How do you convince your mother that she can't walk without help (whether that help is someone or something)?
My 94-year-old mother has major balance issues. She has had many falls (my brother says 30 over the past year). The last one was bad (last week) when she fell on a ceramic tile floor -- knot on her head and hematoma on her hip. She has strong bones, though, and has not broken anything yet.
She doesn't understand that she is a fall risk. I have tried to explain it to her both calmly and sternly. A walker wouldn't do her much good if steps backwards, but I tell her she needs to use it. She won't. She is still insistent on walking without assistance. (When I am with her, I walk behind her all the time, most times holding her under her arm if she is having a bad day). She only seems to listen after you holler at her a few times. A few months ago, she said that she cannot go downstairs (to the basement) because she will get hollered at (not just from me).
I tell her to stay seated in her chair while I go do something. She doesn't listen. Some days she is up and down every 5 minutes. I am so frustrated. I don't like raising my voice to her. Today, I stood near her, but let her fall slightly against the wall (where I knew she wouldn't get hurt) with the hope that it would click. Nothing seems to work. I am at my wits end. Any suggestions?
I'm worried something is wrong with your mother cognitively, beyond her physical mobility issues. Her behaviour isn't normal or rational. Of course she is a fall risk if she is falling often!
That being said looking at it from her perspective: Yes, it's a scary thing to face, the reality that your body is changing and not for the better. That she might have to "be chained" to a mobility device like a roller or wheelchair. I know you say you have tried calmly explaining but maybe less calm and more emotion might work differently. Give it one last try approaching her from a place of concern and love.
You are scared for her. Tell her how you couldn't bear to find your mother broken on the floor of her home, in pain, or worse. If she can sit through a plea from her loving daughter, who just wants to keep her safe...then something isn't right in her mind and she should have cognitive evaluations done.
I'm telling you this from dealing with my father; who for many years during his physical decline took huge risks that could have killed him. It took me, his daughter, breaking down in front of him and crying that I was afraid to come home and find him dead on the bathroom floor, to 'wake him up' to needing help. He now uses a wheel chair and he is HAPPY about it. I hope something that like might wake your mom up too but if not, at least she will know you love her and want to help.
I know it's hard feeling the guilt but it's just as bad worrying and watching her every movement, feeling like you have to hover. If you can, do try and make some time where you can do something enjoyable while somebody else watches over her; breaks are important.
balance.
Yup. We did all of these very sensible things. Even had the balance exercises as posters, above the hand rail in the hall, so that we'd be reminded to do them every day.
MaPotter, accept the following now so that you do not turn into crazy screechy walker Nazi like I did:
your mother will not remember to use her walker
your mother will not think to call for assistance
your mother, no matter what you say or what she promises, will continue to get up and totter terrifyingly around and fall
Accept these things, and then you can work round them. You can try a pressure alarm, linked to a monitor which you or another caregiver carries around, which will tell you when she gets up from her chair. Do get in an occupational therapist to look at her surroundings and identify possible improvements.
Mother is not being stubborn, she's not even resenting intrusion. The complex brain process required for her to comply with the whole chain of events involved from wanting to get up to calling for help and/or using her walker is now beyond her and just will not be happening. Big hugs to you both, may her strong bones carry her through.
Thank you, countrymouse.
Thanks for the feedback. Ask the PT about OT when they are there as was suggested.
No she won’t remember but doing the exercise will strengthen her. She will have someone working with her and encouraging her.
We on the forum can’t see how she is but that’s what the evaluation is for.
If it helps great. If it doesn’t you tried.
So this does not sound encouraging for you I’m sure. This stage will pass in the next one will be something different harder or easier, but it will not last forever.
He wanted his independence and I explained that by using a cane (later a walker) he was able to maintain his independence. I told him, if you break a hip - you will become dependent on someone and most likely wind up in a NH. He had never thought of it that way and started using his cane the same day. This same explanation worked when it was time to start using a walker.
I 'think' the fear is about looking old. Old is still better than dead. Old is still better than bedridden.
I have a neighbor, 89, who insists on walking around the neighborhood with her cane in her hand, but not actually using it for support. Just holding it. She does not have dementia and is still quite sharp, but she just hates feeling dependent on the cane.
The neighbors years ago used to call her the "quick-step lady" because she used to walk around the neighborhood like a race walker.
As a result of her denial about her balance issues, we have seen her fall several times, and have gone out to help her.
Still, the next day, there she is walking in the neighborhood with her cane held in her hand rather than used for support.
I am sorry you are dealing with this issue.
My grandfather lived to be 98. So it's possible your mother has some good years left, if she will use her walker.
Yesterday, I found out that when my middle brother spent the night at Mom's on Saturday, he found her in the kitchen (in the middle of the night) making coffee and heating up food in the microwave. (I have a monitor on when I spend the night and hear her when she is trying to get up. He doesn't use it.) All I thought of was that he was lucky she didn't fall. As bad as it must sound, if it is going to happen, I would rather she get hurt on someone else's watch... I do all I can to keep her safe. Two times recently that I didn't stay right behind her, though, she has fallen....