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My 82 yo mom lives alone in a big apartment building with high security--a good thing, except that the only way to get into her apartment is for her to tell the front desk to let you up. She is not demented, but is in massive denial about getting older and numerous health problems. She is definitely depressed. The last time I was there was a few months ago. She fell and finally agreed to let an ambulance take her to the hospital, where she was for several weeks. I cleaned her apt during that time and was appalled. She had been ordering takeout daily and not throwing anything out. Newspapers everywhere. Roaches. And the worst is that I discovered she has been dealing with fecal incontinence, the poor thing. So I had to throw out most of her sheets and towels.


Anyway, she returned to a clean apartment and allowed her cleaning lady to come for the first few weeks, but now she's back to canceling everything--cleaning lady, dates with me, doctors appts (she was supposed to see a GI specialist for the fecal problem). Anytime I try to reason with her, she gets furious with me. She insists she needs no care, no help, is perfectly fine and it's her business if she goes to the doctor or not. I know this is true, but it's killing me. I am so afraid of having to go back to that apt whenever the next crisis hits. I actually called APS anonymously and they showed up in her lobby but she would not let the person upstairs! I am terrified my mom will find out I called them (but APS will keep it anonymous/confidential, right??)

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In your post you said she didn't have dementia. I would suggest rethinking that. When my mom ended up in a rehab after a fall 10 weeks ago they did two dementia test which she scored high on both. I was somewhat surprised - my mom has always been eccentric so I guess I could tell the difference. Since then I've done a lot of reading about the disease and see in good ole' 20/20 hindsite that I was missing a ton of signs. If it comes down to waiting for the next crisis and she winds up in the hospital insist she is tested for dementia. If she tests positive you will find new avenues to pursue in getting her and you help. Alas - along with new avenues will be many new difficult challenges and tough decisions. Best of luck to you!
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Living in filth is an indication that her decision making part of the brain is not working. Refusing to allow a cleaning lady is another sign she not thinking clearly. I'm willing to bet she is not bathing either. Be prepared to expect another visit to the hospital, but this time have a long chat with the discharge coordinator about her living conditions.
Next time, don't clean up, take pictures and show them to the discharge coordinator, ask for help getting her to a safe place.
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I guess I am both surprised and not surprised that your mom was able to pass the cognitive tests. For quite a while my mom could hold it together and pass the tests. She still can seems okay for very short periods - she did that just this past Monday at a dr. visit. But I'll i needed to do was introduce a specific subject and she was off on a demented rant - you should have seen the dr.'s face! I fear you may be started on the path I've been on for a while - steady line of living - crisis - adjustments to fit new state of living - steady line - crisis - adjustment...and so on until the crisis' became so frequent that there was no steady time and major adjustment had to be made. In the words of the wonderful Betty Davis " fasten your seat belts, were in for a bumpy ride."
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The building should be doing regular extermination already. See if the building superintendent can speak with your mother about letting an exterminator into her apartment. Can you bring her cleaning lady with you so she can clean? Old people don't need to be demented to make shockingly bad decisions! In my experience with my inlaws, they made terrible decisions to maintain their independence and prevent us "kids" from knowing the truth. I wish you lots of luck.
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If I'm not mistaken, having rodents and insects in the apartment affects all the other apartments too. I think you should have a private conversation with the building manager and have him step in...if he doesn't then their entire property could become infested. Also, APS really should have insisted on entry...or if they did not have the authority, the police certainly would. If she's living like that then she is in danger and the police can step in and remove her /condemn the apartment.

Angel
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Thanks, Rainmom. She passed all the cognitive tests with flying colors when she was in the hospital and rehab. They were amazed at how on the ball she was in terms of her memory, math skills, recollection of phone numbers, etc. She really isn't demented, per se. The denial is extreme, however, to the point of being delusional I think.
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The main reason I mentioned the roaches/vermin is that this may be the best way to intervene since she obviously won't allow intervention voluntarily. Getting the building manager and eventually the police involved with either ensure that she cleans up, or ensure that she gets proper care somewhere else.
Angel
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Thanks so much, everyone. It's so complicated. The building complex is huge and has a large elderly population plus a social work center onsite, yet they have all been USELESS, despite my pleas. I did talk to the discharge coordinator honestly during my mom's recent hospital stay and she, too, was no help. Her entire goal was to ship my mom to a rehab facility for her back injury. At the facility, my mom passed all the physical and mental tests with flying colors, so they sent her home. It's been a really rough year, as she had a mastectomy last Nov followed by the back fracture, and then the recent fecal incontinence. I think her self-neglect is more about depression and feeling overwhelmed. Thanks for being here. I'm glad I found this site. It's good to know I am not alone.
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xinabess, one suggestion, do NOT clean up your Mom's apartment before APS comes to visit.... that is just stalling the situation.
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She doesn't have rodents, but definitely roaches. I spoke with someone at APS today and they said they will try to gain entry three times and after that, the case is closed. They are not going to try to get past the guy at the desk. If they ring up and she says don't come up, they will go away. So I am trying to simply accept the situation (ha) because I don't know what else to do except wait for the other shoe to drop. My mom is furious about being "infantilized," which of course I understand. She cannot let go of her image of herself as independent and glamorous (both of which she was). Crazily enough, after the apt was cleaned last time, she ordered WHITE carpet for her bedroom. Talk about denial.
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