How have you handled isolation of an elderly parent by a sibling?

Many states do have laws against denying access to an elderly, dying parent.

Check out the website kasemcares.org - they also have a Facebook page.

I’m not connected with this organization in any way - just stumbled across it and found it to be impressive in the work that they do.

Best of luck to you - sorry you’re having to deal with this heart wrenching issue.

Kasemcares I didn’t know about this org. Hopefully they can help with your parent. Otherwise I would report this to the local police department. At least it seems they could investigate and demand that the ALF release where your parent was moved and why. Was it financial and the funds were running out. If so can you take care of them? Stay strong and I hope you get answers soon. The agony of waiting and not knowing is so stressful. (((hugs)))

I remember the Casey Kasum case. I t was very sad. HIs wife arranged it so his own children could not see him and then had him buried in Norway, really crazy. cnn.com/2014/05/13/showbiz/casey-kasem-conservatorship/index.html

Yes, so sad.

Nobody has the right to deny a parent access to his/her children, is the point. Or to keep them in isolation against their best interests. What have APS had to say?

Was the facility aware that the person was taken from their place of residence?
In many cases this could be considered "Kidnapping"
If the person that took them out of the facility was not on a list of people that your parent could leave with that is also a violation.

A very similar situation is happening in my family and the psychological abuse that happens to the elder is tremendous in these cases of isolation. Soon your elder will be verbalizing the hate and lies that your sibling is telling your loved one. I have seen it first hand and it is deplorable. There is such a lack of understanding about the nuances of dementia and for those people who can help untangle the situation, do nothing and say things like "well, that is what your parent wants" not realizing that the parent/elder with dementia has long lost his/her critical thinking abilities and will repeat things that are not true in order to do what the perpetrator wants. Read about the Stockholm syndrome and it helps to understand why/how the elder will say things completely out of character and actually start to protect the perpetrator. In our case we went thought all the recommended steps to stop the abuse and it did not help! We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars! Yes, you read that right! A ton of money to stop the abuse and get the truth heard. The court system is painfully slow and in the meantime the elder stays in the abusive/isolated situation. In the end, the Judge said, I know your mom is under undue influence by your brothers but it would be worse to change her environment because she is used to it! In other words, she is used to the abuse so why bother at this point! Whatever you do, DO NOT get the courts involved because it will be the beginning of a stressful and expensive (both financially and emotionally) nightmare. APS is overburdened, understaffed, under trained and they rarely recognize abuse other than the obvious black eye or a lack of food in the refrigerator. Be prepared that your sibling will try and change legal documents to favor him/herself because that is what these types of cruel people do and justify it by thinking they are entitled to the estate. You sibling has isolated your loved for a reason and it is NOT for love and affection. Elder exploitation is a huge problem and sadly not unique to your family. We all need to write our congressmen and change laws so that all forms of elder abuse are recognized and appropriately punished. My heart breaks for you. I have been there. I wish you well.

Recently my sister changed my parents phone number to an unlisted number so I won’t have any contact with them. I live in a different city. I’m so heartbroken my sister won’t give me the new number. Saying it’s my parents wish. I don’t know what to do.

Aging concerns, I can give you my view point as a daughter who was accused of "hiding our 91 yo mother. I would say to you, please contact the local sheriff, police or fire department and have someone from the above agency do a well person check! I am one of six children five boys and me (the only girl). I gave up my home of 20 years and my career to relocate to G-d awful Florida and take care of my then 87yo mom and my brother with an intellectually disability. One of the reason I became evolved I received a call from one of my brothers now ex-wife who shared with me that my sorry family was not taking care of our mother. My mother's stupid doctor (PCP) and my lazy brothers thought it was a great idea that my brother with the intellectually disability be the sole caretaker of my mother after she had a stroke and a heart attack. The law in Florida states you cannot leave two variable adults to care for one another.

So, when I step in to make things better for my mother and my brother with the intellectually disability, I became the G-d awful sister. However, for the record not one of her sons, nor her son's children (grandchildren), great grandchildren would step up to the plate to help! Needless, to say, I would love to place my mother in a home but because of her poor financial planning that is not an option unless she became destitute, which is not going to happen. She is short 600 a month for a good nursing home starting at the cheap end for $3,000.00 a month. Nevertheless, ("the boys") blame me for the bad blood because I demanded their time and attention to their mother however, none of them are willing to commit! Nevertheless, April of 2017 was the last straw! I need to go shopping for an outfit for my very smart Ivy league educated daughter's graduation May 2017. I couldn't show up to her graduation looking like destitute, so I asked one of my brothers who just happen to stop by on March 5 2017 would he sit with her until I returned. My mother's son did not ask me how long and I didn't volunteer because I didn't know how long. For the record I was gone five hours he said fine. Please note I work 24 hours day/7 days a week taking care of our mother with no outside help who is bedridden because she fell and hurt her knee in the nursing home. Thus, she is unable to put any weight on her knee.  The following month April 2017 Adult Protective Service shows up at our house, the house I share with my mother (my childhood home, which was falling apart, and about $12,000.00 later of my money and my mother's money together the house is livable.) to inform me that I have been accused of abandonment. The report stated I left my mother with a house guest for hours on March 5, 2017. For the record the house guest was one of her sorry sons the same one who told me it was fine I go shopping. Needless to say, the charges were dismissed. So, after that episode of the "Shenanigans" I told and warned my mother's other children if they wanted to see their mother "they" can come with a C.N.A to help them look after their mother while I take a well needed break. Well, it's going on a year and I haven't seen any of my mother's son. Not even on her birthday, Christmas New Year's, or Mother's Day.

So AgingConcerns no one should stop you from seeing your family. NO ONE! Do what you have to do and need to do to see you mom. All is fair in love and war! If you don't know where they are living call one of those out of state family members and get them to talk and tell you where your family is located and if they don't talk have the local police stop bye and get the information and share that info with you. People can put a stop to crazy you just have to be willing to fight back and put your time and money where your mouth is because nothing in life now-a-days is easy……Nothing! Btw, when a person in authority treats you without dignity and respect and harms you (even emotional harm), they leave the person who has been harmed no choice but to take some kind of action to right a wrong. 

Very sad to be treated with such disrespect. You have a good heart . Shameful behaviour from the family.

Agingconcerns: So sorry. Who exactly are you caring for? Call APS.

I can EMPATHIZE. My sister has pulled the wool over all eyes needed to convince she's 24/7 caregiver for Mom.

There are Laws. Call Adult Protective Services for your County or County that the relative resided.

APS will contact the ALF for records. They will contact the police and this relative can be charged with kidnapping UNLESS the relative had the legal right to remove, but relative will have to prove it and APS will investigate for abuse whether physical or financial.

I'm going through a very similar situation right now with my family.

A similar thing happened to me. My father who was quite capable of living on his own lived in a small country town, in a house that I bought for him. I paid all of his bills so all he had to do was buy any food he needed other than the meals we had delivered to him daily. I rang him every night at 6pm and visited every weekend. Then along comes my sister, who moved him out of the home and took him to her house in a different state without telling a soul.
When I rang my dad at 6, there was no answer... so I waited for another 1/2 hour, not wanting to panic... when there still was no answer, I rang the police station that was directly across the road from the house. I knew the seargent and he said "didnt you know? your sister moved him out of there today and took him home"
I was horrified, as were my brothers and sisters. The long story made short, I was never able to speak to my father again, she would never hand the phone to him. She was more interested in finding out what property he had, "so she could sort through his assetts for the pension" She was bitterly disappointed to find he owned nothing. He passed away about 3 weeks later ... 2 days after she placed him in a nursing home.
She didnt even tell us that he passed until 3 days after he passed, and then told us the funeral would be the next day... 2 days before Christmas. We couldnt get plane tickets to get to the funeral and asked her to put it off until after Christmas, but she wouldnt.

When Dads will was read, even though he didnt have much, it was all left to her... I think it was her intention all along to get him up there to get him to change his will in her favour, and when she found out he had nothing, she put him in the home.

The whole family was so torn apart by this. absolutely heartbroken that he died alone, when so many loved him and would have been there if they had known.

I wish you luck.