How to deal with difficult mother???

You have a tough road to hoe. First of all, I would exhaust all medical solutions. Do you have a Power of Attorney, and if not, get one at once. Sounds to me like she has or is getting dementia and if so, god have mercy on you. I would lay down the law to her in very stern terms - she must, must cooperate and you will set the rules and boundaries and if she violates them in any way and does not work with you, then you will place her into a facility. Sometimes that will frighten and shock them enough to get them to stop their behaviors. But YOU must take control and stop her at once when she gets out of hand - let her know it will not be tolerated. Also, when she does not cooperate, I'd tell her off and what is happening and why, and I would walk away and ignore her. She may soon learn the consequences. I have no pity for people like that.

Yep
the next stages/ Or perhaps it is just during this recent event. You and your husband will need to decide how much of this you can take. Things WON'T get better if she is on the downhill run. Make sure you have plans in place to move her to a facility so when it gets unbearable your not in a panic

Arthritis pain can cause all these issues. My advice for myself was to go on a Gluten Free diet which makes a big difference in arthritis flare ups. When you are pain free, your attitude towards life changes dramatically.

I know.

She sounds depressed and frustrated, and you're at the end of your rope trying to help her. What if you stopped trying to help in the same ways? Stopped pushing? And tried sympathy instead. Just a simple, "that sound very frustrating" or "I bet it hurts." Set a timer or alarm for her daily exercises, and if she chooses not to do them, that's on her.

Someone down thread suggested saying, "Well if you don't do your exercises, you'll havevto deal with the pain." A reminder that she does have a choice in the matter.

It sounds like the cycle of you pushing and her not doing what you say, which causes you to push more, and her to resist...isn't working and is driving you both nuts. If you stop being so invested in something she isn't willing to follow through on, you both might be happier, and her medical outcome will likely be the same. You might even enjoy each other again.

Can you ask her MD to up her anxiety meds - or provide?
Remember, you are the only person who can change - she either can't or won't. Being 'mad' and the other feelings you've expressed you feel will be the hammer on your nail (head, psyche, life). You need to shift somehow - be it meditation, exercise, leaving, her leaving, seeing a lawyer and/or therapist. You need to figure out how to take care of you. We're rooting for you. Gena.

again,

Your frustration is completely warranted!!

If a rehab facility is not an option, I would suggest start by setting one boundary. When you've mastered that one, add another etc... You need to be able to take back control of your life!

I'm not suggesting that your Mom is a narcissist, however, some of the coping techniques that are used for dealing with NPD might come in handy! YouTube is a wonderful resource.

There's are also good articles on this site!

Best wishes!!!

Send her to a Rehab facility for a month

Imho, perhaps it is time for facility living for her. Also tell the PT that she is not doing the therapy. Prayers sent.

My Mom constantly complains and gripes, but when I give her solutions she doesn't listen. She's constantly complaining about her "blockage" but she won't eat any fiber (bread) or drink water. She is 99.

when the therapy person comes to the house, tell him the truth that she is NOT doing the exercises when he is gone or during the days when he is not there.  When I took my mom for therapy due to osteoporosis in hip/groin pain, she did good, and did them on the days off but as soon as she was done with therapy she quit doing them at home......so guess what, the pain has come back so now she sits with heating pad on.  I told her the exercises are to keep her loose and not stiff since she does a lot of sitting (she is 93).  she has arthritis in knees too, I tell her to drink plenty of water and get up and move around, even though it might hurt, the blood circulation will move around in her joints, etc.  doesn't work on my end either with telling her what to do.  If your mother is getting plenty of fiber in the food you are giving her that should be good, but maybe offer some fruits that are higher in water IF she doesn't want to drink a lot.  I am lucky if my mom drinks 2 glasses of water a day  (of course she says, I drink 2 cups of coffee -which has caffeine and dehydrates people, and a cup of OJ).  still not enough I say but what can you do......maybe just tell your mom "well if you don't want to do what you are supposed to be doing, then I guess you will deal with the pain"  my mother is diabetic so she takes pills too and she gets tired of it and says "one day I am going to stop taking everything"........I say.......fine, when you do and something happens, I guess the NH will be the next stop.  Pain does cause problems and its a shame that our parents won't do just simple things to help alleviate the pain (exercises) but I guess when we all get older we won't want to either, but 77 is NOT that old.  wishing you luck.

I have not read all the replies but maybe your mom would be better off in a facility with other seniors (once the covid passes). Then it would be other people she would have to answer to and you can keep your relationship intact with her.
If she has cognitive issues already then moving sooner than later to avoid resistence?
Caregiving is not for the faint of heart. Some decisions have to be made with our heads and not our heart.

You have my sympathy! It can be so maddening. Complaints, make suggestions, get them immediately dismissed! I see that we have those who criticize us for deciding placement is best - do try to ignore those comments! IF we can avoid it, great. If not, sometimes it becomes a necessity, despite what THEY think.

Our mother was still physically okay, but dementia came along and it reached a point that it wasn't safe for her to remain in her own place. We TRIED bringing in aides, initially just 1 hr/day, to get her used to it, check on her and check to see she took her meds from the dispenser I set up for her. The plan was to increase the time and days of help, but less than 2 months later she refused to let them in. She also refused to consider moving ANYWHERE, esp not AL, when that was in her plans before dementia.

We went ahead with plan B, finding a safe place for her. Neither brother would have been an appropriate choice for caring for her (OB has major ISSUES! YB isn't always up to snuff) and I could not do it physically. Days before the planned move, she injured her leg and did NOT have enough sense to tell one of us or seek medical attention. She did tell the neighbor she bruised her leg, and that was reported to me. Turns out it was cellulitis, a serious infection that could have killed her! If we weren't moving her at that time, the next visit I could make might have been too late.

I live far enough away that I couldn't check on her personally, only by phone, but hearing issues and dementia would get in the way of that too. She would forget to change the battery in the hearing aid, or misplace it altogether, rendering her deaf, turned off the ringer on the phone, misplaced the portable phone, etc.

So, work around her as best you can. Suggest tasks and activities, but if she refuses, so be it. If she starts some tirade rant, walk away. If necessary, go outside and walk it off! She can rant all she wants, but you do not have to listen. If she complains about something, you can offer suggestions, but that will only work if SHE will take it on. If you can't walk away, ear plugs? Head phones?

As others suggested, try not doing everything for her - leave her to do things that she should be able to do. She wants a drink, she should be walking to get it. Not walking will only make the ability to walk worse. That's one reason my mother is now in a wheelchair - use it or lose it.

Some of her issues may be early dementia OR could be a result of the surgery/anesthesia. This can bring on dementia-like behavior, but most of the time this diminishes. Sometimes it doesn't go back to pre-surgery normal, but do keep an eye on her behavior. Learn some of the potential early symptoms.

At least you aren't alone! Doesn't make it any less palatable, but sometimes just knowing your aren't alone can lessen the idea that YOU are the crazy one!

Your mom sounds like the typical older surgical post operation patient. Though you're having a miserable time, her complaints and crabbiness fall within the boundaries of normal. The absolute, best scenario is a caretaker who is trained, experienced and paid. It's the work of the patient that determines the recovery outcome and it's the efforts of the caregiver that determine the work of the patient. It's a skill, a trained skill. In some cases the 'best scenario' results fall short. With little or no qualifications and then throw in a family member as the care giver, it's usually a hot mess. You're doing a job that requires credentials and should be compensated. Your mom is being a difficult post op patient and should be paying for her care. It's not a mystery why it's a bumpy ride.
So learn some skills very quickly. Skills provide you with objectivity. More skills, more objectivity. Through objectivity you can become a more efficient caretaker.
Or hire a professional staff....on your mom's dime of course.

Maybe your Mom is depressed. Antidepressants may be a realistic choice to discuss with your Mom. I doubt she would do cognitive therapy with a professional.

'She does as little as possible and expects her pain to get better and her situation to improve'...
Also tells me things like "I don't want to take more pills or go to more appointments" when I suggest fixing some of her other problems. It's just such a short-sighted negative attitude. WHY?? I ask her why wouldn't you want to take one more pill or go to a few appointments to be rid of problem X? Maddening.

I so identify! My mum is 86 and very similar. I got a physio in to help her with chronic shoulder pain before coronavirus and Mum said she bored her and she had no intention of doing any of the (very simple) exercises the lady suggested. She also refused to pay for the visit.

She does no exercise at all (says she has vertigo and is too dizzy) and also now refuses to see doctors and says she will never go to hospital again, despite having her life saved twice when she had blood clots (from inactivity?). I don't know what we would do if she had to go again - get the medics to compel her, I suppose!

My nearly two-year-old granddaughter is easier to deal with than my mother...

Believe it or not, ice packs to that knee 2-3 x's a day would do wonders! Decreased swelling of the surrounding tissue gives the joint better/easier mobility. More mobility gets that joint back in shape and lessens the pain. Timing of the pain meds helps. Take the Tylenol and Oxy at separate intervals.

As for the language, tell her you won't stand for the hatefulness anymore. Find better words or say nothing.

Maybe it is a generational thing? My Mom is 95 and I get much the same reaction, very frustrating! Now I have quit nagging and focus on reminders; excercise, drink water, just move! And consequences, cost of nursing home, not meeting goal of dying at home, can’t visit in nursing home or hospital, etc. we aren’t butting heads and I may not be totally happy, but she does think it over and a few days later excercise is her brilliant idea!

I feel for you and hope you find the support you need here to continue the challenge of caring for your mother. Nothing against you, but it really bugs me when other members of this forum say they would NEVER let their miserable parent burden them and they should be dumped in a facility. Does it occur to them that these are OLD PEOPLE with declining mental function, physical health, chronic pain, dementia, loneliness, depression etc? If you think elderly people should be taken to the pound when they become “too difficult” then why are you on this forum? This is a support system for CAREGIVERS... not a place to reaffirm your beliefs and convince everyone else that none of us owe our “difficult parents” anything. Please think about how YOU want to be treated by your kids when YOU become that high maintenance elderly person... because we are all headed in that direction.

It is too late to get her into rehab? They will make her do her PT every day and sometimes several times a day. The nursing staff would manage her medications and be on top of her pain medication and other medication. Staff can be more objective since they get breaks from their difficult clients when they go home to their own families/lives.

If she can not get into rehab, you are going to have to create rehab at home. It will require steeling your will against her complaints and creating routines that move your mother into better health.

Medications/Pain: You will have to be the nurse. Keep a record of all her medications and when she receives them. Check them off on a chart or write in a journal when she receives them and their effectiveness. Start by giving her Tylenol or other NSAIDs, that the doctor prescribes, on a schedule. Consider her Oxy is for breakthrough pain. Talk with her doctor about when you can resume her usual RA medications. Consider heating pad and/or cool packs to also help with pain.

Diet: Fluids and fiber and nutrition will be a "thing" to manage as well. 3 meals with protein and lots of fiber, watery produce, soups, jello, etc. can help meet the need for fluids and fiber. A daily vitamin can help make sure she gets those micronutrients for healing.

Exercise: This will also need to be scheduled for at least twice a day - without any excuses. Movement will help move the fluids from her knee area back into circulation. Start with heating pad placed on knee for 20 minutes to "warm up" the muscles. Follow with a gentle massage to move fluids from the knee towards the heart. Then, it is time to do all the exercises that home PT has her do. Offer a cool pack (I like a damp washcloth in a plastic bag that is kept in the freezer). Offer an Oxy 30 minutes before doing PT.

I know it is a lot of work. I had to do similar regimens when I had surgery on both my hands for arthritis (one at a time). I also had to do similar routines when I helped friends and family members recovering from surgeries at home - as an RN. It will work but you need to be firm.

Are you spying on us? LOL..no in all seriousness though, I feel your pain.

My FIL is on the yo-yo plan in and out of rehab or surgery to correct this problem or that. Somewhat compliant with home health PT and OT to put on a good act. Absolutely refuses to do anything when they aren't around. Blatantly lies to them that he does his exercises religiously. Apparently it escapes him that they can actually TELL if he is doing the exercises on his own time simply by his lack of progress.
In years past, he would at least be discharged from rehab as having met the requirements and improved. This last time he was discharged as needing skilled nursing assistance. SIL and BIL live with him and she (his daughter) is his full time caregiver. We maintain that his motto is "no pain...no pain!". He will absolutely not do anything that causes him any discomfort whatsoever. As a result he is losing his mobility much more quickly now.
However he is still cognitively sound - so I can literally feel the tantrum toddler/teenager angst. We are there too. We are holding him hostage because of COVID he says, he just wants to go out and see his friends he whines. His friends aren't going out either, so we have been able to deter from that. But he literally can not go out on his own even without COVID.  He is not physically mobile enough now to go out without at least 2 of us going along. In his mind he is still exactly as mobile as he was when he was getting in the car and going out on his own a few years ago, and it escapes him that he has literally lay in bed or sat at home for those years and done nothing and that it takes an act of God just to get him into the car with 2 people helping.

I think part of the toddler/teenager aspect comes from dealing with your own mortality and not wanting to admit that you need help and that healing takes more work than it used to. I can tell he is very frustrated because the situation has flipped on him and now we get to 'give permission' (by default since he needs someone to take him out now) vs. him telling everyone what to do. He is unfortunately a bonified narcissist and having almost no control is bringing out the very worst in him. We try our best (DH and myself) to be involved as much as we can since we don't live with them. I end up in argument after argument with him over the phone or in person trying to get him to comply with even the most base request. I think he's rebelling, much like a teenager, because boundaries and rules have been put in place that he doesn't like.

Unfortunately sometimes the only thing you can do - especially if they are considered cognitively sound - is let them make their own choices and let them deal with the consequences. We use what power we do have to deal with things the only way we can. But at the end of the day we can't make him do the right thing. We continue to remind him that if he gets to a certain point, no amount of medical tools, beds, bars, lifts etc will be able to keep him in that house. Apparently to him going to an assisted living facility/skilled nursing facility is the worst thing that could ever happen to him. So he doesn't like that we remind him that lack of compliance on his part will lead to that consequence and there won't be anything we can do. 
As others have suggested, for your own mental health you may have to walk away when it starts. The reality is that they are complaining because they don't want to do the work that will help them. They only have themselves to blame. But that would be too hard. So they take it out on the nearest person who they know loves them and will take everything they say and still love them. It's hard, I know. I know it is so much worse for my SIL than it is for me. But when it gets to the point where she can't handle it, she leaves, takes a walk, gets in the shower, somewhere he can't follow her. Because as a caregiver you have to take care of yourself too!

My mom could be the same person. Two bad knees but constantly refusing surgery and refuses exercise with her sitter. She just finished another round of PT. Constantly complaining about everyone and everything, very negative and argumentative. Hearing is bad but refuses to get it checked. Refuses to shower regularly. It is a huge battle. Yesterday she left me a rude VM about issues with a wrong delivery. I am over it and will only manage her medications. I went to deliver home cooked meals yesterday. The sitter she treats as a daughter can continue doing all her shopping. I have always been the target of her unhappiness and she refuses to fill her days with something positive. Sister and I have tried many things. Before long she will not be walking so scheduling a visit to an eldercare attorney with my sister to make some plans applying for medicaid. Yes, mom is on medications for depression and anxiety. My dad just passed in June.

Unfortunately for all of us, the person who does the most gets the most flack. My mother seemed to get a kick out of making me more miserable than she felt and the whole situation was so frustrating. I hated the visits whilst feeling so guilty at the same time. She used to put her best foot forward when my siblings turned up and was charming to them! It made me look like a liar as nobody could see what I was complaining about. However she did deliver some passive agressive remarks in my general direction. Good luck and remember you are not alone! Take time out when you can and relax..

“I feel like I'm dealing with a 2 year old temper tantrum and/or a freakin teenage girl. “. LOL. I have said the same many times!! I’m living with my parents (it’s been nearly 1.5 years) and I decided to get an apartment close by...the negativity...and the resultant “hiding in my room” has taken a mental toll on me. I’ve gotten better at not taking it personally and being resolved to the fact that it won’t change. We can’t control attitudes and behaviors of others. But I have needed to fight against being sucked into the negativity vortex. I started to see a therapist and also went back to taking anti-depressants...and discovered my Vit D levels were down...so working on that. Take care of yourself. Take as many breaks as you need to. I know leaving and visiting my daughter for a few days on a regular basis has also helped.

I have no answers for you but can only say I feel for you. I am in your exact spot and I never thought my mother would become this person. Good luck to you and your family. We can only do the best that we can.

Oh, my goodness. This has been such a helpful thread. I needed it so much. I have GOT to get this way of thinking. "Don't pick up the luggage". Brilliant. Thanks, everyone.

No big picture thinking.
The world shrinks a bit - from setting future goals to what do I want or like right now.

Dad is overweight and has pain. But he enjoys eating junk food, even though he should lose weight to feel better.

My mother went into a wheelchair in May of 2019 & has refused to walk ever since, had PT & OT a few times, bitterly complaining/resisting and coming up with a million excuses about how she didn't need it the entire time. Today she met with her doctor at the ALF, as she does on a WEEKLY basis, mind you, and was complaining that her 'legs are so weak.' The doctor told her, 'that's b/c you haven't USED them in almost 2 years now.' What me? Not use my legs? She's a dirty liar and full of sh*t. That's her standard response.

Tonight I had the great displeasure of speaking with her on the phone. She let me know that she was out of breath b/c she got changed into her nightgown alone, in spite of being told 1000x not to do that; to wait for the CG to come in to help her.

She then went on to say that she wants to stop taking ALL of her pain medication and other pills b/c they're not helping. Then why does she see the doctor & rack up that bill every week? The doctor keeps writing new Rx's for her in an effort to HELP her, but hey, she's 'full of sh*t' and isn't doing ANYTHING to help her.

You can't save a person from herself. You also can't change a negative attitude of 'poor me' into one of positivity and gratitude.

You can, however, start collecting brochures of local Assisted Living Facilities and let your mother choose the one she'd like to move into.

There is No Way On God's Green Earth I would or could live with my soon-to-be 94 y/o mother. No Way. I'd rather shoot myself. Putting up with her hideous behavior & negative Nelly attitude for 63 years has been PLENTY.

Wishing you the best of luck trying to figure out how to find YOUR peace in the midst of HER chaos.

My mom, after her 2 knee replacements and 1 hip replacement, turned into a real PITA. She did PT at home and never did a single exercise once the in-home PT ended. So the surgeries she BEGGED for really just took her further and further down the lane to being 100% walker dependent, when the idea was to keep her able to ambulate with a cane only. It's a HUGE step down from a cane to a bulky walker, and now she is wanting to take her wheelchair. That makes is impossible for anyone other than the 'boys' to take her anywhere. Also, YB (with whom she lives) says once she gives up and chooses the wheelchair she will be moved to a NH. The care for a bedbound patient is about 100xs worse than one who can move around.

Also, mom's painmeds (tramadol) made her kooky and also prone to falling. I don't know why. Now she is only allowed Tylenol and that is really pretty pointless. It does nothing for my OA pain.

It's been beyond frustrating to sit and see her deteriorate so badly. 10 years ago she was walking and doing for herself--her slide into complete dependence on someone else was pretty rapid and sad.

I know so many people who have had total knee replacements and do very well, even into their late 80's--it's about motivation and desire. Mom just wanted attention and once that was done (I couldn't deal with her lack of motivation) she just slumped over and gave up.

Be certain that she takes a stool softener (colace a good one) with those opioids. That will help the digestive. They can turn you to cement.
Run that thing about liking 8 glasses of water a day for someone on Lasix. That means some congestive heart failure; docs don't always recommend that much fluid in someone having trouble processing it through the system.
Your Mom may be more chatty; opioids do it. And because pain is what she is dealing with, pain is what she is talking about.
Try not to take her constant talking about pain right now (it is of course right now what her life is all about--just saying) personally. Don't pick up the luggage. Just say "I am so sorry". Speak with her with the PT people about what her perceptions are of what she is doing, and let her tell them hers; let THEM be the one to read her the riot act about how much worse she will be if she doesn't do the required exercises for this knee. It can be the difference between successful surgery and not successful.
Basically stop trying to fix everything. You can't. Some of this is on her. Chronic pain is difficult enough, and add on now acute pain, and it's a lot. She also likely is depressed that she is a burden. The Oxy will make her much more vocal about all of it.
I think, being 78, I can somewhat identify. I don't take anything for the aches as I had a bout of diverticulitis; my drug of choice, motrin, and other NSAIDS not good for that condition, and I wouldn't want another bout. But yeah, it becomes that the neck hurts and if it doesn't then the wrist and if not that then the feet, and there's the back again. For me, I have become somewhat accepting about pain, and don't choose to talk about it. Keep walking and gardening and moving about; why tell my partner? At 80 he has his OWN. So on you go. But it becomes a fact of life. So if she talks a lot about it just tell her "Yup. Older, wiser, and hurting everywhere, huh?" You two are developing a habitual way of interacting that sounds like no fun for either of you. Watch a few Wylie and the Roadrunner cartoons to give it all a break.
And you are correct. It sounds MADDENING. I wish you the very best. Both of you. Hugs out.