Hi Friends,
I'm new to this forum and I need your wisdom. I'm in my late 30s. My husband and I plan on trying to start a family next month. At my age not sure how long it will take to actually get pregnant. I'm worried about how I'm going to take care of my mom (75 years old) if I end up getting put on bedrest. If everything goes great with the pregnancy, I still will have the birth and healing time that I will be out of commission with helping her. I look at this as a good time to get my mom used to having helpers but she is stubborn and doesn't want it. She prefers to suck up all of my time and energy. She has a landscaper that comes once a week but that's it. She has a large home and yard. I live closeby and am at her house almost everyday. I do all the housecleaning, handman type work, some yard work, answer her emails and do 100% of her errands. This includes grocery shopping, banking, mailing out bills, and taking her out twice a week for a fun activity. She also randomly gets obessed with having something more major fixed at the house every couple of weeks. I then need to fix it or hire a vendor and oversee the work. As for food, she makes breakfast and sometimes lunch. Other times I pick her up lunch and have her dinner delivered. A couple of times a week I bring her to my house for dinner. She has bad eye sight and is very hard of hearing. She also has arthritis and mobility problems but still walks. I would like to hire her a housekeeper and a personal assistant. My mom drives me nuts always sending me to the store for one item and not wanting to pay for delivery. I would like to outsource that to someone else. But even though she could pay for help she is extremely cheap. I do try to order what I can on Amazon but they don't always have everything. My mom is a hoarder and doesn't want anyone in the house. Not sure how to overcome that. I've tried telling her that I won't be able to bring the baby over unless she cleans up but she doesn't see any urgency since I'm not pregnant yet. I told her I don't want to be hauling a lot of junk to the dumpster when I'm pregnant but again she shrugged and didn't seem to care. I'm an only child with no other family help. Her house can get away with no cleaning while I'm out of commission but down the road she will need more care and someone coming into the house. This would be a great time to get her used to help. Any suggestions on how best to outsource her care and get her to agree to it? Worst case scenario, I could send her to a hotel for a few weeks when I give birth but all of her bills will still need to be paid as she refuses auto pay. Sigh. By the way I don't have POA and she refuses to see a lawyer. She built her life around her house. She has just a couple of friends. She's long divorced. She loves to work in her vegetable garden. Getting her to downsize is not something I will be able to accomplish before getting pregnant so I can't think of that as an immediate option. I love my mom and want to take care of her. She just makes it difficult sometimes when she is so set in her ways. Any advice is appreciated :)
Her option would be to go to Assisted Living for the time you would be unable to help her. And if I might add you need to think about how much you will actually be able to do for mom after even a normal childbirth and caring for a newborn.
Questions like this should be thought about more often. As a caregiver what happens if you are in an accident on the way to the store? What happens if you slip off a curb and break an arm or leg? No one can predict what will happen to us at any moment but planning in advance does take some worry out of things. (I set up a "special needs trust" that would have provided for my Husband if something happened to me but he would have probably been placed in a Memory Care facility)
You really should discuss options with her if she is able to truly understand that you may not be able to help her for a while.
You might want to start by not "helping" her for an extended period of time.
If she calls and needs something from the store tell her to have it delivered. If she needs a ride tot he bank, hairdresser, post office...Cab or Uber.
She has you trained...now it is time for you to try to train her.
Stop doing all this work for her, at least some of which she hasn't even asked you to do. If she can make breakfast, and she can make lunch when she wants to, then she can also make dinner. How has it become your mission to see to it?
Tell her you're stepping back, then step back. You have more important things to focus on! :)
I think you need to examine quite seriously why you are doing all this work for your mother.
She needs an employee.
Barb is right -- your priorities need to be your husband and eventual children, and like it or not, Mom comes second. You can oversee her care and make sure she's not being neglected, but you cannot continue to do it all, especially when you get swollen ankles at 36 weeks and can't even put shoes on your feet. (Trust me on that one.)
If she chooses to be a hoarder and keep people out of her house, so be it. It'll keep you and your child out of there, too, because that's not safe for a baby. Don't argue with her about it, just make it clear that that's how life is going to go.
Set the boundaries now. There's a book out there about that, and I can't remember the name, but someone here will pop in with it.
Your mother is sufficiently independent that she can largely care for herself, if and only if she is in a manageable one-person living space. You should not be enabling/disabling her to live in a large property that she cannot manage. And you should not be giving yourself the ‘responsibility’ for ‘solving’ all her issues.
Sometimes the only way to make/help someone to change is to stop propping them up. Just stop. Let the wheels fall off. Now, before the final stages of the pregnancy you are hoping for.
The help you could perhaps offer is to help her find a suitable AL place that would have a garden she could potter in. She might even be sold by thinking about a new garden that she could start from scratch in. That may be the very best help that you could be in helping her face the reality of ageing in a realistic way. But it will only come when she is allowed to realise that she cannot manage her current establishment.
Love this turn of phrase!
A Doctor I saw once used a more posh, wordy phrase, but then re-clarified as "let the 💩 hit the fan"
But Mom is quite happy with things just the way they are. She has a good set up, her familiar home, everything she can't manage she delegates.
"I look at this as a good time to get my mom used to having helpers but she is stubborn and doesn't want it".
She is never going to get someone to help her as good as you. Loving, kind, punctual, efficient & free.
Oh yes. Been there dear.
Now this isn't really about making bubs #1 & throwing Mama outside..
It's about shifting priorities. Your priority will taking responsibility for you, your health, your new infant & partner. Mom will need to shift perspective to be responsible for herself.
Now is the time for a good sit down chat. To kindly discuss the type of life she wants as she ages, the chores she needs done, how much she wants to spend to stay at home. Or if AL would be a better fit.
A councillor told me it takes on average SIX times for 'The Chat' to sink in & be acted on - IF no cognitive impairments.
My rooky mistake was to think it was my job to CONVINCE & get the services in before I stepped back. No-no-no. I finally got it. *You will stay ALL the solutions until you step back*.
As a Social Worker told me;
1. Advise. This is the deal.
2. Let her decide.
3. The consequences are hers.
So here's one example that people have used;
1. "Mom, I can't do the yard work anymore. Here is the number for some local gardening services. I can help you choose one.
2. Leave the phone numbers/brochures with her.
3. "No Mom, I explained I wouldn't be doing that anymore. You can call one of the gardening services or will have to put up with long grass & an overgrown garden". Repeat this process each time for deliveries, meals, home maintemece, bills etc.
Then as the weeks go by, she will feel the actual weight of her own responsibilities. Can choose what's really important to her. Is it actually still having a vegetable garden or not? When you then next have 'The Chat' she may have new insight.
Anyhow, step back. Start setting your life up so that you CAN get pregnant and prioritize YOUR baby and husband. Mom can still be an important part of your life, BUT she needs to be much more independent and hire the help she needs or substantially cut back on what she expects to have done. It will be expensive to hire someone to do half of what you've been doing!
Your mom is NOT going to like this. That's OK. I'm sure it won't be easy to stand up to her, but you have to do it for your own sake.
Good luck.
Other things also need to change. "I told her I don't want to be hauling a lot of junk to the dumpster when I'm pregnant but again she shrugged and didn't seem to care". Hoarding is a mental illness. She needs a geriatric psych evaluation, professional help decluttering her house, and then a housekeeper to maintain it. You should not be cleaning her house just because she's a hoarder and is cheap.
Once you have POA, tell her what bills can be put on autopay and put them on autopay. Tell her that you will have a monthly "business" meeting with her to go over her finances. That is what my husband does with his dad so that his dad feels respected and informed.
Why are you answering your mother's emails??? Every computer has screen size options so that the text can be made big enough for her to read. It is a good idea for you to screen her emails because there are a lot of scams through email. But acting as her personal secretary? Really??
"Worst case scenario, I could send her to a hotel for a few weeks when I give birth..." You aren't even pregnant yet! And it may be very hard for you to get pregnant not just because of your age but also because of the stress your mother puts on you.
Maybe it's time for your mother to move to a senior community that can cater to her because she's paying for them to cater to her. Remember that her needs are only going to increase and enabling her charade of independence can only continue if you allow it.
Of course she won't get help. She has you to do it all for her! Your focus is on the pregnancy and birth. You are going to be exhausted for a long, long time after baby arrives. How will you juggle a newborn, a toddler, a preschooler with doing it all for your mother?
If your mother is wants a grandchild, then she needs to do her part. She obviously doesn't want to. She seems very selfish and entitled, so even if you had a baby she wouldn't care about cleaning her house or doing anything for herself. She'll just expect you to do the same things you are now with a baby. She couldn't care less if her home isn't safe for a child. It's her world and everyone else just lives in it.
Was she all that different now than when you were growing up? She isn't "set in her ways". She has some mental illness. Hoarding isn't normal. Expecting others to do it all for them isn't normal. No amount of reasoning will work with her.
Most people who love their parents want to look after them in some capacity. But you aren't looking after her. You're pretty much raising her. This doesn't help you or her. If she isn't willing to do basics for you or your baby, guess what? She doesn't care about you. If she truly loved you she wouldn't put all this on you.
Any backing away will be met with her complaining, crying, manipulating, accusing. Let her. She is childish and like any child, will tantrum when they're told NO. She's an adult and needs to handle her own life. And so do you.
Have you considered drawing up a list of all the chores you currently do for Mom? Then show it to Mom. Will she say 'Wow, I didn't realise you were doing all that. Yes I can make some changes'.
Or just shrug. Some people seem to lose empathy to see others' point of view. Some lose ability to reason & solve problems.
My relative DID care that I had a lot on my plate but shrugged as has nothing to add. Did not see it as her problem to solve. Did not or could not think about solutions. Her independence was a farce. Is your Mom's?
Even not being pregnant, you are disabling your mother, as someone noted below. Read this forum to see what your life will be like in future years if you don't start backing off now.
YOU should not be paying for any of your mother's needs. Just because she is "cheap" does NOT mean that it becomes your problem. Your mother is manipulating you into becoming her fulltime unpaid slave (you are well on your way). It doesn't have to be this way.
What does your H say about all of this?
This being said, here's what needs to be done. You and your husband (it's important that he be there to) sit down with your mother and tell her in what ways you will be willing to help.
You will arrange for a professional cleaning service to get rid of the hoard and make it livable. Then you will help her hire live-in help who will do the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc... and she will pay for it.
Or you will call APS (Adult Protective Services) and tell them that she is an at risk senior who lives in a hoard. They will put her in a nursing home against her will regardless of how set in her ways she is.
These are mom's choices. Make them very plain and clear to her. I'm pretty sure that when she sees you mean business and aren't living your life in servitude to her anymore, she will accept and cooperate with whatever care situation you arrange for her.
If not, let APS handle it.
Good luck to you and your husband and I hope you'll be having a little one soon. God bless.
i spent 3 very long months on bed rest and needed my mom for companionship and help while my husband was at work. After all, when you’re on bed rest, you are supposed to stay down. You may be able to keep working remotely, but you may need your mom then more than ever. Friends are busy with their own lives and TV and electronics get monotonous.
If you feel too ingrained in her life and want to “bow out” you could call her religious institution and see if they could match her with other congregants to fill your shoes. Your community may offer senior activities. She could participate in a senior vacation (tour). Covid has cancelled some community activities, but taken many online. Your mom may be interested in volunteering.
My parents are gone and I would give anything for just ten minutes to tell them how much I love them. Your time together may seem like a burden but don’t forget it is precious —- and fleeting.
Would I do it all over again? NO! It was too hard. I was terribly misguided about my responsibilities to my parents. The care becomes harder and harder as the years go by. I missed out on important things in my own family because I was constantly tending to my parents.
Of course, you love your mom. I dearly loved my parents too. I equated my love with caring for them. That was my biggest mistake! Love doesn’t mean that we are required to do all of the ‘hands on’ work ourselves.
Your mom has lived the majority of her life. She has more years behind her, than ahead of her. You have more years ahead of you, than behind you. Devote this time to living your life and making YOUR dreams happen.
Your mom is becoming more and more dependent on you. Speak to a social worker to help guide you in finding new care arrangements for your mom. They can take over!
I seriously doubt that she will declutter her home on her own. Good luck with that situation! Her home will certainly not be child proofed for your child to visit. Nor, will she be able to assist you with your pregnancy, should you need help. She doesn’t even take care of herself! You do everything for her.
Wishing you all the best.