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My 81 yr old father is not adjusting to the nursing home we just placed him in. I'm his daughter and just gained guardianship for him. He has end stage kidney disease, diabetes, a severe ulserated leg with his bone exposed (13 inches to date), vein disease, early stage dementia and high blood pressure and he can't walk. He is screaming to go home. He is demanding his cell phone ( his room has no phone). If we give him his cell, he will call 911 or a friend to get him out ( he's done it before). His previous lifestyle involved a 52 yr old woman that had been a so-so care giver and we learned she was stealing money from him. They apparently were in a relationship many yrs ago and last yr he bought her a house and all contents (paid cash). She has 2 teenagers and a drug addict boyfriend who is going to be deported. He has been funding her and her drama for years. We have been estranged from our father ( she played a big part). My father reached out to me 5 months ago thinking he was near death and wanted me to come to him. I flew down and saw what was going on. I hired a lawyer and now as stated earlier..im his guardian. I feel so bad for him...but I feel he's getting the best care now. Am I doing the right thing???

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Yes, you are doing the right thing. This is tough but you have guardianship and must hang tough.

You could try fibbing to him a little, when you get better you'll go home etc. Also, maybe just step back. Waaaaay back. Manage his care but you don't have to visit.  He's not going to be happy no matter what you do.

So many people lead ruinous lives then near the end expect the kids to step in and save the day.

You may want to gave him evaluated for hospice. End stage kidney failure, exposed bone?!
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You made the right choice for your dad. He isn't going to be happy no matter what you do or say. Happiness is a choice only he can make and some are only happy when they are miserable. Their greatest joy is making others miserable along with them. Being in a nursing home is the best thing for him. He is getting the medical attention he needs, he is safe and fed and hopefully clean as well.
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I forgot to to add, no matter what, don't give him his cell phone and let the nurses know about the cell phone and calling. Your father isn't happy that he can't call the shots anymore, you do.
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I'm am very greatful for the quick responses!!!! I need all the encouragement I can get. God bless you 😁
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Your dad is very lucky to have you looking out for him. Things could be so much worse for him.

No guilt. Good luck with this and take care of yourself first.
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Agree, tell him when he is well enough.
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Hang in there. Your Dad is very lucky to have you looking out for him. Keep strong.
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All that is such good advice, Sandsue. The thought of the havoc that your Dad would cause by having a phone is horrific. First I took my husband's mobile charger away, said it had disappeared and I would have to get another. And eventually I took the mobile.
I also made sure the staff knew not to let him use any other phone. ❤️ 🙏
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I know what you're going through is so hard. I'm about to lose my dad to lung disease. He is 90 & also in a nursing home.
My mother is in a nearby assisted living. I stay very busy.
I also am their guardian.
These decisions are very hard but their mental capacity will only keep diminishing, so you have done the right thing. Its just hard for them to give up control. I tell mine whatever they want to hear even if it is little white lies.
You have to do what you have to. Good luck & praying for you.
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Hi, I went through a similar situation with my Dad when placed in a NH. I knew it was the best place for him and he asked to "go home" all the time. I don't think he even knew where home was! It was very hard on me being the sole caregiver and making all the decisions hoping they were the right ones. I never actually told him he wasn't going home. I would say, "I'm working on it, Dad. We have to see how things progress." Just very general white lies. And absolutely tell the nurses about the cell phone and his past experiences with calling people to get him out. Someone else wrote he is angry because he is no longer making the decisions and that is so true. In the end, the only thing my Dad had control over was his intake and that was that. It's very sad. But I also agree with the idea that you don't have to be there all the time. Give yourself some space. Best of luck and keep us posted.

xo
-SS
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YES you are and i know Exactly what you are going threw my mom has a bf that does the same thing in the last 15 yrs he has drained her dry now she has dementia he has his ss check lives in my deceased fathers house takes his ira check takes my moms chk and pays nothg ..only bill is between them is lites and water and he seems to be hiding most of it or sending it to his checking account in his hometown .he has caused us 3 out 5 siblings to stop visitn my mom .we bou g t her a cell just to talk to her without having to hear his voice , he now claims she lost it to only call his number yeah rt..he has took all her jewlery anythg that of value claims its in safe well theres no built in safe there. He and oldest sibling closer to age have been buddy buddy she has poa allows him to leave my mom alone with dementia rinning to eat etc. Oxygen tank catchs on fire she is severely burnt.poa will not remove him as caregiver plus thy hv 2 aides come in that must be blind to allow them to smoke with o2 . Now poa has gofundme set up for them to go rt bck to my dads home after repairs. .poa has gotten home signed totally to mom . So i agree u are taking rt steps . I wish the poa of my family would see threw his free loading swamp. Good luck in standing your ground .tell your dad he has to stay there to heal.
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Sorry his ss check is the bf , but ira is my moms from my dads and ss chk is from my moms i am speaking not able to type
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All good advice...Additionally, I'd go a step futher: Nursed and Aids come and go:
1. Have his house doctor issue a standing order that he is not to be allowed to use a phone at any time.
2. Have the order posted to the wall outside of his room..
Reasons: Nurse/ide turnover and frequent substitutes. I learned in 12 years of visiting wife in nursing home that word of mouth instructions only work to a point.
Someone WILL forget or not be told.
Nail it down.

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Yes, you are doing the right thing for your father, yourself and the rest of the family. Accept it.
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Your dad is going home when he is well. Some religious and philosophical traditions teach that the ultimate healing is death, when we cross over into the afterlife. That afterlife--heaven, or any other name you want to call it--is our true home.
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Don't tell him he's not coming home. My husband who is 82 is in long term care. I've told him when he can stand and walk on his own he will be able to come home. But I know that won't happen. He is in stage 6 dementia, has heart trouble, kidney problems, broke his hip in May and hasn't been able to walk on his own. He's been in a wheelchair since. Sometimes a little white lie is necessary. I agree with the person who said to step back and maybe don't visit too much. You are doing good. Hugs and prayers for you!!
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I think your father should be able to die at home if he wants to, and have whatever caregiver he wants. Also you have been out of his life for a very long time and have no right to control it. It sounds like underneath your compassionate facade, your ultimate goal is to inherit as much money as possible. He should be at home with end of life care, if that is what he wishes. My family has worked in nursing homes all their lives, and they wouldn't wish it on their worst enemy. It is a lonely place to die. There is a lot of abuse and neglect in nursing homes. He should be able to die the way he wants, and spend his money how he chooses. But it would be a good idea to make sure the caregiver isn't stealing from him as that is abuse. By the way you have acted, I am not surprised if there was a way for him he would write you out of his will. All the people who put their own wishes for institutionalizing everyone above the individuals personal rights are control freaks. Someday, how would you feel if your own child shoves you in a nursing home?
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Early in 2016, we moved my 91-year-old dad into assisted living, which was a bit rough (and it didn't help that my stepmom did not move in with him). In June, dementia surfaced, and he was moved into a nursing home about a year ago. He was initially resistant--and even now talks about "what happens next"--but he also refers to it now as a 'nice place' where the food is great and they take good care of him, and, while he initially dismissed the various activities, now talks about actively participating (even if he doesn't remember the details). It can help if you emphasize that he's getting care that he can't get at home.
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My question is if you had to fly down, can you find a nursing home nearer to you that he can be near you. It doesn't sound like he has long to live and you can visit more often. If he can buy a house, he can at least pay for transporting to another home. Just a thought
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You are doing the best thing for your Dad. My Mom did that too for awhile, then quieted down. I know it's hard
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So many of the above answers are great. When my mom went to skilled nursing, she was the same way. Visit when you can but not too often or long. Go at different times. This is a big adjustment on everyone and it hurts. Keep the phone away. I always said you keep working on getting better and then we will see what's next. You are not alone in this. I think it happens to most of us. He sounds like he really needs allot of care and this would be the best place for now. Hang in there!
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My heart goes out to you. My sister and I are in the same boat, having to put our 86 year old blind mother in a nursing home. We would have loved to have kept her in her home, but her home's in KY and I live in TN and my sister lives in GA. Our brother who lives 40 minutes from our moms house was "unwilling" to deal with her.
We have tried to get home health workers to stay with her, but something always seems to happen like personal emergency, or care givers just quit. Not to mention the cost. It became impossible to manage all that from out of state. Her 3 sisters, who live within 5 minutes of her did not want the job either after we offered to pay them. My sister and I have been passing mom back in forth for the past 5 years, because she isn't the easiest person to deal with, never has been. Having gone completely blind during that time has been very hard to deal with too. I have cancelled her cell phone, because she can no longer operate it and I have been paying that bill for 10 years.
Last night my sister called me and said the nursing home called her because mom was demanding to talk to her. They put mom on the phone and she demanded my sister come and get her. Because she did not know why she was there to begin with. My sister tried to explain to mom that she has been taken to ER 3 times in 30 days. The last time being 2 days ago for a fall. She's had strokes, low oxygen levels, some paralysis on left side, difficulty swallowing, dementia, and is also in diapers not able to walk to bathroom. She told her she's in rehab to get better. Mom called my sister a liar and said she just didn't want to deal with her. My sister felt horrible.
Bottom line is, for whatever reasons, we cannot always be there for our elderly parents no matter how much we want too. It's not always simple to let them stay in their homes. I wish it were and we tried twice and both times we had to rush up there and get her and bring her back to our homes.
It's so important for our parents to plan for their future, but that doesn't always happen either. We tried to talk to mom about planning ahead as she had glaucoma and would, if she lived long enough go blind. Wills, DNR,POAs were to morbid for mom to talk about.
The 24/7 care needed to insure they are safe and as healthy as they can be is beyond what family can do sometimes. It's sad but a fact. I think your hearts in the right place and your doing the right thing, but maybe, if he has the means and it's possible, as he nears the end, letting him go home to spend his final days his way. You can walk away knowing you did your best. I don't know all the logistics of your situation, but it sounds like he has the money to do this. I would love to have mom go to her home to live out her days, but now we're having to sell her home to pay for decent care.
Good luck to you and God bless you.
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There's no easy way to tell him. I know you're going to have to tell him even if it means making an already bad situation worse but he's going to have to know sometime unless he figures it out for himself and gets mad anyway

If he wants his cell phone, here's what I would do:

He wants his cell phone? OK, but first turn it off and have it disabled. Then, you can also start removing all of his contacts and even pull the battery if needed. He wants his cell phone? OK, but not until it's disabled with no context and without the battery 😂
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You are absolutely doing the right thing, no matter how difficult it is. Your top priority for your dad is his safe care and he should have that where he is. You've gotten lots of good advice about the white lies to tell him to handle his desire to go home. Hang in there - you're doing the right thing. He's lucky to have you looking out for his best interest! {{{Hugs}}}
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Of course you are doing the right thing! He is where he has to be, you can't make him better or provide care for his dire medical conditions! Maybe his doctors can give him some medication to be less agitated - no, not all doped up! When you visit, you can sympathize and say, 'when you're better, when your leg heals, we can talk about it then'. Actually, he may be ready for hospice.....you have put up with a horrible situation for a long time and you must take care of yourself, and see that your father continues to get medical care in the nursing home. He can't 'go home' - his previous life is, unfortunately, over, but you are doing your best for him in this last lap....bless you, take care of yourself. You are doing the right thing.
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Hi Sandsue,
I had the same issues when my mother was placed in the nursing home. She asked when she was going home and I told her that question was for the doctor and orders to leave must be approved by him. I always took myself out of those awkward moments by deferring to doctors, nurses, etc. I would tell her that they have the credentials to know if she's safe at home. Do not get a phone for him as he might phone you all the time and others. Wishing you all the best.
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Seems from description hospice should be called. It's not only for patient but family also. They will assess the situation.
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My Dad went through the same feelings of wanting to go home after being placed in a nursing care home. He could no longer walk, had progressive dementia, incontinence, leukemia, and muscle wasting. He was a good soldier and I think he knew this was not the fun part and periodically he wanted to go home. He wanted a suitcase and wanted to know when we would pull the car around the front to pick him up and leave. My wife had spent many long months at home, on outings, and at doctors and my Dad did not see why we could not keep doing that. The saddest part is when you have given up all of your freedoms and you are at the point where you are watching your bodily functions dissolve away. That seems to be where your father is. If your father is lucky this will pass quickly and his suffering will cease. Continue to be with him to protect him from loneliness during the transition through his death. After that he will be fine.
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I feel for you. Personally, I have sacrificed a lot to keep Mom home. If I were in your shoes, I would just tell him that he cannot go home until his health has improved and doctors can let him go home. His ulcerated leg may take a long long time to heal. Who knows, by then he may totally stop asking to go home. However, whenever possible I think it would help if you could visit him. He may not be happy when he sees you but you will feel better that you didn't abandon him. Jst my take on things. God Bless.
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