Follow
Share

I am so torn between the two of them. It's really hard when the weekend comes. I want to do things with my kid, but my mom needs me at the same time. I've tried bring my mom with us, but that only makes things worse between me and my kid. I don't know how to make them both happy.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

18 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Pharm, you probably will not be able to make both happy. Your 12 year old NEEDS your time! You are teaching that child with everything you do. When children do not get the attention and love, acceptance they need they will do anything to get it, much which is not desirable behavior. You need to make time for this daughter, son?

You need to find another care option for your mom on weekend even if it just for a few hours. Pack a lunch, go to the zoo, ball game, museum, with your CHILD! This child is growing up in challenging circumstances. You must find a way to do the things the child wants to do.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Pharm, you probably will not be able to make both happy. Your 12 year old NEEDS your time! You are teaching that child with everything you do. When children do not get the attention and love, acceptance they need they will do anything to get it, much which is not desirable behavior. You need to make time for this daughter, son?

You need to find another care option for your mom on weekend even if it just for a few hours. Pack a lunch, go to the zoo, ball game, museum, with your CHILD! This child is growing up in challenging circumstances. You must find a way to do the things the child wants to do.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
In a year, your mom isn't going to know if you were there, or not. You must make arrangements for her, and spend this time with your son. Shortly, he won't want to hang with you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I agree, your kid NEEDS you more! Your brother needs to help more! Don't ask for help....just tell him what he needs to do. God bless and good luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Ah, twelve is when they don't want to be seen with you anymore, ugh! Twelve needs man time, ball games, fishing, boating, martial arts. Sorry, but those apron strings are fraying fast.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You 12 year old is at a very confusing hormonal age. As a previous single parent, I know you can only spread yourself so thin. Your obligation is to your child at this point. I believe quality time is much more important than quantity time. Discuss with your brother if he can stay with your mother for say 4 hours on Sat or Sun so you spend time with your child. Go to movies or a meal etc. Keep the communication lines open. We used to always go out with MIL and friends of ours. We had stopped going. We made a point of getting care for MIL this last weekend so we could have quality time with friends. We had to make it happen and it was wonderful.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I think you might, with respect, have got those the wrong way round: your 12 year old needs you, your mother wants your help.

The thing is, there isn't anyone else who can be your child's mother. There are lots of people - starting with your brother, but not just him - who can be enlisted to provide the care and support your mother needs. She's still living at her own home, is that right? It sounds as if it's time to investigate what services you can arrange to help her stay safe and well.

The only thing I'd add to everyone else's excellent advice is that it won't do your 12 year old any harm to contribute his or her presence for an hour or two, or a meal time - just occasionally, not every weekend, and not all day - to his/her grandmother's life. Yes, boring; yes, no child's idea of a fun afternoon; but it's a good deed, and it might create some lasting memories to treasure one day.

And, I'm afraid, you can't make everybody happy - so you just have to do what you think is right. C'est la vie. And don't fall for that martyr's trick of thinking that if it's what you prefer it necessarily can't be the virtuous option. Your happiness is important too.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Maybe there will be a few things the three generations can all do - a stroll, a pizza, a movie...but yeah, that kiddo will only be 12 once and can't necessarily be on the back burner. Maybe he could come up with a few ideas of how to help grandma too - you are probably worried about it being a burden, and feel you should somehow be able to do it all yourself, but it could make him feel really good and not so left-out. It really is awful to feel so torn, to realize there is not enough of you to go around for two different legitimate needs in your life, let alone to then try to have a little left for you..we all need a little...been there done that and it *sucks*. I hope there are some creative solutions to be found in your situation!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I'm sorry... but I'm going out on a limb here... I don't fully agree with the general consensus.

Yes, I believe your 12 year old needs you... but I also think your mother needs you as well.

Please find a way to incorporate both of them into your life. You will be much richer for the experience... and so will they!

My grandson (whom I have custody of), is just turning 13 this week. He was my greatest ally in helping with mother during her decline into the horrible world of Alzheimer's. I hated to put him through this. But do you know what happened? I ended up with a young man who learned about compassion, and strength, and love. He learned that its important to take care of our elderly. He learned to not be selfish.

Did he have to make sacrifices? Yes. We all did. But he came away from the experience with SO much more than he went into it with!

I made time to do some things with him so he didn't feel as if he was being shorted (soccer, movies, ball, etc.). My husband did extra things with him. Even though I ended up living in a separate house from my hubby and him for almost 2 years... he spent a LOT of nights crashed on my mom's couch so we could spend quality time together.

If you forsake one for the other... you'll regret it. It may be difficult... but isn't anything worth having worth working for?

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Schedule your time as it suits YOU best. Who's in charge here? Remind everyone that you are doing a difficult job and you need their cooperation and support. Otherwise you create whining spoiled brats to deal with on top of everything else.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
As a single parent living with an elderly relative, its so hard to divide your time between your parent and children. Both get jealous. However what makes me resentful is that eveyone thinks when you are a mother, the more the merrier. Meaning you are already caring for children whats one more person ? But its not that simple. I dont have a life anymore. Dealing with my elderly parent is like having a toddler. If they dont get their "required" attention, there's silent treatment, pouting etc.
Its overwhelming. Whenever I get ready to go out my father starts trying to get attention. When he sees he is being annoying he goes out of his way to get on your nerves even more...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Hire someone qualified to stay with your mother while you spend time with your son. If you cannot afford it, can a family member be entrusted? It is so important to spend some quality time with your child alone. In your child's world you are a mother first and a daughter second. I hope you can manage to work out your dilemma.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I come at this from a different direction. I am 60 with a 96 year old mom, but she moved back home to take care of her mom with cancer when I was 5. It was supposed to last 6 months, it lasted 13 years. I have fought feelings of worthless ness the rest of my life. It caused me some permanent problems and damaged my feelings for my mother. Do not abandon the child for the adult. You are the only Mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Your job in life is not to make anyone else happy. No-one can make anyone else happy.

I have to wonder if each is feeling pushed-out by the other. If you're trying to manage this, you're just going to have to do your best. Maybe you tell each that there are certain activities that they both get your individual time on. And, maybe you enforce a family outing once every week or two that brings the three of you together.

Of course, within that, don't forget to schedule time for yourself. It seems hard when you're stretched so many ways but it can help give you the break you need from being part of what sounds like a little tug of war.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
What we have been given is time & us. That is it.
Go moment to moment. We remember the moments...
Remaining ever present....It is the only way to live in the moment-it is all we have. What a wonderful gift-we just forget, only to remember....IT IS THE GIFT OF LIFE.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Your child is your responsibility first. Your mother raised you and when you have children you focus your energy first on the family you make with the person you marry, then help care for you parents. You can hire someone to help with your mom, but these are formative years for your child that you cannot get back. A friend of mine brought her mother, who had terminal cancer, into her home to care for her while at the same time she had a ten year old son at home. She and her husband moved out of their first floor bedroom with adjacent bathroom to her college aged daughter's vacated room upstairs. Her mother's hospital bed was installed and her bedroom furniture was put into storage. Her mother was given an approximate 6 month prognosis - which, with her excellent care, extended beyond two years - IN THEIR HOME. Both her husband and her son loved 'grandma' but as grandma got sicker and older she also became at times nastier, moodier and demanded more physical care. It was gradual but she was sucking the life out of this family, marriage and home life as she also was dying. About 20 months in to it, the boy went on an acting out rampage with my son who happened to be visiting and who told he that he initiated supergluing the coffee maker to the counter top and then proceeded to instigate getting butcher knives out and flattening an elderly neighbor's four car tires. The neighbor caught them in the act - my son was NOT participating but watching in horror! My friend (who had invited my son over that day) at first claimed her kid wouldn't do a thing like that and tried to say my son started it. I remained calm but suggested that perhaps the care being directed toward her mother was perhaps causing this child to feel somewhat neglected and he was acting out in the only way a ten year old knew how. She took him for counseling and that is exactly what came out. The therapist was very empathetic of my friend's compassion and care for her mother, but pointed out that it was at the expense of her marriage and her parenting. Finally she called in hospice, recruited friends and family and we all helped until her mother finally passed away. Afterwards she said 'had she known' how it was going to go she never would have had her mother in her home. You can be there for your mom but your main responsibility is to the family you and your husband created.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Son needs you, yes, he is tommorow's generation, BUT this does not mean mom's wishes, needs should always be tossed aside in light of kid's needs. They are both precious and important, but I would say a blend of 2/3 to child 1/3 to mom's needs is good. That way she does not feel totally upstaged. I have seen many times where parent or child felt sort of abandoned. Older child was not really taught to interact with elder, either except when money was involved. Maybe having more interactive activities would be good, also. It is a hard road for caregiver. I there, too, and really want to spend time with my grandkids, but have my elderly mom living with us, also, who is very needy socially and loves people, but I can't always do everything she wishes. I just try to make everyone happy.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Son needs your time to guide and form him but he also needs to learn that he's not the center of the universe. He does need to learn that giving to others is important, including elderly family members.

I wonder if there's some time he could give to her that's special. Is there something she needs, some specific attention, that could be something that he and she only do, together? If you could find something like that, that he and she are comfortable with, that gives you more time to do other things, teaches him some generational lessons, and gives her special time with her grandchild.

Start with him and ask him if he's willing to help you a little and if he could suggest something. Because, if he does it willingly and with a little joy, it's the only way he and she will learn from it and enjoy it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter