How do I tell my mentally ill father who just went into a nursing home that he isn't going home?

Yes you are doing the right thing. It takes a while for residents to adjust to a new care home. The administrator and the doctor should work together to get the medication right so that his behaviour is controlled without him being spaced out. As far as the girlfriend is concerned, she could possibly go to jail for financial elder abuse, as your dad has dementia and it can be argued that she got the house by defrauding your dad.
Maybe also talk to an elder law attorney?

Be sure the Nursing Home gives good care if you take away his phone. Visit the facility and snoop around discretely. Talk to other residents family. If there is a local and or facility caregivers support group go to the meetings. Ask about others knowledge or experiences there. It sounds like your dad made bad decisions in the past, does that mean that he has no right to be complaining about where he has been placed? There was just a post on Aging Care about Mother whose Dr. was under an indictment when she treated the Mother. The Mother had 21 new medications given to her that made her a vegetable. When the daughter found out she complained. The Mother was sent elsewhere and taken off the meds suddenly. Her Mother passed away. My Mother had a bad experience in Personal Care in a prior facility. Thank God that my son and I managed to get her out of there, January 2017. They had there hooks into our family. Mother was on death's doorstep and loosing her eyesight. The facility tried to cover it up and dragged me through the mud while continuing to abuse her. Mother has greatly improved in 8/9 months. Your dad sounds difficult but don't let that stand in the way of protecting him from abuse. At Mom's old facility, a senior who just moved in was making a big fuss that he didn't want to stay there. His daughter asked me what she would do. I told her her father might be intuitive and about our experience there. Also, to get him out as soon as she can before the facility get there hooks into him. I told her to check with others too. She reversed moving in gear to moving out. Praise God.

I am so sorry, your situation is like so many cases that I work as a private practice geriatric care consultant. First, most skilled care facilities are accustomed to this behavior, so I would advise you to talk to the Director of Nursing or ask for a full care plan conference which would involved the social services, the DON, and other staff involved in your father's care. Discuss your concerns and they can probably relieve some of your worry. DO NOT GIVE HIM A PHONE! Second, in many cases like this a restraining order has been issued to prevent the exploitative person/relationship from visiting to cause further harm. Most probably your father has no awareness of his extreme needs for medical care, all he can think of is his relationship and wanting that comfort. It is critical that you remain strong and take every measure to insure that he stays in the skilled care facility. I would also recommend hospice at a time that staff thinks it is appropriate. Hospice offers additional support with further supportive counseling, and nurses to provide expert experience and guidance in end of life care. Stay strong!!! You are doing the right thing.

TO jchrislove:
People come here to pose questions looking for advice, support and suggestions, even if the support is just moral support, and that is what WE are here to provide. WE are not here to pass judgement.

As Suzyq62 says, it is not always as simple as take the person into your home and care for them. YOU do not know ALL the issues - what level of care is needed, how able is/are the family members? Does he need EXPERT nursing care? Yes, you can hire those in, but THAT is more expensive in the long term, and if he cannot afford 24/7 care at home, what do they do if a crisis that needs immediate attention arises? What if he was in his own home and they don't show? Cars break down, weather issues delay or prevent people from reaching destinations. He is not just wheelchair or walker bound - he has a lot of critical medical issues!!

My brothers could *probably* physically care for our mother, but one is 10 years younger and still working. You cannot leave a person with dementia alone in a "strange" place without oversight. Older brother has limited patience and I do not see him being able to care for her 24/7. I cannot do it physically, and like some others here, our mother is not the most pleasant person to deal with AND she outweighs me by at least 20# - with my back issues, I could not care for her (never mind that my house is a shambles because of ongoing repairs.) Oftentimes the person also needs "enrichment" and physical activity. Without proper training, many seniors would languish in their own home (mom was self-isolating) or a family members home. Just the basics is not always enough. Physical activity and mental stimulation, as well as being exposed to peers, can make a huge difference.

YOU say "I think your father should be able to die at home if he wants to, and have whatever caregiver he wants." If you READ Sandsue's post PROPERLY, HE called Sandsue and wanted her to come, thinking he was near death. The "care-giver" was taking advantage of him - THAT is wrong and should stop, no matter if he "wants" her, but NOWHERE does it say he wants her back NOR does he say he wants to go home to die!!! For people with dementia, "home" could be the last place they lived, the first, or any other between. Our mom seems to be on the brink of forgetting that last place... will be interesting to see which previous residence is "home". You seem to be inventing scenarios.

YOU say "Also you have been out of his life for a very long time and have no right to control it." Again, if you READ the post, the "CARE-GIVER" drove them apart. It is not like the family abandoned him. It also is NOT like they are trying to "control" him, they are trying to PROTECT him and provide the best care for him. JeeZ Louise!!

YOU surmise that their "ultimate goal is to inherit as much money as possible."
...and you would be WRONG. If he is in a nursing home, his income and if needed (which is likely) his assets will be PAYING for that. AL/Memory Care and Nursing homes are NOT cheap!! Most SS and pension income will NOT cover the cost of a nursing home. If he has ANY assets, money and/or home, THAT pays the balance. Depending on how long he lives, there might be nothing left (especially after buying that fancy pants a home and furnishings! But apparently that spending is okay, because in YOUR opinion it is HIS money and he can spend it how HE wants to - OMG!) We, with mom's okay (she prompted it, I just enabled it) years ago set up a trust for their money and home before dad passed. When she started down the yellow brick road, we redid the trust to protect her from herself. NOT control, PROTECT. I took over her bills and manage them, but do NOT take anything for myself. HER assets are to be used for HER BENEFIT. By doing a trust, no one else can take advantage of her. If anything is left (IF IF IF) after she passes, then we three inherit, but she could actually outlive it all (94, only dementia and HBP). Another poster here (see below) also insists that we who do this TRUST ETC are just trying to steal the money. EXXXXXXCUUUUUSE ME! Nothing could be further from the truth. Do some people do this? Yes. The majority? No. Even if they are doing this, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. The remaining family and/or friends should look out for you, not some pooh-pooher on a web forum.

YOU say "He should be at home with end of life care, if that is what he wishes." and "He should be able to die the way he wants, and spend his money how he chooses."
First, nothing in the poster's question indicates he wants to go home to die, nothing. Given his various ailments and his inability to properly manage his finances, he NEEDS specialized care AND someone to watch over his affairs (assets). Can any of the family members provide that? I would say no to the physical care or the poster would perhaps wonder if that is best. Just given the ulcerated leg... our mom managed to injure her leg (SHE has no idea what she did, AND had no sense to call anyone about it) just prior to us moving her to memory care (against her wishes). It was Cellulitis, probably very similar, and it WOULD KILL her if not treated. If we had not been there when we were to move her, she would most likely be dead already. Is THAT what she would want? Hell no. Is THAT better, in YOUR little world, she would get to die at home??? She also periodically asks to go "home", but since dementia typically takes short term memory first, she has not adjusted to the facility being her home, nor will she. We also did not end up giving mom a phone, for the same reasons (NOT control - my daughter works dispatch - do you know how many seniors with dementia call 911 for help, claiming they have been kidnapped? Unfortunately the police MUST respond, taking them out of service while they do the check, meaning they are not available where they might REALLY be needed!)

YOUR comments about nursing homes - they are NOT all created equal and with more oversight than years ago, most are not all that bad, especially if you the family stays involved and can monitor things. We went with memory care, private pay for now. When she reaches a point that she doesn't know any of us, cannot manage herself (ADLs), cannot walk, goes blind, etc, then we may have to either bring in nursing care or choose a nursing home because she would need extensive care. She did say before that she does not want extraordinary measures (no feeding tube, etc), but it can still take time and she would need bedside care at the least.

YOU say: "Someday, how would you feel if your own child shoves you in a nursing home?"
Is that what our parents, or eventually WE would want? Not likely, however if it is what is best for the person, that is the route we must go. The private memory care where our mom is does not provide skilled nursing, so we either have to bring it in, or ship her out. By that time she will be merely a shell, needing some skilled nursing care. If you DISCUSS this with family while you are still able, YOU have to make your wishes known. Personally, if I am but a breathing vegetable, what do I care where you put me? It is just a matter of time by then. My kids are aware of what we had to do with Nana, and hopefully smart enough to check out places for the initial stages, like we did, if I am so unfortunate as to follow her down the yellow brick road.

YOU say "All the people who put their own wishes for institutionalizing everyone above the individuals personal rights are control freaks."
My response to that is YOU are the control freak - if you are not there to see all that went into the decision, you have NO RIGHT to judge anyone else (actually, even if you were privy, you still have NO RIGHT TO JUDGE OTHERS). As I stated above, one brother is working and cannot provide the level of care she needs (we tried to leave her in home and bring in aides, planning to increase the 1 hour check 3 times per week and care level as needed. SHE kicked them out after a few months and refused to let them in, so that would not work for him either). The other brother is out of state (1-2 day drive) and I do not see him having the patience much less the expertise to care for her, especially as the dementia progresses. I told them this, but said hey, you want to go that route, knock yourself out, I will not object - just be fully aware of what you are getting into. I knew I could not manage it. I am NOT a control freak, nor is this poster. Despite how mean and rude she treated me over the years, I still had concern about letting her stay ALONE. WE took the car away before she could accidentally kill herself or someone else. WE found a way to get her to move (still not willingly), out of concern for her well-being, NOT because we want to control her. BTW, are you also someone who would JUDGE us if we had chosen to leave her where she was and she died a painful miserable death a few weeks later from the Cellulitis????? We are far enough away that daily checks were not possible and she refused the aides, so it could have been another week or two before we found her. It was already bad enough over a few days, so at 93 it likely would have killed her. How would the judicial system look at that? Elder abuse/neglect? And you? How would you judge us????

Final thought - if a person is asking for advice or suggestions here, then provide some useful guidance or moral support. Take your high and mighty judgments elsewhere. Although we were raised with religion (not strict but we had to go) I am not a religious person per se, HOWEVER, I do recall this:
"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you."

Also, if you haven't read Suzyq62's response, DO IT. She basically backs up a lot of what I have said here, but THIS comment is directed to YOU, not the poster (and to others - if the shoe fits, have at it!)

(somehow I feel you are related to or know Dontask4handout - two peas in a pod!)

TO Suzyq62:

Although we were going to install a phone (I did not support the TV as she needed to get OUT of the room and interact) I am GLAD we did not. Initially our mother would have the staff call my younger brother and be all upset, demanding to go home. Being unaware (despite passing on all that I gleaned from researching dementia before it reached a critical point and encouraging him to go look it up when he accused me of being a know-it-all) that this type of behavior is COMMON, he was critical of us putting her there and/or critical of the place. Oh yeah, everything is great, hunky-dory. Not long after getting her in, I decided not to put a phone in and I am glad I did not. As noted in my comment to jchrislove, all too often the residents will make calls to 911 claiming to be kidnapped or what have you... not a good thing. Police have to respond and check on things and that takes services away that might REALLY be needed. She could never remember our numbers, but could get them from the staff if she had a phone. I cannot imagine how many calls I would get every day.... :-O

So, like your sister, she gets them to place the call and they hand the phone over when I answer. Somehow I became the "go-to" person in her mind, not my younger brother, and when they hand the phone over, she has the same litany: I'm here at X hospital, I'm not sick or anything, can you give me a ride home? When I make excuse, and say maybe tomorrow. She'll wonder aloud what's she going to do and I hear them assure her in the background that they have a room for her and that eventually satisfies her. I say I will come later or if it is evening, then tomorrow, too late tonight!

I have suggested to the staff, since they place the call and wait for response before handing the phone over, just PRETEND it went to voice mail (i.e. call ANY number in-house) and then tell her you left a message for me/us to call back. THAT should be enough to satisfy her and in a short while she WILL forget it! I would suggest you try asking them to do that to eliminate or reduce the calls.

At least one call was made sometime after I suggested this method to them, so you may have to reiterate (someone didn't get the memo, new staff, etc). If she were calling to chat, no big deal, but every time it has been she's at the hospital (previous location, not the current one) and needs a ride home.

For your sister (and you): IF mom still manages to get through, do NOT try to explain or argue with her. It is pointless and will not satisfy mom. Be understanding, yes I will come to get you, but make excuse for the current moment - beg off saying I will come later tonight, or say it's too late tonight, tomorrow, anything just to satisfy (the little white lies...) and if she can accept that you will be coming (not), most likely she will forget in the meantime.

Also tell sister NOT to take anything mom says like that to heart. Unless she was always like that, it is not mom talking. If she was like that before, well, learn at least now to brush it off. It is NOT the truth and one should not be made to feel guilty.

If you visit and she pulls this, take some of the other suggestions made in this thread about the 'little white lies'... doctor orders, rehab, recovery, whatever fits her case best. If that is not working, attempt to redirect or excuse yourself to use the ladies room and either leave or hope the staff can change her focus if you stay in the bathroom long enough!

TO Sandsue:

You say:
"I feel so bad for him...but I feel he's getting the best care now. Am I doing the right thing??"

Yes, we all feel bad, regret or what have you when this needs to be done to ensure their safety and well-being.
He's getting the best care, that is what is important, safe and cared for. You question if this is doing the right thing? YES!

You might feel guilty, he might complain and want out, adding to your guilt. Given his many needs and the dementia, what choice do you really have? Please do not let him or anyone else lay the guilt on you. You have done the right thing all around!

Could you or any other family member provide all the care he needs? The ulcerated leg alone he would need special nursing care - mom had that just before we moved her but not as bad as you describe. With all he has going on, you would likely need a nurse around anyway, better that he has many as well as a safe, secure place (would he wander from your home or his?). My brother spent time to remove her bandage, clean it and put on new bandage, and she immediately ripped it off and announced she needed a new one!! Auuugh - I knew it would be hard to care for her and knew I could not do it physically, but that kind of stuff, along with the way she behaves anyway - no way. I'd probably drive off a cliff, if I could find one!! She is not at this time high maintenance, mainly HBP and dementia. Your dad has a lot more going on, which makes it even MORE difficult to try to care for him at your home. He likely would not be happy there either. His home? Does he even have one anymore? Can he care for himself? Would he accept nursing care there or just demand his little tootsie back? No, he's better off where he is, despite what several nay-sayers here have to spout.

You say:
"My 81 yr old father is not adjusting to the nursing home we just placed him in."

Mom just turned 94, and has been in the memory care facility since January - she has not adjusted/accepted, and like they said probably never will. When I am there, sometimes she finds her room easily, other times she asks the staff to show her where it is (we were first in the newly rebuilt place, so I chose the room closest to the lounge and dining area!) As the dementia progresses, "home" will regress back to previous locations. Your dad screams to go home - which home is it, the one he was in when you went to him? Your place? Some other?

It is possible to try several things.
*Medical help to perhaps give him something that will calm him down (I am not a
drug proponent but sometimes a little something to take the edge off, at least for
a while, might help)

*Little white lies, deflection and redirection. I found the little white lies difficult at
first because I detest lying, but it can work and does help sometimes!

Little white lies: tell him you're looking for the phone, found phone but not the charger, report it is dead, broken or lost, need to get another [Under no circumstances get that phone!!] When mom started having the staff call and then hand the phone to her, I suggested they "pretend" to call me (dial an in-house number or the weather number or something), and tell her it went to voicemail and you left a message to call back. THAT should satisfy her immediate need, meanwhile she will forget. Some others suggested telling him he can go home when the doctor says so, when he finished rehab or heals up, when he can prove he can care for himself, etc, something that will take time and may not ever happen, but he doesn't need to know that! Put the onus on someone or something else - it is OUT of your hands! THEY are keeping you here or your inability to manage is hindering when you can get out. These take the onus off of you. They are only little lies... your nose will not grow too much... :-D

Deflection and redirection - changing the subject or changing his focus to something else going on. Hey, let's get some coffee or ice cream! Water your plants! Step outside! Wow look at that sunset, or look how much rain/snow is coming down or wow look how nice it is outside, let's go out or go for a walk! Sometimes I just do not respond to something she says or asks, when it touches on those bad subjects (getting out, going home, etc) - ignore and move on to something else. This does not work for everyone and might not work all the time, but you can get very creative between the "lies" or fibs and changing focus to something or someone else.

One question - does he scream to go home and demand his phone all the time or only during certain times of the day, mainly later afternoon and into evening and night? If he's okay in the morning and most of the afternoon, but starts up later or in the evening, this could be a sign of "Sun-Downing". Although there are common behaviors and they all seem to run in this time period, it seems like most people have their own "thing" they do. Our mom had OCD checking the sidelights, the doorlock, the dishwasher, the living room annnnnnd repeat for an hour to an hour and a half. Some people, so I have read, become nasty to caregivers and family. Perhaps this is your dad's thing? If he does this any time of day, then it probably isn't related. Just a thought.

Again, please do not feel guilty. After being driven away, you responded when he called for your help and you've done the best you can for him! Other than trying to calm him and work around him, I really do not know what else you could do at this point. I'm not sure how long he has been in the place, but given our mother has been there 8+ months and has not accepted it and reading about similar instances for others here on this forum, it may be a while before you get past this. Meanwhile, do not take his anger and rantings (or other negative responses here) to heart. You've done the right things.

I agree with jchrislove. We have become a generation of grown children that don't even know what goes on in NH and ALF. I worked in one too, and I would not want my family member to have their rights and decisions taken away, under the guise that it is for their own good. It is their choice, not ours as to where they want to live, and with whom.

Nursing homes are worse than prisons. After 15 months of living in the hell hole nursing home, I was able to bring my mother back home wher she can get the one on one care that she needs. Medicade, Medicare, I.H.S.S. and Veterans, all have IHO (In home opperations) services to keep your loved ones safe at home. Yes, the family does have to help out with the careproviding, but with extra help it may be manageable. Giving quality of life to all involved.

While I agree that a little lie like you will be going as soon as you get well, is good in this situation. I do not agree that you should not visit as often. NH staff are very aware how often you come there. You want them to continue to know that you there and on top of the situation; even if you are just watching your Dad.

Very pleased for you, "queenstefis72", that it's all worked so well for you. But you don't seem to realise that it's not possible for others who haven't the family support, the finances, or the personal health to do as you do. As for judgmental people like "jchrislove" and "kindness matters", your comments hold no value at all until you are walking in the shoes of a carer. No amount of working in a facility will give you the understanding of what it is to be a primary carer. Or the right to judge others.

I understand your situation all too well. I have little family support, my father is 78 with physical and mental problems and I have disabilities as well. Yes it is difficult. I understand every family situation is different, but all is difficult. If it is not possible to keep your loved one at home. PLEASE watch them like a hawk in any facility he goes into. May GOD keep you all safe and be with you.

To Fil, I am entitled to my opinion without you judging me. I speak from experience as I took care of my Mother at the end stages of her life. All I am trying to point out is that unless you legally can take away someone's rights, be careful how you handle situations, as we have laws in place to protect us all.

Try telling him the house needs work and once all of that is taken care of he can probably go home. My spouse had ALZ and for a month kept asking if the work on the house was finished yet. After another month he started losing track of time and he started adjusting. Good luck, take care of yourself.

When it was time to place my mother she was just happy to be out of the hospital. I lived (only child) out of state, my husband works nights and our son was out of school with a broken leg, and the only local relative was her 80 year old sister. Mom wanted to know what she had to do to come home and we told her she had to be able to use the bathroom on her own. We knew her time was short but it was the best place for her to keep her safe in her final days.