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We are 70 and 79 yrs old, and have been her caretakers for 10 yrs. She is a very negative person (and always has been). I left home when I was 18 and moved 300 miles away from her. She is profoundly deaf, and constantly accuses me of fusing at her. She has a way of trying to make me feel like I'm abusing her simply by suggesting an assisted living home. My husband and I have sacrificed the best of our retirement years for her. She refuses to even go for respite care, so that we can have a break. She can be very verbally abusive, and is manipulative. I feel like a doormat! She threatens self harm if we put her in assisted living.

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It doesn't sound like she's interested in what you have to say or why you want her out. I'd consult with an attorney to see what process you need to have her removed. I'd confirm whether you need eviction process due to the living arrangement. Or, since she has threatened self harm, you can also ask about involuntary commitment.
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PandabearAUS Feb 2020
This a good answer. Follow through
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Well, I suppose you can get her to the hospital for the next 'issue' she has and let them know that you cannot possibly take her home with you, that she must be placed in a SNF. The social worker at the hospital will find a spot for her. If she's threatening self harm or suicide, I'd call 911 the moment she utters the words and have her taken off to the hospital for observation. That's when you let them know you're no longer capable of caring for her, that you have your own health issues to worry about!

Bless you and give you the strength and courage you need to get your mother placed and to move on with your lives. You've done more than enough for her for the past 10 years. Enough is enough.
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lorac1950 Feb 2020
Thank you for confirming to me what I know has to be done. I am so sad, depressed , and burned out. My husband is my rock, but at 79 he shouldn't have to deal with all this. Two nights ago she was screaming at him, and saying that she wished that she had died before I was born. She paints herself as a victim, and says that no one has had a worse life than her. She resents that she is old, and hearing impaired. For our own survival we have to do this. Thank you
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She is manipulating you, and it is working. As soon as she threatens to harm herself call 911, have her committed and then refuse to take her home as you also are aged and can no longer care for her. Then she can be placed and you can start enjoying your retirement.

Don't let keep manipulating you...you and your husband deserve a life too.
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lorac1950 Feb 2020
Actually, that is what we should have done two nights ago. She made the threat of suicide then. I was so upset that I wasn't thinking straight. But after finding this website, and getting the confirmation from others about what has to be done, we are going to take action to make the change. Even at 97 my mother is not senile, and is very aware of what she is saying and doing.
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The reality is she's NEVER going to understand that you cannot continue to care for her. And if manipulation and guilt are her ways of getting her way just walk away when she talks to you, Don't listen, don't explain, don't engage.

Does she have money to pay for caregivers, or for an assisted living/long term care situation or will you need to get her on Medicaid? You are going to need help negotiating all of this. I would try to find a geriatric social worker to help you identify options on how to get her placed in another living situation. You need to be very clear to everyone that you cannot continue to do this.
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lorac1950 Feb 2020
Thank you. I know she will never understand. I've been waiting all my life for her to consider others----it's not going to happen.
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You may have to just be blunt. Can she afford an AL? If so, look for a nice affordable one. Tell her she will be moving to an apartment of her own. That your Caregiving days are over. Your husband is now 79. You want to enjoy what time u both have left. And since she is not cooperative, you took the initiative.
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lorac1950 Feb 2020
Thank you. I think I just needed confirmation to do what I know has to be done.
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Just tell her how it is and follow through it’s just another example of how living too long in this time impacts on others. At your age you should not have this worry
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Your are directing your attention away from the essential issue- she needs to be safe and cared for, and you can no longer meet those needs.

She cannot “make you feel” ANYTHING. Feelings come from our own thoughts and values. You have made a heroic, martyrdom attempt to satisfy her, and even that is no longer working.

You cannot “make her understand” for numerous reasons including age, temperament, hearing deficit, and personality, and you cannot allow yourself to be intimidated by her threats or refusals if you have decided that you deserve to enjoy the ability to co tell the amount of time (if any) you want to spend with her.

If YOU want YOUR life to be different, place her in the best setting SHE can afford and allow the TRAINED PROFESSIONALS there to deal with all of the negative behaviors (including suicidal ideation) to control you. You may well be surprised to find that after a period of time she will become comfortable in her new surroundings and her hostility and manipulation towards you may diminish. OR, she may continue to react in the same way she had before the move, but YOU will be spared living life on her terms 24/7/365.

You ARE entitled to a different life, but you must CHOOSE it.
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Lorac, book a vacation. A long vacation like a 3 week cruise.

Tall your mom that you will be gone and that either you or she will need to make arrangements for her care during your absence. "Woukd you like me to do that mom, or will you take care of that yourself?"

Call your local Area Agency on Aging for a needs assessment so you know exactly what her care needs are.

Take her to the doctor soon and tell doctor that entry to AL is imminent and that mom needs an updated physical and TB test (get a list of entry requirements from one of your local ALs). Be sure to tell the doctor about her threats of self harm. She certainly needs a geriatric psych work-up if she says this frequently.

Keep your tone positive and upbeat. Refuse to engage in her negativity. Leave the room or the house if she attempts to guilt you.

You CAN do this. Your life, your needs and happiness matter!
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lorac1950 Feb 2020
Thank you so much for your responses. I just found this site last nite----and already feel so much better, just knowing that there are those out there who understand what my husband and I are going through. Moms Jeckel and Hyde personality has kept me feeling guilty for even thinking of making other arrangements for so long. But now I see that we've got to do something for our own survival.
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Lorac, Google "Narcissism" and you may get some answers about your mother.
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lorac1950 Feb 2020
Sorry to be bothering you again, but just had to tell you----I looked up Narcissism------and OH MY GOSH!!!! The ten signals ALL fit my mother! My poor daddy had such a hard time living with her. He drowned it in alcohol. I've never been able to put my finger on her personality disorder----but now I know. Thank you again
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Screaming at your husband and threatening suicide? That's a 911 call.

Have her taken to the ER and state firmly that you can no longer care for her.
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I’m glad to see you’ve gotten good advice in such a difficult situation and have responded that you’re ready to take positive steps to make life better. I hope you don’t assume this will ruin life for your mom, she may find things improve for her also as she’s clearly not happy with how things are. Even if she remains unhappy, that’s not on you, we all can only provide happiness and contentment for ourselves. You’ve done great as a caregiver for your mom, you’ll continue in that role, but as an advocate for her in her new setting. Please come back and let us know how it goes after the move
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You could make arrangements at an AL. Tell her you are going on a vacation. That you have arranged for her to stay at a hotel type place where she won't have to worry about anything. (Don't say AL) Make sure that vacation is for a few weeks. ( meaning if u come home don't go see her) Don't leave a phone for her. Tell AL too only call if its an emergency. Tell the AL what ur doing. Then when u do see her, tell her then that u both decided while you were away that you no longer can care for her so she will be staying at the AL where she can be cared for.

This is going to be hard. If she starts screaming, walk out the door. Don't allow her to abuse you. She is 97. Please don't feel guilty. Modern medicine is good but it has allowed our parents to live longer than they can care for themselves. Seniors caring for seniors. You deserve to have a retirement free of responsibility.
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