I helped my mom move to an assisted living facility near me last year, several states away from her home. She had been declining physically and mentally and was struggling to live alone, far from family. A fall that greatly reduced her mobility triggered the move. She can no longer bathe independently and does not have the strength or balance to do things like fix a meal or do laundry. She is very high risk for falls. I work full time, have young children, and my house is not accessible. Our options were to try to move to a larger, more accessible house and move her in with us and set up in-home care or find an assisted living facility for her. We talked through the options and Mom agreed assisted living was the best option. She had received in-home care after her other falls and it didn’t feel sufficient after her last fall to manage her new limitations. She’s also very social and would be lonely while we were at work all day.After a year, while it’s not perfect, I can say she is receiving fantastic care in assisted living. The staff is wonderful and caring. Overall it’s been very positive and while I know she wishes she was back in her old community, she does feel safe and the stress she was living with before is wayyyy down. It’s making the best of the hands we were dealt.As you can imagine, getting to this place of stability and safety has been an absolute marathon for me, from emergency caregiving, paperwork, selling properties, setting up insurance, transferring medical records, etc. But I find there is such a stigma associated with moving your parent to a care facility and no support or recognition that it can be the most caring option. When I do talk about our situation I find people assume I gave up caring for her when in fact between visits and taking her to appointments I spend quite a lot of time and energy on Mom. People often say oh she should try independent living instead (she’s way past that) as if it’s still up in the air. I hear, “I could never do that” or “my mom would hate that.” Extended family came to visit recently and I thought finally I would receive some support from people who really know what mom has been through and how difficult the past few years have been. Instead I heard “does she really have to live there?? Isn’t there somewhere else she could go?” because it’s just “too depressing” for her to be there mixed in with mild dementia patients that can be disruptive and struggle to carry on a conversation. I do reassure myself that mom is safe and well-cared for and I know I’m doing right by her. The tragedy is not that she lives there, it’s that her health nosedived and she needs to be there. Most people have never been through this and have no idea how difficult it is so it’s mostly ignorance but it feels like judgement.I’m just wondering how you all who have been through this find support.
I never bought up my LO's in AL so it was not on the table for discussion. My family could care less as long as they did not have to do anything.
What others think about me is not my business.
Ignore the armchair critics or ask them when THEY are stepping up to care for your mom? You'll never hear another comment again, trust me! 🤣
People are really so awful about this.
This is not right, I've been though similar things.
It's usually because of there own fears of growing old going into AL. People fear it so much. My fear is more being a burden on my kids. It's just so wrong.
I just hope that society changes in this, and stops putting so much stress on adult children.
You could tell them , if they are so saddened by it, then why don't you let her come live with you?
I am absolutely sure you are busy enough running around doing everything your mom needs to be done.
You really just have to get hard, harden your feelings. I have a friend that calls me occasionally, and occasionally I answer, because I know I'm going to get " how's your mom, 😕. Do you really think she should be alone as much as she is"
I have learned to cut her of before it even starts, and be extremely firm in my stance, and leave no room for her to say anything else. Last time she actually said to me, well , I'm so worried about growing old and my kids won't take care of me. I told her well, get your s*"+ together now well your younger, so you don't become a burden on your children. That's exactly what I'm doing! Actually it's been a bit since I heard from her.
I think you just have to get though, and confidence, and if your second guessing yourself. Say over and over. I'm doing the best that I can , I'm doing everything I can do for mom,
You've done an absolutely marvellous job getting everything set up for your mom. Well done!!
Seems like the comments you're getting are from people projecting the worries they have about ageing themselves. It's rude and offensive but they don't understand how these comments affect you. They're just blurting out their own fears for themselves. Think of goats bleating whenever you hear that bullcrap from others. Maybe you will even laugh out loud.
Try to limit your interaction with these folks for awhile and work on your own equilibrium. Don't let them rock your boat. Get more well deserved rest and do things that make you happy - forget about those swine. ;-)
To be honest, that's good as it gets.
As to the judgement of others? Puh-leez. Judgement is cheap. And who cares.
You are correct. Mom is well cared for. And as to anyone who dares to speak judgement to your face tell them where to go, or shrug your shoulders and tell them you never met anyone so rude. Your choice. Or just move silently away from them.
Don't waste one more minute caring about what they think as they certainly don't deserve any space in your brain.
Unless someone has walked in your shoes they have absolutely NO right to say anything. Period. End of sentence.
You have done a great job with your mom and are continuing to do a great job, so just tune out the few ignorant folks that may feel you want to hear their opinion.
Or better yet, next time someone says something, tell them that they are more than welcome to take your mom into their home to care for her. I bet that will shut them up in a hurry!
In my case, I was 15 when my Dad died, the Monday after the funeral, my alcoholic Mother took me to the bank, put me on the account, handed me her car keys and told me "Deal with it." She decided Dad was gone and she was DONE. I got stuck paying bills, grocery shopping, cooking, doing dishes and housekeeping while my older brother and younger sister did nothing, while Mom was passed out. By age 18, I was gone and never looked back!
I got to have 3 years of retirement, before I stepped in to help my Ex, who had no other family left, evicted from his own condo by his HOA. They were going to sell his condo and take his equity until I jumped in. We had become friends after the divorce, but with his mild cognitive issues, he became an entirely different person. He was disrespectful, lazy, dirty, has regular tantrums, or sits all day and watches TV, while I'm running around cleaning and doing everything else! I only expected him to be here 6 months, and it's approaching 3 years.
I hear the opposite judgements...What a great person I am, for saving a homeless combat veteran. I wish I wasn't such a great person and had my life back. I am trying to get better myself after falling off a cliff in Maui a year ago. Nothing like a Near Death Experience as a wakeup call.
I don't get any support, especially from the useless VA. I cut my 2 toxic siblings off 20 years ago, for their judgemental BS. I set up a Trust, so nobody will EVER have to caregive me. No way in hell will I allow myself to be a burden to anyone.
Most people are clueless and will never get it, until it happens to THEM. Don't worry because you have a heart. Be glad you aren't one of them.
I read your profile and WOW. What a hand you've been dealt over and over again. And yet you've prevailed.
I agree 100% about your experience with the VA. I went through something similar for my husband. It was a shockingly difficult, time consuming, and frustrating experience. Shame on the VA!!!!!
Glad at least that you divorced your husband, set up a trust to protect your assets - and I'm rooting for you to extricate yourself from the ex-husband situation pronto. Get out of this!
If it comes again, you say “Well I suggested that you could take her out for a weekend, and you didn’t seem to be interested. Let me know if you change your mind”. Let them try to justify their position. You don't have to justify your own.
My mother is very happy in her AL. She picked it out herself, starting in Independent Living. She is very social and enjoys all the activities being with her friends. Now that she and most of her friends can no longer drive, she would be miserable at home with only a caregiver and occasional visitors. I am so grateful she planned ahead.
Now, for the people sharing their less than favorable opinions with you about your mom in AL, they are fools, and their opinions are worth nothing, so don't give them a second thought. If they have nothing nice or actually helpful to say to you, they should stay silent.
The quote "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.", often attributed to Abraham Lincoln, is very fitting in this case.
Any one that thinks enough isn't being done or something should be done differently is more than welcome to do it themselves!
I got tired of the manipulations real fast.
I've gotten to where when someone has their latest great idea of what should be done, I immediately say "I'm doing all I'm willing to do already so I won't be involved in this". Then I don't hear anymore about that idea because they themselves are not willing to do it.
It sounds like you've done very well for your mother. Don't let anyone tell you differently-or at least put earplugs in.
Way back in time, there were no such places around for seniors to move. If one had dementia or a physical disability, they went to the County Asylum which were dark dank places with unsmiling faces. And from one generation to the next, that is how nursing homes and such places were presented.
Not once did I ever get any negative feedback when my Mom had to move to a skilled nursing home (she now needed a village), and when my Dad moved into a senior facility (it looked like a Victorian hotel) which he loved.
This lady decided to tell me all about how she took care of her mom, and she would never put her in a NH. It was a long line and very busy, and I couldn't get outta there fast enough.
It honestly never ends , with people having that opion
She is safe.
She made the decision to live in AL.
If people have a "problem" with YOUR mom making the choice to reside in an AL community then THEY can talk to your mom about it.
I have written and deleted so many comments but there just is no "good" comment that I can make about people that butt into others lives when they have no idea what is going on in the background.
So just smile, grit your teeth and take a sip of water (try not to choke) and change the subject.
why not live in a nice place with food prepared, your apartment cleaned, activities, helpers to give me assistance, and people to socialize with ?
ignore those bad-talkers and remember what i just said. They are ugly people who are not your friends.
There is no one size fits all as far as these decisions go. There is no right way and no wrong way to navigate caring for an elderly LO because everyone's story is different.
I know when my time comes I will be going to AL because I do not want my daughter to go through what I did.
Your mother is lucky to have you in her corner.
I am seeking assisted living quarters now - and will have to go through everything you did - selling her home, disposing of belongings, modifying her trust... you name it.
My husband and I are in our 70's and although we are in good health now, we are spending more time caring for mom than I did for my teenagers. We feel we deserve some time of our own (we have not enjoyed "retirement" yet) while we still are able to enjoy some freedom.
I refuse to let anyone make me feel guilty. I am not moving her in with me (same issues you have with an inaccessible home), and she cannot stay on her own much longer.
Thanks for your post, which is a guide to what I need to do. I hope this all goes well for you.
When it is family, try saying something like... I guess not, if you are offering to let her live with you! Whatever reasons they give, remind them you have the exact same issues. Of course be ready with a response if someone suggests they can actually let her move in and you already know their situation will not allow it safely. Remind them your mother played an important part in the decision making and you respected her opinion and valued her part of the process.
When others feel whatever you did is wrong in their eyes, they also "assume" you actually did so because you really wanted to! They have no idea the layers of decisions that have been made before you came to the your final conclusion of the best choice.
I remember feeling that way, even a bit angry, when my aunt had to choose a facility for my grandmother. It is easy on the outside looking in, unaware or ignoring all the real issues. I have found sometimes when I feel a "stigma" attached to a decision I have to make, it is because I too had felt that way in the past about other's choices. It is amazing how we can change when we have stepped into the shoes of experience.... so if necessary, let others know you sincerely hope they never have to wear the shoes of experience and hopefully their questions will change to empathy.
Everyone has a different set of circumstances. Caregiving is not a one-size fits all. Each State has different resources. You have to try to maximize what you can through health insurance first which we both have in common as we brought in-home services which was adequate "at that time" but now your loved ones functioning has declined and another plan needs to be in place.
It's hard to juggle everyday life as well as caregiving. At one time I had to find a 4-hour respite day program for my mother (dementia) who is mobile just so I could get the oil changed on the car and my teeth cleaned. It was an Act of Congress to line up my everyday routine--telephone calls with Blue Cross, doctors appointments, set up passwords for the portal, reimbursement forms, order prescriptions, dispensing meds, laundry, quality food, haircuts, etc. Plus I have to keep a roof over my head and I don't want to be living on popcorn in my old age.
As I have mentioned in newly recent posts, I moved crossed-country to find an Assisted Living that has an Independent Living. Basically, an apartment. These places are needed because the family dynamics are different than when I grew up. Stay-at-home Mom, live in grandmother with in-law apartment, men worked all day, division of labor, pretty much everyone I knew (in my era, I am 60) lived this way. A lot more kids around with more hands to help. Extended family all lived in the the same State. Neighbors popped in without an invite everyday, that was the norm. Families were larger, you get it.
Today is not the case. My sister who never helped out has not forgiven me since "I took her mother away". She informed me that you are taking care of Mom. When I hit 60 and my grays needed to be covered with blonde highlights, I said it's time I make a move and not worry what people think.
I actually live in the IL with mother as an add-on since the Assisted Living is out of budget but I bring help in and meals are provided so this works out perfectly. I work remotely and I belong to a thriving Church. I have interests, friends, etc. I am not going to be the girl in the supermarket who after mother passes takes out a photo and shows people a picture of her cat. You get what I am saying.
My mother could never live in Independent Living on her own. As you said, your mother is beyond that and the same for my mother. Her executive functioning skills are declining. With Dementia, it's like a set of stairs going downwards. They go down, then they plateau for a while, then down another step and so on.
Unless people are pitching in and helping you out and providing a better plan of action, don't let it ruffle your feathers. Stay centered. It's not like you're dropping Mom off and never checking on her. If there is something you see you don't like at the AL you speak up or you move your mother. If it's something that concerns her safety, of course, you more than likely would immediately remove your mother and bring her home.
For the record I have been in the trenches for 10+ years now and I have won my dutiful daughter badge but I don't know how this is going to end but I am not going to refuse any help. I need to still be standing when all is said and done.
Amen Sister...
You sound like you are on top of things. No one walks in our shoes.