Today I sent this text to our 26 year old Granddaughter.
Update from here.......we are still alive! Yesterday after your Mom called, to wish her Dad a Happy 87th Birthday, your Grandpa asked me if she had any children. I said yes, a daughter. He said, “Oh a daughter, how old is she?” I said almost 27. He then asked, “Where does she live?” I said Texas. He then asked, “Does she ever call us?” My answer, No. You see this is what is called the Alzheimers puzzle. He tries to put things together, asks the same questions over and over again. He loves to get phone calls. I can tell he feels the love as he smiles and laughs with them. One of the Birthday calls he got yesterday was from a childhood buddy. His friend told him about the snow he had just plowed and they laughed, because his friend calls every month or so he somewhat remembers him. Not easy to see this brain robbing disease take my dear sweet wonderful husband from me and his ability to do almost anything for himself, but what hurts even more is when others already think he/we are dead. ❤️
I am an adult - i had two grandmothers. One was interested in ME - her phone calls TO me centered around how i was, what was i doing - she offered support and care and humor. As i grew up i matured and started initiating calls to her. We had a mutual relationship.
My other grandmother never contacted me - expected me to contact her. Then all she did was talk about her aches and pains, and that i never came to see her. No consideration for school, finals, etc.
Guess which one i tried to stay in touch with? If it is all about what YOU want - you wont' get anywhere. Relationships have to go two way. Now that i have a son who is growing up - i realize that for now - i'm the initiator of the time we have together. And i focus on him and his needs. That is where he is at right now.
Your granddaughter is 26 - she is starting out - likely job, her own place, getting established, relationships - there is stress and she is busy. If you lay guilt and demands - it is just one more demand and she will continue ignore you. I know helping your husband your world has shrunk - but not everyone will make it about you.
You could have approached it as “We miss you and would love to chat” instead of passive-aggressively telling her she’s a terrible person who regards you both as dead.
When I was around 20 I went to a big all day concert on my grandmother's birthday. We left early and got home late. I called her the next day to wish her a happy birthday and she let loose on me with the venom of a 1000 cobras. Do you think that made me want to call her more often?
Did you call your granddaughter on her birthday? Were you close in the past?
Do you take an interest in her life when you do speak? Calling my grandmother...back in the 1980s & 1990s was a chore because all she wanted to do was quilt trip you for every wrong in her life. I made a special trip to see her to announce my engagement. She spent the rest of the day complaining that my father didn't say anything to her when she spoke on the phone with him earlier that day. I realized that I needed to stop wasting my time trying to make her happy because it was an impossible task.
Previous generations fell for the guilt-tripping but I think the younger generation is a bit smarter in that respect.
I understand completely how all consuming it is caring for someone with dementia. What are you doing for yourself? If you haven’t already, I suggest finding a dementia support group. I joined one here in Arizona where we have an excellent Alzheimer’s research center and it was tremendous help. I convinced my mother to join one and she also found solace there,
You will find support and guidance and a place to blow off frustrations. Most are online now so you don’t even to leave the house, though I suggest you do, even if only to go to the grocery store alone.
Reach out to your granddaughter when you are are feeling better. She is likely to find it very upsetting the her grandfather doesn’t know who she is. I know the shock I felt when my father asked me my name and where I was from. It’s not a conversation anyone looks forward to.
You will develop great compassion for others in a support group, and in turn, compassion for yourself. We all struggle with angry feelings as this terrible disease takes our loved ones away. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. We understand. Don’t let your resentment push others away.
How about a text like like “Hi, honey. How are you doing? Your granddad and I were just talking about you today. I’ll try to give you a call next time he’s having a good day. Take care of yourself and keep safe. We love you!”
he doesn’t even remember that his own children have children of their own!
If she calls you as a result of this text, how do you think the conversation is going to go? Do you think it’s going to be a happy, loving conversation? It’s not. You have made it clear the this is going to be an unpleasant experience. You’ve made talking to you an obligation and a burden, and you’re going to be treated like one.
Is this the first time you’ve talked to your granddaughter like this? I bet it’s not. I also can tell you it’s at least one reason you don’t hear from her.
You could have texted her that you and your husband would love to hear from her and catch up on what she’s doing. You could have explained that while his memory and personality are not what they once were, a call would lift his spirits and be worthwhile to have. Then you could have had a nice chat (provided you didn’t berate and guilt her more, or focus the conversation around your aches and pains and misery) that she would want to repeat in the future, and then she’d call you of her own accord.
You didn’t really ask a question, but I hope it was that you hadn’t sent this text yet and wanted to know if you should. The answer is NO.
I hope maybe she can find some compassion for her grandfather and that your action did not destroy your relationship with her. Maybe she is establishing boundaries to not get trapped in your demanding and manipulative web. Perhaps you need to find a support group.
See All Answers