Mom is 87 and has had issues with syncope for the past 15 months. Her PCP told her 11 months ago that she would either need someone with her 24/7 or live in an assisted living facility. The latter is out of the question due to us 3 kids promising her and Dad that that would never happen. Also, due to her income, there's not a decent and affordable ALF nearby.
After much prayer and being told that sometimes 3 or 4 days would pass before anyone other than myself would call her, we (husband who is disabled, learning disabled child, and myself) asked her to move into the apartment that was literally in our backyard. She refused due to being away from her last living sibling, doctors, and friends. That's understandable. She asked for us to move in with her. We said yes, which meant us losing 40% of our income, uprooting our daughter from the only church and school she's ever known, and moving to a city with a very high crime rate.
Before I get too far into this, let me say my husband and I have 4 children of which 3 are grown and married (30, 27, & 22) and a 12 year old with LD's. After my husband became disabled at 37 I went to college (I was 38) to get my degree to teach in order to support our family. It took me 6 years to earn my BA while working part time and had another baby. We are both 52 now. I taught high school for 5 years, earning my master's degree. I had zero tolerance for nonsense in my classroom, although there was much love and respect. I'm still in the mode of expecting respect from those around me.
About 2 months after moving in with Mom, it became apparent that she is manipulative when it comes to making her seem she is unable to care for herself. Her syncope only occurs if she doesn't drink enough water, eats too much PB, and doesn't take something to keep her regular. 3 times in 4 months it's happened - 2 of which resulted in episodes liking to seizures and calling 911. Once I realized what was going on I suddenly became the bad guy because I told my brothers (one lives nearby and the other 3 hours away). She is mentally aware of everything around her and what she does - politics, news, other people's business, etc. Including complaining about nearly everything. She promised that when we moved in she would go to church with us (she and Dad went faithfully every Sunday), but always had an excuse and got my SIL to sit with her. That's getting a little better.
She has tricked us all in some way or another. My brothers overlook most of it and I probably did, too before I was faced with it daily. Several days ago she shared a post on FB that she probably thought was funny, but actually deeply hurt me. It could cause people to think I'm hateful and beligerent towards her. I have to admit that I have been rude to her several times in the past several months. I do not curse or have tantrums, but have raised my voice to her, expressing my irritations. I deleted the post from her timeline and unfriended everyone who was not family that we were mutual friends with.
In the past 3 weeks I've had 2 episodes of where I feel like I may be slipping into depression. My husband has been understanding, as it's been getting to him, too (not depression, just irritating).
I apologize for this being so long. I need advice on how to stay strong, sane, and still treat my mom with honor and respect. Or maybe I'm just venting. Lol.
She's manipulative and ungrateful. You try to get her to take care of herself and she makes is out that YOU'RE the bad guy?
Set a date and move out.
Promises made under duress have no validity. You've done your bit. If your brothers want to give it a try, let them.
Keep in mind that old, old people have this idea passed on that AL's are all terrible and the patient is mistreated. Well, the world has changed in the last 50 years and we need to change with it. In addition to this people did not live as long, now a 70 yo can easily live to 90 or beyond. And, she will not get better, only worse.
Get yourself together, move out, don't jeopardize your mental and physical health for her. Let her hire Visiting Angels or someone like them who feeds peoples minds with the "I promised my father that I would never place my mother in a home" stuff...that is just a marketing campaign to get them the business.
IMO there is only one way to stay strong and sane...move out...it is her home not yours...her rules.
I agree with cwillie's first answer on this thread. The sooner you acknowledge it's not working out and move the better.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-is-it-okay-to-surrender-454361.htm
I think you have your hands full enough with your disabled husband and a special needs child who is going to see your mom get worse. Has your mother always been the way she is now?
Does your mom have enough money to pay for some caregivers during the day? One thing about moving back home with a parent is that they can easily forget that you are an adult and start treating you like a child.
I think you need to contact adult protective services; explain your mom's condition; and see if they have or know of any resources that might help.
You may need to see a therapist for support and a doctor for anti-depressants.
I wish you the best.
Have you read up on "Fear Obligation and Guilt"? That's what she's doing.
My mom's regular PCP thought she was "fine". We switched to a geriatric doc who saw almost immediately that she was not fine. He sent her to a psychiatrist who insisted on a full neurocog workup.
If mom has some cognitive issues, correcting her is NOT what you want to do. She may have lost the ability to plan and understand the importance of drinking water, stool softeners, etc. Its call lack of executive functioning.
It still doesn't make it your problem to attend to by giving up your career, life and future security for your daughter.
Do you "correct" or just say you rather not talk about that subject. I guess its a teacher thing, but as an adult I would not want to be "corrected" by another adult. I had an acquaintance who did this. If I didn't say something just right or pronounced a word wrong I would get corrected. It drove me nuts. She doesn't seem to do it as much now. A woman I worked with had no problem pointing out your flaws. see less