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My mom lives with me. I have cared for her 24/7 for six years. I think she is approaching the end. I want to enjoy my time with her, but I worry so much about what is coming that I feel sad and depressed.
Have you talked to her about your worry? 6 years is a long time to care for someone. And if she has had to have a caregiver for that length of time, and probably even longer I am sure she is exhausted. I am sure at this point your mom is not sad or depressed. She may actually be worried about you. So talking may help. Fact of life...we all die. No getting around that fact. yes it hurts. That is part of love. If you did not love her it would not hurt.
You say "she is approaching the end" so because I am who I am I have to ask do you have Hospice in to help you and your mom? They can be a wonderful means of support for you.
While it is hard to do, 'try' to realize that when you focus on feeling sad due to anticipatory grief, that you aren't really PRESENT with her now in the moment(s) you have. I know that when I went through this, wondering when the last day, hour, moment would be - never knowing when - that I was as present as I could be. It doesn't mean the sadness and grief goes away, it meant to me to enjoy the moments I had being 100% present.
It hurts when we know a loved one is dying and not knowing when that finale moment may be. There is no escaping the ending of life or transition nor the grief we experience. I encourage you to try to 'be with the grief' rather than afraid of how you will feel in it.'
I encourage you to talk to your mom and tell how how much you love her, hold her hand. Talk about the 'good times,' and the funny times. Get it all out now, even if she isn't able to understand or hear you. If she can, that is a major gift to you. The present is all you have. Be fully 'in' it.
I decided one year that I needed help dealing with long-term shame and guilt associated with how I grew up. My parents were in their 80's, still spry but clearly declining. In the course of looking around, I found a therapist who listed herself as a grief counselor and I thought that would be good because it's often the intense emotions below shame and guilt that are lurking. In talking with her, I discovered there is such a thing as anticipatory grief--contrary to other posts, engaging in anticipatory grief is NOT the same as worrying about death. I had already read (edit: spelling) Elisabeth Kubler-Ross decades before and other people's work when a college boyfriend was battling acute leukemia and losing. I already had an amazing spiritual community who have a specific death and dying ministry. But the ministers were all volunteers in other parts of the state, not living close by. Being able to talk things through with an experienced therapist or a religious person trained in these concepts can only help, because these specific, challenging periods in our lives when losing a parent provide a key opportunity for self-examination especially related to one's own life and death, as well as handling the practical realities of the death. That's what's really going on after all, whether death is imminent or years/decades ahead. Our Western and globally westernized society spends so much time denying death, trying to overcome it against all evidence, or sublimating it with future expectations of rosy rewards, that we fail to live the relationship with the person we worry about, the other people in our lives, or with ourselves. Good for you for reaching out for help and doing what you can to be prepared WITH your mom. I can't say enough in online forums about this topic. Good luck!
I lost my brother who lived with his wife in OR to prostrate cancer. I got a call less than 24 hours before he was gone so I started grieving last Sunday before he passed away.
I believe anticipatory grief can help reduce the crushing impact when the time comes. I cared for my wife in one way or another for five years before she died. At first (at 68 yo) it was a broken hip: easy peesy at first - retrofitted the bathroom ( bars and a walk-in bathtub), helped with in and out of bed, in and out of the shower (she hated that tub), making sure she didn't fall in the potty room. Gradually improved. Did my best to keep the spirits up.
At 71, she had major surgery to fix a complex aortic aneurism. There were leaks and two subsequent non invasive surgeries to fix the leaks. They sorta worked, but she began to suffer from chronic anemia, not as a result of the leaks, but because of near absence of iron in her bone marrow. A period of trips to a cancer center for infusions, during which her hemoglobin would periodically improve. Trips to a nephrologist to monitor her failing kidneys. Eventually, pneumonia twice - two hospital stays followed by rehab facility, the last time of which she was admitted to the hospital after a week because her hemoglobin was dangerously low. There she eventually passed, fighting the whole time. Every day, I would wake up at 5 to check the blood test results on the portal.
She saw it coming before I did, two years prior. I had the "white knight in shining armor" syndrome. About a year before she passed, I was sitting in the sun room and realized that some things are simply out of our control. I would spend my early hours in that sun room gently weeping about the inevitable.
The end was a hit, but would have been much worse if I hadn't recognized and grieved over the inevitable for a year before it came. Yes, there was a little acceptance. But the end still pisses me off from time to time.
I took care of my mom 24/7 for 7 years, with a caregiver ... I also took care of my dad for 3 years. I never thought of the term "anticipatory grief" before, but I guess I had that. For a while there I was thinking like a samurai waking up in the morning welcoming death. I had then little rituals and superstitions I maintained to ward it off, but eventually I realized that what works best was doing stuff... every time we went out and did things, the anticipation was gone and left was only duty, the joy of living, and pride and happiness. It was not all good or easy of course, but even when bad, I had gained new insights and ideas. Of course, I lost friends, quit a triathlon career, quarreled with siblings ... you name the mistake, I probably did it :) but we had lots of fun! When my mom died a month ago, the grief and the pain were intense. After the initial shock and a sort of anger that followed it, a real emptiness settled in, replacing all sense of purpose and self-worth, leaving guilt and regret instead. At times I imagin myself to be a starfish, clinging to a rock, not knowing when the next wave will come and hit, but hanging on nonetheless. It's been a tough month, and it's going to be a tough year, but through small, sometimes painful rituals that signify her passing and the passing of time, as the world moves on uncaring, I'm rising back up, looking to find the new me, one not caring for mom, but cherishing her memory, and taking it forward into a search of beauty in the world, my friends and life itself.
I was part of a small group who cared for a friend with cancer. Like you, I anticipated her passing often. Every time I went over there it was "would she still be there?" in my head. So for me she died many times. At the end, by a fluke really, I was the only person in the room when she passed, though her two grown children were in the house. She was in a coma, partially sat up (to be received?) and slipped away so easily. Obviously, it is a much closer bond with a Mom than a friend so therefore harder. But sadness and relief will factor in there plus your time will suddenly open up. You may feel a bit lost at first but, once your initial sadness wears off, the memorial is over and others have gone back to their lives, try to find an alternative focus - volunteering perhaps. Bless you in your journey.
Wow! Six years, 24/7, is a very long time. I hope you have built some boundaries for yourself during that time to explore your own identity and needs as well. The anxiety and depression you feel could be the realization that you lost yourself in the process of devoting everything you had to caring for your mother. I hope this is not the case. In my caregiving I have ensured that I maintain my friendships and made commitments for my own happiness as well, to ensure that the transition from caregiver to self care isn’t so abrupt. I’ve read the statistics about the long-term effect on caregivers and I do not want to suffer those consequences. Be sure you are putting your well being first. It’s okay to be “selfish.”
I personally don’t believe there’s such a thing as preparing for death. It takes the wind out of us when it comes. It’s also an inevitable part of life with no escape. My mom has been gone a long time now and I still miss her daily. I do now think of her with more smiles than tears as memories bring good thoughts instead of pain. Worry is a useless emotion, never accomplishes anything, just a trap to keep us from moving in any direction. Hold mom’s hand and reassure her of your love and care. Reminisce about good times, play music you both enjoy, read to her. Hopefully you have help from hospice and will avail yourself of their chaplain services. I wish you both much peace
Therapy or counseling could help. Hospice may offer options for this for you.
What Is it you worry most about? Her losing more abilities? Her suffering? Her dying? The afterlife? Whether you have done a good job or the right thing? You being without her and losing the main person you have centered your life on these past many years? These are questions to consider with a therapist or counselor.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Losing a Mother is one of the hardest things to go through. But I agree with funkygrandma59. Hospice is a wonderful resource, a Medicare benefit that many people fail to access. You could both benefit from the support and services that hospice provides. I believe that we pass to a state of glorious existence with The Creator when our bodies die. Death is not the end. You will certainly miss her but focus on being with her now, while you can. Worrying about what’s to come is stealing precious time and energy from the present. May you find peace and comfort during this difficult time.
If you consider death as the "worst is yet to come" then yes the worst is yet to come. But for people that have suffered with any illness for any period of time, death is actually a relief. And it can also be a relief for those of us that have chosen to care for our loved ones for years, as it most certainly takes its toll on us as well. Definitely bring the hospice of your choice on board now, so your mom can die as pain free and comfortable as possible, and just enjoy whatever time you may have left with your mom. And by all means make sure that you leave nothing left unsaid. And it may be time to talk to your doctor about going on an anti-depressant to help with your depression.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
6 years is a long time to care for someone.
And if she has had to have a caregiver for that length of time, and probably even longer I am sure she is exhausted.
I am sure at this point your mom is not sad or depressed. She may actually be worried about you. So talking may help.
Fact of life...we all die. No getting around that fact.
yes it hurts.
That is part of love. If you did not love her it would not hurt.
You say "she is approaching the end" so because I am who I am I have to ask do you have Hospice in to help you and your mom?
They can be a wonderful means of support for you.
It hurts when we know a loved one is dying and not knowing when that finale moment may be. There is no escaping the ending of life or transition nor the grief we experience. I encourage you to try to 'be with the grief' rather than afraid of how you will feel in it.'
I encourage you to talk to your mom and tell how how much you love her, hold her hand. Talk about the 'good times,' and the funny times. Get it all out now, even if she isn't able to understand or hear you. If she can, that is a major gift to you. The present is all you have. Be fully 'in' it.
Gena / Touch Matters
This journey is going to end in her death so it is important that you accept that this is going to be the outcome sooner rather than later.
You might need a grief support group or anti-depressants to get through this time.
I wish you peace as you navigate this ordeal.
At 71, she had major surgery to fix a complex aortic aneurism. There were leaks and two subsequent non invasive surgeries to fix the leaks. They sorta worked, but she began to suffer from chronic anemia, not as a result of the leaks, but because of near absence of iron in her bone marrow. A period of trips to a cancer center for infusions, during which her hemoglobin would periodically improve. Trips to a nephrologist to monitor her failing kidneys. Eventually, pneumonia twice - two hospital stays followed by rehab facility, the last time of which she was admitted to the hospital after a week because her hemoglobin was dangerously low. There she eventually passed, fighting the whole time. Every day, I would wake up at 5 to check the blood test results on the portal.
She saw it coming before I did, two years prior. I had the "white knight in shining armor" syndrome. About a year before she passed, I was sitting in the sun room and realized that some things are simply out of our control. I would spend my early hours in that sun room gently weeping about the inevitable.
The end was a hit, but would have been much worse if I hadn't recognized and grieved over the inevitable for a year before it came. Yes, there was a little acceptance. But the end still pisses me off from time to time.
Obviously, it is a much closer bond with a Mom than a friend so therefore harder. But sadness and relief will factor in there plus your time will suddenly open up. You may feel a bit lost at first but, once your initial sadness wears off, the memorial is over and others have gone back to their lives, try to find an alternative focus - volunteering perhaps. Bless you in your journey.
What Is it you worry most about? Her losing more abilities? Her suffering? Her dying? The afterlife? Whether you have done a good job or the right thing? You being without her and losing the main person you have centered your life on these past many years? These are questions to consider with a therapist or counselor.
May you find peace and comfort during this difficult time.
But for people that have suffered with any illness for any period of time, death is actually a relief. And it can also be a relief for those of us that have chosen to care for our loved ones for years, as it most certainly takes its toll on us as well.
Definitely bring the hospice of your choice on board now, so your mom can die as pain free and comfortable as possible, and just enjoy whatever time you may have left with your mom. And by all means make sure that you leave nothing left unsaid.
And it may be time to talk to your doctor about going on an anti-depressant to help with your depression.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.