How often do you visit?

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How often do you visit?

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My mother with late stage dementia is in a Memory Care group home since end of January. It’s just a few blocks from my house and I go see her every day, except for one when we had an ice storm…. I’m starting to feel like ugh I don’t want to go every day, even though there’s really no excuse not to. I don’t work and my kids are in school during the day, it’s a 1 minute drive, and every day when I show up she’s so happy to see me like it’s the only thing that matters…. I feel bad even thinking about taking one day a week off…. I’m the only one left from my family of origin and old friends stopped coming to see her long ago. I guess my question is how often do all of you visit your loved one, provided it’s geographically possible? Thx in advance.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Family Caregiver Guilt Memory Care

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I visited my Daddy three times a day when he was 5 minutes from me. Once a day when he was 20 minutes from me. My siblings visited him once a week or once a month. It all depends on what you can handle. I know my youngest sibling could not handle seeing my Daddy that way (with ALZ). My mid-sibling was going through cancer treatments. They all had their own things to deal with. I just made it in my schedule for him but that was my choice. What I am saying its your choice. Sometimes everyday is too much. Make it three times a week. Or when you go make it special - take a treat. Read a book (short story like a magazine article). Maybe take a simple craft to paint. Take those ready to decorate cookies. My prayers for you and yours.

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The fact that she is so happy to see, you would be my motivation to go daily. When that starts to change, and it probably will at some point, that is when I would back off and skip days.

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When mom was in assisted living I visited every day, because like your situation, she was in the neighborhood and loved seeing me, even at the window during covid lockdown. But in memory care they had limited visitation. They evenutually let me into her room for visits and said I could only stay 30 minutes, but wouldn't ask me to leave until 2 hours were up. They could tell my visits helped because I was the only person that she knew. On the days I wasn't there, I called to talk to her. Then in nursing home I again visited her every day. I'm glad I did all that for her, but I know how you feel. It takes a lot of time and planning, so I would say you should do what you think is best. She's being well cared for and taking off one day a week would be good for your own well being.

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When my mom went into the nursing home, I tried to visit every other day, and it still didn't seem to be enough. But after about six months of working full time and racing around for other obligations, it started to take its toll on my health. Now, I physically can't do it, so I see her once a week and talk to her on the phone every other day. She understands and doesn't give me any pushback on it, but I still feel guilty, even though I'm her only visitor out of three children (me and two sisters) and 8 adult grandchildren. It's not an easy decision to make and you have to do what works for you, taking into consideration your family/work responsibilities and your health, because believe me, you will start to feel it physically and mentally.

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When my mom was in care, I went everyday.

When her younger sister entered care, I went every day or every couple days.

Younger sister was more independent (at 90) than my mother was, and visiting was also constrained by the pandemic.

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My mother is 5 minutes away.

I go once a week.

I cannot handle more than that.

She is happy to see me, but she ends up becoming so anxious and upset, that we both end up wanting the visit to end.

I have stood back and observed her happily enjoying a meals. She says that they don’t feed her.

Yesterday, I came in, unplanned. From the other side of the room. I made a video of her participating in chair exercises. Even standing up and dancing, to the cheers of the aides. She swears that the caregivers NEVER do anything with her. That she HATES the exercises. 🤦🏻‍♀️

She does better there without me. I think I remind her of what she has lost.

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My brother & I take turns visiting, averages out to twice a month.

This is my step-mother, she no longer recognizes me and sometime forgets my brothers name she calls him "What's His Name".

There is no point, we cannot hold a conversation with her, she just stares at us. She is acclimated to her surroundings, we just go there to see if everything is ok with her.

We live about 12 miles away.

Honestly, even when she was lucid, I had to carry the conversation and actually had nothing in common with her. I can't imagine what one would have to talk about with each other every day, day in and day out.

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It can be a drag and it's painful, and it's just not something we want to do. I get it, but you don't have to stay long and if it makes her happy, why not? It may be that soon she won't be able to remember if you were there or not, so maybe maximize this time. If/when she forgets as the dementia advances, you may be able to cut back on visits. ALso, if you have something planned for a day and can't make it, let her know and leave a note so that her she and the memory caregivers will not expect you. It's tough. Hugs to you.

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She really doesn’t remember I was there after I leave…

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Once a week unless there was illness or issues for me to deal with.

Why on earth would you put yourself on a guilt trip like this for nothing? And why do you need an "excuse" to take time for yourself??? Mom's not a homeless person living on the street...shes cared for 24/7 at huge costs!

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30 minute drive. I go once a week or every other week. I may skip a week if I know someone else visited her. My mother has occasionally argued that I am not her daughter. About half the time she’s only lukewarm to my presence. She was happy to recently see my cousins although I can’t imagine she knew them if she can’t identify me. I have kids and my mental health has value so that’s as often as I will visit.

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Before you guilt yourself into yet another torturous “Am I There enough?” debate, consider what your loved one gets from it.

As cxmoody witnessed, it’s as if they have to be negative for us.

My mother told me the meals at the home are awful. She just told my cousins how much she likes the food they serve.

We sometimes bring out their worst, their negativity and their need to complain. It’s not good for either of us.

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During my mother’s four years in NH care, my dad visited daily without fail. I went twice a week unless sick or on vacation. My siblings went less often. Lifelong friends of mom’s dwindled quickly to not coming. Other than not coming at all, or so infrequently that the staff becomes aware that this is a resident no one seems to care for (that being either perception or reality) I don’t know that there’s a correct answer. For us, the right answer was going enough that the staff knew that this was a lady who was loved, even in her greatly diminished condition. It undoubtedly had the side effect of the staff caring more. Right or wrong, when others see you care, they tend to care. And yes, I despised every visit, it broke my heart without fail each time, putting on that positive face is so very hard. I wish you peace as you handle this time

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So make your life more simple.
Go on days when you feel like going.
On days when you don't feel like going...don't.
If you want to be practical about it think of it this way:
When you go and feel good about the visit you put out "good vibes" and are at your most cheerful. That makes it more pleasant for you, staff, mom and even other residents. On the other hand if you do not feel good about going you are not going to have that same cheerfulness and it can be not as pleasant for your mom.
If you want to check in on her but do not want to visit with her stop by with some Cookies from a local store (thinking a tray from Sam's or Costco) and drop them off for the staff and just take a peek at mom and see how she is "playing well with others".
You can "visit" but not visit.
Do not 'guilt" yourself into thinking you have to visit daily. If mom were well and living a block a way would you visit with her every day? probably not. So why now?

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I found all these answers very helpful. My dad is 101+ and in assisted living. When I lived just a few minutes from him I went to visit about 3 times a week, having dwindled over the years from every other day. Then we moved - from Virginia to Florida - so obviously I couldn't visit frequently. I've now developed a schedule of flying up every 2 weeks to see him for the afternoon. As long as the airline schedules hold I can do this all in one LONG day. He does know who I am when I'm there but doesn't remember the visit once it's over and can't remember when I'm coming back. So it provides him an afternoon with a visitor (during which he sleeps most of the time) and keeps my guilt at bay. I'm really tired of airports and airplanes and keep thinking that this can't possibly last forever.

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What!!!??? That’s incredible. But I feel for you, that must be so exhausting.

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There isn’t a right or wrong way to feel about this. Go when you want to go. Skip when you need to rest.

You can always call the staff to check on her.

How often did you see her before she was placed? Did you visit with her daily then? Even if you did, you don’t have to follow the same routine. She is being looked after around the clock by a complete staff.

I would go see my godmother in her nursing home. She had Alzheimer’s disease and she didn’t know who I was. It made me terribly sad to see her like that.

I don’t think my visits brought her any joy. She also went blind due to her macular degeneration. She didn’t recognize my voice. I decided to call the staff to check on her from time to time.

I saw a lot of lonely people in her nursing home. Many of them had no visitors ever. Sometimes, I would spend a few minutes chatting with them before I left. It is sad when people are totally forgotten about.

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I agree with Need. There's no right or wrong with this.
You are very happy visiting and it is no problem to you.
Your Mom is thrilled with your visits.
As long as this is working for both of you I wouldn't see why it should change.

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