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My sister and I are getting the silent treatment from our mom after she fell and broke her hip and was in rehab. My sister flew in from overseas and I flew in from out of state to see how we could help. Mom has a plan to move to assisted living, so my sister and I believed she would be ready after the latest health incident (she has had many). We worked very hard on mom’s house clearing out old clothes that she hadn’t even laid eyes on for over 10 years as they were stored downstairs and she hasn’t been able to handle stairs in a decade. We also, with her permission, cleaned out a very wet storage area and made many trips to the dump. We toured assisted living facilities, replaced her broken dishwasher and garage door opener, dry cleaned and rehung drapes and bedspreads...but in the end, mom was insistent on returning home with 24/7 nursing care. My sister and I tried to communicate with mom that we didn’t think she was making a rational decision and ultimately told her that her legal guardianship service was going to have to make the arrangements for her return home as we had to return to our homes and jobs. That was when mom decided to go silent on us. Mom has used the silent treatment on us our entire lives. She is very manipulative and knows we will finally cave in and apologize in order to get back in her good graces. This time feels very different for me as I am actually seeing her treatment of us as emotional abuse, but it is still really hard to handle, especially with Mother’s Day yesterday and no communication with mom. Does anyone have words of advice? I think this is a pretty common tactic that people use to get their way!

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You could remind her that ‘she gave my dad the silent treatment all the time. They've been divorced for over 20 years now’. Her attempts to make your father ‘cave in’ clearly didn’t work. Ask her if she wants the same result with you!
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Since she hired a guardian service to relieve you of the burden of making care decisions, then let it go. You could let her know that she can remain silent if that’s her wish or she can reach out to you but that you’re not going to tolerate her behavior anymore. And then stick to it.
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Why end it?

Enjoy it!

Then give it right back to her the next time she needs help
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It is clear that you both care for her and want what's best for her, but she's made her decisions (both hiring guardianship service and insisting she's going back home.) You've done a good job clearing out stuff and fixing things. She's refusing to consider what might be better for her, but she's competent and it's her decision, right or wrong, good or bad.

"She is very manipulative and knows we will finally cave in and apologize in order to get back in her good graces."

Advice? Stay strong, both of you. DON'T cave. There's no need for ANY apology from either you or your sister. She wants to go home, go home. She hired this person for just such a situation and it is very cruel of her to start acting like a petulant child.

Of course you still care. Whatever her behavior, she's still your mother and you still want what's best for her. She made her stand and when you two bowed out, she pulls this? That said, you can still send cards and or gifts. You can still try to call and ask how she's doing. Just don't cave. Don't apologize. Don't give in to her "way." Hold your heads up high. You've gone above and beyond to help her out and been rebuffed. Her loss, not yours. DON'T CAVE!!!!!
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It is abuse. Walk away. She is not your responsibility.
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Mm. I've read your post: not so much How To End The Silent Treatment, then, as Why Would You Want To?

You can't see it as peace, perfect peace? Even so, I don't see why on earth you should put yourself out just in the hope of yet another hiding to nothing.

But if the tension is too much, call her and ask her how she's settling in at home. Now that she's made her decision she is, actually, entitled to ask you to accept it even if you don't agree with it. It was her decision to make.
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Much experience with the old silent treatment here. My father was a raging narcissist his entire life and he regularly alternated between silent treatment and angry fits of temper. His verbal and emotional abuse of my mother for 64 years of marriage is what killed her. Then he turned it on me. I went no contact before the pandemic hit for my sanity. As his DPOA, I signed a DNR at the ALF. He has been gone a year now and I have just distributed his estate. I am so glad it's over.
Do not feel any guilt for stepping back from toxic family to protect your own health.
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If I am not in my mom's good graces, I have gone a year without speaking to her.

Right now, she 'needs me' to take her to Bingo once a week. While a month ago, she couldn't figure out how to call me, now, she has a reason to call me every Monday to remind me that she has Bingo the next day.

The irony is not lost on me.

Luckily I realized that the silent treatment was only hurting her. I learned long ago that I do not have a 'normal, healthy' relationship with my mom and I never will. She's using me, plain and simple, but it's something I can do for her, so I do.

As long as she wants to go to Bingo, she'll be talking to me.

But honestly? When she's been radio silent, it wasn't bad at all. I kind of liked it.
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BurntCaregiver May 2021
Midkid58,

If your mother not talking to you wasn't bad at all and you kind of liked it, why are you taking her to bingo?
You're letting her be manipulative and use you.
She can get a hired companion to take her to bingo. You don't owe her anything.
If you're comfortable with bringing her to bingo, or even speaking to her then continue. You have the option to make yourself unavailable to her when she needs or wants something.
I think you'd be better off making yourself unavailable.
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It's such a hurtful way to treat someone, especially your own children-grown or otherwise. Mine tries to use it when I don't jump to do what she tells me to do. I am learning to follow the boundaries and not respond to it. It's hard because you like to know how they are doing and that withdrawal of information is a form of control for them. I hope things work out for all of you. Take care.
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BurntCaregiver May 2021
Rbuser1,

It is a terrible way to treat someone. I live in a wretched hell on earth because of my mother.
It's not new either. I've always been treated abusively by her my entire life. I'm forced to be her caregiver now in her old age because I've fallen on financial hardship and the only choice I have really is this or the street.
I'm always pleased to hear when people aren't stuck also living with the elderly abusers they're forced to be caregivers to. That makes all the difference because they can walk away.
I would feel no guilt whatsoever if I could put my mother in a nursing home and would have no problem walking away.
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A friend found her & her DH on the receiving end of some 'silent treatment'. FIL wants to stay in his home (despite many issues & medical opinion), heels dug well in. Demands for family to be 'on call' for his wants & wishes wore them out years ago.

They found out later while being 'silent' to them, FIL was busy being anything but silent to others - busy recruiting his next servants.. (nieces, nephew) 🤣🤣
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We can’t change others behavior. We can only change our reaction to it. Your mom most likely feels that she is doing nothing wrong and is justified in not speaking to you. I know that you aren’t surprised by her behavior because it’s not out of character for her.

If you don’t take the bait by giving her attention, her behavior won’t serve any purpose, but it probably won’t change her behavior. If you don’t react to her behavior, at least you won’t drive yourself crazy by falling for her tactics.

I know a woman who tells complete strangers things like, “Would you treat your mother like you are treating me?” One man told her, “Do you treat your son like the way you are treating me? You are a crazy woman!” LOL

I have told this woman that she has to stop treating people so mean, her children and strangers that she feels are wrong, because she will only attract a negative response. Her answer to me was, “This is who I have always been and I can’t change now.” She admitted to me that she wasn’t about to change her behavior. She is a person of extremes, either hot or cold! One minute she tells people off and the next minute, she gives the silent treatment. There is no even keel in her behavior.

Forget trying to get these people to therapy. When I suggested therapy she said, “That’s nonsense and doesn’t work!”

So, in my opinion, some people are hopeless! Don’t even bother and take advantage of the peace and quiet.
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I agree, let the silence stand for as long as she wants it to. Send occasional cards letting her know you love her and when she's ready she can call you.

Hopefully her guardianship service is on the level and will take good care of your mother.

May you and your sister find peace and grace as you work through this situation.
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I’m sorry for your pain in this, you’re very correct that it’s emotional abuse. Please leave her alone and give this tantrum no audience. She’ll be back when she needs help. I hope by then you’ll read Boundaries, a book that’s helped many here, me included. It’ll make you better prepared for future involvement choices
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Silence is golden in this case. I am glad she has her own Fiduciary service for guardianship. Let them handle her. Don't go into the G word that is guilt. You aren't felons. The correct G word is grief. This is worth grieving, but it is unlikely to ever change. Send a nice card and note weekly. That's it. Get on with your lives and make certain they are quality lives.
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Pack your bags, you’re going on a guilt trip!

Except, that you are now an adult and get to choose if you want that ticket punched.

I agree with the others... enjoy the silence and live your life. Your mom will get in touch when she needs you.
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Dance for joy?

That's what I recommend doing now that she has decided that you are not worthy of her attention.

People like this end up alone and bitter and just can't figure out how that happened. I would be on guard for her making nice if she has always waited for you all to come begging for forgiveness. Because she is probably in dire need and will expect you to rush to her aide.

My mom used this tactic and there are many years that we have not spoken. I told her after the last tantrum that I will not be back if she pulls it again. I would never see, speak or acknowledge her existence in any way shape or form, guess what, she doesn't pull that crap anymore. I never reached out to her, she would start telling family that she would like to see me and I would tell them that she made the decision to not have contact, so she can pick up the phone and change it.

You are no longer children that have to accept the abuse from your parents, you are adults and can absolutely say no more, enough is enough. I would tell her, write a letter or whatever it takes to get her to hear, that she has that choice but, you will no longer be participating in the nonsense and she can stop or you will not be available to her ever again.

I don't know why parents think that they have immunity to crap all over their offspring. It is not okay and people should start telling them that. What do you really have to lose? Abuse, guilt, ????

If she is competent, then she knows full well what she is doing and only you can refuse to play. Best of luck!
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Enjoy the silence, that's my suggestion. My passive/aggressive mother (who's now 94 and living in Memory Care, by the way) has used this miserable tactic her entire life which is actually a BLESSING when she pulls it out of her bag of tricks. The rest of the time she talks incessantly to the point where I PRAY she will go silent, so that's where I stand with The Silent Treatment.

Your mother wants to use a 'guardianship service' to get her own way? GREAT! Go back home and live your life. You will, of course, be called again and again to pick up the pieces of the destruction she causes by her insistence to 'age in place' at home. But eventually, the 'guardianship service' will have no other alternative but to have her placed in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing after one too many 'incidents' making it glaringly obvious she's unfit to live at home, with or without help.

Don't cave this time; let her stay quiet for as long as she chooses to, who cares? That's the ONLY way to deal with passive/aggressive people. You don't let them win, otherwise, they tend to up their game with one childish tactic after another.

Best of luck!
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Its called being passive-aggressive. It is a manipulation. Seems if she has a guardian, not much u can do anyway. Unless this is just a service you use to help coordinate Moms care? Guardian means the court has put someone in charge of Moms care. That person reports to the State.

And, the rehab will not release her if she is 24/7 care and there is no one to care for her. If she has a guardian/or service, then that person will need to set up 24/7 care in her home and prove it to the Rehab or the guardian/service will place her in an AL. Which if I was a guardian/service she would be in an AL because I would not want to oversee 3 shifts of aides that may or may not show up.
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KathyMc May 2021
Thanks for your response. Mom hired this woman...she owns a guardianship services company and has not been court appointed. Mom wanted to use the guardianship service, to as you said, help coordinate her care, and so when my sister and I felt like there were "too many cooks in the kitchen" and said we were going to bow out and let the guardian service take over, that's when mom stopped speaking to us.
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You can’t make anyone sleep.
You can’t make anyone eat.

You can’t make anyone a responsive interactive communicator.

If this has worked to manipulate you and your sister in the past, she is expecting it to work again. If it does, she will continuing to use it.

What you have done in terms of setting her up with 24/7 care is presumably the safest, most loving living arrangement you are able to figure out WITH HER INPUT.

You have discussed her current options. Assuming that she’s cognitively intact, she knows what her options are.

She chose to implement the silent treatment knowing it was Mother’s Day.

My “silent sufferer” chose to become silent a week after my first child was born. I
believe her silence resulted in part in my father’s untimely death a week later. I understand where you are with this.
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Did she give your dad the "silent treatment" if so think about how she was manipulating him in these situations. Then think about a better way to handle the situation. If your dad caved in and gave into her then that's what she's expecting of both of you. Hold your ground and don't give into this. You are not in the same type relationship that your mom and dad were in. But that's all she know and she will continue to do it till you snap. I had to outright tell my mother one time "The silence does not work on me, so you can stop it. I am not dad and never will be"
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KathyMc May 2021
Yes, she gave my dad the silent treatment all the time. They've been divorced for over 20 years now!
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Your mom is a very emotionally immature person. This has, unfortunately, never changed nor has she seen the need to change. You and your sister continue to take the bait and this is why her behavior has not changed. You keep expecting her to be someone else. She isn't. If she did begin speaking to you again, what would she say other than she hates what is happening to her and her life isn't under her control and she has no power? Her one power is to control you 2 with the silent treatment. Just let her be silent for however long it takes. IMO there's absolutely no point in you 2 orbiting around her dysfunction. It doesn't mean you don't love her. It just means you have lives to attend to and refuse to interact with her like you're all 5 year olds. Don't take the bait. Send her cards telling her you love her and when SHE'S ready to talk SHE can call YOU at xx phone number.

Why is she under guardianship? Who is it, the county? Or another relative? May you gain wisdom and peace in your hearts as you wait her out.
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KathyMc May 2021
Thanks for your response. It's reassuring to me. Mom hired a legal guardianship "service" to take care of her affairs if and when she becomes mentally and physically incompetent. Although she is not at that point, mom has decided to involve this guardian in her current situation.
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Point of clarification: Mom is under guardianship? Due to being declared incompetent?
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KathyMc May 2021
No, she is competent; she hired a guardianship service so as not to "bother" my sister and I with needed decisions should she become mentally or physically incompetent.
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