How do you help a parent, but still place boundaries on them, because you realize they're taking advantage of your family's generosity?
I previously posted about my father just moving into my home. He supposedly couldn't take care of himself any longer. He was in the hospital for pneumonia & came to pick up his dog, we were caring for, and never left our home. He was abused by my brother. We kicked out my brother's girlfriend from his home in September. Dad quit paying his bills after that and the loan company wanted to do a short sale on his home. Dad is a hoarder & went on a spending spree. I had no clue of this when he came here. In hindsight, I honestly feel now that my father "put on a show" by pretending to be unconscious and having me call the ambulance twice in one week, so that I would open up my home to him. I got his affairs in order. He never paid me one dime & he suddenly quit talking to us a month ago. My previous post goes into some of his behaviors. He never helped one bit. Just would come to the dinner table but very little conversing. My husband informed him that he is going to have to get rid of his dog, as my husband has Stage 3 asthma and we had to get rid of our very loved husky this past summer. Suddenly, Dad wants to go back home. This is after living here 2 months, not contributing one dime toward food or anything. He earns twice as much income as our family at the moment, as my husband applied for SSDI last February. So we are living on only my income. I do not want my father to think every time he spends too much that he can take advantage of me. See, there were talks of him selling his home & using that money to add onto our home. Now that's the last thing I would ever want. My teens are ticked off at him not ever saying one thank you to me for all I am doing. He is very self absorbed. For instance, he drinks up all of the milk & not caring if anyone has any. He thinks I am "ridiculous" with all the cleaning I do. We live 3 hours away from my father's home. I told him if he goes back, that I cannot be there at his beck and call. I also told him we cannot come get his dog if he is hospitalized again either. I suggested senior apartments but he won't even respond to that. He says he is just scared about the "rest of his life." I am beyond frustrated. He misses his "son". Which just makes me sick, as my brother is dealing with a felonious assault charge right now in court for giving my father a concussion. My dad was never a good father to me & now I feel he is using my family. What are my options if he needs help again? Coming to our home is not an option. He has totally depressed everyone here by moping around. What are my options?
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“What are my options if he needs help again”? Give him a list of phone numbers he can call for help. Home Care agencies, residential facilities, state agencies. It’s respectful – he stays in charge of his genuine options – which don’t include your place.
Next time dad needs help, tell him to call 911. He brings in $3K a month, you said, which is enough to fund his life in a number of IL apartments or he can sell his home and use the proceeds to fund his life in AL. Any number of options exist. Let him know what they are.
Once you learn how to set down boundaries and stick to them, then dad's on his own using resources to help himself rather than moving back into your house to further depress you & your family.
I would see an elder law attorney now about evicting your father from your home. You can provide him with placement choices according to his assets and income, but you cannot force him to take that placement if he is unwilling and if he is undiagnosed. Even if diagnosed I can only hope you are not and never become his guardian. Do know that once "home", any "help" you provide will simply enable his bad decisions. A 911 call is as available to this gentleman as it is to any person who never HAD any children to count on. If he must have help of the state for guardianship then that may be the way of it. If your father is hospitalized it is important you tell Social Services that he cannot come to your home, that you cannot care for him, and that they will have to use their own discharge planning to provide him with placement, or rehab and then placement.
If you wish to seek any counseling before beginning the task of unwinding the decisions that have landed this gentleman in your home I would suggest a Licensed Social Worker in private practice. Not only are they well versed in life transitions work, but will know what resources you can suggest that may provide your father with the help he needs.
I sure wish you well. This is going to be very difficult. Some things cannot be fixed; some things don't have any real answers at all, and there is only the best that can be done given the circumstance. Good luck.
It's the classic lend a hand, have your arm pulled & your wallet taken.
Dad has shown you how he is now. He has needs, housing, bills, company etc. He's got the smarts to find it. If not you, he'll find someone else. Or, at some stage, have a medical emergency & be forced down the rehab-long term care option.
Your teens are watching too. They see how giving & helping works. They also see that boundaries are required for safety. Otherwise 'giving' can turn into 'being taken advantage of'. These can be really good life lessons to discuss as a family, if not now, later.
Has Dad left yet?
Keep that 3 hour distance.
Send a card for his birthday & major holidays if it makes you feel better.
PS I am sorry you never had a close or great relationship with him. It's totally ok to feel sad about that. Many people didn't have the close or great relationship with a parent they would have liked.. see that. Acknowledge that. Don't let any past hurts or regrets cloud your judgement of the current reality.
This is a nightmare! I feel for your entire family.
So, you’re now questioning if he was pretending to be worse off than he actually is so that he could get you to care for him and his dog. That could very well be the case.
I think you know that this situation cannot continue to go on. He has turned your home life upside down. You also can’t make a three hour run to his house if he would return home. His home isn’t safe.
No matter how difficult he is, your brother has abused him. It’s sad that your dad misses him and doesn’t recognize all of the things that you have done for him.
Your father needs to be in a facility. He has proven that he isn’t capable of living in his home.
It seems like you want an easy ‘fix’ to this situation but I feel that things are going to have to get worse before they get better. So, be it!
Allow the situation to become worse for him, in order for him to ultimately get help.
You, your husband and your children deserve better than this.
Wishing you all the best.
I completely understand feeling like you were played. The sad part is they cut their own throats by doing that crap. I would have helped my dad without the lies but, once I discovered the crap, I no longer felt the same way. Not that I wouldn't help, just that the help would be more on my terms and I didn't believe anything from him. If I didn't see it and confirm the reality, I didn't respond.
My dad showed me who he was and I believed him. Your dad has shown you who he is, believe him. It will help you balance future responses to his self created crisis'.
It is super hard to step back but, he has proven that he is the only one that matters to him. Find resources for his area and when he calls for something give him the contact information. That's a nice thing to do for him.
I am so sorry that he has used and abused your and your families good graces.
I would tell your father that he should call the resources available in your area to seniors who do not have family (there are many who never had any children).
Your first obligation is a safe and pleasant environment for your own nuclear family.