make sure you have things documented, like they don’t answer door for meal service, but then dumpster dive to eat. Make sure your sister will tell APS that her boyfriend won’t even allow her phone calls etc. Good luck.
The best strategy is to get her away from this life where she is trapped. Can you take her on a short vacation? It may take 3 days to get her to emotionally “detox/defrost” so you can learn more about her situation.
You can’t force her to see you if she doesn’t want to, so maybe taking baby steps is the best approach.
If you could invite her out for lunch or even taking her out to get her some groceries may break the ice and help by providing some nutrition.
if you don’t make contact, she could become even more isolated.
But agree time/outings separate to partner is needed. If he objects to her spending time with family, explain personally what 'coersive control' is. That it is illegal. (Edit: is it illegal where you live?). Regardless, many don't realise what they are doing is considered wrong. Once pointed out - he hopefully can change. A friend's jealous boyfriend started like that.. she dumped him quick smart & told him to seek men's counselling. He did! It helped him understand. He was able to change his behaviour & they are back together successfully. Rare.. but possible.
If Adult Protective Services can't help ask them who can and keep following the referrals until you get the right agency or lawyer.
You may just have to let the State / City intervene. I can imagine it breaks your heart to see this but, they are adults. So unless you’re her POA you’re very limited. Keep asking and inquiring. I pray you find a better and more favorable solution 💕( pssst you can also be one of those callers to the City or State or hire a legal team)!
Who is telling you they eat from the dumpster? This is a real thing and people do it proudly. Not saying I agree but, I have seen programs that explain this phenomenon.
If your sister is having health problems on top of her disability it is realistic that what she is telling you isn't accurate. Just be mindful of that.
I would not try to separate them but, I would try to get APS or their social workers involved. Maybe some intervention could help improve the situation for both of them.
Please don't let your standard of living destroy the life she has created for herself.