Four years ago my now 91 year old uncle asked me to take over as his health care surrogate and dpoa. I did not want this responsibility but agreed. He has no children and there was no one else to help. My cousin moved our uncle into an ALF from his home up north because he was sick and needed care. But my cousin financially abused our uncle and this is when my uncle asked me to help. A few months ago, my uncle went inpatient hospital after several falls. He is now only able to barely walk with a walker. I moved him into a VA Medical Foster Home because it provides the care and supervision he needs and is affordable. His memory continues to decline along with his physical health. Of late, he has said to me and his caregivers that he never signed a dpoa or health care surrogate paperwork even though it's all documented that he signed for this. He is now accusing me of stealing from him because I have held onto his debit card since he left the hospital. I have never stolen from him. Though I take him to his bank and show him there is nothing missing and provide the cash he asks for monthly, he still doesn't believe me or the caregivers who have seen his bank statements. He is increasingly verbally abusive towards me over this. He doesn't respect that I work full-time and have my own life to live. He gets angry when I don't drop everything to take him to Walmart or elsewhere. He seeks to control and manipulate me. Though I have met with him and his VA home care medical team including his psychologist to help him understand the above, he is fine for a day or two and then returns to the same behaviors that are causing me tremendous stress and sadness. The situation is becoming unbearable. The caretakers have told me that he threatens to hail a cab to get him to the bank even though I take him when he asks. Yesterday, they found him in the driveway sitting on his walker. I was told that it took 30 minutes to convince him to go back into the house. The primary caregiver has told me that if my uncle does this again I may have to find another place for my uncle to live. I recognize that I am dealing with a narcissistic personality who has also been diagnosed with dementia. My patience is waning. I do not know how to proceed.
You ANSWER TO THE COURTS so you need meticulous files and records on every penny into and out of his accounts. He can, if an attorney believes him, ask for an accounting through the courts, so be ready for that.
As to what you do about someone with dementia accusing you of things? You can let it flow like water off the duck's back, because it's very common.
It is sounding as though he is heading for memory care and a locked facility. That will be costly and his funds, unless he's wealthy indeed will soon be gone and you will be applying for Medicaid.
It's time now that he has no access to his own account.
What I did with my brother was give him a small account of his own to manage, which I arranged with bank and oversaw. And I handled all other bills in and payments out and all records. If there are any assets of any real amount here I would consider hiring a Fiduciary to help. This is a huge job.
If he isn't on meds for anxiety and depression, he should be. This is really the only thing that will help him. My 95-yr old Mom now occasionally gets paranoid about my financial oversight of her accounts. No matter that I print out statements and talk her through everything. It. Does. Not. Make. A. Difference. So, save your breath. But meds might. And he won't get kicked out.
If your really don't want this responsibility, please talk to a social worker about resigning your PoA. His case will go before a judge who will assign a 3rd party guardian. The guardian has accountability and will take care of all his needs and deal with type of thing instead of you. I have personal experience with a state guardian and it was a very good experience. Don't feel guilty about this. You didn't create this problem and you won't really won't be able to solve it except to accept "least bad" options for your uncle, through no fault of his own, either.
You can help your uncle by working behind the scenes to advocate for him and oversee his personal business. If you wish to continue, don't be as personally involved as you are. Don't visit so often, refuse to prove anything, let someone else take him out when he wants to go. The more you're visible, the more he'll try to blame on you. His brain isn't normal, and it never will be again. Dealing with him as if he is normal isn't going to work.
I'm so sorry, OP. It really is hard when we try to help people and they blame us for things we never did.
Its the Dementia talking. Learn to let it run off your back. As a POA your only responsibility is to take care of his money. You can hire people to take him to the bank and Walmarts. You are not at his beck and call. I find people who have no children or spouses tend to be self-centered, men usually.
To be honest, it's probably time for your uncle to be put in memory care. You're currently in charge of making his decisions so put him in one before he gets kicked out of where he is now.
You do know that as POA you don't have to cater to him or humor him. Your duty as POA is to pay his bills and administer his money appropriately. Your job as Health Agent or Health Surrogate as you call it, is to make decisions about his medical care.
Many times when people accept POA for someone they think it's the same as adopting a child. That as POA you are responsible for the person's entire life, from finding the person a place to live where they are properly cared for to meeting their socialization needs and medical needs.
You're not responsible for all of this as a POA. You're responsible for making medical and financial decisions for him. You don't have to go running because he demands that either you do or he'll call a cab and go. Let him. When he can't tell the cabbie what his address is or where he's going, they'll call the cops. Then the cops will call a social worker and he will get put into a memory care facility.