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What I am going to say may sound brutal. Your mom has diabetes. Your mom is choosing to ignore the doctor's recommendations Your mom's health is declining due to these 2 facts. Your mom is probably frightened that she will loose a foot or a leg if she is admitted to the hospital. Your mom is probably frightened at the realization that she is not going to live a long time.
You feel stressed, worried, sad, afraid, angry and helpless for the very same reasons. You would not be a loving caring daughter if you did not have those feelings. The important this is that they not take over and consume you. You have to realize that YOU can do nothing for your mother but be there for her. That said she is making decisions that directly effect you! You need to tell her that. I hate ultimatums but they are sometimes necessary to get your point across. You could tell her that you are not going to stand by and watch her make poor decisions. If she is living with you tell her you will begin to look for Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing facilities for her. Or if you are living with her you can begin to pack up and look for a place. You love her but you hate seeing her slowly kill herself by not taking care of her own health.
Would she have stood by and watched you get sicker and sicker when you were little or would she have followed the doctors advice to make you well?
Another option and this would be a last option and this is far from easy or pleasant. Also this would probably destroy any relationship you have with mom. Due to her not taking the doctors advice, ignoring her own health IF you can get a doctor to say she is not competent you might be able to obtain Guardianship and force her to get treatment. Courts do not easily take someones autonomy so it may be difficult. And guardianship is not easy.
One final difficult option. She is slowly killing herself. Tell her that you understand and while you do not like it you will stand by her and care for her.
First of all, I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation. It is frustrating. You are totally justified to feel as you do.
Secondly, you mentioned diabetes in your profile. This is serious. She can’t treat herself. She needs the professional care of trained physicians. I am sorry that she is frightened. Fear is normal but she is putting herself at greater risk by trying to treat sores herself.
Do you accompany her to the doctor? Or have access to her medical records? Can you speak to her doctor to inform him/her of what is going on?
It’s obvious that her fear is causing irrational behavior. She is fighting you and other family members so I feel you need to enlist the help of medical professionals to educate her on caring for her diabetes and leading her to the proper treatment.
When she goes to the doctor she refuses to have me come in the room with her and the doctor. She is afraid I will say too much or ask too many questions. Then when she comes out of the appointment she doesn't get the answers I am looking for and/ or does not heed the doctor's advice such as going to see a skin specialist. She's afraid to get admitted to the hospital. She does not want me to talk to her doctor. She does not want me to talk to her siblings about her. She isolates herself. The wounds look scary. I don't know how to help her. A lot of times I just want to walk away.
If you are not allowed to go into doctor office with her.. as she said,,, give her the phone number of the local taxi cab... Get to know the cabby's name and taxi number and his phone number... Keep mom in check and tell her you will schedule the taxi for her next appointment. You have too many things to do instead of waiting in the waiting room for her. She can pay a taxi cab to transport her. Mom, if you don't want or need me in the doctor's office, then I really don't need to accompany you.
Well, your do feel stressed out, worried, sad, etc... It comes with the territory.. You cannot help it, you love mom and don't want to see this happening. ONE THING I WILL TELL YOU... DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.... PLEASE DO NOT THINK.. " IF only I did this, or I did that.." YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN, AND IT IS NOT EASY... YOU ARE DOING WHAT YOU NEED TO DO... LOVE YOUR MOM... DO NOT FEEL GUILTY... \
If she has issues, easiest to check is UTI.... Start there.
She isn’t being fair to you. You have no idea what is going on. She is hiding information from you so she may be hiding it from her doctor too.
Okay, you don’t have access to her private medical information but how do you feel about writing a letter to the doctor as an extremely concerned daughter? Tell her doctor everything that you have told us. Expose her secrets. Tell him about her fear. Hopefully, they will respond accordingly.
I would insist that you would like to go in the office with her. Does she realize how serious diabetes is? Tell her that you are not taking her to the doctor unless she cooperated with you. She is manipulating you. Stand up to her. You deserve better. Obviously, you care about her wellbeing or you wouldn’t be asking for help.
What is her situation with her siblings? Are they close? Do you trust them? Do you want them to know her condition? I respect that you have respected her privacy but she needs medical care. Do you feel like they could influence her to get help?
What is going on with the irrational fear? Does she know others who have lost limbs due to diabetes? Something is triggering this behavior. Has she always been so fearful?
You say that you want to walk away. I understand that. She isn’t allowing you to help her. You’re just a taxi driver for her. This is a horrible situation for you. I’m so sorry. You don’t have to cooperate with her. You can tell her, either you are allowed to speak to the doctor or you are not bringing her.
I'd ask her if she wants to lose her foot? That is a real possibility when sores won't heal when dealing with diabetes. She sounds like she is in denial and if she doesn't think about it, it will go away. It won't. It can be treated without being hospitalized unless she keeps ignoring it. Unless it has turned into cellulitis and then that will probably mean she needs to be hospitalized. Cellulitis can kill her. Sounds like it is time you talked to her like you would your own children. Be firm. Tell her she either lets you help her or you are walking away. I'm sure you won't walk away but you can let her think it. See if that attitude will make her come around to reality.
I agree with Grandma, but I would take this one step further.
I would tell mom that you are going to call a Hospice organization so that she can find out if she qualifies. If she doesn't want any treatment for "what ails her" then that is the next logical step.
Call around and find a hospice that is not for profit and set up a visit for later this week.
Do you have siblings? Are you an only child? She is scared. I totally understand that but doesn’t she realize that you want to speak to her doctor so she can receive the proper care?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Your mom has diabetes.
Your mom is choosing to ignore the doctor's recommendations
Your mom's health is declining due to these 2 facts.
Your mom is probably frightened that she will loose a foot or a leg if she is admitted to the hospital.
Your mom is probably frightened at the realization that she is not going to live a long time.
You feel stressed, worried, sad, afraid, angry and helpless for the very same reasons.
You would not be a loving caring daughter if you did not have those feelings.
The important this is that they not take over and consume you. You have to realize that YOU can do nothing for your mother but be there for her.
That said she is making decisions that directly effect you!
You need to tell her that.
I hate ultimatums but they are sometimes necessary to get your point across.
You could tell her that you are not going to stand by and watch her make poor decisions. If she is living with you tell her you will begin to look for Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing facilities for her. Or if you are living with her you can begin to pack up and look for a place. You love her but you hate seeing her slowly kill herself by not taking care of her own health.
Would she have stood by and watched you get sicker and sicker when you were little or would she have followed the doctors advice to make you well?
Another option and this would be a last option and this is far from easy or pleasant. Also this would probably destroy any relationship you have with mom.
Due to her not taking the doctors advice, ignoring her own health IF you can get a doctor to say she is not competent you might be able to obtain Guardianship and force her to get treatment. Courts do not easily take someones autonomy so it may be difficult. And guardianship is not easy.
One final difficult option.
She is slowly killing herself.
Tell her that you understand and while you do not like it you will stand by her and care for her.
Secondly, you mentioned diabetes in your profile. This is serious. She can’t treat herself. She needs the professional care of trained physicians. I am sorry that she is frightened. Fear is normal but she is putting herself at greater risk by trying to treat sores herself.
Do you accompany her to the doctor? Or have access to her medical records? Can you speak to her doctor to inform him/her of what is going on?
It’s obvious that her fear is causing irrational behavior. She is fighting you and other family members so I feel you need to enlist the help of medical professionals to educate her on caring for her diabetes and leading her to the proper treatment.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
Mom, if you don't want or need me in the doctor's office, then I really don't need to accompany you.
ONE THING I WILL TELL YOU... DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.... PLEASE DO NOT THINK.. " IF only I did this, or I did that.." YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN, AND IT IS NOT EASY... YOU ARE DOING WHAT YOU NEED TO DO... LOVE YOUR MOM... DO NOT FEEL GUILTY... \
If she has issues, easiest to check is UTI.... Start there.
She isn’t being fair to you. You have no idea what is going on. She is hiding information from you so she may be hiding it from her doctor too.
Okay, you don’t have access to her private medical information but how do you feel about writing a letter to the doctor as an extremely concerned daughter? Tell her doctor everything that you have told us. Expose her secrets. Tell him about her fear. Hopefully, they will respond accordingly.
I would insist that you would like to go in the office with her. Does she realize how serious diabetes is? Tell her that you are not taking her to the doctor unless she cooperated with you. She is manipulating you. Stand up to her. You deserve better. Obviously, you care about her wellbeing or you wouldn’t be asking for help.
What is her situation with her siblings? Are they close? Do you trust them? Do you want them to know her condition? I respect that you have respected her privacy but she needs medical care. Do you feel like they could influence her to get help?
What is going on with the irrational fear? Does she know others who have lost limbs due to diabetes? Something is triggering this behavior. Has she always been so fearful?
You say that you want to walk away. I understand that. She isn’t allowing you to help her. You’re just a taxi driver for her. This is a horrible situation for you. I’m so sorry. You don’t have to cooperate with her. You can tell her, either you are allowed to speak to the doctor or you are not bringing her.
Sounds like it is time you talked to her like you would your own children. Be firm. Tell her she either lets you help her or you are walking away. I'm sure you won't walk away but you can let her think it. See if that attitude will make her come around to reality.
I would tell mom that you are going to call a Hospice organization so that she can find out if she qualifies. If she doesn't want any treatment for "what ails her" then that is the next logical step.
Call around and find a hospice that is not for profit and set up a visit for later this week.
It's the compassionate thing to do.
DOES SHE HAVE DNR/POLST?
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