My mom and I had a very unhealthy relationship my entire life. I am the second youngest, and the only one of my siblings to leave my hometown area and move away. I was the first to go to college. My mom did not want me to go to college, she made that very clear. She has resented me for 30 years for going anyway and told everyone that. I moved away as soon as I graduated. I tried to maintain a relationship with her, but it was very hard. The only times she ever called me were when she needed something. My dad died when I was a toddler. I have three living siblings: older sister is on the spectrum, works a minimum wage job and lived for the past 25 years in a mobile home practically in my mom's back yard; oldest brother is an alcoholic (recently diagnosed with alcohol related dementia). My younger sister is an addict. She is also an RN but has been fired from more jobs than I can count (stealing meds, no-showing). My other brother passed away of alcohol related issues. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a year ago. Before we got the diagnosis, when she first started having symptoms, I went down to be with her for the hysterectomy and subsequent recovery. Even though my other siblings live close by and I'm 240 miles away, no one wanted to do it because she is so difficult. What we expected to be an outpatient surgery ended up being a 22-day hospital stay with several very close calls. I stayed with her from the time she went for the surgery until she was released and was able to go home. I helped her go to the bathroom, I emptied her drains, I emptied her catheter, I bathed her - all things that are very personal and I knew she would be uncomfortable so I tried everything I could to make it less so. I reminded her how many times she had changed my diapers, fed me, etc. Mom resented me and made it clear she wished she had someone else - anyone else - to take care of her. My older sister did not want to help. My younger sister came twice to the hospital but was so high both times the nursing staff asked me to ask her to leave. My brother was in no shape to help. Every other person in her life she has alienated with her hateful attitude and constant character attacks. She alienated my aunts and uncles as well. I put my business and my life on hold while she was sick because I wanted to her get good care and she wanted to be at home. After a few months, the cancer took away her ability to get out of bed. Still kept her at home, changed diapers, carried her to potty chair, tried everything to keep her at home but mom got very combative and one day a visiting hospice nurse saw her hit me and implored me to put her in inpatient hospice because she refused to take her pain meds and I was at my wits end. Mom hated the hospice although it was lovely. She called the nurses and chaplains names. She bit a syringe in half the first night she was there and then smugly said "you are lucky - I was going for your finger." The chaplains tried SO very hard to get through to her. They asked her if she had anyone, she needed to make amends with because she lingered on and suffered for weeks. She told them a lot of people had wronged HER so they should try going out and finding those people and bringing them in to apologize to her. She refused meds (pain meds, which was awful, and I begged them to give them to her anyway because otherwise she was in excruciating pain). One of my aunts came to visit and mom told her I had put her there "in this bad place" and no one could find her. The reality was no one wanted to visit which broke my heart for her. She called out for my dad and for her mother and would angrily scream their names because I guess they did not answer. She kept seeing a man in a black hat and overcoat behind the door. I hear about other people seeing people in white or family members. I am haunted by the fact she died so angry and with so much hate. And I cannot find peace now because of it.
I think (I am not a therapist..but I play one on the internet🤣) your mom was jealous of your success, your ability to do what you have done despite her.
This also sorta wants me to know what her childhood was like. It may not have been a pleasant one.
You can't make someone happy.
You did everything for mom that you could but you couldn't make her happy.
What you can take away from this is your mom did what a mother is supposed to do. She taught you how to survive in this world. You took one road to survival it seems your siblings took another. You are a better person for how you changed your circumstances.
YOU can rest easy knowing that you did what you could and that you could not have changed her outlook.
If you are not seeing a therapist please consider doing so just to talk a bit to ease your mind that there really is nothing more you could have done.
((hugs)) for you.
Please get some grief therapy for yourself if you're unable to move past these feelings.
My condolences on the loss of your mother.
You did a heroic job anyway, and I commend you for being the kind of wonderfully conscientious, loving and strong person you are despite all the horrible things you endured at this person’s hands.
Grace and peace to you, and all the best for your future.
Your mother made your life difficult. This can be a burden we bear. We often long for a different relationship but we can't change who our mother was. I found myself blaming myself for incidents that occurred at one of the facilities she was in. I got her moved. Yes I wish I was more patient at times. I wish she had taken better care of herself in earlier years. As she had been a serious dancer her later behavior confused and frustrated me but that was because I cared for her well being.
It simply is not worth torturing yourself. You did so much with little help due to the behavior of your siblings. I happen to be an only child so I was responsible for all decisions. We are about to expect our 6th grandchild and I want to be happy and helpful for that as well as a good grandmother to the other five. I can't do that if I am in inner turmoil about what I cannot change.
Please try to take back control of your life which may take time and realize you have worth and deserve happiness.
Yes, it's sad she chose this way. It's what she wanted. You could have stood by her 24/7 and she still wouldn't give a damn. Some people are just hateful and there's not enough love in the world to make them soften.
It's not up to you now to 'find peace'. She's gone. You couldn't change the outcome, no one could! Maybe hope she has peace now wherever she is.
Just be glad you broke the cycle. You're not broken like your siblings. You made it out.
You cannot control someone's else's mental state. The fact that you hung in there to the bitter end speaks volumes about your own fine & loving character.
My DH is now 'trying' to grieve the loss of his mother, with whom he had a tenuous relationship at best. (Not as bad as yours, wow, that really takes the cake!) I wish he would get some counseling & grief therapy and he refuses. So he just feels awful a lot of the time.
Time will help with the healing. I know that sounds trite, but it's true. I know that now the CG for my MIL is over, the sibs are all trying to deal with the 'loss' and the fact that none of them feels very bad. Talking to each other, venting their feelings, all this is helping.
I am a person of faith and I know there is more life after this one. We have eternity to work things out. Taking that POV helps to put this life and its problems in perspective.
Your mom may have had undiagnosed mental illness, or she could have just been mean. That happens.
You go on and live your best life. Let mom's sad life serve as a warning about how you act. We serve as good examples or terrible warnings.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find peace.
You need to get some help with forgetting about this trauma. My daughter is going to hypnotherapy to deal with issues in her life. She says it is helping. Maybe this is something to consider?
We r not responsible for others decisions. Your Mom passed on her own terms.
Your mother died as she lived--with struggle and bitterness.
As an RN I can promise you that we ALMOST ALWAYS DO die just as we lived.
Why would you expect anything other?
You helped her because that is what you always attempted to do for her.
As an RN I can promise you that we ALMOST ALWAYS DO exactly what we always attempted to do.
Why would we do anything else?
And now, after ALL OF THIS LIFETIME OF THIS, you will choose to not find peace because she died angry by her own choice and because her limitations precluded her from being a decent human being and an even minimally adequate Mom?
Really? Because that's a shame and a waste, I think.
I would suggest seeing a really good cognitive therapist.
Find one that will shake you up good, not the one who sits, listens, nods her head and collects 200.00 for it. Find one that shocks you and makes you shudder.
Find one who will send you onto a road less traveled. Because you are stuck in the habits of a lifetime and they will do you harm.
I want more for you. If not happiness itself, I want at least contentment and a decent life for you.
Don't you want that yourself?
You have an extremely injured and dysfunctional family.
If you stay with them you will live the lives they choose to live.
And it IS a CHOICE.
Sorry to be so tough with you.
If I didn't CARE, I would just plaster you with platitudes of understanding and loving kindness.
I usually say I am sorry for your loss.
In fact, I am NOT sorry for it. I am glad that your poor unhappy mother is finally at peace.
she was in it. Thank you for your words.