For various reasons, I began visiting my mother in her new memory care placement at the same time each evening (after dinner until bedtime). She now expects me to come every night at the same time, and if I don't (or even if I am running late), she becomes extremely agitated.
I don't mind visiting nightly (when I can), but I don't want to have to be there at the exact same time every night.
Any advice on how to fade out my visits, or at least change the time of day I visit?
Do what you can at the times you can. Make the adjustments as you see fit. What would happen if for some reason (god forbid) you could no longer visit anymore. She would have to adjust.
Stop feeling guilty and go live your life. Be glad she is safe and cared for.
I know, I say a lot about medicating people with anxiety, but anxiety is painful to live with and painful to see.
I'd also go different times of the day and switch it out.
Our church community was visiting a sister in a NH, every single day for over a year. we'd all go about 2 pm b/c that was her 'best time'--but when it became a real burden and she wasn't remembering anyone's visits--we stopped going. She became anxious if people came and anxious if they didn't so overall, it wasn't helping.
Just a sad SE from brain trauma. Going to see her for an hour was like having 4 separate 15 minute visits. She didn't enjoy them and began reaching out to other residents, which worked out better in the long run.
Of course, that type of consistency is really hard. You might want to speak to a social worker at the institution and ask for assistance in how to communicate in advance with your mother. With my husband, I tell him every day for about a week that I won't be able to come on a certain day and then the day of I call him about 5 times to remind him I won't be coming that evening. Before I call him, I make sure the staff knows I will be calling so he won't miss my call. I find being a Caregiver for a dementia patient just like being a mom. I will never forget the moment my babies first discovered their fist and just started gazing at it. As a Mom, it is so exciting to wantch your babies grow. With my husband, it is exactly the same in reverse. I want him to have as much joy as possible before he transitions.
Me, because Mom would not sit down to eat unless there was food already there, I started coming before dinner. The problem was, Mom would not eat salad. So I sat with her till the main course was served. The aide would say "ready" and I would take Mom to the table. Kiss her on the cheek and leave. She was busy eating.
Will she be unhappy about this, perhaps agitated? Yes. That is for staff to work on. She is likely to adjust.
This isn't fair. Your mother is, if she is competent, being quite selfish in this expectation. I suspect that is because there is some level of dementia. That level of dementia will prevent her in all likelihood from "hanging onto this" and working it over and over in her mind.
She may require sedation at some point. Again, that's a medical decision, and memory care will help in coordinating that.
You didn't cause all this and can't fix it, and making yourself overwhelmed and ill won't help anything. I think a real problem that the children of elders have is that they feel obligated to make life OK. Life is NEVER OK. It wasn't OK for your Mom when she was an able young woman, when she was a mom with a family. Life is ALWAYS full of sad realities. This is one.
I'm sorry to hear that your mother refused to try to acclimate into assisted living. Memory care can be a terrible place for a person to be when they aren't completely out of it with dementia.
I'd look into hiring a private companion of I were you. If it's not possible to financially, there are organizations who do volunteer work keeping elderly people company in care facilities. Ask at the facility she's in if they have any information on it.
When my mom was in rehab, there was a woman in the residential section of the facility with Alzheimer’s disease who wouldn’t eat her evening meal.
I met a wonderful volunteer who would visit her and encouraged her to eat. I think she was part of a faith based organization.
The volunteer told me a very sweet story. One evening, she asked the woman, “Do you know who I am?” The woman replied, “I don’t know your name but I know that you belong to me.” This woman was able to entice her to eat.
I am 76, after dinner, I kick back and relax, all by myself. It is just fine. I am very busy all day.
I am surprised that the staff did not tell you in the first couple of weeks, for the most part, stay away so that the person can acclimate themselves to their new home.
By going every day you are hindering the process. I would start cutting back, jtell her that you cannot come every day, get yourself back to a normal life her being overly dependent on you is not the answer. Good Luck
Are you making this assumption (and association) because she's in an anxious state when you get there?
Is the staff telling you?
She could be sundowning, or just have anxiety in general, which would be very common for someone with dementia.
Is she on any meds for anxiety currently?
Any more info you can provide would be helpful.
Obviously, you care about your mom. She looks forward to seeing you. Please know that you aren’t shortchanging your mom if you aren’t there at the same time every evening.
Visit when you want to. Be comforted knowing that she isn’t alone when you can’t be there.
How long has she been there? Does she interact with the staff? Have you spoken with them about your concerns?
Do you speak with her on the phone? Or just in person visits. Give her a call and check in with her or with the staff to catch up.
Wishing you and your mom all the best.
Memory Care keeps them quite busy during the day, but after dinner there are no structured activities. And I honestly don't know how much interaction she'll have with staff at that time - the nurses look pretty busy keeping up with their duties with other residents.
We haven't gotten her phone hooked up yet, but that's the next step...so perhaps that will help. I haven't gotten to know all the staff and routines yet, so maybe as I get more comfortable, she will too!