My mom and dad were married for 59 years. Mom died 5 years ago and shortly after my dad had a stroke, which started his dementia. Occasionally he asks me to call my mom. When I tell him that she has passed he says no she is living with some guy. I have taken him to her grave and he says she’s not in there, that she is living with that guy. I have tried agreeing with him which makes him mad and upset. I have tried making him understand she is not living with another man and that she has passed, but that makes him mad also. He has even gone as far as getting all his paperwork together for the lawyer so he can get a divorce. They had a wonderful marriage and I have no clue what to do. Please help.
When he starts up about yoru mother cheating on him and living with another man, tell him that is not true and you refuse to discuss it further. Never go along with a dangerous delusion like that. Then you totally ignore that subject. Refuse to pay any attention to that topic.
If you cannot divert him onto something else and is starting up about getting divorced and talking ill of your late mother tell him very calmly that you don't care what he does about that because it's none of your business. This way you're not agreeing or disagreeing with him. Do not discuss it and do not try to reason with him because that's impossible. Totally ignore that topic.
Never go along with a dangerous delusion. You say your father is getting paperwork together for a divorce so I'm assuming he's not in a memory care facility. He probably should be.
My mother had an imaginary husband after forgetting my dad entirely. She'd get upset when the invisible guy wasn't around, so I'd give him some of my dad's attributes. I'd say, "He left really early for work this morning before you were up," "He'll be home after you go to bed tonight" or "Don't you remember him kicking you in bed last night?"
That usually calmed her down.
Can you think of any of your mom's attributes to apply? She's at the grocery store/getting her hair done/visiting her friend/relative?
Sometimes a plausible answer rather than even the truth of her death is enough to allow you to redirect them to another subject. Even walking out of the room for a minute or two, then returning as though it's a new day can help them reset.
There’s no point in attempting to reason with him, so stop trying.
See if he’ll accept “I don’t know how to reach her by phone, but I’ll see if I can find out for you”.
Don’t agree with his angry reactions. Don’t take hi, to her grave. Don’t try “making him understand” anything. His brain is failing, and his ability to understand is diminishing as his brain fails.
Don’t encourage his work on his divorce, if it allow him peace, even temporarily.
The length or happiness of his marriage have no meaning to him now. Those things are part of your happy memories. His illness has stolen them from him.
It sounds from what you’ve described that you may need to consider looking for residential care (he may NOT need a nursing home, and there are many levels of care that may be VERY GOOD for him) just in case his needs exceed your very kind desire to provide for him in your home.
You suffered some terrible losses. Are you taking really good care of yourself? Please be sure that you do.
You also say in your profile that you lost your mom and your daughter. I’m so sorry for your losses.
You have returned to work. Your husband works too. Who is with your dad when you are working? It doesn’t sound like he should be left alone.
Please consider placing him in a facility where he can be cared for by a staff.
Have you discussed this situation with his doctor? Maybe meds could help with his anxiety over his delusional thoughts of your mom being with another man.
Best wishes to you and your family.
If you have him under the care of a Geriatric Specialist, this will be your best resource most likely on how to cope with and address your father. The reality is that your father's reality is just that, real, to him ! Trying to correct him is futile and anxiety provoking and exhausting for You and him. As long as he is safe and not harming himself nor others it is usually considered best to let the dementia pt be in the space ( mentally) that they are. This is awful to listen to, so redirection may be tried but may not help.
Protect yourself by getting counseling support, practice good self care, ( exercise, good nutrition, see your PCP etc) perhaps join a dementia support group for family/ caregivers, and be sure that you are getting respite care for him so that your physical, emotional, spiritual health can be addressed and nurtured. If he is in your home or you are in his home, it may be past time for you ( POA) to confer with his physician, and or Elder Care Attorney to get options and facility placement referrals for placement into a " memory care" unit.
Who is with him 24/7 now?
If you get ill or unable to care for him, who will care for him 24/7?
Are POA other legal paperwork in place so that you can make decisions on his behalf?
In his mind, the only explanation why she’s not there with him, is that she’s living with another man.
:(
Don’t agree with him. You tried to agree, and he gets upset and your poor mom never cheated on him. Her integrity should be preserved.
Keep telling him the truth. She died. If possible, get someone else (his doctor?) to tell him. Someone with authority, whom he’ll listen more to.
Be prepared that with time, your dad may get other delusions. Luckily he hasn’t accused you of stealing. Paranoia might be the next step.
When I have tried to convince her that her mother is dead is only upsets her and she flat-out refuses to believe it. Sometimes I tell her that her mother is with Jesus and that doesn't upset her - she will sometimes reply "I know".
If I were you, I would try tell my father that his wife was always faithful to him and has not run off with another man. Try to figure out what to say that will make sense in his mind of why she isn't there - maybe she is on a little solo vacation. Or maybe she is visiting family for a month.
This will most likely be on loop from now own no matter what you say, so you'll have a chance to try out different responses and see what works.
Was your Mom a church goer? If so, tell him that she is at church working with so-and-so (someone that your Dad still remembers in a positive way). This should calm him down. The main thing is to acknowledge his feelings and avoid having him re-live any painful experiences. Since he has dementia, he will bring this up again, and you will repeat the same story.
Hope this helps.
I’m guessing OP already tried that, and he said it’s fake.
It’s hard, often impossible, to reason with delusion.
He wants to call her? Vague answers only. "Hmmm, I'm not sure of her phone number. I'll have to look for it later."
If he says she's living with some guy - another vague answer.
You might learn a thing or two about their life you didn't know. 🤷♀️
See if you can get a name out of him. Look the guy up, if there's a real one. Ask him why she left. Did they have a fight? Should you try to find them? Does he have a message for her?
See what answers you can get.
His reality is she can’t be dead and so he’s solved for her not being around with a different reality. Maybe just agree with his reality for now.
We also use photo albums to redirect to happier times.