How do I deal with an extremely critical, narcissistic 90-yr-old mother who expects me to devote my life to her now that I have retired?

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How do I deal with an extremely critical, narcissistic 90-yr-old mother who expects me to devote my life to her now that I have retired?

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I've just returned from an overnight visit that was so bad I'm home in bed with IBS flare up and had to take xanax. Every single visit. Criticism from the time she opens the door - "Hardly recognized you! Did you gain more weight!?" to "I didn't raise you to associate with blacks!" to "I don't understand why my children aren't wealthy like my friend's children are!"

Every single visit I end up in tears, with diarrhea and have to go to bed.

Does anyone have a similar situation?

Mom Narcissism Stress

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From my own experience here: While always difficult and critical, I’d say my mother’s nastiness peaked during her dementia’s mid-early stage to mid-mid stage. Unfortunately, as she lived next door, so I could rarely escape her.

My husband observed that, after she’d trash me and I’d walk away, she’d often be confused, politely asking him if I wasn’t well, etc, as I’d left in a hurry. He’d explain that what she’d said was nasty, so I’d left. She seemed genuinely clueless. After all, it made perfect sense, logically, for her to demand that I leave him and our young kids and move in with her. I am the one to fulfill all her needs. Duh!

Then she started trying to kill herself to get her way.

My point? I will never know when she crossed that line from rational narc to dementia. I phoned EMS during her last suicide attempt, and my mother (who showtimed so well had everyone questioning my warning that she had dementia) was unable to state her address, date of birth, etc. She was that far along.

I don’t know how often you visit, but consider skipping a visit or several and grey rocking her. Observe during your next visit. Did she manage? Does she reign in her temper? It might give you a better picture of whether she’s an evil shrew or oblivious due to her broken brain.

Incidentally my IBS and BP are much better since my mother went into care and her dementia advanced to late-mid stage. She doesn’t consistently recognize me which takes some pressure off. Good luck!

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Hellonearth, my dad's mom ALWAYS made a snide comment about my weight. I was either to thin or my favorite, my, my you sure have been eating well.

In my head, out of respect for my dad, I would say, "I may be fat but, you, you're ugly, at least I can diet." Made me feel better and not let her venom enter my blood stream.

I do have to say that my aunts kids were all supersize, like my 600# life and I was about 20 pounds heavier then I was happy with but, they never got body shamed, ever. I knew that it was her problem and not mine. Same thing with your mom, this venomous talk is her problem not yours, don't own it or even listen.

It is okay to tell your mom that her words are not going to be tolerated and she plays nice or you won't be playing with her. Just because she birthed you doesn't mean she gets to abuse you. You matter!

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My grandmother was like this. I swear I could hear her voice just reading your post. What happened was people started to visit less and less. My father who would jump through hoops to please her even got so upset with her once that he cut contact for a full year. Something to think about.

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Why do you put yourself through that kind of abuse? It clearly upsets your body to visit. Stop visiting. Perhaps she should be in assisted living or memory care. Are you obligated for her care? If so, get her in a facility or hire some in home help for her. . Until then if you feel the need to visit, don't let what she says get to you. She's a cranky old woman that feels she's got to put others down to make herself feel better. I'd also talk to her Dr about some mood therapy. They calmed my mom down within a couple of weeks.

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The more you give, the more she will take. I was raised by a narcissist, I went no contact five years ago and now have found myself in a relationship, where my elderly MIL is a narcissist, as well as a hoarder and is mentally declining. I didn’t leave my family of origin to put up with the abusive behavior from someone else’s family. She treats me the same way your mother treats you. I would begin to set serious boundaries, and consider going no contact if she is causing such mental harm to you. Her needs are not more important than yours and more often than not, their needs are very trivial and selfish. You must educate yourself about narcissism, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, and being the scapegoat of the family. You are not your mothers trash can and dumping grounds for all her own baggage. These people will suck the soul from you. They are black holes and bottomless pits that are never satisfied. You will never get her approval, she can’t give you what she doesn’t have to give. Accept this and mourn the loss. The moment you pull back and stop being of any use to your mother, she’ll either discard you, smear you, or give you the silent treatment. They don’t take no for an answer, never forget that NO is a complete sentence and stick to boundaries. Your mother is looking for narcissist supply and you are giving it to her. That’s why you feel ill when you interact with her. Educate yourself and seek the help of a therapist. My fiancé has finally gotten himself in therapy for years upon years of unrecognized emotional abuse. She is trying her best to put a wedge between us so that I’ll leave and my fiancé will stay to take care of her forever. She doesn’t realize she’s met her match. You are probably an empathic person, highly sensitive, like myself, and this is why you are the perfect target. It’s time to start taking your power back! It sounds like you have years of trauma to process, use your golden years to heal and let your mother fend for herself. These folks are resourceful, once you start distancing yourself, she will find another supply source and will manipulate them into doing her bidding. If she won’t hire outside help, let her fall on her own. Unfortunately, it’s like dealing with an adult child. They are allowed to make poor choices and she is the one that will suffer the consequences. Take care of yourself first, you don’t deserve to be treated in such a terrible way, especially when you are going out of your way to help her. She will never appreciate your efforts, she only cares about what she can get out of you. Nothing else matters. This is not love, nor is it a mutually beneficial relationship, this is emotional abuse. Time to walk away. You are doing a great job, don’t give up on yourself. This type of abuse changes who we are as a human being. The sooner you can distance yourself from her, the better for your mental health and well-being. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there! You are not alone!

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Grandma1954,

I'm responding to your comment lower on the thread.
How is anyone here bullying the OP?
The question was, 'How to deal with a critical, narcissistic 90-year-old who expects me to devote my life to her now that I'm retired?'

This question was answered. The OP posted it and then went on to say that spending any time with her mother is such a detriment to her mental and physical health that she ends up in bedridden in tears with explosive diarrhea and has to be sedated with xanax.
You think it's bullying to tell a person what is the most common sense of answers which is stop seeing the person that causes all this pain and suffering.
That's not bullying. Sometimes adults need to be told plainly so they will go and help themselves.

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I thought the comment
"You're a grown up. Ashamed that you still behave like a kid"
was a bit harsh.
When it comes to caring for or even being around our parents is seems like a lot of grown ups are put back into the "kid" mentality.
And it seems like the abuse that is being thrust upon "hellonearth" is more than anyone should take.

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You weren't put on this earth to be her verbal punching bag. If you can't bring yourself to stop visiting, you have to set boundaries and stick to them. This is going to kill you one way or another if it doesn't change.

Mom is being critical? "Mom, it looks like you're in a pretty bad mood right now. I'll come back when you're feeling a little better."

Do not spend the night there. Even if it's a long drive both ways. You can always call to check on her. No need to consistently visit. Why not just call her instead of visiting?

You're not helping your mother by visiting. It seems just your presence is enough to turn her into a raging, angry shrew. That is of no benefit to her, aside from her enjoyment of putting you down. You can't make her happy. She doesn't want to be happy.

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Do stop going to see her. She is enjoying crucifying you and you are handing her the nails! For whatever reason, she may getting something out of these visits but they are killing you. You don't owe a mean, narcissistic person a thing even if they happened to have given birth to you. Get out of her line of fire.

From your profile, it indicates that your Mom is not even 70 yet. She's practically a teenager and this could easily go on for 20 more years if it doesn't kill you first. Has she always been this way (probably has) and why do you need to visit her? How far apart do you live? Are you her DPoA, medical proxy, executor - even if you are, you can perform all the attached duties from afar. If she needs help in the house with cleaning or caregiving, she can hire it. Food shopping... covid taught us how to that online. Doctor appt's... well, if I'm not signed on to your HIPPA statement, you don't need me to drive you there... see if her town has free senior transport or do telehealth visits. My point is ... if she needs help, you can direct and coordinate from a distance.

If you are feeling guilty about not being close and providing "care" for your mother, please drop it. She is not providing an environment in which you can be close. Grief about a bad relationship? Yes that is normal but it can be managed without your being stomped on. If necessary seek counseling if either of these things bother you but stay away from Mother. Don't give her your schedule (always busy), don't tell her if you have retired (loved one person's post indicating your should tell you have moved to Mongolia...."no phones there Mom and you'll need to write in Chinese to send me a letter," ), if she is rude on the phone "gotta go home, my date is here (that will drive her nuts!!)" hang up and don't answer anymore phone calls for the rest of the week (she might try using someone else's phone so let them all go to voice mail -- you can call the "real" people back). You probably won't be able to retrain her at this stage of her life but your sure can retrain yourself. The best years are ahead of you.... trust me on that one!!
Good Luck and love yourself first!!

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Put her in assisted living or if need be memory care. Obviously, you cannot handle her and lets everything she says go to heart. It's just not worth it to be around this toxic enviroment. If she lives with you, get her out. If you live with her, get out.

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it's not easy to "put" someone is Assisted Living or Memory Care unless you have the legal ability to do so.

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Having a narcissist mom myself, I know how deeply these words can cut. You don't want to be hurt and it's not your fault. That being said, it is a situation of "it takes two to tango." As long as you continue to allow your mother to set the stage and you play along, you will continue to be hurt and have the hurt manifest physically. You are still seeking her approval. She is not able or unwilling to give that to you. And, that's something you will need to learn to be okay with. Show yourself some love and acceptance and start creating boundaries. You are a good person and that will be true whether or not your mother states it to you.

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Stop visiting her. That's how you deal with a person like your mother. Stop visiting.
Write her a letter explaining why you won't be visiting her anymore. From what you've said here it sounds like she wouldn't be able to have a conversation with you about it. She would make it all about her and you're being over-sensitive. Just stop seeing her.
Yes, she's your mother but why do you have to suffer? The two of you don't have a good relationship so why bother with each other? If someone has to retire to their bed sedated after spending time with a person, that someone should end that relationship.
Would you stay in a marriage or romantic relationship if your partner had this effect on you? Would you tolerate a supervisor or a boss on your job behaving abusively to the point where you have to take drugs and retire to your bed every time you come home from work?
No. You wouldn't continue in the relationship and would either report on your boss or supervisor for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. You may ever quit such a job and find other employment. Why tolerate it from your mother? She will probably not be able to change at her age. Stop seeing her. Talk on the phone. If she starts with the snide comments, you can hang up on her. Try restricting your visiting to phone calls only for and see how they go. Good luck.

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You're a grown up. Ashamed, that you still behave like a kid.

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this is a bit uncalled for, you do not have to bully someone that is already being bullied.
And when it comes to a parent you are "always a kid"

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Why go?
If she physically beat you would you continue to visit?
She is mentally beating you. Just because you do not have a bloody nose and a black eye does not mean the abuse is any less damaging.
STOP going to see her.

Why continue to put your physical and mental/emotional health in jeopardy?

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Tell her you've gone back to work, to a job that requires you to re-locate to Outer Mongolia!

Tell her anything, but stop showing up.

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Of course, many of us have a similar situation!! First of all, don't tell her or remind her you've retired! Secondly, if she asks about your schedule ( so she can have you do things for her), just say " why, what do you need?" When she states a specific need at a specific time, you can tell her if you're available: no reasons if not available. She does Not need to know any of your business. She would only use it as fuel against you. This is what I have done with my hateful, demented, self centered mother. Give as little info as possible. Only answer schedule questions if she states a specific date, time, and reason. Then only say, " yes I can do that " or "no, I'm busy ". Period. Additionally, if she keeps up the evil badgering criticism of you, first, cut her off by leaving immediately or hanging up the phone. Then, simply stop communication! She can leave a message. You can choose to respond ( I only respond via text so it is in writing). This is what I have done with my mother. It allows me a new level of freedom back into my life that she's been trying so desperately to take away. NOT happening! And as of this point in time with her hateful behavior, I have No plans to visit; ever, at all! I have done all I could for her for Many years. She used me up and now I'm done! You have the right to be done too. Her life/ health is NOT more important than yours!!

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Of course, many of us have a similar situation!! First of all, don't tell her or remind her you've retired! Secondly, if she asks about your schedule ( so she can have you do things for her), just say " why, what do you need?" When she states a specific need at a specific time, you can tell if if you're available: no reasons if not available. She does Not need to know any of your business. She would only use it as fuel against you. This is what I have done with my hateful, demented, self centered mother. Give as little info as possible. Only answer schedule questions if she states a specific date, time, and reason. Then only say, " yes I can do that " or "no, I'm busy ". Period. Additionally, if she keeps up the evil badgering criticism of you, first, cut her off by leaving immediately or hanging up the phone. Then, simply stop communication! She can leave a message. You can choose to respond ( I only respond via text so it is in writing). This is what I have done with my mother. It allows me a new level of freedom back into my life that she's been trying so desperately to take away. NOT happening! And as of this point in time with her hateful behavior, I have No plans to visit; ever, at all! I have done all I could for her for Many years. She used me up and now I'm done! You have the right to be done too. Her life/ health is NOT more important than yours!!

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Why are you listening to the words she says if you KNOW that they are neither lucid nor true?

”SHE DIDN’T RAISE YOU…….”??????? “Aren’t WEALTHY LIKE MY FRIEND’S CHILDREN ARE….”???????

Her FRIEND’S CHILDREN haven’t been CHILDREN since 45 or so YEARS AGO.

You are an ADULT who has RETIRED from the work force. Your aren’t her kindergartener or her punching bag or her misery target.

You MUST give yourself permission to divorce your ears from her comments IF you decide you want to continue to monitor her welfare in ANY WAY.

Overnight visits that cause you possibly permanent bodily harm? Read that question two or three times and then decide why you’ve chosen (yes, CHOSEN) to do that TO YOURSELF.

Then decide that what you’re doing NOW is dangerous to you and MINIMAL IF ANY BENEFIT TO YOUR MOTHER.

Do you drive to visit her? If so, leave the motor (safely) running the next time you go, and head for your car THE MINUTE the tirade starts. No tears no answer no listening no to ANYTHING that is distressing TO YOU.

Believe this or not, BETTER FOR YOU BOTH!!!

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For gods sakes STOP visiting her. Not overnight. Not for an hour. Not for 10 damn minutes even. She is sucking the life force from you literally.

What is fundamentally wrong with so many people that they are willing to allow a person to tear them apart emotionally just because they are referred to as mom or dad?

There is no special reward from the universe if you take care of an abusive old wench until they finally die. Likewise there is no punishment if you wash your hands of them. Except the only punishment and guilt you allow to rent space to in your own head.

Please for your own sanity and health just stop. Walk away or if you must tell that miserable old b**** to stop with the criticisms and insults or you are done. And then be done.

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Don't stay over night, visit for an hour or two and go home. You are doing this to yourself, as you know how she is and that there is no hope of her changing.

I was the scapegoat for my mother, she lived in NC, me in Florida. I refused to stay with her, stayed in a motel, so I could escape. If it got too bad I would just leave and head back home.

She is now in AL here in Florida, I do not visit her, my brother, the golden one does. I participate behind the scenes.

Works for me.

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I am putting off retiring because I don't want to be sucked into her life, I would be limited with what I can do. I would like to travel more- like month or two at a time, but I am the only person she has and I already feel guilt - mind you I bring that guilt on to myself I know. She can be devoted but it comes with a big price. Last whopper was when she said by going to some family event I was bringing ridicule to myself, or shame I think because I am going alone - I am single and no family- it sounds ridiculous even when I say it now. because I have no family of my own she feels I should sit at home and not go anywhere.Always with the searing put down comments. She can suck the air out of me - I can't share anything because she quickly can take all the joy out of very simple things and ruin it for me. This can go on for a long time, mentally she has always been off balance and ruined a lot but physically she is quite fit which I am thankful for but I am drained, exhausted, and don't want my retirement stolen in the way a lot of my life has been, it helps to vent here. The feeling of being trapped is omnipresent in my life and the only way out of course is not what I want either, but I do many times feel like caged animal.

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We need more info. How often do you visit? How far away is she?

The best thing to do is pick up and leave when she is nasty....or give her three strikes and then you leave. Say upfront...Mom if you are going to be nasty I am leaving. First comment say Strike 1. When she gets to strike 3 leave. Doesn't matter if you didn't get to what you needed to do, she has to live with the consequences of her actions.

Keep info on your life confidential. She does not get to schedule your time. Cut down on the amount of facetime you have. Me personally, although I am sure others would disagree, would match insult for insult. Sometimes others don't see what they say as being mean until it is directed back at them.

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Stop visiting.

Simple.

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You don't devote your life to anyone but yourself. I know this might sound selfish, but we only have so much energy for one day. Dealing with this type of stress on a daily basis would wear thin and start grating on your nerves.

I worked with an individual like this and nothing I did was right. I never cried on a job in the thirty six years of my working career, and one week with this person turned me into a blubbering mess with the constant putdowns and criticism. On top of that, I was expected to do my job that included light housekeeping, cooking, changing bed linens, laundry and such.

She ordered her aides around like servants (myself included). I got tired of hearing; you work for me, I am paying you to do a job! Every single day this went on. She even wanted me to unscrew and clean out her lint traps on her washing machine. I didn't do it. Everything that I was to do was included on the care plan.

I also like the part of some of these people not having food. They thought that I was suppose to use my own money to buy them meals out. I made the mistake and did this a couple of times. I got hip to this. Next time I'm assigned another case, I will tell the person up front that I only have money for transportation and not buying additional food and supplies for them. They have money, but they don't use it in the manner it should be used. Some of them don't buy soap powder, dish detergent and other necessities. I had one lady send me to the McDonalds that was far away. Then she wanted me to walk to the Starbucks to get expensive coffee. Everytime she had a whim for something, I was required to go out in 90 degree heat to get her stuff. Of course she didn't provide any money for the things she needed.

We love our seniors, but with their constant complaining and putdowns, this can get old really fast. Some people have a knack for caretaking, but I've picked up on hidden resentment stemming from catering to the constant needs of these individuals.

Take care of yourself first.

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I think of it as toddler & teen behaviour 'testing their boundaries'. The toddler at the checkout pushing for sweets (free lunch, $$ coffee). The teen pushing curfew (past clock off time).
Same.
Stay professional. Stay on message. Stay strong 💪💪

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As a person with toxic parents, why on earth are you putting yourself in her firing line?

You do not owe her a moment of your time nor energy.

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Yes, read Boundries and look up "gray rock".

Because she is your Mother does not mean you have to cater to her. Ignore her comments unless you have a quick wit that I personally don't have. But my one daughter does and I love it. I also don't like confrontation because I am not quick on comebacks. So I just ignore. Actually, I stay away from people like your mother. Just came to me, might want to say to Mom "See you are your old sweet self today Mom. So looks like I will not be staying long". Her being your Mom does not mean you have to take it.

At this point in Moms life she needs you more than you need her. If she is healthy enough to stay on her own, then continue to live ur life. She is not a priority she is a part of your life. Be honest, you did not retire to be her "gopher". If she relies on you for shopping, then pick a day. Include lunch if she is good. If not, tell her that you really can't deal with her "put downs" any longer today so home you go. People treat you the way you let them. You are a 68 year old who has taken care of yourself all these years without Mom.

If she is causing your health problems to be worse than you have to back off. Don't answer her calls. Call her back when u can deal with her. Hang up when she starts getting abusive and it is abuse. "Sorry Mom I just can't deal with you today so hanging up". You need to show her you will no longer put up with her s_ _t. If she wants something from you, then she will need to be nice.

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I think I would go back to work! Or at least that is what I would tell her and stay away. She sounds awful. Many hugs you should not be treated like that.

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This is exactly what a councillor told me that she advised all her clients & friends with this issue to do.

1. Get a job (or say you have a job).

2. Don't disclose your whole calender, your exact work hours or days off. Stay vague.

3. Block out chunks of time. Not I have a haircut at 9am, that leaves Mom planning out the rest of the day...
I am busy Tues all morning. Or Tuesday. Period.

4. Set aside ONE day max for the needy LO.

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Welcome! You're preaching to the choir, sister ❤ I completely understand and empathize. You are describing my 97 year old MIL, when, upon telling her our plans to marry (39 years ago), replied: "You've got to be kidding!", and walked out of the room. Guess we proved her wrong!
Anyway, the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, recommended by so many on this forum, has helped me tremendously. I strongly recommend reading it and cutting way back on your interaction with mom. No reason AT ALL for your health to suffer.
(lealonnie, you continue to make me smile!)

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If you are asking for help with your IBS then have you ever taken Bentyl? It controls stomach cramps and helps calm your stomach down due to stress/anxiety. There's two versions one where you take a huge dose before bed. One where you can take up to 4 in one day around meal times/stress times. I have used this when I am around my mother to stop me from "Stress pooping".

If you are asking for help with your mother's tongue then I suggest either "gray rocking" or meet her comment with something equally as snappy.

"Did you gain more weight"....... "Mother I'm the exact same weight I was when I last saw you".
"I didn't raise you to associate with blacks." " Ohhh mother I forgot to tell you I got pregnant/fathered a child with a black person in college and that child is now 21 and coming to visit today"

She's trying to engage you and get you to verbally spar with her because she's miserable and you aren't doing exactly what she thought you would. The less you say and the more you stay with facts she will learn that you aren't going to respond or cave in to her demands.

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Could not agree with you more re the Bentyl. I take it as soon as cramps threaten. In 20 minutes they are no more. I think it is a great drug.

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How often do you visit her? What do you when you are there? Are you the only family member who visits her?

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Here's a good article you may want to read that can provide useful tips to cope:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3

Debbie Mirza, the author of this article, also has podcasts and books that are very helpful for children of women like this.

I'm sorry you are so upset after this overnight visit with your 90 y/o mother. If she elicits such a serious reaction in you, perhaps you need to stop with the overnight visits entirely. Can you limit your exposure to phone calls instead? Is she in need of physical help from you at this point in time? If not, I'd limit it to a weekly phone call (or whatever you are able to tolerate w/o having a physical reaction).

It's sometimes difficult to take our OWN health into consideration when caring for an elderly parent with a toxic personality. Ask yourself why you're putting yourself in harm's way like this? Is it 100% necessary to do so? What if you were to get very ill yourself God forbid, and weren't able to visit? How would mom function then?

Remember to take your OWN needs into consideration here before planning another trip to see your mother. Send her a nice plant instead, maybe a Venus Flytrap? :)

Good luck!

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How do I deal with an extremely critical, narcissistic 90-yr-old mother who expects me to devote my life to her now that I have retired?

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