I'm really struggling to keep things together and have very little support. I live in the UK but my situation is not location specific. I'm sure it's a common issue.
My mother is very independent (an alternative word for stubborn) and she argues even before she hears what I have to say. I try my best to respect her individuality but her logic is beyond reason. She's no longer my mother but my Nemesis and 90% of conversations end in conflict. I can only walk away so many times before we end up arguing.
I keep telling myself she looked after me when I couldn't do it for myself. I feel I owe her the same respect, but I now have lost all social life, work, interest and motivation.
I’ve lost all contact with my teenage daughter because she couldn’t handle the atmosphere and my commitment to my mother. My grandchildren (from another relationship) do well to put up with it once a week but they know it’s a crazy world I live in.
It has caused friction between me and my sisters (who have their own interests as priority) and I'm annoyed that my mother's illness spreads further than her own mind.
I’m depressed and struggle against self-medication. I have my own medical issue that go ignored and zero social life.
I really want people (and health authorities) to realise that old age, dementia and the care of parents is a disease that spreads far wider than the people who have already lived their lives.
It takes the experience of caring to really understand the implications of longevity and how it impacts all family members.
For some of us, and all too often for just one person, the question must be considered; When does it become too much?
It's the "Eagle story" of the father bird trying to rescue his eaglets in raging winds and floods. He takes one baby from the nest and begins the dreadful flight across raging waters. He asks the baby "And when I am old and weak will you alike bring me across the raging waters"? "Yes, father, I promise you I will" says the baby and the Eagle promptly drops that baby into the raging waters to drown. He returns for the second baby from the nest and while carrying him across the raging waters he asks the same question. But this wise baby bird says "I am sorry father, I can't promise that. But I promise you I will rescue my OWN babies from the raging water".
Your obligation is to the family you have. You are correct, your decision to do this is making you ill, and is injuring your entire family. Moreover, it is not even making happy the one person who demands this sacrifice of so many.
You will have to make your own choice now, moving forward. You will be well trained in sacrifice, and manipulated to the position of seeing yourself as a doormat. It will be painful to move forward out of this. Your Mother should be now moved to care with loving visits paid as often as you can spare while you and your family live a good life moving forward.
It sounds cruel, but not everything that comes to us in life can be fixed. We are not Saints. We are human beings with limitations. I believe your sisters have made the wise choice in this matter.
Please seek some help to deal with the realities of this situation. I am dreadfully sorry for all the pain you are enduring.
Please consider looking into Memory Care places, or whatever the equivalent is in the UK, and take your life back, my friend.
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for your understanding.
Your words are wise and I know they make sense. I'm sure I've gone beyond my limits and most definitely burned out.
However I'm so far into it that I have gone from a high flyer international businessman to a stay at home hidden from all, care giver.
I'm afraid I've become institutionalized and should have seen it coming and bailed out years ago.
My advice and reason for posting is primarily to get it off my chest and warn others that there is a price to pay for loyalty.
I'm sorry for your situation and wish you all the strength you need to deal with your own problems.
Take care, God bless you
Lovely metaphor and for years I've told my daughters they will make me very unhappy if they ever care for me like I have cared for my mother.
The doormat reference is truly accurate and yes I had never realised it but the thought of moving forward has become my self inflicted prison.
I'm so pleased to have posted my thoughts here and the response has been fantastic.
Thank you!
Lovely metaphor and for years I've told my daughters they will make me very unhappy if they ever care for me like I have cared for my mother.
The doormat reference is truly accurate and yes I had never realised it but the thought of moving forward has become my self inflicted prison.
I'm so pleased to have posted my thoughts here and the response has been fantastic.
Thank you so much for your empathy