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Taking her for drives and back home might work. My mom would wait for me at assisted living to get her and take her home, which was most likely her childhood home. I'd drive her into the countryside or to the mountains and back to assisted living. That worked for years. If your spouse is not able to handle going for outings, maybe take her around in the house and back to her room. Trying to convince her that she is home will not work. It's exhausting, I know, but keep trying to divert the conversation or telling her what time you will be taking her home, after lunch, tomorrow, whatever will satisfy for the moment.
I love all the suggestions so far; do know this is very very common and a question we have seen before on AC. You cannot know, in the case of dementia, what "old home" she is imagining. The one from childhood? The one from early marriage? If you have photo albums and scrapbooks, sit with her and look through them. She may suddenly say "There's HOME! Why don't we go back there". And again, she may not. All of this just comes out of a mind so different to yours it is not understandable. As the late Oliver Sacks, who studied the aging brain with such fascination, said: "They have a whole world; it just isn't OUR world." I sure wish you the best. Meanwhile deflect with "I think we are going tomorrow" when "We ARE home" doesn't work.
I have found with my wife, it is not a physical place it is a mental place. It is back where she knows what's going on. It can be very difficult to face this with them. We must remember their brain does not work like ours.
Totally agree; your spouse realizes she is not in her old familiar place. Maybe try to have things that could remind her of the home she remembers, photos, decorative items, etc. These might help her feel this facility is not as 'foreign' and 'wrong' to her diminished mind, help her accept it as current home. I know personal items can disappear in facilities, but try to have things with her that she used before, a favorite blanket/throw, towels, robes, etc. It must be scary/confusing to be in a strange place; even when we are still in our right minds an institutional environment (hospital, etc.) can be distressing, feel cold, impersonal. Make her new 'home' as personal as you can for her.
Sounds like she needs a Geriatric psychiatrist who can prescribe medications to deal with her mental health problems and help you understand how the brain gets stuck in time and memories.
My husband is blind and has Dementia and he often asks about going home. I say many scenarios: we are already at home, we’ll go home tomorrow, it’s too late at night we’ll go home tomorrow, or we’re in our hometown already, I try to stay positive in my response, so he’ll know I’m listening to him. Sometimes, I’ll walk around inside the house with him this gives him a sense of traveling home.
Wanting to go home, for a dementia patient, is most often him expressing a desire for comfort and familiarity, of how things were when she was young and living with not a care in the world. She can BE at home and ask to GO home, which frequently happens. She's not looking for a brick and mortar building as much as a place in time she's lost, sadly. She's looking for comfort.
The worst thing you can do is to tell her she IS home because she won't be comforted by that statement and may actually get more agitated instead. Hug her and tell her you love her very much and hold her hand, kiss her cheek. Let her know you'll always be there for her as a familiar loved one. Then offer her a snack or to walk around the grounds with her. Divert her, in other words.
Richk55: Unfortunately your spouse lacks the capacity to understand that home, to her, is not really a brick and mortar structure, but rather a place where she lived as a much younger person. You'll have to change the conversation, e,g. 'let's get a snack/treat.'
Be careful about wandering. She may slip out in the dead of night to find her "home". In my MIL's case we installed a latch high on the front door out of her reach.
I wrote this poem when she was wandering:
Is this my home, I’m not so sure. The rooms look strange, do I live here?
I’ll walk tonight to my childhood farm, It’s just beyond the door, what’s the harm?
I’m down the street, a block away, No moon tonight and I’ve lost my way.
I have no coat and I’m very cold. I live around here, I think I’m told.
Alzheimer's is a dread disease. Which way home, tell me please.
She is remembering "a home" from her past. Ask her about what home looks, smells, sounds... like. Try to incorporate some of these experience memories in the evenings - when she is more likely to be tired and confused.
This is hard, but it happens a lot. Resist the urge to say “You are home,” because arguing will only make her feel worse. Probably she isn’t feeling comfortable, or “at home” in that moment, and wants to be where she will feel better. Sometimes leaving a place for a while and coming back is helpful. You might try asking some questions to see where “home” is to her right then. It might be the last place she lived, or where she lived as a child. Maybe it’s somewhere you lived as a young couple. That can give you a clue to what she is missing, and offers you some ideas of ways to make her feel better. What are some of the things about that particular “home” that she loved? Is she missing her parents and wants to feel safe? Offer her reassurance that she is cared for and protected. Use opportunities to “segue” into a familiar, pleasant subject. “I remember your mom made the best chocolate cake. I wonder if we have any chocolate cake. Let’s go make some coffee and see.” Talk about the little kitchen in your first house, maybe dig up some old pictures, or play some old music from that time period. When all else fails, focus on the feelings, and let her know you’re there for her. “I know you don’t feel at home right, now, and I’m sorry. Can I do anything to make you feel better?” For more helpful advice like this and other tips for caregivers of people living with dementia, visit St. John's Online Dementia Resource Center at https://dementia.stjohnsliving.org/
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It can be very difficult to face this with them. We must remember their brain does not work like ours.
The worst thing you can do is to tell her she IS home because she won't be comforted by that statement and may actually get more agitated instead. Hug her and tell her you love her very much and hold her hand, kiss her cheek. Let her know you'll always be there for her as a familiar loved one. Then offer her a snack or to walk around the grounds with her. Divert her, in other words.
Best of luck to you navigating a tough situation
Sometimes I take her to the basement and show her familiar items, this can work.
Thanks for all your ideas, I would like to think I'll get a handle on this, maybe in time.
I wrote this poem when she was wandering:
Is this my home, I’m not so sure.
The rooms look strange, do I live here?
I’ll walk tonight to my childhood farm,
It’s just beyond the door, what’s the harm?
I’m down the street, a block away,
No moon tonight and I’ve lost my way.
I have no coat and I’m very cold.
I live around here, I think I’m told.
Alzheimer's is a dread disease.
Which way home, tell me please.
Love your poem.