I am caregiver to my disabled mother and am having a big problem with the home care workers attitude and work ethic.
They don’t care, really I don’t think they are even really paying attention.
However, they think they are AMAZING caregivers.
I feel I am at their mercy because I need someone to be with mom because I can’t be there all the time.
They call out last minute. For example, my mom has a terrible abscess/infection on her gums and is in pain, can barely eat. Caregiver is supposed to take her to oral surgeon consult tomorrow. She just called out because she said her cousin died in a drunk driver car crash. Ok. Last Tuesday she called out because she was in a car accident. In the same message she said she has to take off Thursday as well because her mom has an eye doctor appointment. What?
Also, when she was here today she didn’t take the trash out or fill mom’s water etc. They just breeze in and out at their leisure.
I am trying to be calm and patient, but I feel like I am being taken for a ride with these people. The other caregiver who was told in the interview that driving to doctor appointments /errand was a big part of the job and assured me it would be no problem at all. Now complains constantly to my mom whenever she needs to go somewhere, but she doesn’t directly say no. She’ll say, ‘oh how far away is it, oh that’s so far, are you sure you really need to go there today? Maybe the other caregiver can take you, gas is so expensive’ and it goes on and on with these kind of complaints about the wheelchair hurts her arms/back etc etc.
This isn’t just a few bad apples either, I have noticed this for years now where I am really starting to believe these caregivers only want to sit on the sofa/text and watch TV all day.
They will say anything in the interview and it means absolutely nothing. Last week when I reminded her that she agreed that driving wouldn’t be an issue in the interview and that she said she liked going out and didn’t want to be cooped up in the house etc she looked so surprised I remembered that. Also, she gets mileage reimbursement and paid holidays/sick days as well as extra hours. I told her I try my best to compensate her for the work etc.
Doesn’t even day thank-you, ever.
I am trying to finish my degree and was really counting on these two for this semester. They committed several times in June, July and August that they would be here for the fall semester(aug 25-dec 14)
Now they are both quitting?! I have my own perspective is that neither of them actually need to work. Their husbands or parents are fully taking care of them so being a caregiver is like an extra cash for them and they treat it like a retail job at the mall. Have absolutely no idea how much their behavior/games puts our household in chaos. I am tired of this and I’m tired of people telling me to keep looking until I find the ‘one’. Like their is some magical unicorn caregiver out there who is going take the job seriously. For awhile I thought it was me and blamed myself that maybe I said something/did something that turned them off etc. but no they are really happy as long as you don’t ask them to actually do anything or bring attention to something that want done. For example, I came home one day last week and all mom had eaten was a yogurt. I asked her if the caregiver tried to give her lunch/meals and she said no, but the caregiver brought her own lunch from home and fed herself.
We used to use an agency and the first day one girl came I asked her why she wanted to be a caregiver, she said ‘because it’s easy’
There is so much more, I’m sorry this became a vent/rant. I’m sorry for the bad grammar too.
I am just so discouraged and sad that I have yet again start the hire/interview process when I have zero confidence that I can rely on anyone. How do you cope with not being able to rely on the people your paying to help you?!
Unbelievable, that you are dealing with this, ON TOP OF, caring for your mother!
Yes, go through an agency. SO many out there. I happen to work for a company called "Home Care Assistance". They have many locations. Hopefully, one in your area. I've been with them for almost 5 years now & they are a great company. They will have your back, on matching you with a caregiver, that not only should be reliable but caring! Putting the "care" back into "caregiver"
https://homecareassistance.com/
Please keep us posted, on this. I am so sorry, you have to put up with this.
1 - Get your caregivers through an agency. Yes, they cost a little more, but they are vetted through the agency before you interview them. Also, the agency can make sure to "cover" their absences and address any problems you have.
2 - Make sure you have your agreement with them in writing: mom's usual schedule, travel requirements, housekeeping... When they do agree to work for you, both of you need to sign the agreement.
3 - Make surprise visits home - do not give advance notice that you will be coming. This way you can make sure that they are doing the job you are paying them for. Let them know you may arrive unannounced before you hire them and explain "this should not be a problem for them since you know they will be doing the job they were hired for".
4 - Any complaints they have should be addressed to you or to the agency they work for - never your mom. Sounds like addressing your mom about issues is a big deal to you. Maybe you can talk to their agency that this might be considered a reason for dismissal.
My MIL has dementia and her caregivers were vetted through a home health agency. Her daytime aide was a gem and the other 2 were reliable. She now has a live in caregiver and that arrangement is working. I write this so you can know that there are good stories too.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Be happy they are gone.
Contact your local Aging Agency and see if they can assist with some of her care needs through one of their programs. Her cost for care through them would be based on her income. Is there a local day program she can attend? It would get her out and get some socialization and give you a good block of time that you do not need a caregiver. You may also be able to schedule transportation for her through the local Council on Aging. They may also offer Caregiver Support so that you can have someone to talk to and they can offer resources to help you deal with caring for Mom.
Try advertising. You can compose your own needs in the ad copy. this should discourage undesirables. I do believe this is a national crisis that our government does not care about. Have you ever heard of any political candidate speak about elder care needs? There are thousands of us just like you suffering through "caregiver hell." As in hiring nannies for kids from Europe, I believe we should be able to hire caregivers from Europe or other countries, but that's another story.
Have you made a list of your and you mom's needs? This is valuable in eliminating undesirables., and have a prospective caregiver read and sign it like a job application/contract. This shows that you are very serious and also shows a prospective hire, you consider their work as important with integrity.
I have been through several caregivers. It is so discouraging to review the respondents. My suggestion is to stay away from young ones. address in your ad that they must speak good clear English. Try to think of anything you can offer in addition to pay, like a room, meals, a quarterly bonus, anything you can think of.
I feel your pain, and hope some of your answers give me some ideas as well.
In addition, if she is hiring privately, and CHOOSES to let them go home with pay, that is HER choice. When I was working a regular job, there were times we were "allowed" to go home with pay (bad snowstorm, extended power outage, etc.) The employer can choose to be magnanimous without it being fraud, especially when no government or other agency is involved in the process.
Personally I would appreciate OP as an employer and would go the extra mile. The problem is that many people just don't have a good work ethic, whether you set precedence or not.
Find people that DESPERATELY need to work. Then make sure you pay them more than they’d make anywhere else. The ladies that took care of my mom were not CNA’s, but almost all had experience taking care of sick/handicapped/dying family members. They were paid more than if working in a nursing home, and we let them decide among themselves their schedule. They liked that flexibility. If one calls out at the last minute, offer another worker a “bonus” if she can come in on her off day.
I think a little of my frustration comes from the fact that they are paid above what normal agency’s pay, plus I do give paid sick days/vacation days which agency’s don’t do. Often have let them leave early, but paid them for whole shift. Always remember their birthday and if I’m at the market and see a sale on some snack they like I always bring something for them.
Recently I spoke to a friend who works at an opticians office and she gets paid less than moms caregivers and doesn’t even get paid days off. So I feel I really am trying to go above and beyond to show how much I value their help and they don’t even really acknowledge it all.
What is her financial situation? If her insurance pays for the caregivers, will this insurance also pay for a facility?
Do you have any siblings?
Mom is 66, 67 this year.
Yes, in the past the plan was that she would always live with me. I would get a house or duplex and she would have like a bedroom on first floor, so all on one level for her and I would have a private upstairs space kind of arrangement.
Part of going back to school/hiring caregivers was to give me space to get into a higher earning bracket to make this happen. So I would have a future and could help her. Over the past 2 years so much negativity has happened that I’ve been thinking this won’t be possible anymore.
Our household financial situation is not good. We have to pool resources in order to make it, so I can’t just leave and if she leaves before I am able to get a good job then I will not be able to afford to live on my own with student loan payments etc.
There is a lot more to our financial situation, but that is the brief version.
I am an only child.
Yes the insurance will will pay for a facility. Mom will absolutely not go and legally there is nothing I can do about it. Honestly, the Medicaid facilities are the only places her insurance will cover. She will have to share a room. I have seen and heard stories about these places in my area and they seem to do way more harm than good.
I have really been thinking if I or mom did something to put them off, but really I think it was the job itself. Everyone was happy bumming around the summer. Over the summer things were more flexible, but once the school year started timing was more important and they didn’t want to be held accountable for anything.