Please excuse the lack of punctuation but I’m using Siri to dictate this. First a little about me I’m 51 years old married and still have two kids at home. I am an elder at my local church and at one time we were very active in our church and community. I am self-employed in a very time demanding business. My wife also works full-time. The only sister I had died several years ago so I do not have the support of siblings. We are not very close to my dad's side of the family and most of them are older or have their own families to take care of. While my dad was in his bad health for the many years he was they rarely checked on him. My mom's side of the family is very small. She only has one remaining sibling and he has Alzheimer’s. The only local cousin that I have takes care of his dad and he’s also busy with work and kids. For a long time now I’ve been doing things for my parents which I do not regret. Up until my father died in April they were living at home by themselves and I would just run their errands take them to doctors appointments and check in on them. About six weeks before my father died he was in the hospital and in rehab and I realized very quickly that my mother was not able to stay by herself. My wife and I were taking turns staying with her some at night. After the death of my father we have to stay with her around the clock. We found someone to come in during the day so that we can work. My mother lost over half her income she still has a house payment, utilities, insurance, medicine, basically all the bills that my parents had before my father died. I have on a couple of occasions paid for several of her bills and someone to stay with her but I can no longer afford to do that. However my mother does not have enough coming in to pay someone full time. Her house needs a lot of work which we do not have the money to do. Any money that they have in savings we’re having to use for bills and it’s not going to last much longer. My dad had a life insurance policy but a lot of that went to pay for funeral and final Dr.’s bills. For the last few months now my life has basically consisted of waiting on the caregiver, going to work, working a full days work, coming here to relieve the caretaker, and taking care of my mom at her home, and staying away from my family. Our house is not large enough to bring her in and my kids do not want to move up here and I don’t feel that it’s right to uproot them. My loving wife is very good to help but I have told her this is not her responsibility. We no longer have a normal life. We have not gone anywhere but one or two times as a family together not even to church services. Between my business, my home, my mother’s home, and we actually help My mother-in-law with her grass and property, even though she lives with my sister-in-law. My business is starting to suffer, my marriage is starting to suffer, time with my kids is suffering, responsibilities at my home and other places are going undone. My youngest son is still in high school and he plays football and the season is about to start and I do not wanna miss all his games but we can’t afford for anyone to stay with her at night. One of the other issues that I have is before my dad died he told me that number one he did not want my mom going into a nursing home unless she just got to a point that she didn’t know anyone or anything and number two he said that he did not buy this house to give it to anyone other than his family. He said giving it to a nursing home or the state was not an option. I don’t have the heart to put my mother in a nursing home right now because she does know quite a bit even having dementia and Alzheimer’s. She has even told me that she did not want me to do like they did their mother and her sister and put them in the nursing home and throw them away. I am not the kind to say that I am depressed, but I am tired of not having a normal life. I find myself getting irritated more and my wife is getting more and more agitated. I need help.
Break this promise right now since your father didn't know what he was asking and you had no way of knowing what you were agreeing to. It's not possible and you are seeing it, feeling it but not wanting to believe it.
"...he said that he did not buy this house to give it to anyone other than his family he said giving it to a nursing home or the state was not an option."
It IS an option -- the best option -- for your mom to pay for the care she needs and the relief you and your family needs. What will happen as she continues to decline? And, unless the Lord takes her in her sleep, she will continue to decline and her needs will continue to increase and so will your stress and financial problems.
You are getting more irritated and agitated because you are approaching burnout.
Your first priority is your wife and family, not your mother. She can get good care by others.
People your parents' age have very bad memories of nursing homes, but the newer good ones are completely different. Maybe you should just go visit one on your own to see. You have options, they just feel difficult to make, but if you don't want to burn up your family and resources, you'll need to do it. Your mom will be ok. My MIL is in very nice facility in LTC on Medicaid. She gets great care. Your mom can, too.
On his deathbed, my dad asked me to promise I'd 'take care of mom' and I did. I promised him I would, and I did. I managed her entire LIFE for her for the next 7 years, in Assisted Living, then Memory Care AL, as she continued to decline with dementia. I fulfilled my promise to dad AND I took excellent care of mom in the process. Win-win. I didn't lose my mind, my marriage, or my own home financing her care either, b/c I managed THEIR money properly.
I suggest you do the same for your mother and don't get bogged down with those 'promises' dad had you make. Promise YOURSELF and your wife & children that you will take care of them AND your mother by getting her placed in the managed care facility that works best for all of you. No guilt, no remorse, just an adult son doing right by his mother. "Throwing her away" doesn't for one moment describe what you're doing by placing her in a lovely Memory Care residence where teams of caregivers will work round the clock to see that she's cared for properly. Then you and your family can go visit her there and take her gifts and photos and spend quality time together instead of trying to finagle 1000 things as you're doing now.
Wishing you the best of luck taking a realistic look at what needs to happen here, for ALL of you.
When my Dad [who was in his 90's] decided it was time to sell his house and use the equity to pay for senior living, he loved the place so much he wished he would have moved in sooner. Even though Dad was shy, he still enjoyed being around people from his generation.
My Dad started out in the Independent Living section having a really nice apartment which had a full size kitchen, large living room, 2 bedrooms. Dad did option to eat his meals in the main restaurant style dining room. It was interesting seeing the women residents dressed to the nines at dinner time :)
Later when Dad's memory was starting to fail, he was moved to the Memory Care section of the senior facility, to what my Dad would call "his college dorm room". He was quite content being there.
You don’t want to have mother in assisted living or anything like it because it would make YOU feel bad. You will have to set that aside.
What’s best for her is 24/7 care and access to medical personnel any time she needs it. You said you can’t keep up with all her needs and demands, and you’re right. No one can! You cannot give her the care she needs anymore, and that is not your fault.
So if you can’t stay with her, and you would feel like a bad person if you placed her… your only option is to hire 24/7 in home care. And that isn’t cheap.
Mom needs placement. There are thousands of elders in assisted living that have all their mental faculties.
Surely you want your life back rather than a house, right?
This to me says it all: "My business is starting to suffer my marriage is starting to suffer time with my kids is suffering responsibilities at my home and other places are going undone."
Assuming you have POA/HCPOA, find a facility for your mother and stop killing yourself, your marriage, and your relationship with your kids.
Do you see any other options?
As for the house, if the money is needed for her care then so be it. These deathbed promises are based on emotion not common sense. Who is supposed to pay for her care?
Your mother & fathers mindset is old school, homes today are very nice. I have one in AL and another in MC, both are happy and well cared for.
Whatever money they have is being used for their care, and that is what it should be used for, my brother & I sold their homes and we certainly don't expect the taxpayers to pay for their care.
Don't let your mother manipulate you, this could go on for a long, long time, my mother is 97 and still going strong.
I put my mother in a nursing home as it was the best option for everyone, most importantly my kids who were young teens at the time. My father never got any joy out of life, never established a relationship with my kids, went to a bar or ball game, all things he loved, once he started caring for my mother. I refuse to live like that.
My mother is happy in her home. She gets better care, gets all of her meals brought to her, can interact when she wants, and is in better shape than ever! I know I won't have an inheritance but spending time with my kids, especially as they are approaching college age, is priceless. You will never get this time back with your kids, it will take time to improve your relationship with your wife and the impact on your business could be huge.
You shouldn't feel any guilt over wanting the best life for you and your family. Your mother will be well cared for as there are good places out there. Sell the house as you need to stop paying for her care yourself. She could need care for years and the only option will be to use the assets in the house.
Take a tour of a Memory Care facility.
My mother’s is like a beautiful hotel with terrific activities.
My mother is be well cared for.
The staff is caring and compassionate.
Her home was sold for her care. The proceeds pay for her monthly rent.
Rent includes meals, showering, suite cleaning, activities and special programs.
Touring a few Memory Care facilities leaves you under no obligation. You may just leave with a little hope of getting back to your normal life.
You can get back to being a husband, Dad, and a visiting son, not an overnight caregiver.
I understand your dad saw that the house was a result of his hard work and not putting your mom into care was his vision of caring for your mom. Well, he wasn't correct. Certainly that hard work was done for her care, but it should be translated into getting the best care possible, and in your mom's case, memory care may well be the best care for her.
You and your wife are simply not equipped to do everything she needs. You are not to pay her bills -- that's what her savings and Dad's life insurance are for -- because you have your own retirement years to think about. There is nothing out there that says family members are magically qualified to be caregivers, and once you see how caregiving is done in a memory care facility, you'll understand why. It's done in teams around the clock, and that's simply not possible for you and your wife to do. You must realize that first and foremost. You are not Superman.
As others have said, nursing homes are nothing like they once were, and if Mom is "thrown away," that's because you put her in there and never go to see her again. I know that's not what you'd do. What you'd be doing is spending quality time with her, because someone else will be doing the hands-on work and you won't be frazzled anymore.
You must be realistic -- you also have your wife's parents to deal with, and this is multiplying your duties even more. It just isn't possible to be all things to all people, and your own family must come first. Give yourself permission to extract yourself from an unreasonable promise your father requested. He didn't know what he was talking about in the context of nursing homes, and honestly, he just didn't leave enough money to enable the kind of care at home that he wanted for your mom.
My own dad literally ran himself into the grave caring for my mother, and that's because it was what he wanted to do. He was honoring his vows which I respected and he never would have put her in a nursing home, so I gave him my help as I was able. However, when my dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and was going to die before my mother, he told me in no uncertain terms not to sacrifice my life and my family caring for my mother and arranged for her to have a place to live in a nearby nursing home. I lived an hour from my folks, and I would have had to move in with Mom, because my house couldn't be retrofitted to make it accessible to her. As it was, I lived with and cared for both of them for the six weeks my dad was sick, and I lost 10 pounds and never slept more than four hours a night. I was absolutely impossible for me to have kept that up for any period of time, and as it was, my mother -- the more sickly of my two parents -- lived another 2 1/2 years after my dad died.
Give yourself permission to make the best decision for your mother's care. Your dad was working with outdated information, as is your mother, and you have to do what's best for EVERYONE involved. Do not feel guilty because you don't follow your dad's request -- you're the one in charge of this family now, and it's time to make the tough decisions.
Good luck to you.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.
When it comes to Medicaid, if the house can't be kept up you sell at Market rate and use the proceeds towards Moms care. If you hold onto it till her death, it becomes an asset that Medicaid can recover what they put out on Mom. A lien is put on the house. If sold the lean needs to be satisfied. The only way this would not happen is if someone was willing to pay the lean, family proving they had been living with the recipient prior to placing and they were caregiver for 2 yrs at least, or a disabled child. In the last 2 instances they have to prove they can maintain the house. So, holding onto the house may not be a good option.
You care very much about the promise you made to your dad, and if he was a kind and loving dad then he meant well. However, like my dad, he was not all knowing and all seeing, and you've promised something that is not longer the right thing to do. Would he have asked for that promise if he knew it meant huge damage to your health and marriage? Would he have asked if he knew he was asking for a worse life for your mom? You can honor the spirit of your promise by making the best decision for the people he loved, which is both you and your mother.
My mom wanted to leave a little inheritance to me and my sister… her mobile home had to be sold to pay for AL… A month before she passed away I had to surrender the meager $16000 life insurance, that got away at with surrender fees and income tax withholding, to pay her rent. Can’t have either the house or insurance to qualify for Medicaid.
I posted below about care advisors… find one to help you.. invaluable
1 - Get a thorough evaluation from a doctor. Ask the doctor to check her over for all diseases - chronic and acute - so that she is getting all the care she needs. Ask the doctor to evaluate her cognition and recommend the type of home she needs: assisted living, skilled nursing care, or memory care. The doctor's recommendation will guide your next steps.
2 - Based on your mom's needs, start looking for places that she can move to that are near your home. Look online at first and then narrow the choices down to 3-5 places. Since money is tight, consider places that will accept Medicare/Medicaid.
3 - Do telephone interviews and set up in-person "visits." When you have arrived at about 3-ish good choices, take mom for visits in person. Make arrangements for her to do "respite" in a couple of places- a short stay - so you and your wife can get a long-needed break.
4 - When you have decided on the place(s), get mom onto their waiting list. Some waits are very short; others not so much. When she is accepted, help her pack and move in. Her "new home" will provide her with opportunities to make friends, do fun things, and allow you to visit frequently - without the burnout you are suffering from.
5 - Sell the house and use the money to pay for mom's care. Houses, furniture, land... are all "stuff" that are to be used to sustain us, not be a burden.
Someone can move in with Mom. But it can’t be one of your family on a permanent basis, obviously. And hiring someone to live at Mom’s house can be expensive, plus you have to vet them thoroughly.
You don’t have room for Mom to move in with you, so that is not an option.
You can’t keep going the way you’ve been going, because your life is falling apart. Your family must come first. Your children absolutely must come first. They are more your responsibility than your Mother is.
The final option is to move Mom somewhere else. Make sure it is a facility that accepts Medicaid for later. The best option may be to put the house up for sale now, not down the road. Then use the proceeds to pay for Mom’s room. When she is almost out of funds, have the facility help you apply for Medicaid. They will then just switch her from Private Pay to Medicaid. They will use her social security as part of the payment, she will get to keep a small amount.
It sounds like you are at a breaking point where you have to do something. No matter what anyone has said in the past, things can’t stay as they are and her house will be needed to pay for future medical costs. Everyone’s wishes can’t change those facts. I hope you get some relief soon.
Your Dad had wishes, but he is not here to make them come true, nor was it fair of him to burden you with fulfilling the wishes he couldn't fulfill. You have wishes, too, and you do have opportunities to make them come true.
See if you can locate a few Assisted Living arrangements where they do accept Medicaid. If you locate her near enough, you and your whole family can visit. Those visits could instill lessons of empathy and compassion in your children.
This can be a "win-win" situation if you don't allow guilt to eat away at your resolve to make mom and your family happy.
Not one doctor would help with placement in rehab or a nursing home. One was helpful getting his drivers license removed. Not one doctor helped with getting in home care or medical aids. It was up to me. Who are these doctors who help you? What do you have to say to them? On the recommendation of a physical therapist I had bars put in the shower and bedroom and paid for it myself. I also bought an electric bed and chairs with arms and paid for it.
One well known hospital tried to release him after surgery when his blood pressure was at 60. I had to bar the door myself and refuse to let him leave until his blood pressure was normal. And they would not send him to a nursing facility. The surgeon said he would be "just fine" after surgery. He was not. He could not walk and the doctor was not available.
I had to hire my own staff at $30 an hour, two hour minimum. A friend gave me a referral to a home care agency, thank goodness. Most helpers were absolutely great and to them I am forever grateful. A few were not. I found NO ONE who would stay overnight, ever. That meant I had to get up at 2 or 3 AM and help him to the bathroom, every night. And if he had nightmares I had to be there. It ruined my health.
Finally he got sicker, was hospitalized, then moved to a nursing home (no choice, just whichever one the social worker picked that had an empty bed). Then he died.
All of your kind suggestions are very nice, but nothing worked except getting in- home health care, which you have to pay for yourself. (You can write it off on your taxes, at least so far). Fortunately he had good insurance for the doctors and hospitalizations. End of story.
KEEP MOM AT HOME:
Pros: kept promise to dad
pay mom back for taking care of me as a child and helping me out as an adult
get to keep mom and dad's house and keep mom in it.
Cons: possibly ruin my marriage and family
undo stress on my wife and me
could have long term mental consequences for my children
possible major financial problems and maybe loss of my business
could cause health issues for my family and me (stroke, heart problems, etc)
mom doesn't get the care she needs
house does not get maintained as it should be and value decreases
loss of time with my family and inability to maintain any friendships
and, on and on
If it were me, I wouldn't have to look past #1 on the con list. Mom may only have a couple of years left and do I want to throw away my marriage and my family basically out of guilt. Not me!
Some never think about that caring for aging parents is very different than our parents caring for us( we were the immediate family as opposed to now having our own immediate family). Our lives, our aspirations and dreams, even our families suffer due to “lack of”….
Some of my thoughts are to possibly offer room and board to someone with caregiving experience, the agreement can be worked out as to whatever benefits it offers other than a place to stay.
If a senior day care is available then check into it
Also is it possible to utilize her house as a senior day care or elder care? I know it involves zoning, permits and other business plans but, it’s and idea, it could supply and need and incorporate an income.
I usually throw in on this forum about bartering ( a favor for a favor)
utilize social media or friends and family ?
Im just giving my 1st thoughts on something that can hopefully create a spark!
If all else fails she may have to go to a NH or equivalent ( your quality of life is paramount as we only go this way once💕
Those of us that actually care and have compassion never just throw them in a NH, we visit, we call, we take them out if permissible.
Our lives can carry on because we cared enough to make sure (they’re cared for even if it’s not us doing the physical care )… that’s loyalty, dedication and love!
Wishing that you find the peace of mind you need. ❤️🩹
My own late mother was barely scraping by, demanding to live alone in her own home many states away from me. She wanted to 'save' her home for her two adult kids. I told her that I had built my life by working very hard and basically, I didn't require an inheritance.
You should contact a local AL and ask them to assess your mother to determine if she is a good candidate for that type of community. They are experienced in dealing with the finances of the elderly. And be aware, most of these facilities are for-profit and want to make money for the owners. You might have to do a lot of research to find a place that is a good fit. A Place for Mom (not an endorsement) was a big help in finding some places to look into and for advice about finances.
Then sit down and figure out her finances. I was where you are a few years ago with my mother. It was costing more to keep her in her home than her income was bringing in. I made it very clear that I was not going to be her housekeeper or do repairs. If she wanted to stay in the house she was going to have to pay the bills. It really wasn't safe for her to stay there alone and she didn't want to live with any of her children who are all in our 60's.
I finally convinced her to at least tour a couple of places and she decided it was a good idea. Laundry, housekeeping, meals, activities, social interaction all provided!
With Social Security as her only income and some savings I knew money would be tight but in reality she was 90 years old so I only needed to stretch her money for a few years, and then if necessary apply for Medicaid. (In Ohio Medicaid does NOT pay for AL fees although some will accept the waivers if the person has been a resident for 2 years, each state has it's own rules) So once she selected the AL she wanted to live in we sold her house and that money was what I used to pay her fees.
I think she was content in AL, she complained a lot but then she did that when living in her house. My father, before his death, worried about what would happen to her. I promised him I would look out for her and do what was best for her care.
The most important thing for you right now is to protect your own retirement assets so your children don't have to go through this in 20 years time.
Can you speak with fellow parishioners for suggestions, call you county dept on aging to begin the process?
I went through a similar situation with my mom, and honestly things worked out well. My mom became quite frail, but did very well in assisted living. We did move her to memory care, which was amazing. Her dementia wasn’t too bad, but the higher staff ratio meant better care, and the aides loved her because she was more with it.
As others have said, sell the house. Don’t worry about the condition; the market is still hot. Explore funding options, my mom received Aid and Attendance thru the VA, which helped a lot. Her memory care participated in a voucher program which would have provided nearly half of her monthly rent if she stayed there 12 months. Perhaps your state has something similar. But you need to explore what is available in your state.
My mom very recently passed away. But let me tell you about her last day at her memory care. After breakfast they had church ( they had some sort of spiritual group daily), then coffee and danish. They had a group about Greek culture before lunch, and after lunch made Baklava. I visited her before dinner, and after dinner, she watched “my Big Fat Greek Wedding.” I was so happy that she had such an awesome day before she passed away. I never thought she could have afforded such a great place, but with some planning a searching it happened.
Best wishes; you’re an amazing son!
It is especially difficult when the caregiver has a full time job and a busy schedule and commitments. There are other considerations as well, such as stairs or other physical barriers that make it impossible. There are good care options; it doesn’t have to be a nursing home. And regular family visits keep staff on their toes.