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I care for all my Mothers needs including showering, fixing all meals, medical appointments, medicine, financial needs. I am an only child and all her assets go to if she passes away. I live in MA and my mother only income is Social Security with some modest investments and savings.

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Here how I determined how much Mom would pay:

She buys all of her own medicine, incontinence products and most of her daytime food (she eats dinner with us). Mom also pays for gas for her van.
She pays M-F 8-4 caregivers out of her money.

We had to move to a bigger house to accommodate her and the difference in the mortgage was approx. $800 a month. We have her pay us $800 a month. The value of her apartment (attached to our house), should we rent it out, is close to that.

In hindsight, we should have asked for more money up front but we didn't anticipate the wear and tear on our family. When we brought her onboard, she was much more independent and now, she needs almost constant care and attention.

She pays us approx. 10% of her monthly income.
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Chris3265 Good answer!
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I read through all of these responses and was hesitant on responding myself but chose to put this out there. No child ever "wants" to charge their parent to care for them and of course we didn't pay for baby food or diapers when we were infants. The difference in those two scenarios is that when someone has a child they are choosing to add to their family and know the expenses that are associated with that decision. In my case,I had to stop working to care for my mother when I moved her into my home , thus I no longer pay in to social security for my retirement and no longer receive vacation days or holidays off. Caring for a parent is 24/7 just like caring for a child. The difference there is that you can call the neighborhood teen to babysit your child or swap with another parent you can't do that with a 93 year old who is bedridden and can't go to the bathroom by themselves. For someone to give up their life and care for a parent at home to avoid placing them in a nursing home is the ultimate sacrifice and personally I believe should be compensated. The bad news is that as we age and can no longer care for ourselves someone will have to do it for us and unfortunately that will not come free. If you don't financially pay for the care the mental and physical strain will be used as payment instead
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It would be interesting to see if one could buy a bale of Depends, fill up the gas tank for a 50 mile round trip 3 days a week, or pay a caregiver from an agency for $25 an hour - all with great "big smiles" and "maybe a hug". Someone try that out and get back to us, lol. I skimmed a little off mom's checking account for gas and an occasional fast food meal because the money was going FAST (until I got mom on Medicaid and into a nursing home). I don't know anyone who got anything like a salary for their caregiving labors. Remember, Medicaid has an eagle eye out for any large expenses in the 5 years of cancelled checks they look at.
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I would never charge my mother to caregive her, to me, this is what families are for. But, if I did charge, it would be nominal, around here, it’s 25.00/hr minimum to caregive, my mother could never afford that. Gabriel Heiser, the professional above says to find local rates, his answer may be legal, but it is not right in my eyes. This is my mother, and to charge full price is a big no no in my book.
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Pamstegma: Very well said! My late mother often said "the golden years were anything but."
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feedup: Indeed it has! Ferris1, big SHOUT OUTS TO YOU!
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"No greater tragedy exists in modern civilization than the aged, worn-out worker who after a life of ceaseless effort and useful productivity must look forward for his declining years to a poorhouse. A modern social consciousness demands a more humane and efficient arrangement."- FDR,1929. "Old age is at once the most certain, and for many people the most tragic of all hazards. There is no tragedy in growing old, but there is tragedy in growing old without means of support"-FDR, 1934. SS was meant for support to keep families together. Allowing grandma to keep the check while you lose the house defeats the whole intention of the program.
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The Ferris1cheering section.has arrived.
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2CaringforMOM1: On this forum, there seems to be a kind of "disconnect," if you will in regard to receiving a "paycheck" for caring for one's aging parents, e. g, did you pay them back for your baby food, infant vehicle seat when they provided for YOUR needs? The answer is "no, of course not." I completely agree with you Ferris1! Kudos to your response!
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Get a contract first. If your mom has assets I'm sure she wants to pay her own way. At 1/3 to 1/2 her monthly income that would be a bargain for her care. As far as being paid with "hugs and kisses", oh please! Get real!

Good luck.
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NativeCo, I'm addressing only this statement. The balance of the post as well as the "discussion" between alleged obligations to parents and payment therefor are individual beliefs, and not something that can be resolved. Every case is different.

"The government should consider supplementing the income of caregivers who need the money to make it possible to care for elders." However, this is an entirely different suggestion.

Who would fund these kinds of "supplements" to caregivers? Payroll tax on workers? Sales tax on goods, luxury items, or "sin" taxes?

A basic issue of increasing benefits, including to a specific population, is how to fund them. The new regime isn't as friendly to families and workers as it will be to businesses. Maybe we caregivers should create one person LLCs or businesses so we can get more benefit from an obviously corporate oriented
taking power in 2017.

I don't challenge the concept of your suggestion, merely the implementation and funding.
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What I did is I figured out the expenses I was paying out of my pocket: scripts, food, clothing, doctor copays, depends, Ensure, wipes, etc. Then I added what the cost of an apartment would be in the area. I don't know how right or wrong that is, but that's what I did. If I didn't do something, I would not have been able to keep her with me because it would have put me in extreme financial despair.
I come from the perspective that of 5 children, I am the only one willing to take care of mom the way she wanted, which was to stay home. She was not able to stay in her home due to the location, but she is in my home. As the caregiver you take a lot of hits: mentally, socially, spiritually, financially, physically, and in personal health. I am also a parent of two daughters. I would expect that if either or both of my children decided to take care of me in the event my health declined to that level, I would expect that whatever financial resources I had would be used on my care first and then for whatever financial needs they needed due to taking on my care. They will end up of with whatever I have anyway. I wouldn't expect them to suffer financially if it wasn't necessary. With that said, I do take rent from my mom with the POA's permission. I can't talk about the legal aspect of that because no doubt I will get caught up in the down side of that, just seems to be the trend. The two older siblings stole what money they thought they deserved over several years by taking advantage of mom's memory loss. The two younger siblings are the joint POA's and make all final decisions anyway. I, the middle child, was written out of the will, why you ask? I have no idea, but don't really care. So bottom line is, I don't believe a parent choosing to have children and then raising them, can be compared to a child taking care of their aging parent(s). Being the only child is to your advantage, because even with siblings, the one that steps up ends up being an only child in the caregiver capacity anyway. If I was able to maintain the job position that I had and the income level I was at when mom moved in, I would not have ask for rent nor did I. But when I lost 52% of my income and I have the needed flexibility to my work schedule, I'm grateful to have a job. But we all have bills to pay. There seems to always be a price the primary caregiver pays. I'm not crying about it because I am grateful to have the opportunity to give back to my mom. I know she would not want that to be at a financial hardship for me. Look in to the legal aspect in the event Medicaid becomes a need. Your own needs and health are extremely important. Without that you cannot provide the best care to your mom. Plus, she wouldn't want you to give up your health on top of everything else you are doing for her. Take care of yourself.
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Oh for pity's sake, ferris1, taking care of your HUSBAND is not remotely the same as taking on the housing, feeding, and care of a parent. Nobody has asked how much they should charge their spouse.
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I agree with nativeco completely. There are numerous families who are caring for their elderly, despite all odds. I care for my 86 year old mother who has dementia. I have no problem with her except when it comes to hygiene and grooming. It is really a struggle every morning, afternoon and evening trying to see that she stays clean and healthy. My sister and I share her care and we both have literally placed our lives on hold. We don't have a life of our own except for the hours we spend at work. Those who get a 'hug' and a 'thank you' from their elderly parents, even parents with dementia are blessed. The stress increases ten fold and the burn-out is faster when an elderly parent curses, spits, hits, throws things at you, screams and cries and every simple thing - when asked to wash hands, brush her hair, change into cleN clothes, wash her face or the most difficult of all is taking a bath. Yes she did care for us. But staying patient and calm when your mom is screaming the roof down and disturbing the neighbors is next to impossible. Any suggestions for me as to how I can convince my mom to do these simple tasks to keep herself clean. She has no other health issues. I salute all those daughters and sons who are giving their time and energy and are patiently taking all the abuse meted out to them by their mentally ill parents. It is tough but we don't have any other option. Usually it is only one or two children who offer to care for their parents. The rest care less. And I appeal to these siblings who have burdened their brothers or sisters to care for their parents, without sharing the responsibility.
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When my mother moved into my sister's home, Sis charged her the same amount she had been paying for subsidized housing. Sis also accepted the caregiving amount the county paid because Mom was on Medicaid. Mom could never have afforded the going rate for Sis's services plus room and board, but she could certainly pay what she was used to paying.

Mom didn't want to leave her apartment. She thought she was fine where she was. One of my other sisters took her aside and "confided" in her that Sis was having some financial problems since she retired and she really needed to rent out her extra rooms. Oh, well, in that case my mother was willing to move to help Sis out!

Old folks deserve the opportunity to pay their own way, to the extent that they are able to. Why should they be deprived of that dignity?
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Ferris1-I don't know what your personal financial situation is, but obviously you are not in touch with the other caregivers whose situation is more difficult. Your answer sounds judgmental to me. What do you mean-there would be millions homeless? If families can't pool their resources to care for their own-there would not be enough facilities to care for all the elderly who need help. The government should consider supplementing the income of caregivers who need the money to make it possible to care for elders. The cost is incredibly cheaper than what any 'in-home' care costs from agencies, any assisted living, especially any memory care facilities. Medicaid costs are astronomical! And Medicare etc. does not help with the most needed 'respite care' for caregivers. Maybe you are one unusually strong human being-but having lived through years of 24/7 caregiving for Alzhiemer's patients-it is one of the most difficult tasks there is and love doesn't keep people from burning out or succumbing to the stress and often dying before their patient. "It takes a village," is what most people need under these circumstances-especially when they have families, children, grandchildren, etc. of their own. It has nothing to do with incorrect "priorities" and my empathy goes out to 2caringformom1.
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When I started full-time care if my mom, I was blessed to be able to go part-time and work mostly from home. I could not sustaining home on that income so my step dad pays me the balance of my salary from mom's as and retirement. He also covers things like ensure, pads, wipes, the hospital bed and other equipment. My mom makes enough to go to a nice nursing home but we all want her at home. I would do it for a smile and hug too (although my mom can no longer do either) but it would be a huge financial hardship to my family. This works for us, I am not "gaining" by caring for mom. I think you do whatever is fair. And ferris, while I know where you are coming from, there is a difference. A child has no income and parents need to decide before having them that they can afford it (at least they should). If we had to survive I only my income, my mom's life would not be as nice as it is....she has everything to make her life comforable....wipe warmer, hospital bed, heated blankets, recliner, alternating pressure pads on bed and recliner, wheelchair, nicest pads "diapers" money can buy, changed often, oral sponges with mint, .....her money should be spent to make her life better. Having me work part time from home and care for her makes her life better. Her investments are not touched, we don't exceed her income. When she dies, her assets will be split among her 3 children. I feel she would be pleased with this if she was able to understand.
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Ferris, that's a lovely sentiment but lets be real, does it make any sense for an elder to accumulate wealth while a family member struggles with the extra costs involved in caring for them? Especially when as Americans your government will claim every last penny of that bankroll if the elder ever needs skilled care?
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You are entitled to charge her for your services, but you need a written contract that spells out your duties. As for payment, check around and see what it would cost her to hire someone in your area to do the same things. As long you do not charge more than that, you are ok with Medicaid.
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An appropriate amount is hugs and kisses, and when she passes you can delight with all that she had. Did she charge YOU for raising YOU? Maybe she didn't do such a good job. If every family member charged for their caregiving services there would be millions homeless. Get your priorities straight. Just my opinion, doing everything for my husband with dementia since he cannot fend for himself. My payment is a smile and sometimes a hug...
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When I was my husbands Guardian I got a court ordered "budget" that I could charge him for certain items.
He paid X amount for garbage, water, phone, cable, newspaper, food, gas, electric, mortgage and all the rest of the household expenses. Any personal items I had to save receipts and when approved I could take that from his account. the approved items I could write a check each month.
I would consult an Elder Care Attorney and set this up correctly.
The lawyer may cost a bit but it will be far less expensive for you to do it right the first time than try to "fix" what you did.
You may have to become her Guardian.
And as a Child you can charge for being her caregiver. As a spouse I could not pay myself for being my husbands caregiver.
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In subsidized housing, she would pay 30% of her income. As for services, you need a written contract to be Medicaid compliant. See an attorney to be sure you are in compliance with the law.
You will need to bring the Rx from the MD for home care, specifying what assistance and how many hours are needed for her.
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