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I've lost most of my family over a period of a few years, one after the other, including my parents, grandparents, my sister's only two children (which were very close to me) several aunts, uncles, my only two brothers, and even several friends.......my 52 year old brother just died a few months ago in the ICU and I was never even told by the hospital how he actually died. He had an alcohol problem, and all I do know is that he was conscious and aware in the ICU one minute, and then gone the next.
8 months prior to that, our mom passed away from cancer. I stayed home at her house with her so she could get hospice care, but at home rather than dying in a hospice unit, potentially surrounded by strangers (that's not to say that the hospice people are not complete angels, because they are) I couldn't have done it without their help and real compassion.
I did hold my mom's hand as she took her last breath that July early morning around 2 am, and feel like I did make it to the most important engagement of my life (to be there for my mom when she passed away, and not let her pass away alone) and I'm extremely thankful that I got to do that. However, life for me truly changes at that very moment, and has stayed the same ever since. I remember looking up at the sunny sky that morning after mom was taken out of the house, and even the sky looked different. The trees, the roads I've traveled for many years, all just looked different.
I've never felt so alone, and could never have imagined this is how life would be at the age of 47.
I still function like a normal person, but feel different inside, and it's kind of a numbing feeling, mixed with sadness and regret. Why am I writing all of this? Perhaps others have experienced similar situations, and hearing it from other people may help just knowing that, yes, you will feel different. You may always feel this way. You'll still be able to move on. But most importantly, I feel like I should tell my story in the hopes that someone out there that isn't making time for their loved ones will read my words, and understand that it could all change in an instant leaving you alone in this world, just wishing you had one last chance to tell your mom you love her, or take your dad out to that car show he used to enjoy going to in his younger years...............

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I'm so sorry for you loss upon loss. It is unimaginable. Thank you for your very important reminder to show love to our loved ones while they're still with us. May you receive healing of your spirit and gain peace in your heart.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry that you have had so much loss in your short time here on earth. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Unfortunately death is part of life, and I guess the bigger our circle of family and friends are, the more loss we will experience over time. Death does change the living. It could be for the better,(not taking life or people for granted) or it could be for the worse,(growing bitter and putting up walls to protect our broken hearts)but it indeed does change us. I hope and pray that with all your loss, that you have sought out some grief counseling, so you can move forward in the best and healthiest way possible. May God give you His peace and comfort.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Jeeso look after yourelf now !!! Take care 😁
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Reply to Sue53nhs
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How can death NOT change you.
Each person in your life brings something to it. Good, Bad, Indifferent there is something that touches you in some way.
You take with you bits and pieces of each of these people.
You learn from the good, you learn from the bad.
Your relatives are all with you. Your hear your mom in the back of your head telling you "That's not how you make the stuffing" or You feel her looking over your shoulder when you look up the family recipe for that Easter dessert everyone wants you to bring.
You hear your dad telling you that the grass needs to be mowed.
Remember each of these people. Tell their stories. Keep them alive for the rest of the family, and for anyone that will listen.
When I was caring for my Husband I had very mixed emotions. (I always said I was ruled by 2 organs in my body my Head and my Heart)
I realized the tears I cried were not for him but for me. I was the one that was going to be left. To wish that he would not die was selfish of me, he would not have wanted to continue to "survive" as he was (I can not say he was living, she was a shell of what he used to be)
Grief is different for everyone. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve. Or for how long. (I was a kid when my mom died, about 11 years old and 4 years later my dad died. It still hurts)
There is a line though Grief is on one side, depression on the other. If you need to talk to someone.
But what you are feeling is normal.
Be well
From a real good author Mitch Albom:
All endings are beginnings, we just don't know it at the time.
And
Love is how you stay alive even after you are gone.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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So sorry for your losses. It does change a person. I have no living relatives. So I know about loss.
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Reply to tevincolorado
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huge hugs to you!!!!
and i'm very sorry for your losses.

your message made me have tears.

dear nevertoheal,

there must be a way to heal!
i'm sending lots of love to you.

you are/were wonderful to your family, dear nevertoheal. you were with them, until the end.

my father (he's 90), always says, keep alive the wonderful memories
inside you.

bundle
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Reply to bundleofjoy
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I'm so sorry for you. We all have those periods in our lives when we have terrible losses or difficult times and it's hard to imagine things will ever be happy again, but they will be.

I suggest you get the book "Healing After Loss," by Martha Hickman. You read only one page per day, so it isn't too much to absorb all at once. We had a friend whose wife was killed in an accident, and he found the book so helpful he bought a case of them for his church to give to families who lose someone. I've given it to multiple people over the years, including a stranger on a plane.

Take one day at a time, make concerted efforts to get out among the living, and you'll get through this period in your life.
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Reply to MJ1929
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So sorry. That is a lot of grief! Losing just one family member is hard. So many of them in a short time is devastating. Being with your mom is significant and profound in this, though. I was with my sister 10 years ago when she passed and that is the death that stays with me always. It feels that I live every day with her guiding me. My father took his own life the same year unexpectedly and that was horrible. I was not allowed in the nursing home when my brother died because of covid, as only 1 person could be there and I thought it should be his daughter, but I was able to see him a lot in the months before. You are correct that we must be there for those we love as much as we can. It's lonely without them, but we continue and allow the memories to comfort us.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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What a tremendous amount of loss you have had. I honestly cannot even begin to imagine it, and esp the loss of the younger family members one would/could normally expect might be there to help in the loss and grief over the elders. And the loss of a young still brother. I would like to suggest grief groups if you can find them in your area. Or a grief counselor. Esp. during Covid 19 times it is going to be terribly hard to get out there and form a community.
If you are a person of faith (I am not) there may be church or church groups. If you are a believer I might suggesting choosing a church. Volunteering helps people often enough and there are so many ways to do that now. My friend volunteers at a food distribution place to help those in need; she packs up the dog food in baggies, so nothing all that strenuous, but she has met like minded friends that way.
I am so sorry for all the grief in your life.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Hi there, I can relate very much with how you are feeling. I come from a very small family, and lost my grandmother in 2005, then my twin brother in 2006 five months later, then my grandfather 4 years later, leaving me only my mom who is now in assisted living. She is only 76, and had a stroke in June of 2019, which left her with some mild CVA dementia, my whole world changed when that happened, I see the world much like you see it. My only living relative is now in an assisted living, prone to falls, short term memory issues, that cause her to forget her mom died 15 years ago. She doesn't even call me, I have to do it. Watching her decline has been so sad for me. What’s worse, is my husband and I just recently moved to New Mexico, and she is still in CA at her residence due to COVID. She had another fall last night, and I am 900 miles away. She's ok, thankfully. But, I too have changed and feel so alone, even though I have a very loving husband. So yes, you are not alone in this. I will pray we get through all of this with faith and love.
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Reply to Vickimatthews
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I am very sorry for your losses.

You are a kind and remarkable woman.

Don’t ever doubt that your love wasn’t felt by your mom.

She knows that you were beside her and that you now hold her in your heart forever.

All of your dear loved ones are at peace now and want nothing more than for you to be at peace too.

It is natural to grieve for those who have left this earthly world.

It’s healing for us to reflect and remember our time with them. Cry when you are feeling sad and alone. That is healing too. We don’t get over things. We work through them.

Our love doesn’t end when a person dies. Love continues.

We continue living after a death of a loved one. Perhaps not quite the same as before but we do survive, just as our loved ones wish for us. They don’t want us to die along with them.

Some of us lose people starting in our youth. When it rains, it pours. The deep losses continue to happen.

I wish for peace during this difficult time in your life.

Do not hesitate to speak to a grief counselor or attend a grief support group, even if it has to be online for now.

You’re right about the hospice staff being angels.

The nurses, social worker, chaplain and office personnel at the ‘end of life’ hospice facility where my brother died were such a comfort to our entire family.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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I had lost too they gone my mom my big and only brother and my grandmother and i had no dad at all the one left in this world is only me i dont know why but i say to my self they left and you remain because they want from you is to do alot of good deeds so that they feel happyness and GOD wil let them go to paradise insha Alh
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Reply to Ayaaaan
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I read a wonderful tribute that a man had written for his late father on Father's Day. One passage in particular stood out:

"When the mortuary men took Dad away in the fog in the early morning hours of June 6, 2017, they left a gigantic empty space where he’d been. Dad’s body was gone, yes, but so was . . . everything else. I described it to a friend at the time as something like a vacuum. Even when the Old Man was dying, I felt secure knowing he was still with us. But after he died, it felt as if something tremendous had been sucked out of the world."

I felt exactly the same way when they took my mother away. You are not alone. Peace be with you.
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Reply to PeeWee57
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This has happened to me. Everyone died, some I loved and some I did not. My father died, my brother died, and my mother died last (just 7 moths ago). During the time between my brother’s death and my mom’s, I had two major surgeries. It felt like a bomb had gone off in my life and just left a hole.

Now I am completely alone. Come a holiday, it’s just me. Need minor surgery, so a ride there and back - I have nobody. I walk in the world but I am disconnected, with not a single close blood relative. I feel like an invisible woman. And there is no cure.
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Dbug82716 Jul 2021
I know how you feel, I’m 44 and lost all my family at 42. There’s no real way to express how you feel than just total blankness. Life comes to a halt, holidays have no meaning. I personally would like to have family even if adopted as adults. It would be nice to have a fb page where others who have lost all family can gain new family from those who have none huh?
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For anyone who has lost everyone in their lives. please reach out to others. When others invite you to functions, accept the invitation. Join organizations.

Of course, these new relationships aren’t the family members that you lost but it is better than being alone. You may end up forming very close friendships.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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TerraOcculta Jun 2022
I just have trouble relating to the “normal” people in such groups. Their lives are so free of clouds and they wouldn’t be able to relate to the losses piled upon losses that I have had. It’s just painful being around them. You can’t explain what happened to you because it’s so unbelievable and they just shy away so they can continue to run and play.

so, no thanks, I don’t want to be involved in these sorts of activities. I’d rather be with the dead people like me.
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I’m so sorry for your losses. I know how you feel. I had a very small family. Mom, Dad and daughter. They are all gone now. My daughter was 27 and died of a drug overdose. I didn’t even know she did drugs. You do feel invisible. My history is gone. No one knows it but me. It’s incredibly lonely. I have many good friends. But it’s not the same. Hang in there. You’re not alone.
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Reply to Swanee3055
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I GRIEVE FOR YOU!!!! I HAVE HAD SIMILAR CAREGIVER EMOTIONAL SITUATIONS. MY BELOVED DADDY, MY MOM AND NOW MY HUSBAND OF 41 YEARS HAS ADVANCED ALZHEMIERS. I SEE LIFE GOING ON OUTSIDE,BUT I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING BUT ANGER WITH MY FAMILY AND GOD AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
Try grief counseling. Best wishes to you.
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I’m creating a page on fb, adoptable me. It’s a place where people who have no family can meet others to create a family and share their experiences. I’m hoping to grow this group. Check it out
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Reply to Dbug82716
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KatieGrew1911 Dec 2021
What a great creative way to bring people in… good luck!!
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To those of you suggesting grief counseling —
if you are youngish, then yes.
but if you are over 55, maybe not.

I did try it and I got a look like — you are old enough to know that people die, what is your problem? I tried to explain that everyone died, but therapist was unmoved!
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2021
That’s very sad. I would have looked for a new group. That therapist needed her own therapist.
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I hope things are a little less painful now. Just wanted to say you're not alone in your situation. I think it's hard being older in so many ways I didn't anticipate. Have compassion for yourself and give yourself credit for all you have to deal with. Best Wishes!
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Reply to rustlingleaves
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So tough, going through the same but try to keep busy busy it’s also tough when friends are ill, u really feel alone I’m trying it all volunteer part time work and lots and lots of self care articles …I know it’s all up to me….. great website..
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Reply to KatieGrew1911
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Im so sorry for your losses. Unfortunately I can relate to this so much. I am 29 years old and I lost most of my family by the time I was 24 years old. I never could have expected something like that to happen. My first loss was both of my grandpas at my age of 5, one to cancer and the other due to pneumonia. My uncle that I was closest too and also my dad's twin brother at my age of 7.
My grandmother passed at my age of 12 and another uncle at my age of 21. Then my father passed unexpectedly with pneumonia at my age 22 and my mother very unexpectedly passed from cancer when I was 24. My whole life I have been surrounded by losses and every day I just think they are all looking over me and are proud of me. It's very tough though and I'm sorry that I don't really have much of an answer other than being able to relate extremely well. Sometimes it is good to know you are not alone in this type of situation. I never personally met anyone else in my situation it seems very rare.
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Reply to mullady802
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Life is so unkind . So many people here with loss piled upon loss….I try to stay positive & glass half full but often feel completely dragged down by it all. I lost my Mum, then my brother then the rest of the family just disappeared & there are no words to describe the loneliness. It’s too much for the heart to process. You carry on cos you must but you feel like the lights have gone out. Your sense of identity is gone . I hate being self indulgent cos there are people in the world experiencing more pain…but you have to own it. Own the unfairness. Own the loss and make the best of life. I am ashamed to admit I am struggling to stay afloat & hopeful. It feels like it’s a spiritual sadness .
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Reply to Josephinelizzy
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I have lost my parents, grandparents, favorite cousin, my best friend, my aunt, my two beloved horses, and recently my 25 year old dove. It seemed like just when I started to get my grief under control another one died and restarted it all over. I was truly Frightening to me as I have my sister( not very close to, very different) who lives 18 hours away, my stepfather ( sweet but can dove me a bit nutty with his stories I have heard 100’s of times) who lives 3 hours away and is grieving my mother and now having medical issues. I have an uncle who is not doing well at this moment …he is 93. My aunt who I was closest with fought with my sister over the will when my mom died and tried to drag me into it 2 weeks after my mom died. So that relationship change is something also I had to grieve. So I think it is the loneliness that also makes it even harder. I have my husband. We have no children . I feel like I am down to my hubby, one widowed dove, a cat, my sister, and her two kids that I don’t know too well as they grew up across the country when my sister lived out west. The memories of being with my family well up in my mind at times. I never know when. I used to feel like I was suffocating from it. My loved ones are everywhere in my house. Their ashes. I take care of my friends plants I inherited. I look at the furniture I got from my cousin’s house. I look at my moms beloved Knick knacks. I look at the owl art of my dads he so loved. I look at old photos and videos. I began to feel that I spent too much time looking back and that I needed to look forward and live. Those memories of joy ( most of bad ones I find have faded luckily) remind me how important it is to live life and find joy. When my mom died this summer I went backpacking in Iceland. My husband and I have realized how short and precious life is. We are taking ss as soon as we can and in the meantime going to explore the world as much as financially possible, and then find and settle in a country more affordable for retirement. Life is beautiful. Life is precious. We must experience it while we have it! Their deaths have opened a door for me into the meaning of life… to be happy. To experience beauty and joy. For now while We must work, so that is limited , but soon, in a few years we will say goodbye to our house and our ‘stuff’ and explore and enjoy. And we will be free of family obligations to do so. I guess that’s one lemonade made from the lemons. No attachments. Complete freedom to do what we want. Right now I look forward and get excited about the future. I just can’t keep looking back. I can be grateful for all the wonderful time and experiences I had with them, but I have to look forward, because we can’t go backwards can we? Grief is the price we must pay for love. It is worth it, but it doesn’t need to control us. It is just a reminder of the love we have. It is just a reminder of all those memories that we treasure so. It makes me feel so grateful to have had the honor of knowing those loved ones. It is also a huge reminder of the future and our own lives that are also heading towards the inevitable . I don’t want to look back and grieve what could have been my own life. I want to live it now to my fullest and make wonderful plans for the future. That would bring honor to all those gone who have loved me. So hugs to you my dear. You are not alone. Always think of how you can do self care when the waves of Grief wash over you. They would never want you to drown in sorrow from their passing. They want you to be happy. I want you to feel happy. You should want that for yourself. Go find some joy and treasure the making of new happy memories! Do things for yourself that you will find pleasure in! Live. And when the happy memories pop up of your loved ones, feel them, and move on. When the sad memories pop up, guess what? You can replace them with happy memories! But don’t stay too long in them for they are just some chapters you have already read
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Jan404040 Apr 2023
I have a friend whose had many losses in her life. She seems to get the energy to keep going by telling everyone she's living for those who she's lost. She is an amazing person, I have been inspired by her example. Perhaps we can look around for people in similar situations and reach out to them. Maybe that could give us new purpose.
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i am so sorry for your loss. We’re in a horrible devastating club. From age 33-39 I lost my mom sister and brother-the closest people in my life. 5 months after my brother died his dog passed and he was the link to the past and the people I loved. I already lost my brother and father in early childhood. I am so damn sad tonight. I have 2 other sisters much older who I wasn’t as close to. We’ve been talking lately but I think , they’ll be next. Is this all life is now? Waiting for the next person to leave you? I tried to be positive about being 40, thinking I can start over but instead I’ve just been so sad and lonely , in a job I hate, no one to talk to and pretending to have it all together for the kids I raised raised( niece and nephew) and my grandbabies.
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poodledoodle Mar 2022
Sending my love to you.

Imagine your family cheering you on. They would want you: to be happy, find ways to get up again, have fun, find solutions to your problems, explore new, unexpected hobbies and passions. Use life to the fullest. :)

Poodle :)
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I can relate totally to what you say.
It's very difficult to describe my feelings as well. Like you say, you just end up functioning, and I find that's it. I have to force myself just to do day to day basic stuff, and to be honest the feelings are overwhelming ad soon as I start to dwell on me now having no family. My brother, mum, dad, all gone. I have no one. I guess reading about others in the same situation does help. But like you say, things change. For the worse.
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Reply to Clarkey
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I was adopted and raised by my grandparents, both long gone. My adopted brother (biological uncle) died in 2018 of an alcohol overdose and my adopted sister (biological aunt) is in the next room right now dying of congestive heart failure and complications of a brain injury, in hospice care. It was only after my brother died that I realized that I was going to be all alone very soon, without any close family left. My only living relative will soon be my biological mother, and she is in her late 70s and battling a progressive disease of her own. I have a loving partner, but I never had children, something I am regretting horribly at the moment (I'm in my 50s, so too late). The idea that I will no longer have my own family and home to go to for holidays--no one to share stories with, no one with a common history--is gutting me. The fact that I am the last in my family line is also crushing. I also did not realize how much I loved my aunt until now--she was like a second mother to me, and I took her for granted. I did not go to see her nearly as much as I should have. Now that she will soon be gone, the idea of her not in the world is absolutely crushing. I simply had not thought forward to what my future would look like, and now it's too late. Add to all this the fact that she had been battling illness for a while before it got bad, and I got to her too late to truly help, and the fact that I have been desperately trying to manage her care, and due to medical mixups, misdirections, and sheer physician neglect, I am 100 percent sure that she is dying when she did not have to be. I feel so responsible, and I do not know how I am going to get through this.
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Reply to Sophia54
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I can relate. Many things don't seem the same anymore, places you used to go and things you used to do with loved ones, lose their lustre.

The best you can do is try and find something new.
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Reply to Cover99
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Over the past 5 years, Death has picked off most of our friends and family, one by one.

I know what you mean about the sky looking different the morning after. My Dad passed at his home in January of this year, and Mom and I were his around the clock caregivers. I felt immediately as if there's a hole in the world where my dad used to be. And that doesn't really explain it either.

I haven't had time to grieve or process what I think, since I'm now my Mom's caregiver. I don't dare feel too much, because there's no time for me to fall apart.
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Reply to KatyKat
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I lost my only son, My Dad, My only sister and my only brother, my brother in law and both sets of Grandparent's all within seven years. My Mom and I are all that is left in our family. I feel completely empty.
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Clarkey Sep 2022
How are you at the moment? My family all gone. It's unbearable 💙😔
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